Alter in love was a mystery to me

That sounds great Una, it's a huge step forward

In his book Standing in the Spaces: Essays on Clinical Process, Trauma, and Dissociation, Philip Bromberg has a lot to say about DID. Re the concept of an ability to "mentalize", on p. 289 he quotes P. Fonagy (1991, Int. J. Psycho-Anal. 72:639-656, pp. 641-642) as follows:

"wholeness" is given to objects only through an understanding of the mental processes that provide an account of the object's actions in the physical world. Before mental states are conceived of, the mental representation of the object will be, by definition, partial, tied to specific situations . . since the vital attribution of mental functioning is absent . . . [Consequently], the distortion of mental representations of objects through projection is unavoidable at this early stage . . . Until the point is reached when mental states may be confidently attributed to the object there can be no capacity to limit the projection.

This is my problem in a nutshell. Unfortunately, my alters' object is not my therapist but this other man. Onto him we (my alters including myself) have been projecting everything, mostly in his absence. Following Fonagy's argument, for me to limit these projections, I would have to get to know the other man, to know his thoughts rather than my fantasies concerning his thoughts. But the other man is not a therapist, much less a psychoanalytic psychotherapist.

On the same page Bromberg also says

As an analyst opposes, is opposed by, affirms, and is affirmed by each dissociated aspect of the patient's self as it oscillates --- in its cycle of projection and introjection --- between his own inner world and that of his patient, the energy the patient has used in sustaining the dissociative structure of his mind will be enlisted by him in vitalizing a broadening experience of "me-ness". Because this less dissociated configuration of selfhood is simultaneously adaptational and self-expressive, certain self-states do not have to continue to remain unable to participate in living except as "on-call" watchdogs that suddenly and unexpectedly seem to become possessed by an "irrational" need to make a mess.

Yup, the word "mess" captures nicely the chaos we experience, doesn't it?

May try reading these essays. They sound so interesting.

dividedtruth89 wrote:May try reading these essays. They sound so interesting.

Bromberg's essays are deep, and written for trained psychoanalysts, not their clients, so at times they can be difficult to grasp. But wow. If I were still looking for a therapist, I would want to find one who reads Bromberg.

Last week I disclosed my DID to someone I have been lately spending time with socially, who works in health care. His response surprised me: he said he already knew. He knows DID when he sees it and he saw it in me during a conversation with him last year. So my covert DID may be not so covert after all. I remember the conversation; it was about a sensitive topic that I had made a conscious choice to begin talking about openly. He was interested to learn that at the time I was completely ignorant about dissociation and mostly unaware of my DID. His questions for me showed how well informed he is about DID.

He said I hide my DID unusually well, that apart from that one conversation I have always seemed to be present and totally in control. We have shared some very intense experiences, so this is saying a lot. He said I am far more functional than most "normal" people, and he is amazed that I have been so functional despite my untreated DID. I guess he had assumed my high function was the result of years of therapy for DID.

We talked a bit about how even when DID is overt most people don't notice or if they do notice they don't think about what they noticed. They just assume someone with DID has an unusually lively, even mercurial and whimsical personality.

Una, I'm curious as to what in your behaviour during that particular conversation made her realize you have DID? I understad if you don't want to share details about it, but thought I'd ask in any case.

under ice wrote:Una, I'm curious as to what in your behaviour during that particular conversation made her realize you have DID?

It wasn't anything very strange. He just knew.

I do remember the conversation with this person when, he says now, he learned of my dissociation. I was talking about some very painful stuff, recent events not childhood trauma. I remember that at one point I became overwhelmed internally and totally lost the thread of what I was saying and skipped to a whole other topic, then went back to the painful stuff later. Now in hindsight I know that I was dissociating. At the time, the word dissociation was not even part of my vocabulary.

My Alter 4's main affect is glee, sometimes anger. This is the one who messes with your mind, who smacks you down and puts you in your place, who torments you, who teases and misdirects, who plays hide and seek, trick or treat with emphasis on trick. This is my punster, my trickster. With sexually aggressive adult men this part of me likes to turn the tables on them and play tease and denial games.

Underneath all the guile and bravado, the fearlessness, Alter 4 is a very frightened, small girl child.

I do not know Alter 4 well at all. At times I have been subjected to, and a few times unknowingly invited, Alter 4's passive influence. A few times I have lost time while Alter 4 took full executive control and handled a situation. Once on this DID forum I channeled her when she wanted to say something to another person directly. Only once has she spoken to me, a week ago, and then only a few words. But what she said was important new information. I have spent most of the past week processing it, and dealing with feelings about it that are shockingly difficult.

This past week it has been Alter 2's turn to begin emerging. It has been quite a surprise for me. Life is about to be "interesting" again. Alter 2 is verbal, and feels and sounds much older than the others. And yet... It was Alter 2 who told me "I want a divorce" and told my husband "I want [other man]". The good part is this sounds like Alter 2 feels married to my husband! Woo hoo! Alter 2 also seems hypersensitive and very reactive. Yes, you.

Alter 2 has a name but I don't think I can use it here.