Husband had an affair, please help

Hello all,

I am new to the forum and recently discovered that my husband has DID. About 6 months ago, my husband had an affair with a "friend" of mind and it was the absolute worst thing I have ever been through.
After the affair, I found out that my husband was struggling with a sex addiction, that as he described it initially, "would come and go". He opened up about this very bad obssession that he'd had, not to mention the many times he's cheated on me, prior to us getting married, and many other very sexual positions he's been in. We talked for hours and hours about why he had the affair, why he slept with her, and he would say because he lusted after her, he was more attracted to her than me, etc. But, then he'd contradict himself and say that when she propositioned him he got really scared and tried to get a way out, which he did, only to end up back there. Now, this story has never, ever changed. He always maintained that this is what happened and that he doesn't remember what happened after that, except that he felt "compelled" to do it, like he couldn't stop, and once things started, he was in a black place. He didn't know what had happened until he was putting his clothes back on. Now, I assumed that he was lying and or just really drunk, so he didn't recall.

Now, three months ago, he opened up about the voices, the terrible headaches, that sometimes he feels like he loves me and the children and sometimes he doesn't,etc. So, after I researched DID, we found a couple of books that described him perfectly. There have been many times where his moods change or he's switching.

I guess, I am confused about it all. I am confused about whether or not he had the affair because of DID. He swears he never wanted to sleep with her, he tried to get out of there, that he was scared, that he had no part in it. But I can't get over the things that he said initially. I feel like he could have done those things because he was more attracted to her. We had an incident just 1 month prior, where he was rubbing her leg and I almost left him then. He swears now that he never knew why he rubbed her leg and never knew why he cheated before. He says that all he knew is that he messed up but wanted to fix it and loved me and wanted to be with me.

Has anyone else experienced an extramarital affair caused by the alters? It's hard too, because I found out about the DID, after and he says that he only said the things he did, after the affair, because it "made sense" or what would be a normal response.

Help please. I have been through so much with him and it's like that safety that I thought I would have in my marriage is gone and I am trying to hang on to him and be here for him, but he's hurt me SO many times.

also, my husband has no memory of anything bad ever happening to him, but he has an awesome memory. He has the i.q. of a genius and he's really, really smart, but has no memeory of it. The biggest thing he remembers happening as a child is running away from home at 11 and blacking out while sitting in a dunkin' donuts. So, I guess my main question is could DID have caused him to have an affair if he was so afraid and wanting to get out of ther? Or, is that just an excuse?

Your husband needs to get a better grip on his alters. And don't get pissed at him if it's his alters that are doing the cheating. Your husband maybe married to you, but the other sides of him are not. I would try to find a therapist who specializes in DID. Or your husband should start posting here. And learn how to gain some, even a little, control over his alters. Attractive women are clearly a trigger, so I'd be careful where you two go together. But don't tighten a leash around his neck, let's not get too crazy.

Thanks so much Mr. Bates for your response. I am trying to be understanding of that, but it's hard help someone that has done so many wrong things to me. Why are attractive women a trigger? From what I understand, the alters were developed to help protect him, so why would they do anything that would destroy the bond that we had? I want to believe the things that he says about having DID, but he either contradicts himself or give me the "I don't know" answers. I get very confused.

If he doesn't remember these things, it means he's experiencing blackouts. Which means he isn't aware of when he switches. Which means its possible his alters aren't even aware if he even exists. And then again, not all alters are good. Some hate the core (thats the main person), and wish to cause harm to them. As to why attractive women are a trigger, obviously the alter is a highly sexually charged being and will push your husband aside to get what they want.

And DID is very confusing. And can cause memory issues, so "I don't know" is a common answer.

He didn't wrong you, his alters did. Don't feel betrayed by him, feel a need to help him.

Hi, Welcome to the Forum.
It is unfortunate that you found out about your husbands DID under these circumstances, because it is these circumstances which tend to give psychiatrists and psychologists the most information to discredit DID. However, these are the occurences that tear your life apart are what lead people to discover that they have DID.
I agree with Bates, that it wasn't your husband who betrayed you, but I know, that no matter "who" it was all of those alters are a part of your husband and you will feel betrayed. I think it is important to establish as early as possible that this behavior is intolerable for any of the alters and will result in some serious consequences including but not limited to the failure of your marriage. You and your husband should consider therapy soon, marriage counseling as well as therapy for his DID. The sooner he starts learning how to cooperate with his alters the better it will be for your entire family.
Remember that your children know that there are bad things happening. You do not need to go into detail but to discuss that there are problems. Tell them they do not need to worry and that mommy and daddy still love them and will take care of them, but there are some issues that may make mommy and daddy grumpy or sad sometimes. Children understand these things and when they get to discuss them they don't feel so confused, and they can usually just keep going with their activities just fine.

I hope this helps.
Take care.
Amber and Grace

Wow, you are so wise. My husband has said some of the things that you have said here, but I guess it's one of those things when you hear it from someone else it clicks. This has really helped me. I have noticed that you are the expert here (I have read some of your post) and I have many, many more questions, but for now, could you please answer these:

Will my husband ever remember what caused him to develop DID?
My husband switches a lot, at least we think that's what's happening, when he falls to sleep or when he's falling asleep, because his body convulses all night long. Or he wakes up, throughout the night dizzy, or using his left hand to use the bathroom and he's right handed. Is there any signifigance about the night time? Also, everyone was really drunk the night of the affair, does that make a difference in the behavior of the alters?

Hi lark

Thanks so much for the warm welcome and the great advice. There is so much work that has to be done here and I know it. My children are 3, 5 and 7 and they have literally suffered with his mood swings all of their tiny lives. It was so bad, before the affair, that they didn't care to be around him, speak to him, play with him anything because they never knew if he was going to be nice to them or mean to them. But, he's been better, since the affair, and it seems that the sex addicted alter is in hiding. He'll say something random and then go away. So, I do plan to get into marriage counseling because I do love my husband and I want my kids to grow up in a happy home. We try not to ever let them hear arguing or see us distant, but I know children know. So thanks again for your much needed advice.

I can't speak for everyone, and I don't think I am an expert, but from experience and research I will answer to the best of my knowledge.

Will my husband ever remember what caused him to develop DID?
This is dependent mainly upon your husband, his alters, cooperation, and if they are ready and willing to do the work. I think that most people with DID remember the abuse as they are ready and able to handle the memories. Having a memory is sometimes just as painful as living through it. When you were a child you were not strong enough to live through the abuse so you create an alternate personality to handle the abuse for you. As an adult you are physically and mentally stronger and (theoretically) ready to handle those memories. while you may not agree and be very emotionally disturbed by them, the memory of what has already been done to you will no longer kill you like the abuse had the ability to do. (sorry this is so long) So as you become stronger your mind and your alters release memories as you are able to handle them (so far in my experience this is what has happened) and sometimes if it turns out to be too much, your alters or mind will block that memory again.

My husband switches a lot, at least we think that's what's happening, when he falls to sleep or when he's falling asleep, because his body convulses all night long. Or he wakes up, throughout the night dizzy, or using his left hand to use the bathroom and he's right handed. Is there any signifigance about the night time?
This could be a memory. Everynight for about a year when I first moved out to college I had a flashback and then an apperance of an alter, at 11:36:23 pm. I could have been sound asleep for 3 hours before hand and I would wake up in terror having a flashback at that exact time. I even unplugged my alarm clock and kept my cell phone away but it turns out my body was programmed to do that. Mathematically the time works out to be 6-6-6 and my body was trained to inflict harm or remember harm when that time occured. For him it could be something along those lines, or it could be something more simple where he finally has downtime and the alters are using it to their advantage to get some of their own time. A few of my alters are different handed. I definitely get dizzy when certain alters come out or if there have been many alters out in a short amount of time. Also I used to not be able to switch back with some of my alters until I fell asleep. It was like the door was shut and they didn't know how to get back. So my roommate would stay with them or check on them until they fell asleep and then try to wake us up shortly after to see if the switch was made. I also get terrible migraines from switching.

Also, everyone was really drunk the night of the affair, does that make a difference in the behavior of the alters?
Since alcohol and drugs lower your inhibitions, it is very likely that your husband was dissociating and other alters were comng out. Sometimes alters are there to abuse alcohol or drugs because it is their purpose to medicate the system. If that is the case cooperation needs to be established asap so that something worse and more dangerous doesn't happen like driving under the influence.

I hope this helps.
Amber

Again, thank you so much. You all could never imagine how much this really helps me. I just regret not reaching out sooner. I have visited this site many times before, but not understanding enough about DID, made me think that he was a liar, with all of his contradictions. Is there a way to get them to come out and talk? Right now, they come out so much more than they ever have, but at random times. My husband has a very demanding job making video games and he has stormed out of conferences and yelled at his boss, and these are things that he's NEVER EVER done.