Suddenly became aware of the others..

This might be long. But i need a place to document this stuff and keep track of it. If anyone relates or has insight, it is appreciated, though i understand if it's too much rambling personal stuff.

TL;DR - other parts took over while i was writing then i discovered they had been present and writing in my journals for most of my life. mind blown, reality shattered.

I have been experiencing increasing dissociation over the last year or two and couldn't figure it out. I started isolating really badly and didn't get why. I go to therapy regularly and have discussed it. I have a long history of trauma, so obviously that's a factor. But I kept feeling like there was this big Something that i "wasn't allowed" to look at. Every time i tried to think about it or figure it out, i felt something push me away internally. T said i should respect that it might be too much too soon.

On Wednesday i had a seizure in chemistry lab. The last time was several months ago. I had them numerous times in the past, was tested and found to not be epileptic. After Wednesday's seizure, i started wondering if it was connected to dissociation. I called my mom to ask if she had notes or records from all the neurology testing i had in high school - i explained that i had been dissociating heavily and was trying to figure out what is going on. she was weird and dismissive and kept trying to tell me to stop looking in the past and just let go and move on. which only made me angry and more determined to solve it myself. she generally thinks all my problems are because i don't "accept Jesus". i think she uses religion to block out her own mental health problems and mine as well.

Realizing i would get no help from her, i started going through my old journals (which span from age six to now, age thirty-one). I started putting page flags on every instance where i mentioned dissociation, memory loss, flashbacks, etc. the more i researched, the stranger i felt - spacey and detached, but also with some hints of *feelings*. i haven't been able to feel feelings of any kind for a long time, so this was especially unsettling, though i figured it must be a good thing.

i was exhausted Friday, spent all day in a bio lab, then went to work all night (i also work in a lab). got off work at seven am and came home, planning to just go to bed. i sat down to read some posts on this board and i started getting confused - i couldn't read a whole sentence straight, it felt like my brain was trying to shut itself off repeatedly. i knew i was tired, but it felt like something was internally powering me down when i tried to read or think. then i suddenly started hearing this internal voice telling me "DID is fake. these people are fake. they're making it all up. you make everything up. all of you just want attention." It escalated until it was yelling at me that ALL mental illness is made up, and from there it moved on to all illness of any kind - saying that "people get cancer because they want to be victims!" ..at that point i knew it didn't make sense. i work in a pathology lab, i see cancer every day. obviously it's real. i knew i had to shut that voice up so i closed the laptop and decided to put my thoughts down in my journal.

i started writing and mid-sentence, my hand froze. i couldn't move. i looked at the sentence i had written and, where it should have said "my", it said "our". i felt a sinking, spinning feeling and it's like a bunch of dividing walls inside me dissolved. they started writing. in different handwriting. answering questions and having a conversation, basically. every time i wrote, it felt like someone was using my body. then it would freeze and i felt like something climbed into my skin and shifted around, my vision would blur briefly and refocus, and then someone else would write. it was cycling rapidly through and i was scared. they wrote for me to go look at my old journals. i grabbed them and started flipping to the page flags i had left for myself - and holy $#%^. there were all the same sets of writing, having ######6 conversations with each other. in journals from fifteen to twenty years ago! i went cold. how had i missed that before? It's like i couldn't recognize it. in numerous journals from middle school and early high school, there are entries where i say things like "they're always fighting and i can't make them stop, i'll just go away" followed by the other sets of writing. it's insane.

i sat there, frozen with my journals all over the kitchen table. i could hear them in my head now, and realized it's what i've ALWAYS been hearing. i just tuned it out all the time. usually by listening to music, watching tv, also by drinking and doing drugs. but now i could recognize them. in my head it's still sort of a jumbled cacophony, but writing seems to slow me down enough that they can get out whatever it is they need to say. i asked them questions in my head and they answered in my journal. i wanted to know why i was being so isolated, they said because i was getting tired and couldn't keep hiding it. i asked why they kept me writing for years, they said because i was trying to "leave evidence" for myself, and because that's how they had shared memories of an event - if i wrote it down, they could all read it and incorporate it into their memory.

i was so exhausted and overwhelmed, i had to sleep. it was very hard to fall asleep. i thought "maybe i'm just delusional and overtired and i'll wake up and it will be normal". But when i woke up, i still heard them. and when i went in the bathroom, there was a note in dry-erase marker on the mirror that said "READ YOUR LAST JOURNAL ENTRY. IT IS REAL."

i am terrified, but also excited to be figuring something out. my problems with time, memory, behavior, thoughts.. they span my whole life and i have never been able to know why.
i was scared when i woke up, and i had a trusted friend come over. i explained and showed her everything, and she acknowledged that it seems to be a real thing. i just needed someone else to be able to see all the writing and hear the story and tell me whether it made sense or not.

i have therapy wednesday and i am nervous. part of me wonders if T already suspected.

i just slept twelve hours and still feel exhausted. i feel like my world has exploded into a thousand pieces. i keep telling myself, i'm still the same person. nothing has changed. just my awareness. it will be ok.

but i'm still freaked out. i keep telling myself it's not real, then i go look at all these dozens of notebooks and realize it must be. i can't look in the mirror because it doesn't make sense and it scares me. i feel like they are taking turns jumping into and out of my skin, my face, my brain.

i wish it was wednesday already.

Just wanted to say I read all of it and I know how uneasy you are. This is the beginning. You already seem to have communication so you are ahead. Keep writing. You will get some sorting.
Heather

We are hearing you Vortexvoid. Tough times but it is the beginning of sorting things out. I understand by the excitement of discovery pitched against the reality of things - it is no wonder the denial voice kicks in. It is big stuff. Look after yourselves. Rest as much as you can - keep up with self care.

ColoredLeaves:
LittleMie:

..thank you. so much. just being heard and validated that this makes sense means so much.

currently having an intense time. already was dealing with the inner chaos of starting to see everything that has been going on (and for how long) but then today was killer.
a coworker drove me home and we started talking about mental health, family, some deep $#%^. i don't even remember what i said when she just looked at me and asked "so.. do you have split personalities?"
i froze and everything felt like it was vibrating. she said she had kind of figured as much, which blew my ######6 mind. i asked why she would think that. she said "you know how you had a feeling i liked girls?" (she is gay but in the closet still).. i said yeah. she said "kinda like that." so bizarre.
it was so good to talk about though. and i felt better actually. like, if someone else thought that before *i* had even thought it, maybe i'm not the liar and fake and attentionwhore that the yelling one says i am.

so i felt really good and encouraged and sat down to write in my journal. so excited to go to therapy and discuss everything.

then i get a phone call from the place where i go to therapy (it is an eating disorder center). apparently the bill for my 2015 partial hospitalization treatment got sent to collections, and until it is paid in full, they are terminating all my therapy appointments. my world exploded. they said i can have my last appointment this week, but then i can't make anymore until it is paid. it is literally all the money i have. i never received any of the notices from collections so i had no idea.

so now i have to wipe out every account i have and somehow hope to pay my rent, my insurance, and my tuition. forget food or anything else.

this is the worst possible time for this to happen.

icing on the cake: today was registration for school. class i needed was full. so now i am stuck taking an eight am class and a six pm class. everything possible going wrong all at once.

i want to call my mom so bad but she will just question why i need to go to therapy, and i can't tell her. she was so dismissive of me and if i tell her what's happening inside me, she will say it is demonic and i need jesus.

body keeps shaking and the singing one is nonstop belting out songs i hate just to drown things out. just chewed up some xanax and hope to go to sleep.

i know i'll make it through because i always do. i have been through everything. we are obviously built to adapt to whatever comes our way. but ###$ it is scary.

Diagnosed today. DID. I knew it, but it still felt like getting punched in the stomach. It's all so fast - a week ago I had no idea, just knew i was spacing out and things weren't right.

T was incredibly supportive and encouraging. She's also trying to help me sort out the horrible billing situation - she managed to get me two more sessions, so i have two more weeks in which to come up with a massive amount of money. I'm very stressed, but trust it will work out. We have been through worse. Picking up a bunch of extra work hours, which sucks because we're also in school, but I need the money. I really need T's help with all this new stuff.

I'm relieved because the diagnosis sort of helps shut up the "you're a fake and a liar" voice, but I'm still scared and confused.

For example.. I don't really know "who's who" in there. Some seem to go by the various names I've used (I've gone by at least four different ones for long periods of time) and they definitely have different handwriting, but i just don't know for sure. How do I figure that all out? My intuition says to write in my journal, since that seems to be their favorite mode of communication. And T suggested Internal Family Systems work, so we'll see what she says. She also recommended us a book, "Coping With Trauma-Related Dissociation". It's on hold at the library and I'm looking forward to checking it out.

Still sad that I don't think I can tell my family.

I have been able to feel more connection with people in the past week of being aware of the others, though. So I think that means this is good for us.

Holy s$&@ vv! Lots happening! You must be a stress ball! Shut up that lying voice. Did Dx is a step forward. C is always saying we are faking but for C$&@!? Sake I (Heather) am here, aren't I? I think doubt is a common host disease.mYou are all worthy of time and space and if short term hurt will pay for your therapy this is a long term project. Just keep an eye on yourselves with all the extra work. You don't want to end up in crisis. And it sounds like you (I assume you are host) are managing amazingly well. But it is a balancing act. We don't work anymore because it gave us mental gas.

As for figuring out who is who we like writing too. Things also become clearer when different parts talk to T. If there are other media you like such as visual art, music, crafts, spoken word, dance you can see if anyone wants to communicate or show a preference for things along those lines. Our Terrin is very connected to bead work. Sarey likes to draw. I like physical tasks like building things. You will get to know who is who and who knows what and who likes what in time. All the best to you!
Heather

Hi vortexvoid,

We're glad that you got your dx and especially glad that you have a good T. This makes all the difference in the world.

We understand about not knowing who's who or who's around. We learned we were multiple over 20 years ago, and even though we know everyone in our system, we still struggle with knowing who's around at times. Part of this is because the barriers between us aren't always strong, so we get a lot of emotional leakage and confusion about who's feeling what. We also generally can't see each other on the inside.

We hope that you continue to make progress with your T.

Charity, Allegra, and others

ColouredLeaves - thank you. I like your suggestions about different art forms. We've been doodling lately, or someone in there. Maybe on the weekend we'll have time to mess around with some other media. Also, art in general calms me down. Which, right now, sounds super awesome.

MakersDozn - thank you, especially for the reassurance that it's "ok" to not really know who's who or who's around. I just feel like I'm constantly anticipating "something" now, and I'm hyper-attuned to little changes in the way I think or feel or act. It's hard to tell what's what. I know it's all so early though, I should probably chill out and it will be ok. *sighhh*

Both of you (or All of you both!) - I really appreciate the supportive and encouraging comments. It means a lot, especially since i'm feeling super lost and alone with this. The few people I've told are caring, but of course they don't know what it's like. This place is invaluable right now. Hope you all are well!

so tired all the time. this is always true, but now it feels worse.

today we were productive - did some homework, went and submitted loan papers at school. should get the money in a few weeks. everything will be ok. just have to pay the ######6 bill. being poor is ok. friends are nice and keep giving me food.

this is such an emotional/experiential rollercoaster. sometimes i'm happy and relieved, but then suddenly i'm crushed with the denial and self-doubt and what feels like hatred. super irritable with people. alternate with feeling glad we've told some close people, then deeply regretting it and wishing it was a secret because they will never understand. so sad that we don't think we can tell parents. then angry about it.

i can't tell who's who and what's what and when's when and i feel like i'm hyper vigilant now that i'm "in the know". like before, when i was in the dark, i could just float off and not be there and not feel or think and somehow, life went on. now i'm white knuckle gripping the reins in front and trying to stay there or at least sense when someone else is grabbing them. if i haven't lost time, does that mean it's just me? or does that mean i am still aware when it's someone else? i have no ######6 clue.

feelings coming out is uncomfortable. we have been detached and emotionless for ages, and now there are all these different ######6 feelings popping out randomly. feeling sweet and friendly for a while, smiling at people, chatting. this is not normal. then in a split second, resentful of our gf for seeming to not grasp the enormity of this for us. i think we're imagining that, but i can't tell. bad feelings. paranoia that we're not being nice. i don't know. feeling nothing was so easy. this is hard.

working a lot.

just needed to vent. i feel alone. the irony.

vortexvoid wrote:so tired all the time. this is always true, but now it feels worse.

today we were productive - did some homework, went and submitted loan papers at school. should get the money in a few weeks. everything will be ok. just have to pay the ######6 bill. being poor is ok. friends are nice and keep giving me food.

this is such an emotional/experiential rollercoaster. sometimes i'm happy and relieved, but then suddenly i'm crushed with the denial and self-doubt and what feels like hatred. super irritable with people. alternate with feeling glad we've told some close people, then deeply regretting it and wishing it was a secret because they will never understand. so sad that we don't think we can tell parents. then angry about it.

i can't tell who's who and what's what and when's when and i feel like i'm hyper vigilant now that i'm "in the know". like before, when i was in the dark, i could just float off and not be there and not feel or think and somehow, life went on. now i'm white knuckle gripping the reins in front and trying to stay there or at least sense when someone else is grabbing them. if i haven't lost time, does that mean it's just me? or does that mean i am still aware when it's someone else? i have no ######6 clue.

feelings coming out is uncomfortable. we have been detached and emotionless for ages, and now there are all these different ######6 feelings popping out randomly. feeling sweet and friendly for a while, smiling at people, chatting. this is not normal. then in a split second, resentful of our gf for seeming to not grasp the enormity of this for us. i think we're imagining that, but i can't tell. bad feelings. paranoia that we're not being nice. i don't know. feeling nothing was so easy. this is hard.

working a lot.

just needed to vent. i feel alone. the irony.

I know it's hard, but I promise you that you're stronger than you think you are and that you can get through this. You just have to make sure that you never give up.

I don't have any ######6 clue either (tried to message you back; not sure if it will go through; if not, please know that I really appreciate it). Maybe there's a point to some of it... I mean, I'm sorry, I'm confused, but just focus on the part that will get you through when you need it. You can do it and I believe in you.

Best regards.

(I really hope my PM goes through...)