Suddenly became aware of the others..

leonapaxton wrote: I noticed that my handwriting seems to change a lot but I thought it was just my mood lol

same here! it's the weirdest thing, because i've kept journals for 25 years now, and i have consistently gone back and re-read them, but it never dawned on me. not until the other parts actually showed up and told me to look at the journals, and then suddenly it was glaringly obvious. it's amazing how you can make yourself so blind!

she says i'm letting it control me and I am the one in control of my body ... which hurts because sometimes I feel helpless in my own skin but I guess it's one of those things you'd have to experience to understand, so I can't blame her.

this is rough - because sometime's we're NOT in control of our bodies! i have experienced that very clearly lately, and it is so bizarre. but you're right - it's something that you can't really comprehend if you haven't experienced it. glad she at least gets the basics. just make sure you're always being treated with respect and gentleness, even if she doesn't fully get it.

Leona, just a general THANK YOU for your reply here - it means a lot to me. i have been struggling and this forum is a lifesaver. i write on here in large part because i want to have it documented (though i also write in my paper journal) but also because i found others' stories of discovery and progress so useful that i wanted to contribute. and finally, it is good to have some support from people who actually know what it's like. i'm curious to meet other multiples in person, but also sort of terrified. maybe it's too soon. anyway, thank you
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"curiouser and curiouser.." yes. always. this is so strange every day, and so unexpected.

last night after chem lab i stayed to ask some questions of my professor - and somehow ended up in a long conversation about a bunch of stuff.. struggles with school, mental stuff. i didn't explicitly state that i have DID, but was describing that i don't really know "who" comes to class sometimes, and that i felt bad for acting erratic and weird. she was very understanding and shared a good amount of personal stuff with me. this is COMPLETELY out of character for me, at school i am generally reclusive, don't talk to much of anyone, just do my work and leave. for whatever reason i just spilled all this stuff. it felt good but scary. i don't know why it happened. i think i am afraid that i'm losing my grip on school, and i wanted her to know how hard i am trying, how there is actually a reason for the unpredictability of my day-to-day interactions at school. even though i felt shy and sort of embarrassed afterward, i came home feeling optimistic, like maybe talking about it is ok, and like people will be understanding.

i even toyed with the idea of letting some of my others out intentionally, since they specifically said that i shouldn't keep them locked up in their memories.

then i woke up today - exhausted. discouraged. fuzzy. i sat down to study for my exam and had a really hard time, it's like i didn't remember anything we've done in class. i struggled through the practice problems and went to school for the test.

then everything went way wrong. i already felt off-kilter and nervous, and then something stupid happened - my pen died. silly sounding, but it threw me completely. i always (ALWAYS ALWAYS) use the same type of pen in school. i don't use it for anything else BUT school. and i didn't have a backup. so i grabbed my journal pen and tried to continue with the test - suddenly i REALLY had no idea what i was doing. the problems looked completely alien, like i was looking at someone else's homework. i tried working on them and holy $#%^ - different handwriting. i couldn't control it. then i looked down at my hands and thought "these aren't my hands. there are tattoos on these hands, they're not mine". at that point i got really freaked because i realized i must have switched entirely. i felt overwhelmed and emotional and scared. those are Rachel qualities. Rachel doesn't go to school, Rae does. Rae needs the right pen. Rae is awesome at chemistry. Rachel isn't.

i finished the test as best i could, with the critic yelling in my head as i struggled through problems that made no sense. left feeling defeated and unsettled.

it's bad enough to do poorly in one of my best subjects, but i couldn't help thinking i had jinxed myself by thinking about letting others out. did they take that as an invitation? was it just stress? also i felt like, by talking to my professor the previous night, i had let Rachel out at school and that's why she showed up. and i'm afraid my teacher will now think that i'm making things up or being weird on purpose. like "oh sure you talk about not knowing 'who is at school' and then the next day bomb a test and change your handwriting".. fdfslkjafdsljkdfsljkdfs

i hate questioning myself and i hate being paranoid that others question me. i believe this is real because i experience it, because i have over two decades of written evidence, because it has been diagnosed by an experienced doctor i've seen for years.. but i STILL doubt myself daily. or at least the critic does. she tells me i'm stupid and dramatic and needy and pathetic i don't deserve to eat or talk to people or have friends. everything bad. i don't want to tell her to shut up because i'm sure she has her reasons, so i have been asking her to please not say those things to me. i don't know if it has had any effect. i hate this.

i feel like i can't control anything and that makes me want to cling to my mechanisms of control (aka food restriction) but i know that's a trap. trapped. i feel trapped. i don't know what each day or even each moment will bring.

i realize this must be part of figuring stuff out and getting better but this sucks.

Sorry you had such a bad experience with your test Wish I had some advice to share. It's great that you haven't given up though. I admire that.

You're welcome hun, no worries. Glad I could help in some way. Sharinng freely here gives me a little boost as well, you know you're not alone and you aren't faking it.

It's quite possible that Rachel felt welcome after talking to your prof the day before, so she chose to be the one holding the reins the next day ... what she didn't account for was how hard chem can be lol I'm really sorry to hear the test didn't go so well ... Try not to beat yourself up with thoughts about what your teacher MAY be thinking. If she's half decent at her job, she should be able to put her chemistry knowledge together with some empathy .. Maybe do her own research ... Maybe she'll even make you resit. Won't know just yet. Breathe

It's hard to ignore the critic in our head sometimes ... i totally get the food restriction thing ...You're right, it's not a good idea. Being hungry makes you feel worse. I tend to have hair cutting spells, dye jobs, etc. It feels like the only thing I do have control of lol

Yeah this self-discovery/awareness/getting through it to get better part sucks, I'm at a similar place in my journey. It's very confusing trying to make sense of it all .. but that's why the forum is here

brutal week. has it already been a week? it's hard to know what day it is. time passes in such strange ways - sometimes stretching out forever and sometimes blinking out of existence. even listening to a song with a steady beat, i can feel parts of it stretch out and sound like they're slowing down, then other parts speed up and the beats cram themselves together.

i feel like i'm losing control of everything. this is bad timing because the quarter is wrapping up and finals are coming. i feel myself coming unglued, more than usual. i've caught myself hiding in the bathroom stall at school, staring into space. wandering around thinking i should go get scalpels from the lab and cut like crazy. i have prevented those things so far, but it is scary. it's definitely a different 'self' that drives those things, but it is coming out more and being very forceful. at work a few nights ago i was overwhelmed with yelling and screaming inside of the most vile type - i can't even type all the stuff it said. very abusive and mean and terrifying. then it passed as quickly as it came, and i was left tired and sad. then suddenly talkative and cheerful. each time it changes, i can barely remember the feelings of before - it's like i was told they happened, but they didn't happen to ME.

found a lot of scary things in journals, then found a childhood drawing of a disturbing nature. i don't know what it all means, but i certainly don't like what it looks like. what i need to know is whether there's any possible explanation BESIDES abuse for these things. maybe it was something else. maybe i'm just defective. if there's any reason for it not to be true, i want to consider it.

therapy tomorrow. i'm relieved and afraid.
can't keep up in school.
i just want to curl up and disappear.

vortexvoid wrote:i just want to curl up and disappear.

We understand this very well.

Wishing you peace,

MDs

Hi. We kind of freaked out, and the Bigger One deleted our account, and then we freaked out some more. Sorry about that.

Are you doing okay?

SelfStranger2 - thanks for checking in! I understand about the account deletion.. sometimes they don't want us to believe "it" is true. glad you're back though

__________

this week has passed quickly and blurry-like.

finally spoke to my mom after i had a missed call from her. thinking she finally wanted to talk to me, i called back. only to have her say she'd dialed me on accident. go figure. we talked a bit anyway. i mentioned things being difficult, she asked why, i told her it was the dissociation i had mentioned in our last conversation (over a month ago). she basically said she'd pray for me and that was that. the rest was just surface talk.

i am disappointed but not surprised. and i guess i'm relieved because i can just let go of the idea that they will help me dig deeper or figure anything out. for now i have to just keep them at arm's length. maybe when i'm further along and feeling stronger i will push them for more info, but right now i am not ready to risk things going badly (which is what i anticipate). bummer. but i'm setting those worries aside for now. i have to focus on my wellbeing, on school, on work.

finals are next week. i have decent grades in both classes so hopefully i'll do ok. i can't wait for this spring break. i'm so terrifically exhausted and worn down.

internal voices have been very negative and scary lately. the violent one is very loud. the other day i found a bunch of needles and syringes in my backpack - i realized i had stolen them from bio lab, though the memory is foggy and i have no idea what the intent was. that's scary for me. constant thoughts of harming myself and others, which i can control but it is draining and torturous. thus, a great deal of numbing has been going on. netflix like woah.

in therapy today our therapist asked how we're doing with food (since we are a "mostly-recovered" anorexic, and we attend therapy at an eating disorder clinic).. we've been "sneakily" restricting, we said. it doesn't feel like times in the past, when every fiber of us was focused on DONT EAT YOU ARE FAT, it's more like.. sometimes i (Rae?) eat when i'm hungry or something sounds good. but it feels like one or more of the others don't. they just.. ignore hunger and put it off and don't buy food. so we've been losing weight, albeit pretty slowly. we're maybe four lbs above underweight right now. T asked why we think some part of us is restricting.

"I'm not sure, but i would speculate that it's because..." i trailed off because it felt like someone cut me off (like on the freeway).. they swerved in front of me from my left and sort of pushed me to the right, though i was still there. i felt my eyes blur and i heard them answer. i relayed the answer to T:
"-restriction and weight loss grants us an artificially continuous sense of time, keeps things in a linear arrangement instead of jumping in and out of time." ...this is NOT what MY answer was going to be. i was going to say that i speculated it was because we feel out of control and are trying to find some shred of control to cling to.

I told T that i was relaying the words of the one who cut me off. she said she could tell something was different - that my voice sounded robotic. i described the feeling as "channeling a spirit". afterward, everything felt like it was vibrating slightly and i felt woozy and weird.

i've been drawing diagrams, timelines of the various others, when they appeared, when they went "underground" for periods, when some of them split in two, etc. it's very helpful and satisfying (i must be Rae, i love organizing and categorizing information). there are periods i can't figure out, though. where no one identifiable is "in charge" and things are sort of chaotic. these periods of confusion usually precede the appearance of someone new. they also usually involve periods of heavy restriction and shaving my head. i'm not sure if this is a separate Other or if it's more like the absence of one.. a void that someone steps into.

anyway, i'm on guard because i have been restricting, and have recently noticed the strong urge to shave all my hair off again.

i resist when i can, numb when i can't. write about it as much as possible. try to have good moments of connection with my gf and friends when possible. i'm grateful for the good people in my life.

i also found a group of multiples that meets in my town (in my neighborhood, even!) and i'm going to go meet them in a few weeks. i am TERRIFIED but excited. if i hate it i never have to go back.. but i want to at least try.

time to do chemistry and go to work. feeling more optimistic than usual today. hope we can hang on to that for a while.

extremely strong desire to shave head and restrict food. trying to resist because this pattern seems to precede the emergence of someone new.. and that seems scary. i don't know if it would be a bad thing or a good thing.. i mean, if it is someone more capable and well-balanced and able to have emotions, that might be good. but what if it's someone destructive or even more detached (how is that possible). have been experiencing some strange obsessive dark thoughts lately that i used to have before and i am afraid of giving them any more foothold than they already have.

whoever this bald anorexic is, they seem to serve as an "eraser".. erasing what came before and starting over. i have too much invested in the now, i don't want to erase it. i don't know what to do.

Hi VV,

Hope you're doing okay. I'm not an expert and don't know how good my advice is, but I think you should try to avoid doing what you described and possibly falling back into a destructive pattern. Especially now, when you already have so much on your plate and need to keep focused on school and work. Maybe instead you can try to redirect these urges into something more constructive? What if you went and got a new style haircut and simply changed up your diet, incorporating new or different foods? I would say something about internal communication, but like I said, I'm no expert. I wish I could offer more/better advice, but I hope this helps, and I wish the best for you.

bad times. can't think or be productive. took the weekend off work to study and instead fell into a destructive black hole and then slept for thirty hours straight. just trying to not be conscious. each time my eyes opened, wishing they wouldn't again.

now i have to go take these two finals and i'm not prepared for either one. and i just don't care anymore. i feel stupid for thinking i could accomplish all the things i wanted to, stupid for thinking anything would get better.

so full of anger and criticism and bitterness towards everyone and everything. myself most of all.