What is Going On?

I don't know if I'm going to the right place but it seems like someone, perhaps the moderator who has to approve this will tell me what questions to ask or ask me better questions to answer.

I've had some symptoms that have bothered me but can find nothing on-line to even point me in the right direction. I just don't know what combination of words to put in a search engine to find an clue.

Symptom 1: Verbal Outbursts but not like Tourette's. Specificially, a few occasions where I start speaking with no control or will or knowledge of what I am saying or will say next. An instance: at a preacher's house and I burst into a conversation to give a monologue about how to brush your teeth that isn't even correct and as I'm speaking I know full well you do not brush your teeth hard for a full 5 minutes, ect. But the words, to my surprise keep coming out. Another instance, talking to a friend on the phone who is very religious (note I'm no longer religious and these are the examples I remember that just happen to be from a time when I was still religious) and I break into her conversation to say, "God ######6 Damn it!" I was such a good little girl that I would not have spoken like that. Laughably, I'd compare the sensation to possession as I feel I have no control over my voice.

Symptom 2: forgotten verbal outbursts. I always thought my husband was pulling my leg. He'd tell me I'd just screamed or cried out or was extremely emotional but as far as I remembered I'd been just standing there. I blew him off. Now that I've moved away from him (thought he was gas lighting me or "joking" as his jokes can sometimes be harsh) for awhile my family has said similar things to me, "You okay?"

Me: Confused, "Yeah, why?"

Them: Equally confused, "Well, you just cried out and made that noise."

Me: "Um, no I've been here the whole time. I think I'd remember that."

They actually used the word anguished.

I can't tell you the number of times that's happened around my husband. And who knows before that. So far as I know the only thing close to that I've ever known about was in Basic Military Training where I slept-walked for the one and only time of my life.

I don't have lost time though. I remember being right where I was doing whatever I was doing when I'm told I just screamed or cried or said something horrible like the time I was pregnant and cried, "She's going to die!" or so swore my husband. And I miscarried.

Yes to the history of abuse, of course, or I'd probably not be here.

Some other things that come to mind. I have a laundry list of diagnosis. Not really looking for another one just want to understand the symptoms and stop confusing my family.

First thing is very sensitive. I'm very smart but began an extremely dangerous maladaptive coping mechanism when I was young. I'm a hypoxiphilliac. I was 4 and being sexually abused. Please, give me some slack. I'm paying for it now in being honest. My husband wants a divorce and I can't see my fur babies any more. Lies and secrets have a cost. I don't choke myself, never have. I smother which is a slow but equally stupid and dangerous thing to do. The VA has me on High risk for my OCD "habit".

The point of sharing that is I've thought perhaps these symptoms are cognitive? I've just gotten NeuroPsych Testing done but haven't gotten the results. They are waiting for me but I lost my car and can't go to my follow-up and that is a very long story that can be it's own post. So, I don't know if I have a mTBI though I imagine it's likely. Also have sleep apnea and am getting my PaP machine on Saturday. Just a lot going on with the loss of oxygen here for, well, most of my life.

Second thing is I have Asperger's and it's possible to hallucinate with an ASD diagnosis. Only thing is I would be hallucinating that I'm acting normal for my second symptom and that doesn't work for the first symptom. When I say I've been sharing I mean it. I even told them about the odd sensation I get waking up sometimes. I'll see trails after things when my eyes move or they move in front of me. It's very odd. I've also confessed that I wonder if I'm synesthetic. Although, as an Anthropology Major that is a very interesting concept since entire cultures can synesthize (sp?) the same things; example I'm American and I associate the color blue with an emotion of sadness, the color red with anger and it would be odd if I didn't. The Greek have some senses tied into their cooking and eating habits because they are all about food and those are the only two examples I can think of right now.

Anyway, I always had this habit of "hearing" the beats of music to silent movements (like train lights blinking). I can tell the beats are in my head but I could go away and come back in a year, or 10 years and if I saw the same patten I would "hear" the same sounds even if I don't really hear them. It's a useless trick unless I find someone else with the same talent. Then I could make them a silent music video and only they could hear it.

They consider these hallucinations at Veteran Affairs. While I think the trails are caused by the drugs I take (and since I've stopped the drug I suspected and the trails stopped I now know that's what it was) and that the other isn't so much a hallucination. It's more to do with my senses being crossed and they are because I'm ASD.

But I've always feared being Psychotic. When I got really sick recently and ended up in the Psych ward for the first time ever at 35 I met this other guy near my age who was schizoaffective and as we were talking about these symptoms he looked at me and was like, "You haven't been diagnosed yet?"

That terrified me. I told my therapist everything but these two symptoms because I don't want to take anti-psychotic drugs or what on earth will they think of me. Right now the idea is that I can function and work in the world. If I get another diagnosis it might be off to live on disability. Not that that is easy. Two years of not working and appealing the process.

Then again, I could be choosing to worry about this as a distraction from why I was in the hospital in the first place and the divorce my husband now wants after finding out about my maladaptive tendencies. I'm too much to handle. Too hard. Just any answers to what this could be I'd appreciate it.

One last thing. When I get hit by a trigger word/event. I have the oddest sensation of being physicially violated by words. Like, talk about a trigger word and I will get that sensation of needed a shower for feeling filthy and dirty like I did as an abused kid. And sick, even worse if the trigger keeps going (say it's a podcast or speaker) I will have to excuse myself because my same have aroused me through this strangers triggering words. Like, one I had to go to the bathroom and just put my hand over my vagina to get the severe and uncomfortable sensations to stop. I can't even have a discussion about this with out them knowing and going right into exposure therapy or avoiding triggers all together.

I don't get any of this. I can't find people saying, "Oh hey, I have that too." And why would they? This sucks. And please don't mistake anything I'm saying. I've told 99.99999% of everything to a freaking team of doctors of all kinds. The first time I tried to confess in an on-line forum about this horrible trauma that created an obsessive monster (auto erotic asphyxiation) I struggled to control I had cops following my car around for a week, and my friends cars. That is when I realized the importance of social norms in the neurotypical world. No, I don't hurt others and never would or I'd have been in a hospital longer than I was and for good reason and I would have kept myself there because I care very much about safety and model behavior around the next generation so they don't grow up ###$ like we all have.

there are diagnostic screenings and tests that can rule out a dissociative disorders.

you can find the DES online by googling dissociative experiences scale. it is brief and the score can indicate if further testing is indicated.

a trained therapist can administer the SCID-D or MID. these are longer and you can't do them yourself.

all these look at the 5 core symptoms:
amnesia (forgetting)
Depersonalization - feeling like you aren't real
Derealization - feeling like the world isn't real
Identity Confusion
Identity Alteration

taking the DES can give some regular life examples of these symptoms. other conditions and states can have dissociative elements without being DID.

there are other dissociative diagnosis like C-PTSD and DDNOS.

no matter what is going on the best first step is self care.

best wishes.

Vera1981 wrote:Symptom 2: forgotten verbal outbursts. I always thought my husband was pulling my leg. He'd tell me I'd just screamed or cried out or was extremely emotional but as far as I remembered I'd been just standing there.

Vera1981 wrote:I don't have lost time though. I remember being right where I was doing whatever I was doing when I'm told I just screamed...

I would consider this losing time though. Only a few seconds, but still you did lose time. Alter switching loss of time though, don't know.

I agree with Cid (ShawTrav) 100%. Losing time doesn't have to be days or even hours.

My mother, who had DID, used to have forgotten verbal outbursts and they weren't particularly rare. Sudden emotional responses, quick snide comments, or a characteristic dismissive hmmmph. And when somebody bothered to draw attention to it, such as "what was that about?" she'd reply along the lines of "what was what about?" When we'd replay what we just heard seconds earlier, she would deny they had just happened. "Oh pooh, I wouldn't say that" or "that doesn't even sound like me." And nothing could get her to engage, she'd just change the subject. If pressed, she'd get agitated or angry. So I think we pretty much stopped drawing her attention to these. What was the point?

After I realized I had DID and that she did too, I watched her face and could now spot the very quick switches. But by that point I knew what to look for. I could see she was genuinely perplexxed and didn't remember these micro-outbursts at all.

Hi there, I read your post and I just had to comment on two things in particular that you stated. First of all the VA is so conservative and under funded everywhere. Latest diagnoses aren't even available there yet. You might have Auditory Synesthesia. Here's the link:

http://scienceblogs.com/pontiff/2008/08 ... esia-test/

I used to have friends on two support websites, Billie's Help Page and Experience Project, who had what you have. It is real and isn't a hallucination.

I had Asperger Syndrome, but am recovered now. You don't suffer with hallucinations. The likelihood of hallucinations in Asperger Syndrome is like the smallest rarest side effects of common drugs. Aspies don't hallucinate from Asperger Syndrome. That's just not at all common:

https://www.autismspeaks.org/what-autis ... r-syndrome

Please don't listen to the under funded VA. I beg you to seek help elsewhere. I have known too many veterans who have gotten substandard care at the VA. I think you deserve better, if you can get it.

*gentle hugs*

Johnny-Jack, we could have written your post.

MDs

I got a score of 58, Higher association with DID.

So, are those symptoms anything anyone here has heard of? It sounds like the short bursts of emotion that I don't recall sound like something ya'll have seen. I'm usually in the middle of talking to myself when it happens. I get embarrassed that I mumble to myself but assume everyone does. I don't talk "to" people or hear voices or anything but that was one of the questions on that DID survey. I'm always talking to myself and trying not to. I also have a vivid imagination and always thought I'd be a writer as a kid because of how real my imagination was. I was isolated enough that I'd kind of live in my imagination. That too was mentioned in the survey but I never thought of it as anything more than a result of being isolated and being human (we are social creatures after all).