I, the host,a part just like the others?

This devestated me. My T had been telling me this but one day I heard him. I am a part just like the rest .I was under the delusion I was the "real " me. Or the main/most important me....not a part or an other. Scares me tha t i will not be as much me as I thought. BUT,o n the other hand, I don't beleive I am real...nothing seems real .And, there are parts I want to be with so badly. So, what is my problem and why so devestated.: Anybody else here get this?

Our host, Cassandra, had a difficult time when she realized that she was not the "original"/"original core", and that she herself was in fact, an alter. Realizations such as this may seem like they should not affect you that much, but realizations often bring about change; a change in knowledge, a change in awareness, a change in opinion, a change in how one things, etc. And with any change, there is a possibility for it to be difficult to accept, adapt to, and be "fine" with.

Here is a thread that might be helpful to you: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100829.html
It contains resource websites and other threads from this site that deal with common questions, experiences, issues, etc. Here is the thread where Cassandra realized she was not the "original", since you may identify with that: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic74667.html (Be advised, it may possibly be slightly triggering).

This thread may be of interest to you as well, it is a thread about hosts and how to know when you are the host: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic97968.html

Just try to remember that you are all pieces of a puzzle. All of you together creates one whole person, and each piece of the puzzle is important and needed. Without all pieces, the puzzle is incomplete. No one is more important than another.
Also, unless there are reasons concerning the progress of therapy, it is unimportant to know who the "original core" is. It does not really affect anything, and there are many out there who do not know who the "original core" is, yet they still progress/heal just fine.

I hope this place is helpful to you.

~Rain

Thank you,I will check out the info

dianezz wrote:Anybody else here get this?

Oh yes. Been there, done that, screamed and cried about it. This is a common emotional response to this new understanding of your situation. I think it is healthy too! An important aspect of accepting our alters is accepting that we ourselves are part of a DID system.

Ive been going through this too as if I've been becoming many rather than one. Has been tougher on 'the one' that I was most aware of for so long. However with help from the rest, she's getting through and adapting to the others. A weird experience. Helped to know what was going on and have others around here to help so that you know you're not alone.

I have once been called an alter it seems...
See here: post960880.html
I still feel weird about that post (note: I didn't switch!)
I can accept it intelectually, but really completely accepting it will take a while (denial). And probably a formal diagnosis too. I think accepting DID and accepting you're only a part of a system go together.

Holy crap...I never actually considered this. I just assumed that since I was the one name Jo, I was the core.

This is a very bizarre feeling.

Hosts are often alters themselves. It can take some adjustment to get used to the idea, but no more than the adjustment and acceptance needed for DDNOS-1/DID in general.

We are all pieces to the puzzle. The "original" no longer exists. There can be an "original core", which, if "splitting" is believed to be true, is the part that alters first began to "split" from. However, the "original core" usually becomes like an alter themselves, and is equal to all alters. (For example, we believe our "original core" is Cassie, who has remained 8 years old, and is now more like a little alter than a "core").

People often make the mistake of thinking that with integration, all alters will "add up" to equal them, the host (who is not always the "core"). This is not true. If the alters created the host when "put together"/integrated, then the alters would not exist in the first place. Every part, alters and "original core" alike, is needed to create a whole person, a single personality. Puzzle pieces do not create a picture of another puzzle piece. They create the whole picture/person that would have been there if DDNOS-1/DID had not developed.

~Rain

dianezz wrote:This devastated me. My T had been telling me this but one day I heard him. I am a part just like the rest .I was under the delusion I was the "real " me. Or the main/most important me....not a part or an other. Scares me that i will not be as much me as I thought. BUT, on the other hand, I don't believe I am real...nothing seems real .And, there are parts I want to be with so badly. So, what is my problem and why so devastated.: Anybody else here get this?

I had the exact same reaction. I was a mess for a while, then the smoke cleared and things got clear.

Now I look at it how it should be. I will be far better once integrated with the other parts of me and I accept that I am only one small part of the whole. I want all the memories (once processed) and talents that all the various parts of me have. This whole idea has helped immensely in my integration.

Trigger Warning
I am a sum of my parts - This is so important to grasp! - There is no core, no original, no real me!

This is what we were talking about in another thread. There is NO original, no core, no whatever you want to call it. There is no REAL ME that other parts split from. Those anxious feelings you are having will calm, but it will take a while, or at least it did for me.


This sums it up well.
"DID does not arise from a previously mature, unified mind or “core personality” that becomes shattered or fractured. Rather, DID results from a failure of normal developmental integration caused by overwhelming experiences and disturbed caregiver–child interactions (including neglect and the failure to respond) during critical early developmental periods. This, in turn, leads some traumatized children to develop relatively discrete, personified behavioral states that ultimately evolve into the DID alternate identities."

The quote is from the 2012 ISSTD Guidelines written by: Chu J. A, Dell P. F, van der Hart O, Cardeña E, Barach P. M, Somer E, Loewenstein R. J, Brand B, Golston, J. C, Courtois C. A, Bowman E. S, Classen C, Dorahy M, Sar V,Gelinas J, Fine C.G ,Paulsen S., Kluft R. P, Dalenberg C. J, Jacobson-Levy M, Nijenhuis E, Boon S, Chefetz R, Middleton W, Ross C. A, Howell E, Goodwin G, Coons P. M, Frankel A. S, Steele K, Gold S. N, Gast U., Young L. M, Twombly J.

Free PDF online
http://www.isst-d.org/jtd/GUIDELINES_REVISED2011.pdf

Funny, this hit me a couple weeks ago. I realized that I can't be "one" AND have "parts" I am a part, just like them. I think it is a good thing to come to grips with, but it was a bit of a shock for sure.

When I was young, I remember I used to have this fear that I was just someone in a dream being had by a man. It terrified me- I was scared that he would wake up and I would disappear forever. Looking back on it now, that was clearly a thought of a child with DID.