unstable right now *possible trigger warning

I have no idea what happened. All I know is that I suddenly feel very detached from myself. My head hurts, my whole body's shaking, and I feel extremely anxious even though there's no reason to. I'm mainly typing to stay here. My head's a whirlwind, I can't quite make out what anyone's saying but I hear voices, and childhood memories keep popping up randomly. I feel like an earthquake opened up the ground and I'm about to fall in. The last clear thing I remember is hearing Cassie think something along these lines: "...that was back when Cassandra was still me." The words, "when Cassandra was still me" echoed, and they're still replaying over and over in my head. I felt like someone poured ice cold water over me when the words first echoed. I remember faintly thinking, "Back when I was still Cassie....does that mean that Cassie's the core? Am I a split off of her instead of the other way around?" That's when my head started hurting, and now I can't really think straight. I know there was something I was supposed to do, because I was getting ready to leave my house when this happened, but now I can't remember what it was and I feel very lost and confused. I can't see into my "inner world", I can't make out what anyone's saying, and I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality. My anxiety's getting worse, I feel like I'm in danger but there's nothing around that would cause me to feel like this. I feel like I have to run. Run and just keep running. I don't know where, but I will when I get there. In fact it's very hard to keep myself here right now because all I want to do is run out of my room, out of this house, and keep running until I get to wherever my feet want to go. I know I still have to leave the house, but I can't remember for what, and since I'm so unstable I'm trying to stay here so that I don't try to run anywhere, because I'm definitely not driving like this. Those words! They just keep echoing in my head! I don't want to hear them anymore! I...I....I don't know. I don't even know what to type. I'm so jumbled right now. I feel so small and scared. Normally when I feel like this Cassie comes out but I don't know where she is. I still can't make out what anyone's saying and I still can't see anything. I'm going to try and calm down and smoke a cigarette... typing helps but I don't want to ramble on and on and repeat myself. I just feel like I'm about to explode, I'm so anxious. Ugh.

I'm very sorry you are feeling this way Cassandra. I don't want to trigger you further, but...have you taken a look at any of the posts you have written recently? They might provide some insight into where the anxious feelings are coming from.

Keep typing if it is what keeps you present right now. Pm me if you like. The little just wrote Cassie a message, but I am happy to be of support to you right now.

Take a deep breath..relax try and calm down. Something probably triggered you and you are really freaking out..


Sorry that's not very helpful I know ..trying to help. ..if you need to talk PM me.

Hey you,

I am sorry you are feeling so rubbish. When I was in crisis I had that urge to run run run and just run. Away from everything and away from nothing all at once.

This whole idea of who is the core.... suffice to say that you both split off from each other? Like an apple being split in half? I only say this because of how anxious you are over the thought that you may not be the core.

Don't worry. Cassie is around. She was writing to me in PM's. She is offering her hugs as always and trying to get my little Alice to talk

You are going to be okay. Keep typing if it helps. Doesn't necessarily have to be something you put up here (though I'd love it if you could manage that).

I know things feel really unstable and out of hand right now, but this will pass. Ride it out with us.

Bourbon

Cassandra I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't think I can say anything that can be of help, but I just wanted to let you know that I am here and I am so sorry you're feeling this way. I have felt similar to you in the sense of needing/wanting to run and run and run. I'm glad you decided not to drive in this state. That was a smart decision. Please just keep trying to take care of yourself in whatever way you can. Maybe do something to take your mind off of everything like watch a movie or something...? I don't know, sorry that might be a bad suggestion. I know that sometimes things like that help to distract me. I'm here if you need anything.
Caroline

It's like my mind won't let me move past it. All I hear is "When Cassandra was still me", over and over again. I can hear voices, but I can't make out what they're saying to me. It's like they're speaking a different language but I know they're not. I finally remembered why I was going to leave the house, I was going to the store, and luckily it's a short walk away. I want to do it before I forget so I'm going to do that after I post this but I know I'll be back shortly. My head hurts, I'm really shaky, and I still feel very anxious. I can't see anyone or any part of my "inner world" right now, and I don't like that. I feel like a frayed rope that's being tugged on by something and eventually the rope will break and snap. I can't even think straight, all I hear are those echoing words. I hate it! Stop it! I don't want to hear it anymore!

I have to calm down. I have to. I'm supposed to go pick up my boyfriend from work in a little over an hour.

I can't get my breathing to slow down. I feel like I can't breathe fast enough, like my heart is pumping faster than I can keep up with. If I try to breathe slower, I feel like I'm not getting enough oxygen and I start to panic.

I know I have to at least go to the store before I forget. I have to. I can do this. It's a quick trip. I can come right back to my safe room. I just need to take a deep breathe and go for it. I can do this, I know it.

I hate those echoing words! Argh!

Sorry, I didn't mean to not acknowledge your replies. Thank you for your responses, and thank you for the reassurance that Cassie is at least still there even though I can't see her. It really helps. I've tried distractions, but the echoing words just get louder so that I can't focus on anything else. It's like I'm not allowed to be distracted.

Yes you can do it. And on your way be mindful of breathing in lots of fresh air. Lots of calming, fresh air. 3 seconds in, 5 seconds out if you can. Is there any way you can ring your T? Physically hearing a voice you know may really help. She is there for times of crisis like this.

bourbon

Please be careful on your trip to the store. Is it something you can wait to do until you are able to stabilize yourself? Might your boyfriend be able to find another ride home? It doesn't sound like you should be driving.

-- Thu Oct 06, 2011 8:17 pm --

bourbon wrote:Yes you can do it. And on your way be mindful of breathing in lots of fresh air. Lots of calming, fresh air. 3 seconds in, 5 seconds out if you can. Is there any way you can ring your T? Physically hearing a voice you know may really help. She is there for times of crisis like this.

bourbon

unless I am mistaken, I don't believe tomboy24 is currently seeing a T, unfortunately.

My trip was successful, and actually strangely helpful. You are correct, divided. I'm not currently in therapy, though I am trying to get back into it.

It's funny how helpful a walk can be, especially a walk in the rain. The rain has always been able to calm me down. It feels like it's washing everything away, all my emotions, all my worries, all my troubles, and it helps clear my mind and allows me to think things through clearly and logically. (Rain is always like this, which is why I think she chose the name "Rain").

On my walk I saw an apple core on the sidewalk and started laughing. I got some weird looks from people walking by, but I didn't care. It made me think of the core issue I was having that caused me to feel so unstable. My head still hurts but I'm not anxious anymore and I mainly feel really tired.

But I am happy because I've realized something! I do think that I'm not the core, but I'm a host, and I've been in control for a very long time. I think Cassie is a damaged core, and I split from her when I couldn't afford to be the child I was supposed to be. I had to grow up very quickly after my mom died, and I think that Cassie wasn't able to cope with that, and so she was "put away" until a time when she could start coming back "out". I know that she has a lot of pain that she hasn't dealt with, and I've been putting off working through that trauma because I never felt that I needed to work on it. And I was right. I don't need to work on it, Cassie does, and I've been protecting her from working through that pain and healing all these years. I realize now how important it is for me to get back into therapy and start addressing issues I tend to steer away from, because I realize now that I've been keeping Cassie from healing through protecting her. At least, that's what makes sense to me. And as soon as I realized this after I saw the apple core, I felt immensely better. It felt like I had finally found the key to a lock I'd been trying to pick for years.

That apple core made a funny image pop into my head, too. There was Cassie, and then an apple slicer was put over her and she was cut into many pieces. She was still in the center, but now a bunch of slices were all around her, and they were all us! Me, Kat, Rain, and everyone. My mind works in weird ways sometimes.