Girlfriend explained to me that she has Alters

NightFox819 wrote:She says she does trust me and I believe that.
I just wouldn't want to do anything to trigger her to switch to an alter that deals with that, and not for pleasure, but because she feels helpless. I'm trying to be vague as possible here, while trying to get my message across because of Triggers.
If you've read my earlier posts you'd see that I am a singleton and am very new to DID, so I don't know how specific Triggers have to be. I'm just being careful.

I'm new here so I'm still figuring out when a trigger warning is needed or not. And I'm new, too, to the DID thing. I just came into "awareness" of my alters a little over a month ago.

The only suggestion I can think of is just always be sure to pay attention to how she acts when you're intimate. Even the smallest bit of tensing up could be a sign of something. And if you're unsure about something, ask. While even asking could cause a switch, it will still help you learn the correct boundaries when it comes to having sex with her. My husband will sometimes think I'm behaving in a way that's not natural to me and he'll stop and just ask my name. Gets annoying, but I understand he's just making sure, especially since he's paranoid about the fact I have a child alter.

I hope this helps in some way, like I said, I'm new to this too.

As long as you write a trigger warning you can write what you want

**trigger warning**
As for the topic of intimacy, everyone has to find their own rules. For instance, we have rules in place for not just when or with whom, but how, one is allowed to be intimate. These rules are set by my SO, myself and everyone else in our system. It's important for everyone to know they decide as well as it is all of ours body.
**trigger warning end**

Best of luck with finding what works for you and learning more about all these DID things

Wronglesson and Lifelongthing gave good advice.

I'd do a mixture, if I were you. I'd ask her what she's comfortable with overall, kinda like how you outline boundaries when you first start dating (like kissing's ok, but that's it, type of thing). Stuff like, is she comfortable with you hugging her from behind? Does she need to feel/be in control at all times? Would she feel more comfortable with you leading, or with you just sitting back and letting her lead? (I'm not going to list more intimate stuff, but I think you get the idea).

Then I'd also make a conscious effort to be very aware of her body language. Like Wronglesson said, even the slightest bit of tensing can be a sign that she's not comfortable with something, or that someone inside isn't comfortable with it. I know that with Luna, she freezes, both physically and verbally, and reverts to her defense mechanism of becoming apathetic to anything that happens. I've learned from her that some signs to watch for are: Lack of eye contact (like always looking away unless guided/forced to look at the person), lack of participation (like just sitting there, letting stuff happen), lack of verbal interaction, lack of movement (unless moved/guided by the other person), tensing of the body/muscles (usually most noticeable in her shoulders), and obvious hesitation.

You can also ask your girlfriend to be aware of stuff happening inside, how she feels, etc., so that she can let you know when something's not ok, when you need to stop, stuff like that. Not all the responsibility is on you, you know. Your girlfriend has responsibility in this, too. Ask her to be aware of how she feels, of things she might hear inside, of any changes to her mood, stuff like that, and let her know that you want her to be honest if you've gone too far or something isn't comfortable. I know it can be hard as a girlfriend to do that, especially since we don't want to disappoint or anything, but let her know that you'd rather her be honest than risk causing uncomfortability or doing something she or any other part of her doesn't like. Reassure her that you won't be upset, you won't be disappointed, that you'd rather her be happy and comfortable than anything else, etc.

Often times, even if people have experienced sexual trauma (I have), if they're with someone they trust and things are done slowly, gently, with love, with some caution (like asking, "Are you sure about this?"), and there's no attempts at complete control of the situation or anything like that, they tend to be ok and not be triggered or feel uncomfortable.

I hope this forum continues to be helpful to you, and I hope your relationship continues to go well. You sound like a very supportive and understanding significant other, and I'm glad your girlfriend has you in her life.

-Cassandra

tomboy24 wrote:Wronglesson and Lifelongthing gave good advice.

I'd do a mixture, if I were you. I'd ask her what she's comfortable with overall, kinda like how you outline boundaries when you first start dating (like kissing's ok, but that's it, type of thing). Stuff like, is she comfortable with you hugging her from behind? Does she need to feel/be in control at all times? Would she feel more comfortable with you leading, or with you just sitting back and letting her lead? (I'm not going to list more intimate stuff, but I think you get the idea).

Then I'd also make a conscious effort to be very aware of her body language. Like Wronglesson said, even the slightest bit of tensing can be a sign that she's not comfortable with something, or that someone inside isn't comfortable with it. I know that with Luna, she freezes, both physically and verbally, and reverts to her defense mechanism of becoming apathetic to anything that happens. I've learned from her that some signs to watch for are: Lack of eye contact (like always looking away unless guided/forced to look at the person), lack of participation (like just sitting there, letting stuff happen), lack of verbal interaction, lack of movement (unless moved/guided by the other person), tensing of the body/muscles (usually most noticeable in her shoulders), and obvious hesitation.

You can also ask your girlfriend to be aware of stuff happening inside, how she feels, etc., so that she can let you know when something's not ok, when you need to stop, stuff like that. Not all the responsibility is on you, you know. Your girlfriend has responsibility in this, too. Ask her to be aware of how she feels, of things she might hear inside, of any changes to her mood, stuff like that, and let her know that you want her to be honest if you've gone too far or something isn't comfortable. I know it can be hard as a girlfriend to do that, especially since we don't want to disappoint or anything, but let her know that you'd rather her be honest than risk causing uncomfortability or doing something she or any other part of her doesn't like. Reassure her that you won't be upset, you won't be disappointed, that you'd rather her be happy and comfortable than anything else, etc.

Often times, even if people have experienced sexual trauma (I have), if they're with someone they trust and things are done slowly, gently, with love, with some caution (like asking, "Are you sure about this?"), and there's no attempts at complete control of the situation or anything like that, they tend to be ok and not be triggered or feel uncomfortable.

I hope this forum continues to be helpful to you, and I hope your relationship continues to go well. You sound like a very supportive and understanding significant other, and I'm glad your girlfriend has you in her life.

-Cassandra

Thank you very much for the reply and the wonderful information.
My girlfriend and I are talking more and more about what she wants and what she doesn't want involving sexual relations, and such.
She says that all her sides very much enjoy my company and are willing to let me be a part of their life. As said previously, the only one that is still uneasy about me if her protector, and again I understand this. Protectors are not there to trust anyone, only to protect the system.
My girlfriend and I had a very romantic evening. Just full of cuddling and kissing. I talked to her about what she liked and she didn't like and we came to a very mutual understanding. No one really had to give anything up.
She told me how she prefers cuddling over anything else, and the best part is, I am the same way. I would much rather spend a romantic evening, cuddled up together on the couch to and watch a romantic comedy, and sip hot chocolate while it snows outside.
I don't know why, but I've always been that way.
I have told her over and over that I will never beg/plead/or ask her to do anything that she is uncomfortable with. She told me a bunch of things that she doesn't want to do, however I am not going to go into them.
(As Ron White once said "Turns out there's a list of **** that she won't do, and the first thing on that list is, talk about the list.)
While that being humorous, I'd never pressure her into anything we talked about (Mainly because a relationship is mutual and no one should ever have to do something, they don't want to do, just to make someone happy. Secondly because about 98% of those things I wouldn't want to do either)

I find it amazing how supportive, understanding, and absolutely fabulous you all are
Knowing that there is a whole community here dedicated to helping each other is truly amazing. Thank you so very much

UPDATE:

I am currently talking to another one of her alters; May. May is 27 years old.
I asked her what she helps my girlfriend out with and she says Life, Decisions, Goals, and Ambitions.
I asked her what kind of music she likes and she told me she'll listen to pretty much everything.
I'm trying not to ask to many questions though. She asked me one and it was one that meant a lot to them; 'Do you really love her?'
I told her; 'Yes. Very much(:'
I've never had this feeling over loving someone so much and being fascinated and astounded by them at the same time. It's breath taking!
May seems to be very shy and withdrawn. That's one reason I am trying not to ask to many questions.
Here's the big one. I

I asked May what she thought of me, and this is what she said.

"Mhm, at the moment, i am trying to figure out that the moment, you haven't done anything to hurt [girlfriend's name removed], so i am trying to trust you ::May::

to which I replied

"Well, all I can do is to stay and show you that you CAN trust me. I know a lot of people have hurt you, and [girlfriend's name], and I feel horrible that I couldn't be there to stop it. That's why I told you 'Thank You'. You were able to be there and help her when I wasn't"

she then said

"Ahh, i see, *nods lacing fingers together* so, then, you don't wish to hurt her?

"Oh never. May, I will never do anything to hurt [girlfriend's name]. She means so much to me, as do you. We both want what's best for [girlfriend's name] (:"

*end conversation*

I understand the importance of making a promise to my girlfriend, let alone, one of her alters. This is a woman that I intend to marry one day, and I want her to know that she has everything I have at her disposal. I'll give her everything just to see her smile.
May, I think is the shy one of the alters. She doesn't talk much, and when she does, it's quick and to the point. Maybe if I got to talk to her face-to-face this would be different.

Is there anything you think I should ask, or know, about May?

Treat her like any other person you're getting to know. Ask her anything: what her favorite color is, what she likes to do, what she likes to eat, what HER goals are (it's ok if she doesn't have her own goals, sometimes we do, sometimes we don't), how she's doing, what weather she likes/what her favorite season is, what she likes to wear, if she went to school/if she liked it/what she liked about it, anything about HER and only HER.
(Stay away from obviously sensitive questions, such as her romantic interests, what her past was like, what she thinks about the body's family, her sexual preferences, etc. If those are brought up, they should only be brought up by her- you probably know this already, though. You seem like a smart enough guy).

I know that this helped to deflate a lot of my anger and suspicions towards Mike, Cassandra's boyfriend, because he caught me off guard by asking questions about me, not about Cassandra. And he wanted to know about me, not about Cassandra, or why I was there, or why I did the things I did (I wasn't the best person to Cassandra or the others back in the day). And he never asked me to go away. And he said he wanted to interact with me, not Cassandra; and that he cared about me, not just Cassandra.

To be honest, Mike mainly caught me off guard not only because he asked me questions no one else ever had, but because I couldn't answer many of his questions easily. No one had ever asked me stuff like "what's my favorite color" before, so I'd never given it any thought. At first this kinda made me sulk at how much I couldn't easily answer, but then I took a new perspective of it and realized that I could take this opportunity to stop and think about such questions, and learn more about myself that I never thought to think of (hope that made sense).
Who knows, you could be helping them to learn more about themselves, past their purpose in the system, by asking them questions like that.

-KAT

Kat, thank you for giving those great ideas. My husband has mostly been comforting my alters (well, the majority of them) but I don't he's bothered to ask simple questions like that. Like NightFox819, my husband is kinda just learning as he goes. So I'm definitely going to give him your tip.

NightFox819, I told my husband about your post and he said as a fellow SO to someone with DID that he found it best to just go with the flow. And make sure you have a way to relax, cause at first my husband stressed out over it and it made him mentally exhausted, but once he just started going along with it he felt less stressed out about it. Though you seem to already be doing that, I thought I'd share my husband's thoughts with you regardless.

wronglesson wrote:Kat, thank you for giving those great ideas. My husband has mostly been comforting my alters (well, the majority of them) but I don't he's bothered to ask simple questions like that. Like NightFox819, my husband is kinda just learning as he goes. So I'm definitely going to give him your tip.

NightFox819, I told my husband about your post and he said as a fellow SO to someone with DID that he found it best to just go with the flow. And make sure you have a way to relax, cause at first my husband stressed out over it and it made him mentally exhausted, but once he just started going along with it he felt less stressed out about it. Though you seem to already be doing that, I thought I'd share my husband's thoughts with you regardless.

Thank you (:
It's very nice to hear from someone who is in the same situation as I am.
I must admit, when I met one of her alters, Kymera, everything was alright and I was really enjoying learning about her alters. Now I think I need to take it a little slower than I had hoped. She has no problem with letting them talk to me and letting them out around me, but I discovered that she has a male alter.
I have seen, countless times, on here that almost everyone has an alter that is the opposite sex. It's not that he's male, it's that he's straight and wants nothing to do with me in a romantic sense. He said he is the bisexual part of my girlfriend.
*Possible Trigger Warning* -- I'm not sure, but I felt the need to put that there.
He said my girlfriend wanted to get a sex change a while ago because she was sick of guys treating her badly, but Jasper, that's his name, talked her out of it. He said that a good guy would come around and treat her how she's meant to be treated.
I talked to him a little while after I got done talking with May.
I am a little stressed about it. However, it's learning experience, and knowledge can bring either one of two things; hardship and regret, or relaxation and understanding.
I may be privileged enough to get both. The hardship from finding out why her alters came around, and relaxation from understanding that there's nothing wrong with her.
I'm still attempting to get used to when I'm talking to her alter, that it's not her anymore. It's someone else. However it's still her. I look at her alters as a keep to her subconscious.
It's just a big adjustment, but I am doing it with ease.

-- Mon Nov 19, 2012 4:08 pm --

tomboy24 wrote:Treat her like any other person you're getting to know. Ask her anything: what her favorite color is, what she likes to do, what she likes to eat, what HER goals are (it's ok if she doesn't have her own goals, sometimes we do, sometimes we don't), how she's doing, what weather she likes/what her favorite season is, what she likes to wear, if she went to school/if she liked it/what she liked about it, anything about HER and only HER.
(Stay away from obviously sensitive questions, such as her romantic interests, what her past was like, what she thinks about the body's family, her sexual preferences, etc. If those are brought up, they should only be brought up by her- you probably know this already, though. You seem like a smart enough guy).

I know that this helped to deflate a lot of my anger and suspicions towards Mike, Cassandra's boyfriend, because he caught me off guard by asking questions about me, not about Cassandra. And he wanted to know about me, not about Cassandra, or why I was there, or why I did the things I did (I wasn't the best person to Cassandra or the others back in the day). And he never asked me to go away. And he said he wanted to interact with me, not Cassandra; and that he cared about me, not just Cassandra.

To be honest, Mike mainly caught me off guard not only because he asked me questions no one else ever had, but because I couldn't answer many of his questions easily. No one had ever asked me stuff like "what's my favorite color" before, so I'd never given it any thought. At first this kinda made me sulk at how much I couldn't easily answer, but then I took a new perspective of it and realized that I could take this opportunity to stop and think about such questions, and learn more about myself that I never thought to think of (hope that made sense).
Who knows, you could be helping them to learn more about themselves, past their purpose in the system, by asking them questions like that.

-KAT

Those are wonderful suggestions.
I have been doing some of those already. I asked them what they like to do in their spare time, I asked them to tell me a little bit about themselves, but when they felt reluctant, I just change the subject. I asked them what kind of music they like, how old are they.
The more I know about them, the more I see similarities in story my girlfriend used to write, a long time ago. Almost taking them directly from stories she had and making them real.

I care about all of my girlfriend's alters. They were there when I couldn't be. They protected her when she needed someone and everyone had left. I actually tell them thank you every time they are out. I've only met three, and those three know how appreciative I feel towards them. Nothing I could ever do for my girlfriend will ever match what they did for her when she needed someone the most.

What exactly is stressing you out? (Wasn't really clear to me, sorry).

On a relationship note with the male alter: Dallas is straight, and he and Cassandra's boyfriend, Mike, have actually become quite the "bros", especially since they're both into cars. They've also made a deal: Dallas can do anything with girls anytime, since it doesn't bother Mike to have "Cassandra" messing around with girls. Of course, he has to abide by the same rules we do on our breaks: safe sex, no lying to girls about being single, no trying to have a serious relationship, etc.

BUT everyone's different, and every relationship's different. As you go along, you might want to talk to Jasper about compromises you guys can make, if/when this issues comes up. Maybe he could have a "break" system like we have for the girl alters that are interested in other males. Once you two have built up trust between each other, and have set up guidelines/rules, he can have a certain period of time where he can mess around with girls. Again though, that's all up to you guys and your personal preferences as far as relationships go. (And it's not an issue I'd worry about for a while, anyway. But it came to my mind, so I thought I'd comment on it).

For now, I'd say you're doing pretty good going with the flow and taking it one step at a time. Keep it up, and don't stress yourself out worrying about too much.

-KAT

NightFox819 wrote:Thank you (:
It's very nice to hear from someone who is in the same situation as I am.
I must admit, when I met one of her alters, Kymera, everything was alright and I was really enjoying learning about her alters. Now I think I need to take it a little slower than I had hoped. She has no problem with letting them talk to me and letting them out around me, but I discovered that she has a male alter.
I have seen, countless times, on here that almost everyone has an alter that is the opposite sex. It's not that he's male, it's that he's straight and wants nothing to do with me in a romantic sense. He said he is the bisexual part of my girlfriend.
*Possible Trigger Warning* -- I'm not sure, but I felt the need to put that there.
He said my girlfriend wanted to get a sex change a while ago because she was sick of guys treating her badly, but Jasper, that's his name, talked her out of it. He said that a good guy would come around and treat her how she's meant to be treated.
I talked to him a little while after I got done talking with May.
I am a little stressed about it. However, it's learning experience, and knowledge can bring either one of two things; hardship and regret, or relaxation and understanding.
I may be privileged enough to get both. The hardship from finding out why her alters came around, and relaxation from understanding that there's nothing wrong with her.
I'm still attempting to get used to when I'm talking to her alter, that it's not her anymore. It's someone else. However it's still her. I look at her alters as a keep to her subconscious.
It's just a big adjustment, but I am doing it with ease.

I don't usually come on here, but somethin' about your reply made me want to. Jo's husband flipped when he met me. D@mn boy didn't know what to be thinking. Kept askin' if I was sure I had a d!ck. D@mn I know I'm in a woman's body but that don't mean I ain't got my own equipment. But after awhile he realized that he just got himself a drinking buddy. He also had to learn that just cause I looked like his wife, I wasn't, not entirely. And yeah, Jo wanted a d@mn sex change too a few years ago, before she realized all those masculine feelings she was feeling wasn't really her. Though she didn't know it was me until a couple weeks ago.

Gotta take it smoothly, boy. You've got a privilege meetin' your girl's alters. Since you get the option of meetin' them on a nice schedule, you get to take it as smoothly as you and your girl want. Jo's husband didn't get that, we all came out in a upheaval with Jo havin' no d@mn control at all.

Boy, just take it smooth like I said and you'll keep doin' a fine as you are now.

Michael