Girlfriend explained to me that she has Alters

Kat @tomboy24 wrote:Not everyone is up for a full-on, polyamorous relationship, which is why I suggested only letting him have flings or friends with benefits. Done correctly, things can still run smoothly that way, and it can be a functional compromise.

Thinking this can be settled by making a rule up front is one of the biggest mistakes people make when they try to have an open relationship. Very often what starts out as casual sex soon leads to very real feelings of profound attachment. And anyone who has DID already has major issues with attachment!

Look, as far as I know no one in my system ever even kissed or flirted with the man Alter 5 fell in love with, but now 2 years have passed and we continue to obsess about him. I can be with him in person for hours and feel no untoward feelings, everything is calm and quiet, and yet I know that later I am going to pay for it by experiencing hours, days, weeks of overwhelming feelings, most of them painful.

Una+ wrote:Thinking this can be settled by making a rule up front is one of the biggest mistakes people make when they try to have an open relationship. Very often what starts out as casual sex soon leads to very real feelings of profound attachment. And anyone who has DID already has major issues with attachment!

Look, Una+, I wasn't bashing your input or anything. I was simply stating a fact: Some people aren't up for a full-polyamorous relationship, and that's ok because there ARE other options.

Attachment is a COMMON issue, yes, but not always an issue, and not always in this context or situation. My suggestions come from compromises and things that have worked for our own system and relationship, but of course I realize everyone is different. All I'm doing is suggestions options that NightFox819 might not have thought about, or know about, and so he can think about ALL possible options and see what works for him.

This is also why I suggested there be NO serious relationships, so no true polyamory. If both the alter and the person involved are aware that there can't be any serious attachment, and they remember that, then it reduces the risk of an attachment forming, especially if you keep it to non-serious flings, and possibly friends-with-benefits situations (doesn't work for everyone, but IS possible and CAN work just fine).

I'm no stranger to attachment. I'm still in love with Cassandra's ex, Darren. And I realized I was still in love with him when I was on break myself and went to go see him again. Does it hurt? Yeah, but I'd rather take what I CAN have with him than have nothing at all. I know that eventually I'll move on from him, I can cope with not having the serious relationship with him that I want, and I'm fine with taking what I can get because it'd be worse to have nothing. Not everyone is like this, I understand, but for those who are, "break" periods can be a great compromise/system. (And you can always refine the guidelines to fit things you're comfortable with, such as "No flings with ex's", if that's something you're not comfortable with. I understand that what works in our system might not work for others, but it is/has been a successful solution to the monogamy problem/issue, so that is why I'm sharing it here as an option).
For those who'd rather have something instead of nothing, we find ways to deal with our attachment issues, we bite the bullet and accept it, and it still works just fine, everything still runs smoothly, and we at least get some of what we want instead of never getting any of what we want.

Again, I wasn't bashing your suggestion or anything. My options have been successful with our system, so they CAN be successful to others, which is why I was suggesting them here. They may or may not be right for NightFox819, but at least he's aware of his choices and all the variations of compromises he can make. He can find what works for him and his girlfriend. Not everyone has attachment issues, just like not everyone can be fully polyamorous. Just because my solutions don't work for your system doesn't mean they won't work for anyone else.

-KAT

Kat, I don't feel bashed by you and I am not bashing you either. Both of us are talking about some very big hairy complicated stuff, for the benefit (we hope) of someone who is just 18 years old.

My misunderstanding, then. I apologize.

We are indeed talking about some big stuff. But young age doesn't necessarily mean young maturity. If I didn't think he could handle my suggestions and ideas from how's he's posted, and how he's already handling a big situation, then I wouldn't suggest them. (As for if his girlfriend can handle it, that's for his judgement, and that's why communication is so important, especially when dealing with relationships and compromises).

It's good to be wary of attachment, so you do bring up a good point. I just wanted him to realize that not everyone has issues with attachment; that breaks and compromises can be successful; that there's more options that absolutes (such as full polyamory or monogamy); and how/why "something" can be better than "nothing" to alters. That's all.

-KAT

I just want to say I'm really thankful this topic of having a male alter who wouldn't be interested in the significant other. It actually made me broach the topic with my husband last night, because I knew it was something he hadn't thought about concerning Michael, unlike his concerns with Rachelle.

So even though the suggestions weren't directed at me, I appreciated reading them nonetheless. Especially since my husband did talk about it with Michael when he came out to enjoy some drinking buddy time and Michael said eventually he'll have an "itch to scratch" (but he also said he's not too worried about it and they could come to an agreement when the time comes, so this information will really come in handy for us when Michael decides he needs a fling.)

So, thanks again!

hello everyone, I must say, from reading over this that I am proud to say, I am the girlfriend. <3 I am very happy that He is accepting of me and everything. It was so hard to tell him, but you've all probably been there one way or another. I don't tell others due to the fact if I do not feel close to them I feel as though they would misjudge me. I told him due to our closeness and I felt I could trust him. There have been places in the past that I have told someone about mine alters and they threw everything we had away. I personally call them Sides. Alters is a good word for it as well. The best thing of all of this is that even some of my friends have them, the only sad thing is I had to due this all on my own at a young age. I thought I was crazy, I really did when I first started noticing I could remember doing something, or I would re-do something just to make sure I did do it. At first when I would notice them, I wish I was normal, but then, I took it back as soon as I had said it. This is me. This is who I am, and nothing can change that, I am grateful for them, I truly am. My life has been hard, but everyone I know has a life that is hard. Life hasn't been easy for anyone, if it was, we wouldn't learn anything.
When my Boyfriend told me about this site, & how helpful everyone was, I knew it was something I had to check out. Weather it was to help out someone or need someones advice, I knew it was something I need in my life. I am grateful for the fact there are people on here who understand what it's like, & even grateful for the ones that are slowly but surely going threw it. <3


I love everyone who has help my boyfriend with all of his questions and others, Thank you. <3 Have a great Thanksgiving ;D

Hi Tricia. Welcome to the DID Forum. I am so glad you feel safe to post here.

Welcome Tricia

This really is a great place to get and give support. I do hope you stay here if you feel it helps you

Good to see you here, Tricia. Glad we've been helpful to your boy. He seems like a pretty good kid.

-KAT


Hello and welcome, Tricia. This is a safe, supportive place, and I'm glad you're here now. Feel free to post whatever you are comfortable with, from questions to rants.

Here is a thread that might interest you. It is for beginners and veterans alike, containing resources websites and threads about common questions, experiences, and troubles: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100829.html

I hope this forum is a helpful and enjoyable place to you, and again, welcome.

~Rain

Be there for her. But know that at times it Will be so hard and you'll need a moment Yourself to process, just make sure she knows that you'll stay.
My boyfriend also just recently discovered about me, and he's also having a hard time but i know he's trying and i try to help him as well, it's something you need to go through if you want to be with her. Always keep in mind it isn't her fault and she can't help it and probably loves you so will also help you understand. But yeah, she's lucky you're so into it. I hope my boyfriend will do the same, stay and help....and well get to know the others. The alters are so important. Make sure all of them know you can be trusted.
Good luck