Girlfriend explained to me that she has Alters

tomboy24 wrote:What exactly is stressing you out? (Wasn't really clear to me, sorry).

On a relationship note with the male alter: Dallas is straight, and he and Cassandra's boyfriend, Mike, have actually become quite the "bros", especially since they're both into cars. They've also made a deal: Dallas can do anything with girls anytime, since it doesn't bother Mike to have "Cassandra" messing around with girls. Of course, he has to abide by the same rules we do on our breaks: safe sex, no lying to girls about being single, no trying to have a serious relationship, etc.

BUT everyone's different, and every relationship's different. As you go along, you might want to talk to Jasper about compromises you guys can make, if/when this issues comes up. Maybe he could have a "break" system like we have for the girl alters that are interested in other males. Once you two have built up trust between each other, and have set up guidelines/rules, he can have a certain period of time where he can mess around with girls. Again though, that's all up to you guys and your personal preferences as far as relationships go. (And it's not an issue I'd worry about for a while, anyway. But it came to my mind, so I thought I'd comment on it).

For now, I'd say you're doing pretty good going with the flow and taking it one step at a time. Keep it up, and don't stress yourself out worrying about too much.

-KAT

What's making me worry the most is that I'm a very monogamous person.
Even though Jasper is an alter, and is not truly my girlfriend, I still wouldn't feel right having him go out with other girls.

Ah I see.

There are usually problems with DID and monogamy, though. Especially if an alter is unhappy with the monogamous relationship another alter is in. Compromises must be made on both sides; absolutes rarely work out well with DID people, and can result in messy situations and rebellion.

Mike doesn't exactly like the idea of giving us breaks. But the alternative is that we get sick of it and force our way out and do what we want, when we want. So he'd rather give us breaks and freedoms to a reasonable extent than have us take our freedoms by force and cheat on him. With the breaks at least there's guidelines, there's nothing hidden, trust needs to be built up before we get that privilege, etc. With trying to force monogamy on us, there's no guidelines, there's rebellion, there's secrets, and we don't have to build up any trust because we're taking it by force anyway.

Again, I would talk to Jasper about his views on the subject when/if this issue arises. If he's content with agreeing to the monogamy, fine. But if not, compromises must be made, otherwise, it just won't work.

All alters are equal, and we all deserve equal rights and freedoms (to a reasonable extent). We don't like being trapped by host's decisions, especially when it comes to relationships if our opinions and interests differ. We'd rather have full freedom than compromise, but that would cause unhappiness to others in the system, chaos, and messy situations, so we compromise and adapt to the thinking of "Something is better than nothing".

I mean, put yourself in Jasper's shoes. How would you feel if you were stuck in a relationship that you didn't choose, or want, or have any interest in?
As one who'd rather be single and free, it feels pretty f*#king unfair. So, we do the best we can to try and make it as fair as we can and compromise.

-KAT

My girlfriend came to see me before work again this morning, and we had some time to talk about Jasper and his desire for a girlfriend.
I think after I had a good nights sleep, and talking to my girlfriend really helped too, I came to the decision that I just have to let him go and do what he wants. I only asked that I didn't know about it. If I were to text her and Jasper answered, he is to tell me what is going on at that time. It's not to be brought up in conversation, or anything like that. My girlfriend told me that she wouldn't approve of him being with someone else, but I told her that even if we worry about it, and try to change it, it'll happen no matter what we want.
She told me that she'd want to tell me because she doesn't like keeping anything from me, so I told her that she can tell me if she wants.
I did, however, tell her that I don't hold anything he does against her. She is the one I fell in love with and everyone else is along for the ride, and/or a bonus, if you will.
May and Kymera (actually, let me stop right here. It turns out that I've been pronouncing her name wrong this entire time. It's actually Kareena. (Kah-reen (like g'reen')-ah).) might develop feelings for me, and I have no problem with that.

The SO guide that I've been reading, which is very very helpful, suggested that I court them around just like I would my girlfriend. Which I plan on doing.

I realized that letting Jasper go and find someone won't be as hard as I think it is. Talking to my girlfriend about this is really helping.

I'm glad to hear you're finding your own way and what you are comfortable with No one can tell you what to be comfortable with, and I'm glad you know yourself well enough to know what is okay for you and not Best of luck!

Hi. You weren't talking to me before, you were talking to...*remembering*...Kat! That's probably why I hear um, her? voice now. (It's still a bit weird to me to say stuff other than "a voice" or "the voices" ). So I'm gonna type what she's saying.

Kat's voice: "Glad to hear progress has gone smoothly, and that you're finding this easier to adjust to. It definitely does help to just communicate with each other- don't ever stop having a sh*t ton of communication. It will help throughout your whole relationship. Congrats on making this progress, by the way.

One thing I wanted to comment on:

NightFox819 wrote:My girlfriend came to see me before work again this morning, and we had some time to talk about Jasper and his desire for a girlfriend.

It probably would NOT be a good idea for him to have an actual girlfriend, or an actual relationship with someone else. Because then you get into messy situations, havin' more the one person feel serious about the same person and sh*t like that- it's usually not pretty in my experience. Hence the word "compromise". Jasper probably won't be able to get an actual girlfriend, (unless one is miraculously ok with "him" having a boyfriend already, and it's somehow not serious at all), so he's going to have to compromise the same as you are. It'd be best for him to have only non-serious relationships, such as flings, one-night stands, or a friends-with-benefits type of deal with a girl he likes (maybe they have more than one fling, but either way, it's important that BOTH of them realize it CANNOT be a serious relationship). It'd also be best for him to be honest if a girl asks if "he's" single and such. Again, he doesn't have to explain or share about the DID, but he should be honest to a girl he's interested in about how it can't be serious and how it's ok despite not actually being single (the fact that he's in a girl's body will help this to be easier, actually. Many girls understand that boyfriends don't mind their girlfriends exploring a bit, or even being full-out bi, so him being honest won't keep him from finding someone to be with. There's also girls who are perfectly fine with non-serious relationships. So despite the few "restrictions", Jasper shouldn't have much of a problem finding what he's looking for, at least for the most part).

You're definitely doing a great job, taking this one step at a time and all. I just wanted to caution you about the whole "letting alters have actual other relationships" thing, because like I said, that can get pretty messy, and it can turn into quite the cluster f*#k. At the very least, if he finds someone who can have a relationship WITHOUT it being serious (as in, "he" can break it off and there won't be any drama or sh*t like that), he should definitely still be honest about not actually being single and such. 'Cause otherwise, you're kinda playing with fire, risking the girl discovering the truth on her own and then being hurt and such.

Otherwise- keep up the good work."

Guess that's all "she" wanted to say. I'm glad things are working out well between you and your girlfriend!

~Kyra

tomboy24 wrote:Hi. You weren't talking to me before, you were talking to...*remembering*...Kat! That's probably why I hear um, her? voice now. (It's still a bit weird to me to say stuff other than "a voice" or "the voices" ). So I'm gonna type what she's saying.

Kat's voice: "Glad to hear progress has gone smoothly, and that you're finding this easier to adjust to. It definitely does help to just communicate with each other- don't ever stop having a sh*t ton of communication. It will help throughout your whole relationship. Congrats on making this progress, by the way.

One thing I wanted to comment on:

NightFox819 wrote:My girlfriend came to see me before work again this morning, and we had some time to talk about Jasper and his desire for a girlfriend.

It probably would NOT be a good idea for him to have an actual girlfriend, or an actual relationship with someone else. Because then you get into messy situations, havin' more the one person feel serious about the same person and sh*t like that- it's usually not pretty in my experience. Hence the word "compromise". Jasper probably won't be able to get an actual girlfriend, (unless one is miraculously ok with "him" having a boyfriend already, and it's somehow not serious at all), so he's going to have to compromise the same as you are. It'd be best for him to have only non-serious relationships, such as flings, one-night stands, or a friends-with-benefits type of deal with a girl he likes (maybe they have more than one fling, but either way, it's important that BOTH of them realize it CANNOT be a serious relationship). It'd also be best for him to be honest if a girl asks if "he's" single and such. Again, he doesn't have to explain or share about the DID, but he should be honest to a girl he's interested in about how it can't be serious and how it's ok despite not actually being single (the fact that he's in a girl's body will help this to be easier, actually. Many girls understand that boyfriends don't mind their girlfriends exploring a bit, or even being full-out bi, so him being honest won't keep him from finding someone to be with. There's also girls who are perfectly fine with non-serious relationships. So despite the few "restrictions", Jasper shouldn't have much of a problem finding what he's looking for, at least for the most part).

You're definitely doing a great job, taking this one step at a time and all. I just wanted to caution you about the whole "letting alters have actual other relationships" thing, because like I said, that can get pretty messy, and it can turn into quite the cluster f*#k. At the very least, if he finds someone who can have a relationship WITHOUT it being serious (as in, "he" can break it off and there won't be any drama or sh*t like that), he should definitely still be honest about not actually being single and such. 'Cause otherwise, you're kinda playing with fire, risking the girl discovering the truth on her own and then being hurt and such.

Otherwise- keep up the good work."

Guess that's all "she" wanted to say. I'm glad things are working out well between you and your girlfriend!

~Kyra

I'll have to talk to Jasper about that then.
I asked him about it last night and he said that he is interesting in one, but he puts my girlfriend's needs above his wants.
I know it will come up one day, and when it does, I'm going to be prepared for it. Jasper and I get along just well right now, and I hope to keep it that way.

NightFox819 wrote:I realized that letting Jasper go and find someone won't be as hard as I think it is. Talking to my girlfriend about this is really helping.

It can be done, and done well, but there are some pitfalls. Done well, it falls under the broad heading of ethical non-monogamy and the more narrow heading polyamory. Done badly, it is nothing more than being emotionally unavailable and unfaithful. Naturally, there are books and websites about polyamory.

Una+ wrote:Done well, it falls under the broad heading of ethical non-monogamy and the more narrow heading polyamory

That is the only part that bothers me sometimes. I have always been a very monogamous person, and it's hard to make that transition.
I do feel, however, that if I get to know Jasper a little more, then we can establish a lot more trust. We already have some, but there needs to be more before I can feel comfortable with all this.

Someone suggested that I don't allow Jasper to have an actually girlfriend, but allow flings and such. I can be alright with that, but it will take some getting use to.

I know there is going to be a lot of emotional baggage on my end. (With not asking about it while knowing it's going on, and with learning to have to share my girlfriend with someone else. Even though it's not my girlfriend.)
It's very hard for me to understand. However, I will understand one day.

I do not know if this will work for you, but in our system we are allowed to love who we want, so long as we do not consummate the relationship.
I struggle with this; Lola is engaged to a lovely man, who is sometimes my boyfriend, but I am violently against monogamy.
I think love should be shared, and there is no harm in acting on this love with many people.
But I have accepted it would hurt him to act this way, and it would upset Lola.
I still have many, many loves to kiss, cuddle, and adore.
Though I can not be one with them in my way, I still am blessed with their love.
Also, there are ways to connect that are not physical, and I like these all the more.
The soon-husband accepts it because to deny it would be to deny my heart.
Sometimes this compromise feels as a curse, but often I do not have problems with it.
In Light,
Linn

I hear Kat again! Man, I'm getting better at this.

Kat's voice: "Not everyone is up for a full-on, polyamorous relationship, which is why I suggested only letting him have flings or friends with benefits. Done correctly, things can still run smoothly that way, and it can be a functional compromise.

Would it help you to feel better if you worked out time periods that Jasper can have his freedom instead of all the time? That's one thing Mike did to help him feel better, which is why we have the "anywhere from one week to 3 months" break periods. Maybe something similar to that would make it a bit easier to adjust to?
"Break" periods are a good idea to at least start with, even if you don't stay with them. They're a privilege that must be earned by earning trust, and you earn trust by proving you can follow the rules and be "good" when you're supposed to be. Yes, every alter deserves freedoms to a reasonable extent, but this type of compromise/system helps to build initial trust that they won't abuse the freedom or anything like that. (Not saying that Jasper would, but it's still a good way to build trust at first).
Once the trust is earned and the "break" periods have been successful, then it's a bit easier to start thinking about allowing him freedom whenever, because he's already proven that he won't abuse that freedom or not follow any guidelines, or anything like that.

Obviously, this will be discussed more as the time comes. But having guidelines for Jasper's freedom could help how you feel about the situation as a whole as well. Guidelines such as: Being honest about not actually being single; having safe sex; telling either you or your girlfriend about ANY new interests, that way your girlfriend (or another alter) can be aware and maybe even approve or disapprove, and that will also help there to be no true strangers or anything like that; etc. That way, even though you won't know much about what's going on, you'll at least know of the guidelines you've talked about, agreed upon, and that he's following.


Again, you're doing great taking this one step at a time. And you're right, one day you will understand better. It all just takes some time and adjustment."

~Kyra