FULL DETAILS on How to Stop Lying

TIPS AND TOOLS FOR HOW TO STOP LYING FOR THOSE READY TO RECOVER FROM LYING ADDICITON

1. GET STILL AND THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK

Learn to not open your mouth until you consciously and deliberately think about what you are going to say. Taking time to think will serve you well. This breaks the compulsive nature of lying. You start to gain control back.

Be as still and present as you can be. Deep breathe from your abdomen with slow breaths imagining your lungs are in your stomach. This helps with panic and nerves and prevents fear from entering the equation (which is usually the root cause of all lies.) You may stutter and stumble more when first stopping lying as you will be paying more attention to not lying but this is okay, very normal and will pass.

In time there will be more inner ease as you detoxify from the pleasure chemical dopamine you have been addicted to and adjust to life without lies. All of this prevents lies from leaving your mouth.

Regaining control over what comes out of your mouth is the easiest way not to lie but it will be far from easy. Expect that. Give yourself time.

Sometimes shutting up very quick is the only way not to lie.

Sometimes not speaking for long periods is the only way not to lie too.

If you fear you are vulnerable to lying on any given day protect yourself with silence. Wait for your self esteem to come back up and only then allow yourself to speak. You will begin to learn where your safety margins are.

When someone asks you something, take a brief pause before answering and get into the habit of telling yourself not to lie before you speak. Some lying addicts find the affirmation “honesty is the best policy” incredibly useful before they utter a single word.

Pausing as you speak is also very useful as is speaking slower than you would do
normally to “filter” your words before you speak to people. Really think about what
the real answer is to the question you are being asked or the thing is you are discussing.

If you are uncomfortable answering truthfully, say you are not comfortable. You don’t have to give any explanations. Your only obligation is to truth whosever feathers you ruffle in the process…

Loved ones may interpret your stumbling as you trying to hide lies. Ride the storm of that. They are as traumatized as you are by having lived in the twilight zone for so long and will settle down to inner peace in time the more they witness truth from you.

Give them their moment of stumbling. They’ve paid their dues as much as you have. They deserve and have earnt their moments of imperfection.

Each time you deflect the impulse to lie and speak the truth it is a huge victory and a massive accomplishment. You start to realize that you are not the failure your lower vibration addiction has had you believe you are.

Telling the truth then becomes less and less frightening over time.

2. IMMEDIATELY BACKTRACK IF YOU LIE

Laura O (founder of Liars Anonymous) said that after 5 years in recovery in a 12 step program she “leads a pretty honest life with the occasional slip”. When she does relapse with a lie she immediately corrects herself and admits to having lied to the person she is speaking to.

Laura O also speaks of a distinctive moment before she lied where her conscious choice was to not be honest and instead to say what she knew would keep her self image safe. She said this was because she did not feel safe about how the other person would react and that they may potentially threaten who she was to her core… “A very scary place” Laura O admits. For Laura O, recovery has been all about trying to “drill down to that exact moment of where I make that choice and learning to be consciously aware so that I can make a better choice”.

Admitting a lie immediately increases self esteem and credibility. It also helps trust to begin to be rebuilt too. Doing this takes strength and courage as you take the risk of looking a fool but is well worth it for the benefits it brings to yourself and your relationships. Remembering that lying is an addiction not a moral issue will help you not judge yourself too for having the slip. Explain to the person that lying is an addiction over which you are often powerless.

Your ego may erupt as you consider backtracking on a lie and tell you that you are too far into a lie to backtrack now. Just know that the more time it takes for you to backtrack, the more damage will be done to your self esteem and the deeper you will go back into addiction.

The ego is simply the protector for low self esteem (and was born in the human psyche for this very reason) and has its place but in recovery it has to be watched like a hawk. It may lead you down false paths. Humility may seem the weaker ally but it is
the stronger in the long run and will always lead you to self love.

If you are in the middle of telling a lie stop yourself from finishing saying the lie – in mid sentence if you have to. Again, you may look foolish but these are simply the growing pains of recovery. View it like this… if you lie and don’t backtrack, the long term shame you will feel for having lied will far outweigh any temporary foolishness you feel at coming clean in those moments. And if people get annoyed with you at that moment? Breathe deep and ride the storm… Nothing awful will happen to you. The roof will not fall in. You are safe.

The person’s annoyance is simply their fear on show. Anger is masked fear just as depression is stuffed anger. The person is simply frightened of something that has been triggered in them because of the lie. Their anger will pass.

Give loved ones their moment of fear.

See it for what it is. They fear the roof falling in just as much as you do but just for different reasons.

Every lie you backtrack on may create temporary annoyance in a person but will, at the same time, tell them you mean business about recovering from lying addiction and will go a long way to them trusting you in the long term.

Try not to ever justify your lie. Loved ones will smell your insincerity a mile off and this will make them pull up their shutters again.

Once you tell people you are a lying addict, your credibility will be less than zero in the beginning of your recovery. It will take time for trust to be regained. By admitting your lies immediately will begin the process of making people more comfortable with you again.

Developing any new positive behavior is always difficult at first. The brain needs to be rewired and needs time to do it. The neurons in the brain associated with lying are like solid and well used highways and motorways. Telling the truth can feel like you are going via the back roads which are full of cobbles and potholes. But over time, telling the truth will create new neurons which become like new motorways and highways and telling lies will feel like you are going via the back roads.

We become what we practice every day.

During those times that you don’t even a notice a lie until later, simply backtrack and admit to it as soon as you realize. It is not about perfection. It is about progress and the willingness to recover.

If your lie warrants a consequence of some description, take it on the chin and move on. It may sting for a while but you’ll survive.

If you have simply not been able to backtrack after lies, make a note of the lies and have the resolve to tell one person all the lies you told at the end of each day. This cleans the slate and keeps the lower vibration energy monkey off your back.

A little feeling happens right before a lie. This is the thrill of what the lie will give you – the payoff etc. Recognize it consciously and make a choice to lie or tell the truth. You have the time. Not much time but just enough to choose self love or self hate.

You are more likely to be compulsive with your lies if you are on a “lying bender” and hating yourself every moment of every day as this is the food source of the lower vibration addiction energy. But if you are choosing a path of self love and recovery, the less compulsive your lying will be as you are living in a higher vibration which the lower vibration cannot thrive in.

3. JOURNAL ABOUT YOUR LIES

Every lie you tell, write it down in a journal or in a temporary notebook that you carry with you at all times that you then transfer to your journal at a later date. Write about what was going on with you before you lied. How were you feeling? Were you insecure? Needy? Vulnerable? In need of attention? Did you feel “less than” everyone else? Etc. Patterns will soon emerge as to the individual reasons for why you lie. With this awareness will come self empowerment as you begin to understand yourself and what makes you tick in relation to your lying addiction.

Once you get some background awareness of the reasons for each lie you tell and have written about your feelings surrounding the lie, and how you could have avoided telling the lie, forgive yourself, remember that lying is an addiction and not a moral issue and then file it away in your psyche.

Then move on.

If you stay in self hate, the lower vibration energy which is the blood stream of your lying addiction (and all addictions) will take hold and you will end up lying more. The lower vibration energy needs self disgust, self hatred and shame to thrive. Starve it with self love and self acceptance. It will soon quieten down.

4. TAKE ALL LIES SERIOUSLY

Don’t allow yourself to get away with lying about even the most insignificant things. Little lies do as much damage to the self esteem as big lies so take all of your lies seriously. Admit to them immediately. Never let yourself get away with lying.

One lying addict said “it’s about always needing to remember that I don’t get to decide what is important for me to be truthful about.”

This will be difficult in the beginning. Detoxing from the drug dopamine and the lying way of life will no walk in the park.

Be prepared for that.

You will be living life without the protective skin lying gave you and the discomfort of that will be extreme at times. Ride each storm… It will ease over time. Each truth you tell will be like a healing balm on your raw skin and will heal you over time. But for a while, yes, you will be completely exposed and vulnerable without your lies. There’s just no way around this.

The only way out is through.

The truth may be difficult for a moment but a lie turns into another lie and then you will be lost again to fear and the lower vibration energy that feeds addiction. This is the equivalent to an alcoholic taking the first drink after being sober for a while and then not being able to stop drinking as the first drink has set off the compulsion and addiction again.

It is the first unacknowledged lie that does the damage. Whereas if you admit to the lie immediately – however big or small the lie – it stops that lower vibration energy in its tracks before it can start working on chewing you up and spitting you out with it’s venomous bullying.

You will need to practice having patience with yourself as you navigate the tricky terrain of early recovery. Yes it is easier to tell a lie than to admit to something and face consequences but you know it will never stop there… It will snowball out of control unless you stop it from rolling in the first place.

It will be difficult at first to break the fight or flight response you feel when in situations where you would usually make something up but if you persevere and walk though the discomfort, this will help create new healthier neurons of honest behavior in the brain.

Each small step of truthfulness though will slowly but certainly help you gain strength and self esteem which will allow you to be the real you…

5. DON’T REPLACE EXAGGERATING WITH LYING

Be on constant alert for slipping into exaggerating as a replacement for lying. This can be compared to replacing heroin with methadone. Both are still drugs and both will affect the self esteem.

Exaggeration is a slippery slope back to full blown daily lying.

Exaggerating needs to have a skull and cross bones on it in your mind as much as lying does as something to stay well clear of.

It’s like an alcoholic having a shandy (a small amount of alcohol mixed with lemonade) and thinking it is safe to drink. It may be watered down but it is still poison to the alcoholic.

6. MAKE THE CONSCIOUS DECISION TO STOP LYING

Make a conscious decision as to whether or not you want to recover from lying addiction.

Make a choice about whether you are in or out of recovery or not and stick to it.

Being in recovery does not mean never lying again. It simply means you intend to have both feet in the camp of “having a go” - not in being perfect.

If you are not yet ready to recover, that’s fine. Be honest with yourself about your not being ready. Just don’t set yourself up to fail. If you do, the lower vibration energy of the addiction will chew you up and spit you out. It is very cunning and feeds on uncertainty which will drive you deeper into your addiction.

When you are ready to recover, you don’t have to be a “dancing through the tulips” type of ready, just a knowing that you are done with destroying your life through lies. No-one comes into recovery “happy” to be there in the literal sense. They usually come to recovery with sores of their knees from having fallen so much and are just desperate for the chance of another way to live.

7. TAKE IT ONE MOMENT AT A TIME

Learn to stay in the present. Setting goals too far ahead encourages living in a time that isn’t here yet and will never be here. There is only the “NOW”. There is never “later”.

Tell one truth at a time.

That’s all it takes.

You tell one truth at a time, one word at a time, one moment at a time, one conversation at a time, one person at a time and one day at a time.

Never say to yourself or anyone else that you are stopping lying for life. That is too much for the psyche to endure and cope with and you will crumble under the pressure of that. Stay in the moment as much as possible and don’t lie only for that moment.

There will be something very powerful about saying to yourself (or writing) “I did not lie for five minutes or a full hour (etc) today.”

Be kind to yourself.

Your past is to be learnt from but not stared at repeatedly. Don’t look back too much once you have cleaned up the messes left behind in the wake of your lying addiction unless there is a good reason to do so. The past is a dangerous place when the lower vibration is on the war path. It will chew you up and spit you out and will do it through the guilt and shame you have carried for years.

Admit you have a lying addiction problem on a daily basis and address it on a daily basis. This will help create new neurons in your brain that will be part of the foundation for your recovery.

QUICK TIPS

The following are suggestions only. Some or none may feel right for you. Aim to suspend your doubts and give those that resonate with you a try. Ignore those that don’t. What works for one person will not work for another.

1. Never tell yourself you are “giving up” lying. To “give up” something is to be deprived of that thing and can lead to wanting that thing even more. Instead, tell yourself you are “stopping” lying instead.

2. Try weaning yourself off lying by telling one lie then one truth then one lie then one truth etc.

3. In addition to your resolve to not lie, also proactively resolve to not create any more messes that will encourage lying.

4. Nothing makes it easier to not lie than when everyone around you knows you are a lying addict and to scrutinize your words. Tell them. Tell them you are a lying addict. Tell them it is a disease not a moral issue. If you feel unsafe with somebody who may harm you if you were to tell them, trust yourself enough to have discernment and tell them nothing. You know who can be trusted and who can’t.

5. Have people hold you accountable for your lies. Sometimes you may not know you have lied until later so accountability balances that out.

6. Start experimenting with being honest with small things and build up to the bigger things.

7. Think ahead of time when you are more likely to lie. Think about your lying patterns and consciously pre-empt yourself. If you always lie to the local shop keeper for example, anticipate this and prepare yourself for the discomfort of telling the truth to the shopkeeper or of saying nothing. Anticipate these types of moments. Or if you feel too vulnerable on any given day, don’t go into that particular shop as the person is a trigger for you.

8. Use the acronym H.A.L.T. as a guide for relapse prevention. It stands for “Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired.” Addicts are more likely to be more vulnerable to their addiction when they are in any of these four states.

9. Pay extra attention to your words when you are anxious or excited as you are more likely to lie in either state. If you feel becoming either, BREATHE SLOWLY AND DEEPLY FROM YOUR STOMACH.

10. Give yourself mini goals each day or each hour to not lie. Make the goals realistic for where you are at.

11. Buy a wall calendar. On days you don’t lie, color the day in blue. On the days you lie color the day in red. This way you can view your progress better. Alternatively, buy a “page a day” diary calendar. Each hour you are honest, color blue, each hour you lie color red. As time goes on, you will see patterns as well as growth. For instance, you may lie more in work than at home as co-workers, for instance, may not be aware that you are a lying addict. Once you see the pattern, consciously decide to address it head on.

12. When you feel you are desperate to lie, do something to distract yourself like cleaning for example. It takes the edge off the urge to relapse.

13. List 3 positive traits or behaviors about yourself daily. For example if you were kind to someone that day include that. The more your self esteem rises the less likely you are to lie.

14. List 3 things you are grateful for each day. The more you are in the vibration of abundance, the less likely you are to feel the need to lie as lying is a lower vibration act. It’s hard to be grateful and negative at the same time.

15. It is very difficult to remove a negative thought or habit without replacing it with a positive one. Nature hates a void. Consciously choose new positive thoughts and habits.

16. Develop goals and hobbies that define who you authentically are as opposed to who everybody else likes, wants or needs you to be.

17. Get into the habit of finding things you do well and acknowledge them to yourself regularly.

18. Write a list of things you are great at and understand and embrace your positive qualities because your self esteem is totally intertwined with your lying addiction. Bring up your self esteem and the lies slowly leave your life.

19. Use self esteem or positive thinking recordings on an ipod/ MP3 player. Listen to them every day.

20. To get better acquainted with the real authentic you, interview yourself either with a mic or written down. What is your favorite color? What are your interests? Likes? Dislikes? Favorite foods? Favorite movie? Favorite teacher at school? Favorite person? Why? Go deep. Do this every day for as long as it takes to find the real person hidden underneath all the lies. Once you find the person, liberate him or her slowly but surely. Know that after all these years, it is only you keeping that person in prison now. No-one else. Write down a full description of who you are without and underneath the lies. See what qualities etc you have. When you are done and are as comfortable as you can be with it, give it to a loved one and introduce yourself…

21. Each day you are lie-free, write in your journal at the end of each of those days what you learnt that day about your addiction and yourself. The more self aware you become about your own personal experience of lying the more armed you will be for when you are next tempted to lie.

22. Remember that you can detoxify your brain fairly quickly from dopamine (the pleasure chemical associated with addiction) but it takes a lifetime to release the mental dependence. The urge to lie when your back is up the wall may never leave you. As addicts, you are hard wired to default to addiction when the going gets tough. Accept that. All addicts have the same faulty wiring. Some just have it more than others.

23. If you are really struggling to tell the truth, accept that as much as you can but have a written account of the real you and your truth somewhere so you are staying in reality at the same time which will dig you deeper into your recovery. Also, focus more on your feelings when you write too as opposed to the details of your life when you journal. This is to prevent you from being tempted to lie in the journal.

24. If you are really struggling to tell the truth, have another journal for your loved ones which could act as a resource for them for the future so they know the real you.

25. If you are simply unable to backtrack on a lie verbally straight away, have another way of admitting that something you just said was a lie. This could be something like pulling your ear. Ensure you have an agreement with the other person that pulling your ear means you are not capable of speaking about the lie at that time and for them not to question you at that specific moment. Have them simply touch your arm instead in acknowledgment of the lie and your courage. When you care able, discuss the lie with the person.

26. If you are simply unable to verbally backtrack on lies write the lie down on a piece of paper and give it to the person you lied to. Do this more with loved ones than non-loved ones to keep your newly recovering fragile psyche intact. Loved ones are less likely to shame you once they understand that lying is an addiction.

27. Strive to empathize with those you are lying to. Put yourself in their shoes and imagine how you would feel if you was them.

28. Don’t rush your recovery. There is a slogan in the recovery movement… “Easy does it but do it”. Recovery is a marathon not a sprint. Don’t get ahead of yourself by going too fast. You could be setting yourself up to fail. Your subconscious needs to adapt to the changes you are making. Give it time to get re-programmed with your new healthier behaviors.

29. Don’t start rolling backwards either. The only real direction, the only life giving, life saving direction is forward.

30. Get a mic and record stuff into your computer (use “Audacity” software. It is free) or phone etc. Play 2 parts – you and another person. First play the other person’s part. Record the kind of thing that person would say. Play it back and answer yourself. See if you are still lying to the recording. Stop the recording. Replay it. See if you can slowly start to tell the truth to the recording. Practice this often. Very slowly, step by step, you will learn to start telling the truth.

31. Practice simply listening instead of talking. When you are not thinking about what you are going to say next all the time, you can start becoming involved in observing the fascinating nature of real life. Spending time in nature too will ground you to what is real.

32. Set small goals. Achieve them. Set bigger goals. Achieve them. This will do wonders for your self esteem and move you away from the lower vibration of addiction.

33. When people start swapping anecdotes in your company, bite your tongue or walk away. No-one wants to hear how wonderful you are – even if you are. Most people are simply just obsessed with themselves. They want to hear their voice only.

34. Realize that 90% of everything people say is about stuff which doesn’t matter and of no consequence to the grander scheme of things. Make the decision to release your need to add to the froth floating around everywhere on this planet distracting us all from what is really important in life.

35. Keep it simple from here on in. Don’t over complicate your life any more. Live your life one day at a time.

36. Have a cue card to use in situations when you could respond with a lie too quickly. The card could say… 1. “Stop and Think” 2. “Own Your Behavior” 3. “Tell the Truth”. Stopping and thinking will provide you with some time to NOT create a lie and think of the consequences of telling the potential lie. It may seem odd that you won’t answer straight away but it is better than answering with a lie.

37. If you are toying with the idea of lying (as opposed to lying compulsively), think the lie through to the end - consequences wise. In the recovery movement, they talk about “picking up the phone before picking up the drug”. Use the same concept with lying. Speak to a trusted someone before you lie and this usually dissipates the desire to lie. You will find that there are unconscious emotions or fears going on in you that need addressing and this is the reason for your obsession in that moment to escape into your lying drug. Face them feelings in a healthy way and the desire to escape into lies will pass.

38. Listen to your body more. It has an intelligence all its own and speaks to you all the time. It will warn you when you are about to lie through things like sweaty palms, a racing heart, that excited feeling you get before a lie, butterflies in the stomach or a guilty feeling etc. Respect your body’s warning signals. Slow down. Examine your thoughts. Put a tool in place to stop yourself from lying. Think through the worst case scenario of lying and the best case scenario of not lying.

39. Learn everything you can about releasing the need to be perfect. Perfectionism will kill a lying addict in the end unless measures are taken to accept that you are, like the rest of us, imperfect. Expect to feel extremely uncomfortable as you release this behavior from your life. Ride the storm of that discomfort. It will pass.

40. Much of your behavior is routine. Consciously interrupt that routine. Still yourself and listen to your heart, mind and body. Ask yourself several times a day “what am I feeling?” Listen for the answers. Act on the answers. Decide to take better care of you. Be your own saviour.

41. Don’t isolate. Reach out and allow trusted others in. Secrets will keep you sick. The lower vibration energy loves secrets. It has a field day with them.

42. Practicing opposites is the way to break unhealthy habits and patterns. Fake it ‘til you make it. In the recovery movement they call it “acting as if”. After a time, your subconscious will not know the difference and you will become what you have been practicing. The subconscious has no opinion either way and will simply give you what you have been feeding it.

Copyright © 2012 Billi Caine

This work is registered with the UK Copyright Service and is protected under UK and International Law. All Rights Reserved.

"Never let yourself get away with lying." ... This is essential for me. Thanks.

That was great. Thank you for posting.

Im a very new member. I usually dont finish things that i start and or i will not follow through with what i said that i was going to do. I have been with my girlfriend for about 14 months and she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have had a very rough life and have used that as an example as to why im the way that i am. I blame everyone else for my issues rather than address them and fix them. My biggest issue is that i always lie. I would not say that i am a compulsive liar but i lie becasue im afraid of outcomes. I dont want to hurt anyone so i tell them what they want to hear. I am addicted to lying for sure but have never tried to fix it. I always want to take the easy way out. My relationship is suffering from this and i want to pertend that everything is okay when it is not. I can save my relationship if i am honest. I want to save the relationship but i struggle with being honest. It is more of being honest about things that do not matter and that is how i usually justify it. I just moved in with my gf and all that she is asked of me si that i be honest and something so simple i do not do.

I am ready to start the road to recovery and give my girlfriend the boyfriend that she deserves and work on my dishonesty.

Joining this forum and reading this article has helped me in so many ways. Im not going ot say that im never going to lie again but i am going to set small goals in regards to lying and start to change my behavior.

Things ive lied to my gf about are:

how serious my diabetes is-ive tried to downplay how serious the disease is becasue im 27
how bad my financial situation is-im embarrased so i tell lies to make myself seem better
what my plans are in general-i do things then only inform my gf about them when i need help
my feelings about every and anything-i usually just say what she wants to hear or what i think will not cause an argument even though she tells me to just be honest.
i also lie by omission-i leave out things on purposed that could reveal any type of truth.

With all of that said maybe i am a compulsive liar; however im diagnosed i know that in order to achieve the things i want in life i have to start being honest.


I look forward to being able to say that im an honesty person...

Welcome to the forum and welcome to Recovery PK. I'm so glad you found the post helpful.

If you think of what is wrong with you as being an addiction, all self judgement is taken out of it and a person can then begin to embrace their addiction to lying knowing it is not a moral issue. In case you haven't read the 2 other posts I put up about what lying addiction is and why lying addicts lie, here they are. They will help you understand yourself and your addiction better if indeed you decide you are a lying addict...

compulsive-lying/topic103034.html

compulsive-lying/topic115788.html

All of us recovering from an addiction (or addictions) of ANY sort can only say we intend being clean of that addiction for this day only. There is no cure for addiction but there is treatment and that involves living from the side of our selves that is about being more not less - our higher self so to speak. If we do the next right thing every moment of every day (where possible), we can begin to get recovery and stay clean of our addictions.

Big Hug,
Billi

Thank you for you reply.

I read through Tiago's posts and it seems as if i was just reading a diary to my life. I am currently in a relationship that started out on lies and my GF has confronted me on them and i have lied again, then come clean and i am in a vicious cycle of lying. I also had a drug "addiction" that i picked up from college that took me several times to stop. It wasn't until i really wanted to that i have been able to remain clean. It was a marijuana habit. Again it was my GF that was able to help me realize my issues with that and stop that. It has been about 4 months and i am still clean. I have other issues like not following through and just overall not being a responsible adult.

As for the lying i am, and have always been a people pleaser, and I know that comes from my background and that is how i get into a lot of the situations that I am in. If my GF asks me a question i would rather tell her what she wants to hear or what i know is right rather than the truth. She says that when i lie to her i am disrespecting her by not being honest. I tell her i love her all of the time but it is this one thing that gets in the way of our relationship. We have just moved in together and instead of things being nice and peachy thingsare very dicey and i know that my fear of the worst is what makes me lie. This is the first time that i am going to make an honest effort to be honest.

I have just now tried to make a conscious effort to be as honest as possible by writing down any lie or am dishonest. I want to try to write a few times a week here just to get how I'm felling out because i seem to not be able to express myself elsewhere.

Thanks for the links. I'm going to go through them later today when i get home and see what the outcomes are.

Hi PK...
Good to see you back onto the forum. Your story is text book lying addiction. Maybe you could do what Tiago does and have your very own thread/ diary so you can record, observe and monitor your own progress.

I had a marijuana addiction once too. It led me to a lock ward with psychosis 18 years ago after just 5 years of smoking it. I've not touched the stuff since but it's a tough addiction to conquer. Good for you for being clean of the junk for 4 months.

This weekend has hit me hard and I've come real close to losing the one real person who has held a place in the whole of my heart, looking through the post on how to stop lying has hit home on a lot of things. I lied about my past to my partner of just under 9 months. This weekend the past has come and hit me like the whole world has come crashing down on me. i had lied and lied about a relationship and ego took hold of me and stopped me backtracking until saturday when i just couldn't hold back no more, i told her about it and nearly lost my true love, to make it worst i told what i thought was just a little lie yesterday when we was getting back on track and this morning it's come up on me, it's my real turning point that has truly opened my eyes to just how much of a liar i am. I've put my girl through hell this weekend and we are no sitting on a break while i start to recover and learn to be the true honest loving caring man she thought i was for these past 9 months. It's scaring me to death the thought of losing her to another man and i know this recovery process has to be done for myself but this is just fueling my want for open honesty and no more lying. I've tried to find reason after reason for why i lied and the only reason i know is the gods honest truth is I AM A LIAR and it makes me feel sick the fact that i could do this much destruction and hurt my girl to the point if i can't change and she can't see any progress she'll end it. i want to stop and i know it may seem cheeky but i have asked her for her help to be there for me to talk to and to be honest with her as i trust her with my life and want to earn that trust back and be a better person and get on with my life without the fear of if anything is going to come up and bite me and it does completely ruin everything. She is such an amazing girl to have gone through all this pain and terror and still wants to be able to be with me if i can recover which i'm positively thinking YES I CAN. My rant and letting things out and getting it on my chest over. thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this.

I am a compulsive liar. I recently broke up with a guy that I truly loved because of my lies. He realized I had a major problem and sought out therapy for me to get help. We went to the initial consultation together however, the therapy never continued due to financial constraints. He has tried to deal with my lies throughout our relationship and even tried different ways himself of communicating with me to prevent me from lying to him. Most of the lies I tell consists of my contact with my ex husband with whom I have kids with.I lie about other things too big and small, but my communicating with my ex is the major issue. He prefers our communication between my ex and I to be very minimal or not at all unless he is present. He says it is ok for me to speak with my ex and that he understands the need to. When I do talk to my ex it usually entails situations with the children, we share custody. I do not know why I have never been able to just tell him the truth? I have nothing to hide. We have had major arguments in the past about talking to my ex. I often assure him that there is absolutely nothing between my ex and I anymore and that I love him, yet I always am unable to tell the truth about communicating with him. In fact I continue to hide the fact that I talk to him. I do not have any feelings whatsoever for my ex at all. I do not know why I do this to him.

Now that we have parted ways he has been very hateful. I feel terrible that I have made him feel this way and would like to be able to let him know that I am very sorry and will pursue treatment. I want to say the right things to him without him thinking that I am just lying. I do not want him to hate me. I know that he does. Please help.

Big Respect for having the courage to face yourself and the fact that you are a liar - or what I call a lying addict - which is a dis-ease not a moral issue. With any addiction, the addict often has to hit rock bottom before the person can find the humility within themselves to ask for and accept help which seems to be what has happened with you. Anyway, here's a post to help you understand why lying addicts lie and the day to day drudgery of living with a lying addiction...

compulsive-lying/topic115788.html

compulsive-lying/topic129187.html

An addict of any description who truly desires to change and is willing to go to any lengths to do so will recover. Period. Put the work in and you will become what your heart desires and knows you can be.

Big Hug,
Billi Caine