so, yesterday i relapsed and it was definitely triggered by something that i can't discuss here. anyway, i'm in a very complicated situation and the only person who can give me concrete advice on what to do about it is my therapist but i don't how concrete is the advice she's willing to give me. i think this time she will have to be very concrete and i will be very firm about it. this time it is not only my well being that is at stake. anyway, yesterday was ok but i am somewhat paranoid about catching an std. i didn't see the man i was with naked under clear light so i might have missed some outward signs of disease and i'm a little suspicious about some things i felt. but he was very nice, we talked and watched a movie besides having sex. when i got home i realized i had some very intense penile pain (that has happened before) to the point that i could barely wash my penis. i'm afraid i'll have to get circumcised sooner or later. anyway, the sex in itself did not hurt me and it wasn't more selfdestructive than sex is by itself for me. that's why i feel i'm getting better even though i relapsed. today i didn't even open the hookup apps i use, didn't even feel like it even though i haves had an orgasm for a long time, i believe about 3 weeks (didn't have one yesterday as well). that's something, when compared to the times of hard compulsiveness when right after sex i already begin looking for more. i'm very sleepy while writing this and it strongly occurs to me how weird it is to look at who i was before the addiction and who i am now. sometimes i'm not myself, but i wonder if i was ever myself before finding out my darkness...