If you think the description applies to you sometimes or you can see yourself behaving as such, 1. If you read a description and think, "Doesn't everyone do that?", go ahead and give yourself a 2.And, for the sake of political correctness, the characters in the descriptions are not all the same gender. Because women can be psychopaths too. Like Lucy Liu in Kill Bill.
1.Glib/superficial charm:
You're so confident in your gift of gab that you believe you could sell flood insurance to someone living in the Sahara desert. Actually, you remember selling flood insurance to this old lady that lived near Death Valley when you were mooching off your Aunt Sally in California and needed some extra cash (you'd already cleaned Aunt Sally out). Dumb old hag thought you were the sweetest lad, ha! Fooled her.
2.Grandiose sense of self-worth:
So you were sleeping with your latest "thing", and, mid-coitus, she screams out "Oh, God!" You think, "Finally! Someone's calling me by my real name!"
3.Need for stimulation:
For some odd reason, your boyfriend convinced you that going to the zoo and having monkeys fling their own fecal matter at you would be enjoyable. Not 10 minutes into the adventure, you're painfully bored and practically dragging your significant other past the exhibits. Then you come upon a pane of glass that was cracked, held together by packaging tape, and imprisoning a silverback gorilla. Your SO is off looking at other animals, and no one else is in the building. Without a second thought, you grab a large rock out of the snapping turtle enclosure and throw. You grab your SO and run out screaming, "THE GORILLA ESCAPED!" You delightedly watch the mass hysteria ensue and think, "Okay, so maybe the trip wasn't a total loss..."
4.Lying:
At the moment, you're only home because you have to make sure you're the first one to answer the phone in case Cherry, or Candy, or whatsherface calls. Your newest girl is smoking hot, has a rich daddy, and you've got her convinced you're a CEO of some corporation or the other. You can't risk one of your other things calling at the most inopportune moment and blowing your cover.
5.Manipulative:
You just started a new job and you're sucking up to the boss and a few of the other uppers. You've also started working on your boss's secretary, as she has insider information on the company's workings. And once in a blue moon you stop by the head honcho's desk for a chat, and you're convinced he has the hots for you. After you've gotten your “support system” secure, you subtly sabotage your supervisor with dirty gossip and the like. You plan to have his job in 3 months if all goes well. Yeah, just like your last job... Damn, you're clever...
6.No remorse:
Let's say you're plan in number 5 goes smoothly. Now your old boss is working at a meat packing plant and had to send his gran-gran to a retirement home because he's working 12-hour days and doesn't have the time to take care of her. Gran-gran became clinically depressed and kicked the proverbial bucket after a dramatic decline in overall health. You muster up some crocodile tears for your colleagues, but your internal reaction was … “How was I supposed to know that my accusations of him stealing from the corporation's finances and downloading kiddie porn on his work computer would look bad to his next employers? Besides, he should be thanking me because now he doesn't have to take care of that old bag of bones. It's not like she had much longer to live anyway.”
7.Shallow effect:
You just don't get all the hoopla over newborn babies. You can't think of anything worse than waiting hand and foot on something the size of a football, then having to wipe its ass to boot! Or why people even go to funerals. They're so damn boring! And why do people get all emotional when their SO leaves them? Why not just go down to a bar or a concert and pick up another one? Your friends say you're cold and emotionless, but you feel plenty! Like the time you robbed that old couple, and the cops were on your tail. Damn, was your heart beating!
8.Lack of empathy:
Your dad just died earlier this morning, and your mom is all distraught over the matter. After a few hours of pained expressions and fake tears for the visiting mourners, you wander over to the living room to watch some TV. Then mom comes in looking for comfort and sobbing on your shoulder. If it were any other occasion, you'd pat her on the shoulder and pretend to care. But your favorite show is on and it's the last episode of the season, so you tell her to get ahold of herself and pipe down for a damn minute because she's driving you nuts. Oh … because daddy's death was just so sad and you want to take your mind off it.
9.Failure to take responsibility for own actions:
It's not your fault that your kid almost drowned in your neighbor's pool while you were busy talking on the phone with that cute girl from down the street. Your ex should've taken them to swimming class or something, then this wouldn't have happened.
10.Parasitic lifestyle:
Your old house wasn't working out because your roomies refused to lend you any more rent money, so you picked up this nice, respectable guy -recently divorced and lonely- and moved in with him for the moment. Your last job was a waste of time and didn't pay enough, so you quit and just started mooching off anyone willing to listen to your #######4 sob stories. You don't even get your own food anymore. You make friends with people at food joints and ask for discounts, or you just show up at someone's house around dinner time and expect them to invite you in.
11.Poor behavioral controls:
You find yourself at a hotel pool with some family, and you're sitting around a table with your Crackberry, ignoring everyone else. Your dipshit little nephew decides to shoot you with a squirt gun while you're not paying attention. He then drops the squirt gun and runs for safety. So you pick up the toy and gimp after him. He's about to get in the hot tub to hide, so you hurl the squirt gun at his legs, and he goes flying into the hot tub. Haha! Little bastard...
12.Promiscuous:
You've been called a whore by all of your exes. But they were just jealous. And the fact that you were cheating on all of them and borrowing their money to get hookers is beside the point...
13.Early behavioral problems:
You would sneak out frequently. You once ambushed a flock of sheep with a paintball gun, and you thought it was just the funniest thing ever. Since your parents forced you to go to church, you made the best of it by ######6 a deacon's daughter in the bathroom during a sermon.
14.Lack of realistic, long-term goals:
You're forty-years-old, overweight, and fresh out of prison. You spend all day watching TV or sleeping. And you're still telling everyone how you're going to be a professional swimmer and win medals and $#%^. You've been saying this since you convinced your girlfriend in college you were going to try out for the Olympics swim team, and you haven't even been to a pool for years.
15.Impulsivity:
You meet this sexy, young thing at a bar one night, and you think you must have her. So you move her into your house the next day. You would've moved her in the same night, but you had to get rid of the present live in first.
16.Irresponsibility:
You keep getting calls from bill collectors, and their insistent tones just put you in a foul mood. After a few days of that nonsense, you just unplug the phone.
You think you can drive better drunk than most people can sober. You frequently prove your point.
17.Juvenile delinquency:
By the age of ten, you knew the first and last names of every police officer in town, and not because they were friends with your parents. You frequently stole booze from your dad's liquor cabinet and sold it to your friends. You bootlegged candy and soda into the school when it was banned. You were the reason it was banned in the first place. You started going to Sunday school so you could steal from the church's offering plate. You were caught vandalizing cars and houses on a regular basis. When the fuzz foiled your plans, you simply moved onto new enterprises.
Eventually, your dad nailed your window shut because he didn't want to keep paying the cops off to keep your record clean. Shows how abusive he was, too. What if there had been a fire? I would've died dad! Do you want that on your conscience!?
18.Revocation of conditional release:
You got probation for petty theft, but a week later you were shoplifting groceries from WalMart. But that didn't count because you weren't caught. And you were $#%^ broke because these horrendous accusations against you have prevented you from getting a respectable job (you haven't even bothered to look), so you were starving and needed the Twinkies to survive.
19.Many short-term marital relationships:
You spend a lot of your time dodging your ex-wives who are always calling and asking for child support or trying to get you to watch the kids for the weekend. Nothing but a bunch of gold-diggers and slackers... As a matter of fact, your 1st or 2nd ex tried to come to your house the other day … Uhh, what was her name again? Anyway, it was a good thing your girlfriend answered the door so you could sneak out the back and hide at your other girlfriend's house.
20.Criminal versatility:
“So, that's how the pyramid structure works...”
If you remembered what the score was for each item, add them up. You need a 30+ to get a diagnosis of psychopathy if you're in the US, and a 25+ if you're in the UK or Canada. Dr. Bob Hare claims most folks only get a 0-2, 5 tops. Yet again, only for my amusement.
Special thanks to Dr. Bob Hare for thinking up such a test and ensuring that, due to my unfortunate score, I'm ten times more likely to be found guilty for future crimes that I didn't commit...
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