Dad sexually abused me out of the blue as an adult TRIGGERS

I can't find any similar experiences to mine. Most are cases that started in childhood. My father has never done this before and I can't understand why this has happened now. I had a very nastly split from my boyfriend after months of mental abuse which had me at the lowest point of my life. I had lost a stone in weight within the space of a week, was drinking heavily and crying all the time. It was my 37th birthday and asked my dad to come to a holiday home I'd rented for me and my son to have a weekend holiday going to a theme park. I had planned originally for my boyfriend to be there but he had a breakdown and just left me suddenly and I was devastated. I asked my dad to be there as he's always been my best friend and the person I turn to for advice and support. I was in a very dark place and he came to stay and was the father I expected him to be, extremely supportive and encourageing. He took me and my son out for a meal and we had a lovely time. When we got back I put my son to bed and my dad and I sat on the sofa talking as we would normally do. We had had a lot to drink and continued drinking at the house. At one point I spilled my drink on my dress and went upstairs to get changed into my pyjamas. We continued chatting but I was very drunk and it was late and I leaned up against my dad's shoulder on the sofa and passed out. At some point later, I became aware that he had taken off my pyjama bottoms and had his fingers inside me. I could not physically move or speak or even open my eyes. My hands were clenched into fists and my consciousness flashed in and out. I felt completely paralysed but was aware at points of what was happening but powerless to do anything about it. I was in total shock. This had never happened before. I was aware that he tried to get me to touch him but I was like a dead body and my fist would not open. I think he tried to enter me but wasn't able to. I couldn't open my eyes so I never saw anything. I'm aware that he had his head between my legs and that he used his tongue on me. I feel sick typing this. I don't know how long any of this went on for. Eventually he pulled my pyjama bottoms back on and told me to go to bed. I remained motionless so he went to bed. Sometime later, I don't know how long, I dragged myself to bed. The next day I was very sore and there was blood all over the throw on the sofa. It was painful for me to urinate and also painful to walk. I was still in shock and in total disbelief that this had happened to me, so dragged myself round the theme park with him and my son trying to act as normal as possible for my son's benefit. I staggered around shuddering periodically, hardly speaking at all. Eventually, at the end of the day, I told my dad he'd have to leave as i couldn't face him any longer. He said yes of course and then said "in my defence, I just wanted to do something nice for you". What??!! I asked him what he would tell mum about him leaving and he said he would say he was poorly. At that point I had no intention of telling my mother what had happened, I hoped I could sweep it all under the carpet and pretend it never happened. That was 7 months ago and I haven't seen him since. I did tell my mum about a month later but couldn't bring myself to give her details. She has decided to stick by him but is still in contact with me although we never discuss it. My 9 year old son is now starting to ask me why I haven't spoken to my dad in ages and I don't know how to deal with it. Is there a way that we can get past this to have some sort of contact again for my son's sake? I know my father will be wracked with guilt and remorse and grieving for the loss of his only daughter but he has made no effort to contact me. I can't understand why this has happened to me as an adult and I feel guilt for being unable to prevent it. Has anyone had a similar experience with abuse as an adult that never happened as a child?

I don't have many words, but wanted to acknowledge that I've read your post. Sorry I can't offer more than hugs.

Keep talking.

Take care

Most assault are different but they are all equally wrong and undeserved by the victim.

I'm sorry this happened to you. This is for you if it is okay. (((HUG)))

I am so sorry you are going through all of this and that your father behaved in such an appalling way and justified it in the way he did. Personally I think that you need to do what it right for you. And if that means not talking to him then I think that is what you have to do. As for what to say to your son could you say you are just not seeing him for a while or would he ask questions? Could you say you had a fight with him as he did something wrong and you dont want to talk about it further. Are you having any help professionaly to deal with all of this? I think it is important you do.

Cracked

Only thing I can figure is perhaps he was very drunk too and also at a low point! I'm not excusing his actions as they are beyond contempt! I'm just trying to understand why he did it?
I don't know how to respond to this as it is bizarre that this happened at your age! I don't know hun?

You may need to permanently break contact with him. Your son might miss him, but he will get over it. He won't be damaged by lack of a grandfather figure. I don't really remember my grandfather at all.

It is also possible that your father has mentally changed somehow. It may not be safe to have him around your child. Will you ever be able to trust him? It may be very damaging for your mental well being to be around him after this incident as well.

You may not remember it, but it does sound like you were entered. Why else would there have been blood on the throw?

I'm sorry your were betrayed by someone that close to you. You should not feel guilty. He was someone you felt safe being drunk around. Someone you trusted. You had no way of knowing what he would do.
This is in no way your fault!

I'm sorry you lost your bf as well. That is a really big loss to deal with.

Thank you all for your comments, I appreciate your support and advice. My parents live quite far away now so not seeing them isn't a problem. I still speak to my Mum but we never discuss it. I did get counselling and hypnotherapy for the first few weeks after because to be honest I was determined to bounce back as soon as possible for my son's benefit and those who knew thought I coped remarkably well. I am in a loving and understanding relationship now and have been rebuilding my life after this huge shock. For the most part I can sweep it under the carpet but I still have nightmares occasionally although they are much less frequent and less disturbing. Obviously with Christmas coming up I am aware that there may be some issues to deal with but I have a good support network so I know I will be ok. Naturally I just wish I could erase the whole thing but as that is not possible acceptance and moving on will have to suffice.

Keep going with the hard work it sounds like you are doing to work on this and you will get there. Take care and post whenever you want to let us know how you are and for support.

Cracked