Esteem vs. Confidence

I know this is going to sound completely bizarre, especially coming from a 36yo who was "successful" up until a couple years ago...

I'm pretty self-confident, I know that I can figure things out and survive. There's not much I haven't been able to learn and just do. But my self-esteem is almost non-existent. No amount of successful survival or being able to do or handle things ever makes a dent in the feeling that I am intrinsically worthless. My only vague sense of worth comes from being able to do something - so if I'm not being useful or it's not recognized or I'm screwing things up then I'm totally worthless.

I've had family, friends and pyschs tell me "Look at that thing you did. You should be proud of yourself." But no, it doesn't make me feel better about myself. And I have never, ever felt proud of myself -- most of the time I just feel guilty and disgusted. I mean, I even stopped journaling because it was humiliating to go back and read what I was thinking or feeling -- mostly because it was totally wrong or stupid or I ended up getting hurt.

How can it be possible to have confidence, but no self-esteem? Has anyone else felt this way?

It doesn't sound like you have much self-confidence or self-esteem. You've just found a practical way to deal with it.

Hi, plicketycat,
Depression can cloud one's perception of one's self. One of the chief symptoms of depression is a pervading feeling of being worthless. This is so basic, its akin to if you had a bad cold you would have the main symptom being a runny nose.
Depression is treatable. This feeling of worthlessness is a symptom of the illness, not a fact of your being.
Try the exercise of standing outside yourself ( change of perspective ) and seeing that you are an okay, intelligent person with an illness called depression which is making your mind think bad stuff about you which is not real.
I've been there, done that, so know of what I speak.

I can't tell you how it's possible or what to do about it, but I can tell you that I feel the same way. I feel confident in my abilities, but I have no self-esteem whatsoever. It's always hard to explain when people ask, because they assume that they're the same thing.

Hi, TheyNeedSeven,
It's that old bugaboo depression again. Why depression makes one feel worthless is puzzling, but it does.
What has helped me is to really think about who I am. Like, what is so worthless about me that I should suffer? I am no more and no less worthless than anyone else. We are here. That is worth something. Is there some demon god with a ledger writing down all our names and ascribing levels of worth to each of us?
One thing that can cause a person to feel worthless is rejection. Childhood rejection is especially tough, because as children we don't have the perspective to analyze and defend ourselves. We want to feel valuable to our parents and peers. As we mature we realize that we can't please all the people all the time, and generally we should be able to handle a little rejection from some, although it may sting a little. But if the wounded feeling is entrenched, as can happen early in life, we can grow up depressed and forgetting the original cause of our pain. We then have internalised the rejection and turned it on ourselves with feelings ( or judgements ) of worthlessness.

puma wrote:One thing that can cause a person to feel worthless is rejection. Childhood rejection is especially tough...

AMEN to that!! I think it's even harder if the rejection is coming from your parents...

"Mother is God in the eyes of a child" -- so if "God" doesn't love you , then you must be worthless.

Terrible, terrible legacy

plicketycat wrote:

puma wrote:One thing that can cause a person to feel worthless is rejection. Childhood rejection is especially tough...

AMEN to that!! I think it's even harder if the rejection is coming from your parents...

"Mother is God in the eyes of a child" -- so if "God" doesn't love you , then you must be worthless.

Terrible, terrible legacy

And here is where the blessing of perspective comes in. Now that we are adults, we can see that this worthless thing is not true. We can be a loving parent to our inner child, and redo this legacy.

I completely agree.

I've always been 'confident' as it were. I know I'm successful at school and I trust that I can generally do most things and do them well. I'm a good public speaker, charismatic etc etc.

However in terms of esteem I'm awful. I always get the feeling I have no real friends, that I dont fit in and that I dont have much to offer actual people.

It's like when I apply for a position or job I know I can, should and probably will get it, but at the same time I dont think a girl is ever going to love me.

I was rejected as a child aswell, my brother got the attention and I got yelled at. I think it really destroyed my esteem.

It's a tough thing to get over, even now when I dont care what my parents think of me. They sent me into that cycle of bad esteem and they are no longer needed to upkeep it.

Clutchology wrote:
It's a tough thing to get over, even now when I dont care what my parents think of me. They sent me into that cycle of bad esteem and they are no longer needed to upkeep it.

Along with perspective comes the opportunity to re-program your earlier negative conditioning. Repetition works well; keep telling yourself when you start to feel low self esteem that you are worthwhile after all. At first this may seem silly and awkward, but just keep at it. It's like a form of auto hypnosis. Eventually it will stick.
Like, I am here.
I am okay.
Sometimes I may be a little afraid, but I am an okay person no matter what.
Repetition. It will become automatic.

Haha yeah. I tend to do the opposite.

I wait till I get happy then tell myself I have no right to be happy. There are certain things I know to be fact i.e. having a girlfriend would be pointless because I have nothing to offer them that I didnt when I was their friend.

The problem is that then becomes "no-one is ever going to love you and you're gonna die alone."

See how it goes?