Esteem vs. Confidence

Old thread, but I have to reply...

Damn, I can so relate. For the last 10 years, I've tended to feel that I am the greatest, yet I am still worth $#%^ and might as well die.

People don't seem to understand how you can feel that way. If I tell people, they're always like "oh, but you're good at this and that". Well of course I'm good at that, I'm good at most things in life, but that doesn't make me a good person.

And I know it's a bad circle, becuase the more I hate myself, the more I hate others, especially those who do seem to like me. People can't love someone who hates himself, and they don't want to love someone who hates them. So that just reinforces the feeling that I am worthless, because people don't like me despite how great I am. Or actually, of course people like me, people who don't know me like me.

Unlike the rest of you, I wasn't abused in any way as a child. In fact, I don't think these feelings started until I was 13 or something and got depressed. My confidence recovered, but my self esteem never did. So in some ways, it feels like I am my own abuser.

I know I can do anything I want, but I'll still never like myself. Doesn't matter how many friends I have, how much money I have, how famous I am. I'll still hate myself. Yet that's my only hope, that if I am really successful in life, I'll stop hating myself. That's pretty damn pathetic, another reason to hate myself, hehe.