Thread for those in disordered/abusive relationships

goth_spice wrote:hello..I've never posted anyhting in this forum but I kinda need an opinion from outside.

I have a boyfriend. we've been toguether for about 3 years. Things were rocky from the beginning, I know, wth with me.

He claims he has something in his brain, he's never had it examined, which causes him to "change" and be a completely different person, this "state" lasts for about an hour and he then "snaps" back. I'm quoting because I'm not sure it's true. Anyway, when he's in his other state he's mean and breaks up with me, call me names and tells me stuff he knows hurts me.

As a little background on myself, I've been a cutter since I was aroun 13 yo, I'm 27 now. I don't do it as often as I used to. (This year about twice). I haven't been properly diagnosed but I know that I have suffered from severe depression. (which runs siletly in my famili as well)

So back to the relationship. He gets angry so easily and yell and calls me names, no matter what triggered the fight. It could be from me not wanting to watch TV with him to money problems. The reasons vary so widely that I could spend quite a while talking about them.

Another thing is that he's divorced, has two kids, and according to him, he does not introduce me to his family because 1. it's trouble with his exwife and bye bye visits to the kids and 2. I'm too emotional and his family are all jokers and might hurt my feelings.

We hardly go out because ppl might see us, we even go to the movies and stuff in another city nearby.

So, to finish this...I thing that I might be in an abusive relationship, but also, might be co-dependant from my side? any thoughts?

Since this is so long ago, IDK what is up with you now, but it sounds like you both have issues, and arenot healthy for each other. But if you really love each other, and want to make it work, couples counselling might help. Otherwise, move on.

HI all

What happened to the previous posters. If any of you are still about I'd like to hear what's happened to you since.

My story is: I had a very abusive childhood, left home at 15, everything was good for 15 years, then I found myself with a young child and an abusive partner. Split up with him and everything was good for the next 15 years (it seems to go in cycles with me). When I say everything was good, my son and I lived in real poverty when he was too small for me to work, then I spent years paying off my debts and dragging us out of the gutter, but I was happy then. Then I met a good man at work, we got together and everything looked great. We moved to Bulgaria 12 years ago and all was good for a few years, then he started having fits and has had a stroke, and it has affected him badly. He is very emotionally and verbally abusive, and very difficult to live with. He's also an alcoholic.

I'm not allowed to leave the house without him. Despite doing everything, house, garden, maintenance, he berates me constantly, calls me stupid, lazy, on and on.

I'm finding it very difficult to live with him but for various reasons I don't feel able to leave. I don't feel it's right to leave him alone when he clearly can't cope (there are signs of dementia). I have animals who depend on me. Plus the only alternative is to move back to England where I will have nowhere to live and no income. I have terminal cancer and really don't want to leave my home and struggle like that again at this stage in my life, I feel too ill to battle on any more.

I think what upsets me the most is that friends have started to notice his behavior towards me (he doesn't bother to hide it so much any more) and keep nagging me to leave - although they have no suggestion where I should go. So I can't talk to anyone now, I feel battered from all sides.

Sorry for the rant, I just had to let that out.

Lyn

At the age of 48 I'd always thought I'd be somewhere else in my life. I think we've all gone through that through process once or twice, right? But never did I imagine myself being in an emotionally abusive relationship. And never did I realize how insanely difficult they are to get out of. The problem I have, is that I am very much in love with this man. On his good days, he is loving and doting and has done more for me than my ex husband even did. But there is a very impossible side to him that leaves me confused, hurt, and more confused ...
He is a narcissist, was diagnosed with PTSD (his Mother took her own life when he was 12), and manic depression. He's insanely talented musically and artistically. He's brilliant and well learned - you could ask him a question about anything and he'll know the answer. But he is also painfully afflicted and that's where the problems come in.
I'm not perfect by any means. I have my moments because i am stubborn and somewhat impatient; but I am also a realist. Things that I know are messed up, he sees no problem with. He has done things to me (cheated and lied for instance) and despite his apology, still thinks he did nothing wrong. When we fight (which is more often than not) he will say the most hurtful, horrible things to me then tell me that I am the one "terrorizing" him. He will tell me how everyone hates me, how I am insane and need help. how I make every day "Terrible," accuses me of sleeping around, etc. The exaggerations are endless but the damage is that I begin to questions whether he even likes me, much less loves me. According to him, everything is my fault and "if it were up to him, we'd never fight." That's his go-to line every single time, all the while he doesn't realize or accept that his actions are what caused the fight in the first place.

We've been together for five years. I do love him - even though I don't want to. It would be so much easier if I could just hate him. It should be easy to walk away given everything he's put me through. I suspect much of it has to do with my lack of self esteem and not wanting to be alone; but there's a part of me too that feels sorry for what he's been through and if I leave, I'd just be abandoning him.

Don't hate me. lol! I know this is messed up -- that's why I'm here. To hopefully figure out what is causing me to stay when I should probably be going. OR ... can a relationship with a narcissist work, and if so - how?

ChelleMarie wrote:I do love him - even though I don't want to

Hello Chelle....

My honest thoughts here..

It is a strange thing, to love someone who hurts you, isn't? Or, to stay in love with someone who hurts you. Chances are you believe he cares for you as well, but if that were so, why does he hurt you? And this is the part that keeps you stuck. Which person is he? The one you actually fell in love with because he showed you something (that could possibly be just a mirror-more on that later) or the abusive one? Because that is a form of abuse. To deny the truth and spin it as your fault is someone who either is deliberately trying to confuse you or lacks empathy.

Well he is both and none. If he has some kind of disorder, chances are he saw in you something that was malleable. A need, a want, a desire and sought to meet it. You fell in a love with a man who "did more for you than your ex husband." Probably your desire to be treated this way. But if this was sincere, why the change. Why cheat, why lie. Perhaps he feels bolder, now that you love him, and this is really who he is. So, he is comforted that you will stay.

Now, he may not have a disorder. He may just be a very manipulative person. It hurts just the same though, so it really does not matter.

I do not see someone (him) who made an honest mistake and wants to make good on that. When we have relationships with others we care about, and we hurt them, we try to make it right. Because we generally care and realize we did wrong. We do not deny, deny, deny. What is the purpose of being with someone if we will not treat them with the same respect we would want to be treated. And they us.

Now, you see the "good" in him and I have seen that expressed many times on these forums. Yet these same people who have "good" in them as expressed by posters here, continue to hurt the ones who arrive here looking for advice. So, how much good is really there?

I wish I could tell you what it is about him that makes him behave this way. But I can not. The real question is, why stay with a man who treats you this way?

***TRIGGER WARNING**** Don't read if you can't handle venting about a physical situation that took place.

I've been in a cozy FWB situation. Neither he nor I want a relationship, and we've always said that. He was the first friend I confided in about my mental illness. I have not been officially diagnosed, but I know I have a dissociative disorder. I explained to him the different parts that come out. He said he never realized that's what was going on and that it wasn't overtly obvious, but said that it made sense in hindsight regarding certain situations. He seemed really cool with it, treated me to some food, and continued to inquire about it. This made me nervous, and I ended up in a "co-pilot" situation for lack of better wording. One of the younger ones came out, but I was giving her guidance if that makes any sense. Anyways, I never told him that I can and do co-pilot with my parts/alters or whatever you want to call them. So yeah... one of the younger ones came out. It was obvious, she was talking about her favorite things with him (My Little Pony, Spongebob, etc.), and then he did something that shocked me. He started touching on her... like hard. This was a week ago, and my breast is still bruised. He tried to force her to do sexual stuff with him, and I don't remember anything after that. That night, however, he sent me an email saying that what happened kept him up and that he didn't want to talk for a week. It's been a week, so I asked him what happened. He's being childish and evasive, and I'm so confused. He looked at me with such disgust earlier and told me that he owed me no explanation. I'm sitting here thinking that I should be the one who's upset because he tried to take advantage of a child part/alter. What the ###$ is going on? I just lost the one friend I have, and it hurts so much. And it took so much courage for me to be up front and honest about my illness, and I just feel really rejected and taken advantage of. I'm so sad, but then some of my parts are so angry, and others are confused. None of us are on the same page regarding him, and I have no idea what to do. It hurts so much. Why does it have to hurt so much? I really thought he was my friend.

ChelleMarie wrote:To hopefully figure out what is causing me to stay when I should probably be going. OR ... can a relationship with a narcissist work, and if so - how?

I was arrogant enough to think it can, that I'll make it work, despite millions of reported experiences online stating the opposite. I'm usually very stubborn and refuse giving up on anything until I find a solution. But I was wrong. There is only one way - accept his terms and condemn yourself to a miserable life.
Kill your hope of even the slightest change if you decide to stay. Also, don't blame him later for anything, as you were the one making the decision to stay. I hope you get out.

I have a question for all users who wrote around here - how did you leave abusive relationships? What were the consequences? Did you manage to break the cycle of toxic relationships and build a healthy one afterwards?

Hey shanzeek,

You are not alone. We all think we can make it work, or win, or change something, and then...

I was arrogant enough too, but I was also wrong, and like you wrote, my choices were accept her terms and conditions (and yep, be buried in her narcissism and miserable), or admit defeat. The defeat part is only as real as we make it, but it can feel that way.

Freeing yourself can be done in steps (including a step forward and back, until there is more forward than back). What step are you today?

Thanks for your support. (:

I cut all contact few days ago. Before that I gave in to his demand of meeting and talking "one last time". All just empty words. It took him less than few days to start building the wall of isolation around me and attempting to control how long I stay out or with whom.

I've been attempting to do this for a year and a half, but always kept coming back, so I do understand why he feels like none of these break ups are permanent, I gave him that impression.

Something is, however, different this time, we were not in contact for about 6 months, and he seems somehow changed, probably in relation to substance abuse. His aggression worsened, he' s got zero patience left, his attempts of controlling me stopped being covert, and I started feeling very uncomfortable around him. Not being around him for half a year probably had something to do with it, I am able to rationalize everything that's happening. I couldn't before. I also learned a lot from EE's thread.

The whole thing does make me sad in a way. Mostly because I know this will make him permanently shut down the fragile suppressed part of his personality that would on rare occassions emerge from the depths of his being. I'm unsure what kind of emotion he feels in relation to all this, but I don't like the thought of hurting him in any way.

Unclear what to expect now really, whether he'll just leave me be or attempt to destroy my life in some way, I can't avoid running into him in future.

shanzeek wrote:The whole thing does make me sad in a way. Mostly because I know this will make him permanently shut down the fragile suppressed part of his personality that would on rare occassions emerge from the depths of his being. I'm unsure what kind of emotion he feels in relation to all this, but I don't like the thought of hurting him in any way.

I suppose this is what keeps most of us hanging in there. The belief, true or not, that there is some occasional emergence of insight, empathy, growth, caring, whatever it was we saw. That it feels like we are going to lose that 'deeper' connection, and maybe be responsible for an even greater shutdown. That is quite the responsibility to put on others, and ourselves.

It's our nature to project our perception on others. Not sure if you ever heard any variants of I am always right, I am never going to change, there is nothing wrong with me, etc., but if so, the other possibility is reading way more into those moments then there actually was. They may have engaged in those moments because they are expected, but that doesn't mean those moments were necessarily enjoyable, or enjoyed in the same way. Perhaps, but after you hear enough I'm happy in my narcissistic, emotionally removed, do what I want place, it sinks in, they really do mean that.

xdude wrote:
I suppose this is what keeps most of us hanging in there. The belief, true or not, that there is some occasional emergence of insight, empathy, growth, caring, whatever it was we saw. That it feels like we are going to lose that 'deeper' connection, and maybe be responsible for an even greater shutdown. That is quite the responsibility to put on others, and ourselves.

It's exactly what kept (keeps?) me hanging, and he knows it, he exploited it more than once. Big part of me still believes this occasional emergence of insight/empathy was honest or I'd be gone long time ago. The reason for going through with all this is mostly because I'm finishing uni and need to figure out my next step, I'm unable to focus on both things simultaneously..