Thread for those in disordered/abusive relationships

hurtingbadly wrote:Well, I am feeling really bad about a situation I have had with a guy since 6 months ago.

I met him over the internet and he is from another country (both of us in Europe though). We talked about travelling and I told him how I would like to visit the area he lives and he quickly told me to jump in a plane and visit him there, which I thought was weird at such an early stage. Anyway, we started talking on Skype and this was in February. He told me he had a long distance relationship (gf) with someone in another continent and that they had met twice only. He said they fight all the time and break up every day and that he hates make-up and that he fought with gf every day over her wearing make-up. I really thought this gf wasn't serious. All this sounded strange to me. He told me he was a sex addict and online game addict, that he is hostile, impatient, insatiable and he said he had met his "gf" last October. Over Xmas he was with her too and only in January he flew to another country to have sex with a woman. Then, the gf visited him in March and to cut the story short, he flew to me in April just for the 1 day. At the start, I didn't give it much importance as I didn't really want anything serious with him. After he left he told me he was really happy he met me, that he was really happy I was the way I was and that he basically had a great time. Only the next day we talked on Skype and we agreed I would go over to his country to meet him in 6 weeks' time. Thing is he only wants to spend 36 hours maximum with me because he says he has other things to do and to call his gf because otherwise she gets suspicious if he is missing for too long. This was unacceptable but as it was only the second time we met I thought not to give it much thought as I thought he perhaps wanted to know me slowly and not to spend too much time at the start. He seemed happy that he was going to see me again but weeks before I flew over he started to hang up on me on Skype whenever I said something he didn't want to talk about. I asked him what he thought of me and he always answered that he doesn't like me fishing for compliments. He started to give me time limits to talk on Skype, sometimes he would count down and then he would hang up on me. He would tell me I needed to structure my talk and talk about interesting things. One day he told me he gave me 4 minutes to talk and at minute 3.30 he hung up. Then he said that I didn't know how to use the time he gave me and that if I wasted 4 minutes like that he wouldn't give me more next time. It became all really nasty, basically.

I had already bought my air ticket and anyway I was about to cancel it but I flew over. It was only for 36 hours that we met and the day I was leaving I asked him if we would see each other again. He said he didn't know and then took me to the airport. I was there saying good bye and he was just there for 5 minutes and I wanted him to stay a bit longer till I left. He got really angry, he looked at my face in such a cold way and told me I was being very clingy and that it was over forever, that we would never talk again. I was so shocked so traumatized. Then he walked away and didn't even look back.

When I arrived he asked if I had arrived safely and we talked on Skype but he still said it was over. He told me that I spoilt things while I was there, that it was my fault. He said I made him run away, that how I could be so clingy at the airport, he said that I made him pay 3 Euros for parking at the airport when he wanted to go quickly. He constantly told me to change myself, he said how I can undermine his authority, whenever I asked when we can talk he says that he doesn't know, not now, not today. He blocked me several times on whatsapp and Skype. He many times told me I am ignorant, a bad listener or that I have bad memory. When I ask questions that don't suit him he tells me to change topic. He even said I had to make an appointment to talk to him.

Then anyway, we got back talking and so many times when he is not available to talk he tells me that he wasn't answering because he was having sex with such and such. Even a weekend after me visiting him he told me how he brought another woman to his house and he was doing with her the same things he did with me. Recently, I texted him one day and he said he was driving and that he was ######6 a girl in another country.

And now, I visited him a third time in his country (and last time for me) because 36 hours is all he offers me and now he even says that it can't be 2 nights but only one (and this is considering I fly from one country to another spending at least 400/500 Euros for 36 hours). I touched him with a packet of paper tissues on his head and he got really angry, he told me I have no empathy and that I am crazy, that that was really bad and that he is so sensitive to noise. I couldn't believe the way he was reacting plus I told him I didn't know that about him so it is not like I did it on purpose. He said that the fact I didn't do it on purpose was irrelevant and that anyone would get annoyed by something like that. I was trying to rationalise with him till he said that then in order for me to understand he would have to beat me. Hours later we went to the mountains and he was holding my hand and hugging me and looking at me as if there were feelings somehow.

Whenever I ask if we will talk he says that maybe, no guarantee or that we will but that he could be wrong. He is always the one who makes the call. Whenever I call him he doesn't answer. Today I said to him to call me sometime and he said "only when I want to!" I asked why I can never call him and he said that I can but then when I asked why he never answers when I call he says "because I didn't want to". And then he said "appreciate it, that I call you"

Well, there are so many things he has told me that it is unreal and I don't know what to think anymore.

mixtape02 wrote:

CJC1992 wrote:

Yup that sounds like my ex too. Tried to hang herself on Valentines Day while I was in earshot in the other room, confused about why she was breathing funny. I could write an entire book about her craziness. In fact, I've dedicated an entire blog to her. Mini Hulk Horror. Lol.

Wow, that's deep. To hang yourself knowing that her partner would then most likely be the first person to see it is just nasty. Sure she must be in some sort of emotional and psychological turmoil but to try to take her own life within earshot of you is selfish and attention-seeking. On Valentine's Day of all days too. Do you still have any feelings for her? I can honestly say after all this time I feel nothing for her any more. Not love. Not hate. Nothing. Which is at the place I wanted to be because hating her for so long was a waste of my time and energy. Mini Hulk Horror I think I'd definitely give that a read

Lol do it! There's tons of posts to choose from. http://www.minihulkhorror.blogspot.com/

I don't still love her, but I wish her the best and like I posted on the blog--the only help for Borderlines seems to be therapy and I hope she has gotten it. She also smokes weed and I hope she got her rec and is feeling better off now.

-- Tue Sep 08, 2015 7:59 am --

hurtingbadly wrote:Well, I am feeling really bad about a situation I have had with a guy since 6 months ago.

I met him over the internet and he is from another country (both of us in Europe though). We talked about travelling and I told him how I would like to visit the area he lives and he quickly told me to jump in a plane and visit him there, which I thought was weird at such an early stage. Anyway, we started talking on Skype and this was in February. He told me he had a long distance relationship (gf) with someone in another continent and that they had met twice only. He said they fight all the time and break up every day and that he hates make-up and that he fought with gf every day over her wearing make-up. I really thought this gf wasn't serious. All this sounded strange to me. He told me he was a sex addict and online game addict, that he is hostile, impatient, insatiable and he said he had met his "gf" last October. Over Xmas he was with her too and only in January he flew to another country to have sex with a woman. Then, the gf visited him in March and to cut the story short, he flew to me in April just for the 1 day. At the start, I didn't give it much importance as I didn't really want anything serious with him. After he left he told me he was really happy he met me, that he was really happy I was the way I was and that he basically had a great time. Only the next day we talked on Skype and we agreed I would go over to his country to meet him in 6 weeks' time. Thing is he only wants to spend 36 hours maximum with me because he says he has other things to do and to call his gf because otherwise she gets suspicious if he is missing for too long. This was unacceptable but as it was only the second time we met I thought not to give it much thought as I thought he perhaps wanted to know me slowly and not to spend too much time at the start. He seemed happy that he was going to see me again but weeks before I flew over he started to hang up on me on Skype whenever I said something he didn't want to talk about. I asked him what he thought of me and he always answered that he doesn't like me fishing for compliments. He started to give me time limits to talk on Skype, sometimes he would count down and then he would hang up on me. He would tell me I needed to structure my talk and talk about interesting things. One day he told me he gave me 4 minutes to talk and at minute 3.30 he hung up. Then he said that I didn't know how to use the time he gave me and that if I wasted 4 minutes like that he wouldn't give me more next time. It became all really nasty, basically.

I had already bought my air ticket and anyway I was about to cancel it but I flew over. It was only for 36 hours that we met and the day I was leaving I asked him if we would see each other again. He said he didn't know and then took me to the airport. I was there saying good bye and he was just there for 5 minutes and I wanted him to stay a bit longer till I left. He got really angry, he looked at my face in such a cold way and told me I was being very clingy and that it was over forever, that we would never talk again. I was so shocked so traumatized. Then he walked away and didn't even look back.

When I arrived he asked if I had arrived safely and we talked on Skype but he still said it was over. He told me that I spoilt things while I was there, that it was my fault. He said I made him run away, that how I could be so clingy at the airport, he said that I made him pay 3 Euros for parking at the airport when he wanted to go quickly. He constantly told me to change myself, he said how I can undermine his authority, whenever I asked when we can talk he says that he doesn't know, not now, not today. He blocked me several times on whatsapp and Skype. He many times told me I am ignorant, a bad listener or that I have bad memory. When I ask questions that don't suit him he tells me to change topic. He even said I had to make an appointment to talk to him.

Then anyway, we got back talking and so many times when he is not available to talk he tells me that he wasn't answering because he was having sex with such and such. Even a weekend after me visiting him he told me how he brought another woman to his house and he was doing with her the same things he did with me. Recently, I texted him one day and he said he was driving and that he was ######6 a girl in another country.

And now, I visited him a third time in his country (and last time for me) because 36 hours is all he offers me and now he even says that it can't be 2 nights but only one (and this is considering I fly from one country to another spending at least 400/500 Euros for 36 hours). I touched him with a packet of paper tissues on his head and he got really angry, he told me I have no empathy and that I am crazy, that that was really bad and that he is so sensitive to noise. I couldn't believe the way he was reacting plus I told him I didn't know that about him so it is not like I did it on purpose. He said that the fact I didn't do it on purpose was irrelevant and that anyone would get annoyed by something like that. I was trying to rationalise with him till he said that then in order for me to understand he would have to beat me. Hours later we went to the mountains and he was holding my hand and hugging me and looking at me as if there were feelings somehow.

Whenever I ask if we will talk he says that maybe, no guarantee or that we will but that he could be wrong. He is always the one who makes the call. Whenever I call him he doesn't answer. Today I said to him to call me sometime and he said "only when I want to!" I asked why I can never call him and he said that I can but then when I asked why he never answers when I call he says "because I didn't want to". And then he said "appreciate it, that I call you"

Well, there are so many things he has told me that it is unreal and I don't know what to think anymore.

I apologize because I haven't read your entire post, but from the first paragraph, I can tell that this guy is abusive and a cheater. He sounds like an asshole, all narcissistic controlling behavior aside. I'd say leave him. You obviously care a lot and maybe someone out there deserves that love.

hurtingbadly wrote:I am going crazy. He blocked me nearly 3 weeks ago and despite me asking him to at least give me a reason or to have at least one more talk about things rather than going like that, he hasn't replied to me at all. I really don't know what this is. I was only visiting him in mid August and 10 days after that he blocked me. He hasn't told me a word since.

ridingthewtfbus wrote:

hurtingbadly wrote:I am going crazy. He blocked me nearly 3 weeks ago and despite me asking him to at least give me a reason or to have at least one more talk about things rather than going like that, he hasn't replied to me at all. I really don't know what this is. I was only visiting him in mid August and 10 days after that he blocked me. He hasn't told me a word since.

Whether he or you realize it or not, he did you a favor by blocking you. You should do the same. Seeing your attempts to communicate with him and then ignoring you floats his ego and gives him power over you. Emotional abuse is emotional abuse. You are free now to find someone who doesn't mistreat you.

If you stop reaching out, too, your next challenge will be when he begins craving narcissistic supply from you. At that point the power is in your hands. Protect your sanity. Ignore him. Move on.

ridingthewtfbus wrote:

hurtingbadly wrote:I am going crazy. He blocked me nearly 3 weeks ago and despite me asking him to at least give me a reason or to have at least one more talk about things rather than going like that, he hasn't replied to me at all. I really don't know what this is. I was only visiting him in mid August and 10 days after that he blocked me. He hasn't told me a word since.

Whether he or you realize it or not, he did you a favor by blocking you. You should do the same. Seeing your attempts to communicate with him and then ignoring you floats his ego and gives him power over you. Emotional abuse is emotional abuse. You are free now to find someone who doesn't mistreat you.

If you stop reaching out, too, your next challenge will be when he begins craving narcissistic supply from you. At that point the power is in your hands. Protect your sanity. Ignore him. Move on.

Thanks, mixtape02. I took a look yesterday and there's an extensive collection of posts I see.

It's respectable that you wish her all the best despite everything she's done. My ex also smoked weed regularly although I think she's off it too now. Although, she always was a compulsive liar so who knows?

mixtape02 wrote:

Thanks, mixtape02. I took a look yesterday and there's an extensive collection of posts I see.

It's respectable that you wish her all the best despite everything she's done. My ex also smoked weed regularly although I think she's off it too now. Although, she always was a compulsive liar so who knows?

Thanks for checking it out.

Drug users are hard to judge, but weed is harmless unless it makes the person zombie-like day in and day out. In my ex's case, it made her sedated enough to calm the ###$ down once in a while.

I found that, by having disorders myself, I can understand her mistreatment of me. Instead of guilting me for anything she interpreted as mistreatment, she should have learned about my disorder or read about it many times that we fought. Instead of using it as fuel against me and calling it an excuse for how badly I treat her (by not being perfect and constantly at her beck and call) maybe part of her own treatment in daily situations could have been learning how to heed to my needs half of the time because of my disorder instead of her own.

I think people of varying disorders can work out with each other. So I am not insensitive to Borderline people. It's just the ones that aggressively belittle and switch to pretending they're "in love" the next minute that I'd warn people away from.

funkenstein91 wrote:I believe my girlfriend of 4+ years has borderline personality disorder. It actually runs in her family (her sister and her dad both have it) and she exhibits nearly all of the textbook symptoms.

It's impossible to confront her on about anything because she'll immediately start freaking out, acting childish, yelling, and yet she doesn't realize it and will later project all of these traits onto you. She doesn't realize how manipulative she is because I don't think she's conscious of her habits. She always tries to get other people to do things for her, constantly lies, and nearly everyday tries to get out of any personal responsibility. She can never keep track of her money and spends recklessly, then asks if I can wait a few weeks before she gives me rent money for the month. She only owes me $150/month, but she acts like it's a colossal amount and I'm being unreasonable when I get upset that she's a month late. She once struck me in the head several times when we got into a heated argument, but she's typically very verbally and emotionally abusive nonetheless. She refuses to go in for a diagnosis/treatment because she can't afford it, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm afraid to kick her out because she's exhibited suicidal behavior in the past and I fear what she might do if I leave her no other options than to move back in with her abusive father. She has other friends that she can move-in with but she'll likely drive them crazy as well with her emotional instability and then she'll begin to act with self-destructive behavior as is part of her cycle.

What can I really do?