Thread for those in disordered/abusive relationships

Hey shanzeek,

It is kind of mind-shattering when you get that first very strong awareness that you are finally seeing behind the 'mask', and without the rose colored glasses.

Still puzzled by what I witnessed, I've often seen him get mad but this was different, he was blinded by hatred and completely lost control. His threats (not directed at me but at friend I mentioned) were dead serious. He doesn't seem well to me at all.

shanzeek wrote:Still puzzled by what I witnessed, I've often seen him get mad but this was different, he was blinded by hatred and completely lost control. His threats (not directed at me but at friend I mentioned) were dead serious. He doesn't seem well to me at all.

Hard to know. Also while it's the stereotype or truth that people with BPD (maybe HPD too) have dramatic meltdowns semi frequently, the NPD role/coping-mechanism is a more intellectual, and emotionally controlled one until... poof, all the underlying emotions come out. Those meltdowns can be extreme.

He keeps bringing up things from the past . Things which aren't even worth fighting about. He says really bad and mean things. It hurts a lot .

We've been in a relationship for almost 3 years now . And about 2 n 1/2 years ago an incident happened . There was this friend of mine who tried to hit on me when he knew i was in a relationship . I was unaware until my boyfriend came and told me because of something that guy said . My boyfriend immediately asked me to stop talking to that guy . I didnt message him after that but i replied to his text when he texted me and we had a casual conversation because i thought i would be weird to stop talking to someone completely all of a sudden. And i didnt have anything for that guy and thought a casual conversation would do no harm. But oh i was so naive . It led to a huge fight between us and ended up with me being called a slut and a whore . Which hurt me a lot. He keeps randomly bringing this up and fights with me about things that happened years ago . Was. It really so bad what i did ? I dont know I'm genuinely asking.

Another incident that took place months ago led to him saying really bad things again. He was ragging a friend of his about his girlfriend and obviously the guy wanted to get back and he got a chance because a former friend of mine who had a crush on me was sitting on the same table and his friend teased me with him . I just gave his friend a stare and he realized that he shouldnt have said that and he also later apologized to my boyfriend. I knew it was all just a joke and his friend is a stupid guy who thinks it was funny. So I just didnt make a big deal out of it . Because the whole world knows how much i love my boyfriend. But oh no . Me not making a big deal out of it made my boyfriend really mad and he started abusing me over it . And still speaks about it.

Im not a very confident person and just ignore most of the things people say or do . It really hurts me when says things which are really cheap . A slut is probably the least cheap thing he has called me. He says no one should be with a person like me .

PS: ( he was diagnosed with paranoia psychosis a few months ago and the cheating accusations and constantly being my watch dog is an every day business . Check my posts on the delusional disorder threads if you'll can help me with that. I decided to post these things separately because things like these have been happening long before he had any disorder )

Jemma wrote:A slut is probably the least cheap thing he has called me. He says no one should be with a person like me .

Did he ever apologize? He has no right to say this.
Wouldn't you want to be with someone with healthy self-esteem, who could laugh people hitting at you off because they're feeling secure about both your relationship and your love for them? What you described doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. The problem here is that it's unlikely to be an isolated case, someone capable of calling you a 'slut' will do it again sooner or later, probably unprovoked as those last few times you described, and you deserve better than that.

Another incident that took place months ago led to him saying really bad things again. He was ragging a friend of his about his girlfriend and obviously the guy wanted to get back and he got a chance because a former friend of mine who had a crush on me was sitting on the same table and his friend teased me with him . I just gave his friend a stare and he realized that he shouldnt have said that and he also later apologized to my boyfriend. I knew it was all just a joke and his friend is a stupid guy who thinks it was funny. So I just didnt make a big deal out of it . Because the whole world knows how much i love my boyfriend. But oh no . Me not making a big deal out of it made my boyfriend really mad and he started abusing me over it . And still speaks about it

What do you'll think about this ? Did i do the right thing by not taking it seriously and throwing it away as a joke . Or should i have fought and created a scene there. I know that what that guy did was wrong. But everyone was in a light mood laughing and ragging each other . I'm really confused . What should i do ? I apologized to him for not saying anything then . He says theres no unity in between us because i didnt say anything and only he ragged his friend back after what he said . I dont talk to the friend of his he isnt a friend of mine more of an acquaintance. Does us both not shouting at that guy really show that we arent united . I want an unbiased opinion . Im really confused. Because i genuinely took it as a joke .

Hello Jemma,

I read your description about the situation and I think it was a joke and not really any big thing. I also do think it is not acceptable your boyfriend to call you bad names. You told he has paranoia psychosis. Do you know he does take his medicines? Because it is very serious illness and he has to take his medicines every day. One of my friends has a relative who has same kind of illness and he has told me that relative can be out of control even physically without his medicines and he doesn’t even remember anything afterwards. But he is quite normal and friendly with medicines. I think maybe your boyfriend has to see a doctor, can you persuade him to do it? Be careful please! If the situation gets out of control call an ambulance.

Dahlia

I couldnt take it anymore . He wont accept that something is wrong with him . I just couldnt take it anymore . Im done . Completely destroyed . I can't i just cant anymore . I tried . I tried real hard . Everyday is a nightmare . Even the good times have bad memories. I can't take it anymore . It is so difficult . Staying with him is so difficult . Leaving him is even more difficult . Because i really love the guy i fell in love with . And just kept hoping i'd get him back some day. I have accepted reality today. Nothing will ever change. Its all over . Its all over . Im so weak . I dont know what to do . I know if i stay i will kill myself. Slowly everyday . I chose to save myself . I did everything i could . Everything . But its never enough. It never will be .

Jemma, your primary concern should be taking care of yourself. I'm not saying don' offer any help, but you're not obliged to stay in a relationship that makes you feel miserable. If he's not willing to even discuss it, let alone work on it, then there isn't much to think about really. Try picturing your life in 2, 5, 10 years with this same version of him. His paranoia doesn't excuse his behaviour, it's caused by disrespect, not disorder. I do get the insecurity and I've been there myself, though I'd apologize afterwards and own my behaviour at one point. I also had someone accusing me of all kinds of senseless acts I'd never even think of doing, and it got only worse with time. I think relationships should be full of laughter and happiness and peace, not a cause of anxiety adding on to complexity and hardness of being alive. In cases like these, you should rely on rational choices, not your emotions (that people often confuse with being addicted to someone). I wish you luck.

I know i should be thinking about myself and leave . But I just can't let go . I keep thinking about the future i had thought of with him . I keep telling myself one day he will know that you didnt do any of it . Both of us want to leave each other . We know our relationship screams toxic . We know that we're killing ourselves. But we love each other so much . He accuses me i keep screaming and shouting and try to prove my innocence , he doesnt believe me we dont talk for a while and then one of us says i cant live without you and we'll make things work and we get back spend a little good time and another accusation comes up and hence the cycles continues . It is very difficult . I realise that we are addicted to each other . I really want to live the life i imagined with him . I dont know what to do . Im like the stubborn child who wants to eat ice-cream when he has a cold . But only that ice cream can make him feel better . And its the same for both of us . I dont know what to do anymore . Anything i do is going to hurt me majorly .