Problems regarding relationships with women

There is just something in you that he does not want in his life

Yes, this is definitely true. It's just so hurtful for me though...

I could certainly be happy if my ex was a happy person who loved life

You know, I think that X may well think this too, I don't know. My gut instinct tells me that he thinks I'm a bit of nut case...he invests a lot of energy in trying to convince himself that this is true. In fact, I'm sure that my texting him helps him to convince himself that this is true. If he does think the same...then boy, is HE missing out.

You sound a lot like my ex... I am sure I am missing out too but I guess I'll just pass. Remember I am like X, he probably prefers to pass as well and you should do the same. Every time he sets a bite for you and you go near him he probably sees that thing that he does not want and that is the reason why he pushes you away all of the sudden. I did the same with my ex several times until I just realized it was not going to go away and accepted it, just like X probably did, and how you should do
Perhaps the reason why you do not find your soul mate is because you are so obsessed over X, perhaps if you let go then you will open yourself to the world and the world will open up to you.

Yeah, but the difference here is that you HAD a relationship with your ex. It's a totally different situation for me. X and I have never had a relationship. He keeps stalling, forever coming up with excuses. If I text him, then he runs away or lets me know that I shouldn't go to see him for a few weeks. All he's REALLY doing is pushing me away. It's all he has EVER DONE. Trust me, he does want me to rock up and see him, and I have been now so many times, and each time...he either "pretends" he doesn't know me, or he verbally attacks me. YET, he keeps dragging me back. I'm so at the point of NOT believing him anymore. I think you're 100% right...he thinks he wants me, but as soon as I turn up and he's faced with me, he freezes and backs off. AND he does this by either pretending he doesn't know me, or just outright attacking. No sooner do I leave, that he starts ringing and hanging up on me.
Why do I put up with it? Because he is THE ONLY ONE who can emotionally move me. I've always thought, and still do think he is the loveliest thing I've ever seen. BUT, he keeps destroying my feelings, time and time and time AND TIME again. He's too busy trying to protect himself to see the degree and amount of pain he causes me. I just can't put up with it any more.

Crap...I'm off again. I constantly sway from feeling rage to feeling love: rage, love, RAGE, love, RAGE, love....and so the pattern goes on.

Yes, your'e right...it's very difficult to move on, but eventually I will.

Whoops, have to go watch my favourite show.

Every time he sets a bite for you and you go near him he probably sees that thing that he does not want

You are SPOT ON m.q.
And you know what I think it is that he DOESN'T WANT? .....The fear!

I just finished watching a fabulous special on TV on creating happy people. It's run by one of my lecturer's: I'm finishing off a master's in coaching psychology, and this guy is absolutely brilliant Great lecturer and great TV host too by the looks of it. What a pity the show isn't internationally shown: it should be! I cried during a segment where he got two women to right a letter to people that have hurt them in their lives. I know this technique, but watching it in action with people I don't know, is incredibly powerful. In fact...because I know all the stuff he bangs on about on the show, I forget the impact that these tools have on people. These 2 women had to write a letter of "forgiveness" to those who've hurt them. I cried whilst watching, because maybe that's what I should do with X. I have SO MUCH anger built up from his abuse, yet I'm pretty sure he does this because he feels hurt, frustrated and scared. In the scheme of things, whilst I feel confident in guessing why he behaves the way he does, it does nothing in alleviating my own pain about the whole situation. Yeah, I know...you're probably thinking why bother at all? One day when you're much older and you do meet people in your life that are soul mates, and soul mates are both genders so I'm not just referring to a 'partner' as such - you'll understand why persistence is SO important. Having said that...I'm not getting any younger, and I think 21 years is long enough to wait for someone. His behaviours haven't changed, which means I don't have any faith left in thinking they will. It's the same ol, same ol.....

Crap, X should've watched the show, but of course, I doubt he would've. Besides, even if he did watch it, he would've written it all off as crap.

O.K...enough about my situation. Let's get back to yours! You know, my writing on here is a result of what the host of this show gets people to do: write down their thoughts and feelings. It's incredibly powerful and healing. Don't worry...I don't expect you to respond to my banging on about X...it's more for me and my healing. Telling the world removes the pain of keeping it in. Why? Because I feel so cheated, so ripped off by X. The fact he refuses to work on himself is my REAL anger. Feeling fear, making mistakes is part of being human, but those who choose to IGNORE these behavioural anomalies, thus staying the same and being too arrogant to think they don't need self developing makes me REALLY angry.

Back to you m.q....

Don't worry...there's NO 'encore'....
Only 'anchor'...

Remember...this is "The House With No Schweppes".......

Hey there! I am almost as thrilled with your relationship with X as I am with mine. Before I start, what does "the house with no schweppes" mean?

WOW I feel great that you are doing a psychology major, you seem very passionate about this type of things.

You know, you may be watching too many of those shows. I am pretty sure that stuff works with you women. Actually no, it works for everyone. Correct me if I am wrong since you are the psychology major but everyone's favorite topic is himself. People could go on and on about their lives non stop for very long periods of time. I know, from personal experience, that talking about our problems leaves a great feeling of satisfaction, perhaps that is why you love blogging since you get to tell your story to a total stranger who is not going to judge you and will actually listen to your story and give you feedback without worrying about hurting your feelings or anything a real friend will worry about. It is a great therapy for sure.

I think you are right on everything you say but you are not understanding that men and women are two different beings. There is a book that I believe talks about this which I never got a chance to read but it seems extremely interesting, the book I believe is called "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus." I don't know if you have read it but it basically goes on and on about how men and women are different. It starts with an analogy saying that men come from a planet (Mars) where everything was logical and every problem needed to be fixed while women come from a planet (Venus) where everyone supports each other and all is emotional etc. If you read this, you will actually feel like the author is depicting everything you have done wrong in your relationships.
Ill be back in a few hours, I need to get off the computer... I have not finished my post yet

I am back.
As I was saying. You need to understand that men and women are different. I know you want all that emotion but men are just not like that. The fact that X could be much happier being with you does not mean that he is unhappy. I am sure he is very happy with the decision he took of staying away from you. Here is how he probably sees you:
I could be with Sweetcheeks and be loved but I will have to put up with X,Y,M,L,P,Q, and R problems.
or
I could be with my wife and still feel loved (perhaps not as much) and I do not have to put up with any of it.
I can assure you that he is not afraid of getting hurt. Perhaps he is just not that into you (like the movie).

Let me move away from my ex and talk to you about another girl I know and I have never been in a relationship with her:

So I met her about 6 years ago and we were initially friends and everything was fine but about 3 years ago I found out that she actually felt something for me through a friend. I was totally clueless and I really don't want a relationship with her. I kept on pretending that I never found out about her feelings for me and kept treating her as usual but I couldn't help it so one day it came to light. Since I am such a gentlemen *cough*cough* I had to take it as far as I could just to see what happened. Well, to this day she will still drop everything and come to me if I just give her a call. The problem is that after that whenever we were close I could feel that she wanted me and would try something at any given time and I was uncomfortable so I pushed her away most of the time we were together. I kept on talking to her but every time we met there it was again and I had to push her back. Now, she thinks I am afraid of relationships and commitment and that I am afraid of getting hurt - she actually told me. I know she thinks that I am not as happy with my current girl friend as I could be with her and she is probably right, I am sure she loves me more than my current girlfriend does but I just don't want her, and there is probably nothing she can do to change it. I know she probably is like; "but why did he set the bite for me if he did not want me? he must want me but he is just afraid and does not want to accept it." Sounds familiar? I hope she gets tired before she is 40 though.

My point? if he pushes you away there is a reason for it and you cannot change it. It will always be there no matter how happy he could be with you and how loved he will feel, he does not want it from you. He is not afraid of anything, he just does not care. I am not a psychologist and of course you are the professional so I feel a little uncomfortable telling you what is wrong... it is your job to know it.

About my relationship;
I went to pick her up today and we ate something and went to her apartment and did it again. This time I had a little problem getting my business done since yesterday I did not last very long so I was a little frustrated about that and I kept on thinking about this huge black guy with a big hairy belly while we were doing it and then I couldn't get it out of my head when I actually wanted to finish my stuff but she still loved it, I think it went better than yesterday. At the end she was exhausted and I hadn't finished yet but she made a last effort and I couldn't keep it in, thank god. I have never heard a girl scream as much as she does lol she gets too exited about it. We would be in trouble if we shared the apartment with anyone.

There is something I just can't get my head over yet, she still wanted the lights turned off and when I touched her clitoris again or her tits she screamed even more and slapped my hands. I don't know if it is because she is shy (that is what she told me) or she is afraid of losing all control. What am I frustrated about? She does not want me to look down when we are doing it and does not want me to see her or touch her, kinda weird since I am already inside her... I am pretty sure it should go away with time but do you think it is something I should be worried about?

You know, I'm not so sure that I do love psychology. I'm studying a mixture of psych & business subjects. I HATE the business stuff and the psych is a lot more difficult that I had anticipated but I'm getting through it. I only have 2 subjects to go thank god. To be honest, I HATE analysing anyone, and I was able to do this way before I studied anything. Learning psych teaches you nothing other than some fancy labels in which to place what you already know, if you're intuitive. I'm an only child so I had the luxury of having my own space in which to explore "me". I've spent my whole life getting to know me, and that's why I'm so in tune with emotions. Why do I tune into X's emotions, because I'm emotionally attached to him. If he got rid of all his #######4 and arrogance, he'd be someone I'd love to the end.

As for the house with no schweppes....LOL, we have a charity here, which obviously you don't have where you are called "The House with No Steps". The schweppes is a brand of soft drink. You can piece it together yourself.

Yes, I've read "Men are from Mars..." A lot of it is true but it's a generalisation to a large degree. I've read HEAPS of psych books over the years, and I might say are far more valuable than any psych text book. When I was a counsellor in the 90s, the Director shot me up to a trainer and coach on the phones with new trainees as they finished their training. The ones who had life experience mixed with a genuine love of the human psyche did very well. Guess who didn't? BINGO...the psych students. Most of them had NO listening skills, all they were trying to do was to "fit" the person on the phone into a "theory box", thus missing the whole experience. In fact, on a few occasions, some of the people wanting help would abuse the trainee for 'lack of skill'. They just couldn't connect to the person. It was ALL about them, rather than the client. That's why I'm struggling a bit with my masters. All I want is to GET THE TOOLS...but of course, the criteria is based on becoming an academic. I'm no longer interested in researching 100 journals and piecing it all together. Give me ONE or TWO pieces of info and I'll write about it. Lol. I'm far more interested in just knowing the facts. A lot of academic writing is nothing more than verbal masturbation. If can knock out 70% of the words: it's the 30% that gives you any real information.

Back to the book...there are many other books that are much better than ''Mars & Venus'. Yes, you're right in that men and women are different, but I think that "people" feel the same emotions. We all feel hurt, angry, happy, elated, anxious and so on. Emotions don't change because of your gender. What changes is your choice in managing and utilising all the emotions. Boys are taught to suppress emotions, and girls are taught to express them. You have a binary opposition here. We are socialised from birth. Boys play with trucks and girls play with dolls. This leads to very strict and controlled boundaries. It's this socialising process that is to the detriment of human happiness. It's actually incredibly toxic if you think about it. Men use logic to control their lives, and most women use emotion. The toxicity comes from mixing the two. People use logic to steer their lives, but the driving force which takes them down the lane of logic, is emotionally driven. Dale Carnegie has a good quote which is so true..."When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion." Great eh?

As for the show...the guy who runs it is the Director of the Coaching Psychology Department at my uni. Don't ever dismiss shows like this...only those who choose to stay emotionally ignorant would say that. My ex husband always reduced the books I read and my intuition to "crap". He used to say (after we split up)..."keep your psychological #######4 to yourself". AND of course...he is THE best example of "happiness"...NOT. He married a woman who he didn't want (she nags the $#%^ out of him), he stopped studying (almost finished a law degree); lost his house so now he rents; smokes like a chimney and drinks too much; and looks almost twice his age. BUT...he is the epitome of happiness. Even my kids don't see him anymore, both saying that "dad has gone to the dogs." Both my kids say that my ex is as arrogant as sh**, has NO self awareness, and BLAMES the entire world for his misfortunes. He is so emotionally stupid and unskilled that it's unbelievable. Here is a man who has been his own worst enemy. His ethos is based on 'fear', and so you have...a physical manifestation of what fear looks like. He created ALL his own sh** and blames anyone and everyone for it. And you know what? He also did and I'm sure he still does...USE LOGIC. Everything he does is logical, hence...logic is life's pathology... not emotion. Balance is what is required. Follow your emotion FIRST and use logic where it applies. When you drive into a car park, sure...turn left where you see the empty car spot. THAT''s logical. The irony is, with my ex husband, that he used logic to obtain the consequences of his fear, which is emotional. Crap, work that out.

I'll be back too. Must get on with the day.