Problems regarding relationships with women

Well...I can see your point. If she isn't ready - then SHE needs to BACK OFF and just be friends until she is ready. She's doing to you what X has always done to me, except he does it from a distance...A REAL DISTANCE. If I were you, I'd be putting the brakes on and stopping all forms of physical contact. Let her make the move on you when she's ready. I still think there may well be a lack of honesty on her part. Personally, I don't believe the story that she doesn't want you to think she's "easy". If she actually thought that, then she wouldn't be all over you like a rash, then pushing you away. It's not right, so you now need to take control of the situation and make a decision. Either be her friend until she is ready, or walk away. Let's face it...to me it reeks of "sexual contract", nothing more. She is not the girl you will spend the rest of your life with, so make a decision based on this knowledge. If you're not sure, then play it her way.

As for X...there is a LOT more to it. It's about reading between the lines. There are things I haven't mentioned, only because it's just too long to write about. The only reason I write all my stuff is my own therapy (sorry, but it is). I wouldn't be bothered writing all my stuff down for me alone, there needs to be an audience. It allows me to see what I'm going through from an outside perspective, and it has helped. He does ring and hang up, that I've had confirmed - there's a reason he does it. What I have seen through all my writing is that he is very confused, angry and out of emotional control. Having said this, I can only believe what he tells me. He can't have it both ways, besides, you're right in that I have absolutely no interest in him whilst he is with someone else.

All I can say now is that I'm looking forward to meeting the man I will spend the rest of my life with. I know he's out there somewhere...he will be honest, full of fun, smiles, love and laughter who'll adore me as much as I'll adore him. I don't know where he is, or how long it will be before I meet him, but he IS out there somewhere. It's just a matter of time

You know what, I completely agree with you... I have sort of stepped away from what I said about being distant from her but I will stick to it from now on. I will stop trying so hard to be with her... if she wants me here I am... its her decision and I'll stop trying... perhaps if she feels I no longer care she will do something about it... I'm sure it would feel really weird not to be desired all of the sudden. I would walk away but I don't really have anything better to do with my time so I'll just wait and see what happens.

About X... I don't really understand why he does the things he does and why you still feel attracted to him... I have only been able to build two scenarios:
1) The guy is mentally unstable so he stalks women until they go insane. - If this is the case, how did you fall in love with a mentally unstable guy.
or
2) You are a very normal woman that tries to make up excuses to convince herself that the guy actually wants her.

I find it very hard to believe that a 40 years old man is confused... he could be angry but we could put the fact that you could be obsessed over him for one of the possible reasons... and out of emotional control, hmmm that does not sound like a man with a wife but it is possible, still, what does it has to do with you?
The guy clearly is not interested in you and that is a fact. If he does not want you there is no reason for him to lie or elaborate metaphors for you... don't read in between the lines because there is nothing to read... just stick to the lines themselves.

Good advice m.q...for both me and you

Make no mistake...just because someone is in their 40s doesn't mean that they aren't confused. One of my closest friends and her husband (the one who loves her husband but too angry to have any intimacy with him)are PRIME examples. Her husband has left 'the girlfriend' and wants to come back to my friend (his wife of 23 years). She is with someone else, but NOW feels totally confused. On one hand she has a guy (who isn't anything other than a comfortable sock for her) who is quite emotionally intelligent and skilled but isn't her soul mate, and on the other hand, she now has her husband back who is a total EMOTIONAL MUTE but does love him. So, now she doesn't know what to do because she's enjoying the emotional nurturing that she's missed out on for the last 23 years with the new guy. Mind you, we went out for breakfast yesterday and she told me that she only sleeps with the new guy once a fortnight, and doesn't actually want sex with him. She said she makes "the effort" but there are problems for him. He is only 39 and she is 52. The husband is also confused but for different reasons....long story so I won't bang on about it, what's the point

As for X...yes, I will stick to "The lines" themselves, and forget reading between them. At the end of the day, they don't amount to anything anyway...never have and clearly never will. To be honest - he makes no effort to come to me, so why should I make any effort? I'm the female in any case. It's HIS job to do the chasing (sorry but I'm from the old school). Besides, my father told me when I was 14 yrs old that I was to NEVER chase anyone. My dad said if the boy doesn't come after you then he DOESN'T WANT YOU. At the time, I was keen on a guy who was 16, and my father didn't trust him because he drove a panel van. Lol My dad really liked him actually but didn't trust him. It was a funny story at the time. My point? My dad was NEVER WRONG ever! And so, it's time I listened to his great advice. My whole scenario in fact, is living proof of just how right my dad was.

And YOUR DECISION to stay cool? Good on you. Don't ignore her or stay away, just be her friend and see what happens. I wouldn't be deliberately staying away from her, just don't initiate any physical movement other than maybe holding hands (but that's emotional actually). She may well back off from you if you avoid her, because her "real" test will have been proved in her eyes. It's all about whether or not you want to wait. This implies that you have reasonably deep feelings for her. If you don't then stay away like you said and see what happens. If you don't care about her dumping you if you do that, then don't worry about it. As I said...I think you're only in it for the sex with benefits on the side (i.e her easy to be with aura). You're NOT in it for 'her aura' as such with sex as the side benefit.

BTW...just to add something funny to my blogging...I got a " Lecture" from my youngest son earlier on spending way too much time blogging. He thinks I'm avoiding what I should be doing, which is setting up my art business and working towards that. Talk about 'Add Fab" in the house. Lol

Well ya when I say I will stay off I mean to hold her hand and all that stuff but avoid any sexual action or anything like that, not ignoring her. And well if she is testing me she already know I do not want to wait... that is sort of a given. And seeing if I have deep feelings for her... I wouldn't go that far... I mean how deep could my feelings be towards a person I met 3 weeks ago? I do not expect anything different from her... If any of us walks away from the relationship at this point I do not believe anyone would be really affected, it would be more like; well, bad luck.

Oh, I guess I did not say but when I said that I find it hard to believe that a 40 years old man is confused I did really mean MAN. I am sure your friend is confused, as for her husband... I still find it hard to believe, I guess he would be like "damn I screwed up" but he knows very well what he wants.

About X, you are right, if he is not going after you it probably means that he does not want you. Our parents are always right.

Look, it is easy to think as a man, you just ask yourself what would be the easiest and less troubled way to do things and that is the answer to your question... love and soul mates don't really matter. Men are practical creatures that love solving problems efficiently. Haven't you find yourself complaining to your husband about whatever happened at your job seeking his support and you get an answer like "don't put the purse there next time"?... I know you could find that very irritating but that is just our nature, we want to solve problems. So if the problem is "I am single", I will find the easiest way to solve it efficiently.

You see in the case of your friend she is worried about love and her soul-mate and all that good stuff but her husband is just going for the easiest and less troubled way of being with a woman.
-He could either go through all the trouble of dating and looking for another woman.
or
-Just go back to his old wife.
If it were me I would just go back to my wife... that would be much easier. Of course there would be some other factors like the years we spent together but the real reason is mainly because it is the easiest way.

The same thing is probably happening with X,
-He can either stay with his wife who probably doesn't complaint much because she cannot communicate, he probably got it easy with her.
or
-Be with you with all your complicated life of a very smart and intellectual woman.
If it were me I would just stick to the easy life.

I deeply believe that all of us (men) have love and soul-mates on the very bottom of the list of things we are looking for. I would rate Companionship, Sex, and Support in the top 3 with different orders depending on the person.

...how deep could my feelings be towards a person I met 3 weeks ago?

Bless...you're 18, you have a MOUNTAIN of living to do, and many many experiences yet to come. I saw an interview with Michael Caine (famous actor, which you may know) a few weeks ago. In the interview he said that he saw his wife for the first time on a T.V commercial and said to his flat mate...THERE SHE IS! "I have to find her, I want to marry this girl". The flat mate said back to him..."What are you, mad?" So, Michael Caine went across to the other side of the world after trying to locate her, and guess what? He did exactly what he set out to do. They've been married ever since. In fact, he said in the interview, that he still loves her as much as he did then, if not more. Love can, and does happen that way for a proportion of the population.

You know, I remember overhearing a conversation between my mother and her friend shortly before my wedding (almost 30 years ago). They didn't know I was almost ready to walk into the room, so they didn't know I was there listening. I overheard my mother's friend say to my mother..."what will happen when she falls in love?" Hmmm, at the time I didn't understand what she was on about or why she would've said that. Whilst I knew I didn't love my husband to be, I didn't know what love was. Like you, I thought to myself...what else could there be, I had companionship, sex and support. Easy peasy AND, you know what happened as the years rolled on? The "weak basis of the relationship, meaning companionship, sex and support became much weaker as time went on. The sex became INTOLERABLE. I'd cry every time he wanted to touch me. Why? Because there was no chemistry (albeit, I didn't know exactly what that meant at the time, so nothing to compare it to), so during times of insecurity, as my ex husband had - his paranoia mixed with complacency, as well as his inability to ever say "I love you" - became toxic. We were friends, but he wanted a 'mother' not a wife, and so many problems arose as time went on. I became angrier and angrier, which in the end killed the sex and the caring. In other words...there was NO foundation on which to fall back on, only a frame, a couple of windows and a roof. The windows were solid, and so was the frame AND so was the roof, BUT, If there are no foundations, all of it will cave in.

I'm not going to speculate X's thoughts or even behaviours any more. He IS NOT the Michael Caine story I was so hoping he'd be 20 years ago. He's not even almost close. He no doubt wants complacency and subserviency. Good luck to him. It's as boring as batshit, but hey... some people love to live boring lives. What they're really doing of course, is locking themselves away in their cage of fear. There's a quote, but can't remember it exactly, however - it says something along the lines of ..."those with the picket fence, 2.5 kids who go camping once a year and get the gold watch after working for 50 years in a bank, are mad!" In other words, living a life in a straight jacket is not only an anomaly, it's pathological according to both Salvador Dali, and Einstein. Anyway, hope all this makes sense.

Good on you for recognising your situation, it's a good thing, not bad.

You know m.q...you're right to a certain degree in that choosing a relationship that is "easy" does have merit on some level. The problem is I've lived through 2 relationships based on "No Risk" factors. They are so UNfulfilling that they practically put me into a coma. One thing is FOR SURE...you can NOT sustain a enjoyable sex life with someone who doesn't move you emotionally. Been there, done that...I can not and will never do that again. I'd rather be on my own.

I know for me, that I can't see me ever falling for someone else the way I fell for X. That scares me more than anything. All I can do is talk myself into believing that there will be someone out there with whom I can have a happy relationship so long as they won't expect a full commitment. To be honest, the writing was on the wall 20 years ago. The fact that X put out the bait and then couldn't remember me when I responded WAS the warning sign. I was so stupid to not read it. I had a friend who did: she said "forget him, he doesn't want you."

The fact that he thinks there needs to be "the right setting" in which he feels comfortable is an excuse. he has so many of them, it's phenomenal. He loves the idea of me chasing him, but refuses to unblock whatever the problem is that stops him from taking the endless opportunities that have been available. I know I'll be waiting a life time...AND...no matter how many times I go to see him, he will ALWAYS have a reason to block. He will NEVER acknowledge me, or think about the impact of what he's doing. In fact, twice when I went to see him - he gave me the loveliest smile. It was so lovely I just cried on the way home. However, no sooner does he "open" up for a split second, that he closes it all down and turns to Dr.Jekyll. Sometimes, I see the difficulty in his eyes, and the reality is...it just breeds anomalies. I still think it's kinder to let him go, let him be with his chosen 'wife, girlfriend, prostitute...whatever she is to him'. She is the one that he wants, even if she isn't his soul mate...and clearly she isn't. Sorry...just venting so I can read it all back and take it in.

Crap...off to a party, and I can see I really am a blog-a-holic, because I'm going to be really late.

Well to be honest I thought a relationship like mine was a good one and that we would actually grow happier instead of the other way around. I feel tempted to wonder if this thing of not enjoying sex because of deep feeling is mostly applied to women and in that case I really hope she feels something for me deep down. Anyhow, I will make sure I have given it a long time before I even start thinking of marriage, long enough to let anything that could go wrong happen.

I want to keep writing but I am about to crash... I need to sleep. But before I go, I wanted to ask you what would make this girl do this thing where she is all over me and all of the sudden wants me to stop with all the hand slapping etc? What would make you do that if it was you?

Crap...I've got a bit of a headache I have to say...a little too much alcohol after today's party. And of course...I've come back to
"The House With No Schweppes"....

...a relationship like mine was a good one and that we would actually grow happier instead of the other way around

O.K...back to business.

Would I do what you're talking about? No, I wouldn't. You know, it's hard to speculate why she is doing what she is doing. Maybe she's had a bad experience in the past and it stops her; perhaps you're NOT THE ONE and she intuitively feels that but she isn't fully conscious of it; maybe she really likes you and is "afraid" of it for fear of getting too close...it's the old "F" word again. Perhaps she is afraid of intimacy. Many people are, usually men though, but hey...I'm sure there are women who are too. There doesn't seem to be any point in asking her why she does it, because she'll give you the same excuse as she did the first time. I personally don't believe her reasoning, but hey...who am I to judge. If she's younger than you, then I can understand: it's a big thing for a girl of her age.
Lol, I have to say the image of the hand slapping is funny...

Sorry...I think you need to step back and observe. There is a problem there by the sounds of it. Then again, there is one more theory...perhaps she's angry at a past boyfriend, and never released the anger, so she is unconsciously making you pay for it. Don't laugh, plenty of people do this. I do it...I don't realise I do it until some time later. In fact, I keep making X pay for all the hurt he causes me (mind you, it's always verbal..I get angry and lash out and of course, it's totally counter productive). Hard to see when you've in the moment. I so hate his fear, it's so destructive. Sorry, I won't bang on about him as much.

Hope this helps

whoops, completely forgot about the quote...

..a relationship like mine was a good one and that we would actually grow happier instead of the other way around

Looking at what you've said here, I rest my case: you MUST have chemistry, and I'm not just talking about sexual, it needs to be mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. I know, sounds "deep", but hey...I do think that real chemistry is made up of all these domains. You see, you're not really into her in the true sense. You'd know if you were. There'd be absolutely NO QUESTION...like, "what is love" or "is she my soul mate" etc. You'd have those answers immediately. The fact you don't know means the answer is no. Then again, you may well be trying to convince yourself that she isn't for fear of 'feeling it'. Again...some people are afraid of spiritual intimacy etc. I don't think this is the case with you though. My point here is to emphasise the analogy with the house and it's poor foundations. It's going sour quickly, in fact very quickly for you, because the foundations are weak. What you've said just highlights my point.

Direct from "The House With No Schweppes"....