Problems regarding relationships with women

Dear Sweetcheeks and Mrquestion,
The two of you have completely taken over someones else's thread. The OP no longer seems to post here. I find that sad personally.
Since you here now and the Op seems to be gone, I'll let this go. It is great that the two of you have hit it off and seem to be supporting one another.But please keep in mind in the future to respect others cry for helps and not hijack the threads that they started.
Take care,
One

Hmm... I see what you mean I think I could sort of relate to it in my relationship with my ex. She continuously teases me and when I try to actively respond she takes a step back, let things cool down, and do it again. It hasn't been this way for the last 20 years but I guess it is a similar process to what you have been going through. I don't know about X but what exactly attracts him to you? good lover? good looks? I must say I highly doubt it is his love for you. Anyways as you explained his relationship with you I totally understand that he could be afraid of being hurt or whatever his fear is but you said this has been going up since u two were in your 20s? It seems very strange that he would be afraid of you at his 20s. I know that you have it very clear in your head that he is afraid of you but has you stopped for a second to think that his fear could just be your excuse for his lack of interest? I can imagine that during 20 years of this game you have tons of reasons to think that he is just afraid but its just something to think about.
Here is a thing, my ex totally knows I am into her but if she actually tries to get back with me there is no way I would do that and if I do I will break up with her 2 days later... I can easily imagine her relationship with me going back and forth for 20 years and she will know for sure that I am scared of her and come to a forum like this saying that J is afraid of her but there is just no way on earth that I could be in a relationship with her... call it fear or whatever you want to call it, being with her is depressing with all her complaints so yeah, I am afraid of her, but I don't want a relationship with her and that won't change. As a matter of fact, the last time we were together it was her who basically begged me to come back and I knew I would get tired of her ways but I expected her to have changed... guess what happened 4 days later? We broke up again.
Maybe there is something on you that he does not know how to deal with so he staying away from a relationship with you. I cannot deal with all her problems and all her complaints so I just avoid her

Aww I am sorry for taking over I was just really interested on the topic since the problem being described was very similar to mine and I totally got carried away.

No problem. Because the Original poster is not active here, I don't see any harm. If the Op was trying to communicate between you and sweetcheeks conversation it would have been different. So this is just a little heads up for the future.
Happy Day,
One

Thanks onebravegirl for the insight. I can see the original poster has gone, so no harm done. Go with the flow I say ...

As for X...it's very complicated, and he doesn't know me. That's half the problem. I'm quite sure he lives off assumptions. To be honest, I don't know, and am actually really tired of trying to figure him out. All I know is that he is angry with me, and I don't know why. At least that is what he is projecting. Personally, I think he is angry with himself and can't see it. It's easier to blame me than do any real reflecting. He doesn't see all the hurt and crying I go through because of his behaviour. I've tried strategies to try and break down the anger, but none of them work I do think it's fear, but hey...I can only speculate based on life experience, intuition and knowledge. It just makes me sad to watch him slowly kill something that could've and would've been wonderful. There are many nuances that I don't write about, so it's hard to get the full picture. Crap...I don't really understand the full picture.

I have to agree though...I don't know whether he is truly interested in me to the degree I would like. He has told me he's not interested, but keeps baiting me. I don't know why anymore. He gives masses of mixed messages. Too many to read accurately. I'm at a total loss and far more confused than ever. As for his age, yes I initially thought being in your 40s makes you wise, but I also know that some people carry anger a whole lifetime without letting it go. I don't think he is carrying life time anger, but rather anger at his fear of wanting to connect with me, but never actually doing it. After the flood of tears that I experience after he's been nasty to me, I do see that it's a mixture of pain and self anger. He doesn't know how to channel it...I wish I could help him, but he won't let me.

To be honest, I'm equally afraid of him now (only of late)...afraid of his tempers and attacks. I so don't deserve what he dishes out, and I get angry at the fact that he is killing a potentially great love story. There is nothing I can do about it though. He keeps trying to change my behaviour, but it's his attitude that he needs to change. All I do is go and see him. I waste my time, petrol, bridge toll money and all I get is anger in return.

Anyway...weren't we initially talking about you? Have to get back to work, so will come back a bit later.

Ya I guess we were talking about me but I like to know where my advices come from.
When you say that he wants you to change your behavior that sounds a lot like my ex and me and you clearly disagree with him, same as my ex disagrees with me, she thinks I take life for granted and I take things too easy, and she believes I am wrong while I believe she is wrong, either way, our behaviors are not going to change. You may consider that the reason why he does not want to be with you is silly and that is why you say it is fear, but I really have a hard time believing that is true and the correct definition could be fear but not in the context you are talking about. Although men and woman are made of the same stuff you must agree that we have very different thought process. Love and being emotionally hurt etc etc is a big thing for most women but it is not the case for men. Once we get past the first couple of girlfriends we are not really worried about getting hurt or any of that stuff. In my very personal case I mostly avoid trouble and the beautiful love story is not really that important. I am pretty sure that I could have a beautiful love story with my ex but I am not willing to go through all the trouble. But that does not mean that I will just stop liking her... it's just not worth the trouble in my opinion. My ex probably does not consider that my excuse of her being so irritating with all her problems is a valid one so I am pretty sure the believes I am afraid of her... and she could be right... I mean if you really look at it, is a very lousy excuse. I am not afraid at all of getting hurt or anything but she has a sign of trouble on her forehead and that may be what X is seeing in you.
I don't really know the details of your story so I can't really tell but I do not really think fear is the complete answer.
Oh and going back to my story for a second, my girlfriend is starting be somehow jealous that most of my friends are female... is it something I should worry about? I have given her no reason to think that she should worry but how would you feel if most of your boyfriend's friends are female?

Oh crap...I just posted a heap of stuff and it didn't save.

O.K...can't go over everything I just wrote so here is a brief version...

I'm going to leave X alone in bringing him up all the time. There are heaps of nuances that just aren't worth going into. All I can say is that don't underestimate the power of fear. I don't know whether he is fearful of me or not: my guess is that he's built up a character analysis of me that I'll bet makes me out to be some terrifying demon. I might be wrong, but I also think that X uses fear to get results. If he does, then it's because he is focused on fear. I don't know, and honestly - I'm getting tired of trying to work him out. All I know is what I see. I wish I could help him overcome whatever the problem is, but he won't let me. I'll bet if I cuddled him it would all disappear. Problem is...how to get him to do that? I don't think he's afraid of me as such...it's more about what I represent. Don't know...I just wish he'd hurry up and get over it!

I'll just share this though... in 2004, I went out with a CEO of a multinational company. This guy had offices all over the country and overseas. He was incredibly smart, scholastic, great social skills, HEAPS of money, but guess what? Like many men...was afraid of intimacy. Mind you, he could never make me feel like X made me feel. I always compared, and this guy just didn't really do it for me. Maybe this had an impact, but he told me once that my intuition scared him. I found that amazing. It's all about simply being able to read emotions, know your own, and have courage. So, I let him go after 9 months. It might've been different if there was chemistry but there actually wasn't. Point is...he was fearful!

O.K...now your story #2 - Jealousy

Yes, it kills! Jealousy can rip you apart and create self defeating behaviour. If you get jealous - then you're back to focusing on FEAR. Make no mistake, fear KILLS !! Can't say it enough. I have a couple of male friends, one is married. I wouldn't even ALMOST think about anything other than friendship with either one. I've never been with anyone that has caused me to be jealous. The only one that has the power to make me jealous is X. AND he does. I hate it . Anyway...jealousy can be contained depending on how you treat your partner. It's all based on how you treat her and how you feel about her. This will level off as you get older. At your age, it'll be an issue for sure. It usually is in your teens. Should you be worried? Only if it gets out of hand to the point of ridiculousness. Her reaction is perfectly normal. Again, communication is the key. The more you two communicate, the better contained this will become. Don't forget, at your age, you don't have enough relationship experience to feel comfortable with 'perceived threats' (for one of a better term). Relationships are all about learning to communicate, learning to trust, be sensitive, develop awareness and respect (for self and the other), it's about many, many things. You're only starting out here, so start talking with each other to find out why she is jealous. Then, go from there. Certainly don't throw away any of your female friends, but talk about the issue so you can manage it.

Hope this helps. Crap...my last post was better, but never mind. God, it's not so brief after all. I type over 80 wpm, so it doesn't take long

Wow that is cool, I want to date a rich woman. I don't have it very clear what fear of intimacy is... it sounds a lot like he is afraid of getting his pants off... just saying... what was the issue with the guy?
And well you say that X sees you as an evil presence lol As a matter of fact, when I picture my ex I sort of see her like this cure little girl with all this dark presence surrounding her that seems like it is going to swallow you. I guess it is fear what keeps me away... or rather her behavior? X seems like a really cool guy... I wonder what he did to keep you hooked for over 20 years and still make you want to drop everything and run away with him You are not one of those creepy women that obsess over guys are you? he must be a genius.

Hey, I just came back from her home and I am sort of angry so I decided I would share with you.
We were in our stuff you know kissing and hugging and touching and all the goodies and I actually got rid of her clothes leaving her only with her panties. The problem is that she keeps slapping my hands off and jumping when I touch her. I mean it was sort of cute the first 4 or so times but it is just getting frustrating. Towards the end of my stay I was seriously thinking about ending our relationship right there but I took a deep breath and decided to go. I did not show anger or anything to her but she certainly knew I was not happy when I left. I basically gave her a kiss when I was about to leave and left without saying anything.
I know you think I should not push it but I felt like if it was just a game to her of me trying to get her and she running away. I think she even enjoys it and I can't really play it anymore. Now at least she knows it is no longer funny to me, maybe she would act on it. I will totally limit myself to kissing her and I won't go up to her apartment anymore unless she literally asks me to and still I will limit myself to kissing her. Lets see how much she enjoys it when I stop caring.

O.K #1...X

Lol, you're quite funny mrquestion
I think X would love it if I was obsessed! BTW...the word "obsessed" suggests I have a problem: it's no more of a 'problem' than his. I'd go visit him a lot more but I don't. I stay away from him for months, because of his behaviour. However, I end up taking his baits. The greatest part of me wishes he'd just be himself. The OTHER part of me knows that he is "hiding" his true identity because of fear. The old "F" word AGAIN. I won't go round in circles about him anymore, it gets a bit monotonous, and the fact I've wanted him for 20 years? Well, I have a theory that once bitten, YOU'RE BITTEN! You haven't experienced love at first sight, so it would be difficult to understand what I'm talking about. I'm also an only child so failure is NOT an option for me. Mind you, I know when to stop flogging a dead horse...I'm just making sure it's not in a coma.

If you're lucky enough to actually experience love at first sight...think of me when it happens. Then all the pennies will drop.

#2...Hmmm you're pushing her!!

How long has it been now, 2 weeks and 2.5 days?
You know, some couples don't get into sex for weeks, then vwalla! It all goes swimmingly well. To be honest - i think you're using her for sex only. Yeah, sure - she's nice and fun. Isn't that part of the sexual contract?
I think you need to face the fact that what you have here is a "sexual contract"...nothing more. Prime example...me and X. I'm still waiting for him to acknowledge me god dammit! He hasn't in 20 years...he only baits me from a distance. So, you see - my contract is completely different to yours. You need to be really cystal clear about what sort of a contract you're entering.

Hope this makes sense.