How do you win back somebody with HPD? Does my ex have it?

what does she want: she wants love and acceptance. what are you giving her: you're giving her contracts and rules and trying to control her life - you're trying to put her in a straitjacket. it doesn't really matter how you dress this up. it's all the same at the end of the day.

me, personally, i don't tune my message to get the result that i want. i'd consider that to be insincere. i'll guess your idea of honesty is a little more flexible than mine. but i am an aspie.

I used to just say what I meant, but I found that people took offense at that. I was told I was too blunt and I needed to consider people's feelings before I spoke.

That may be what she wants, shock_the_monkey, but she told me she wanted something different: I was honest with her from the beginning about what I wanted, and she only pretended to want the same thing in order to get what she wanted, in some misguided way. That's insincere.

If she didn't want to be controlled, or sign a contract, she didn't have to be my sub, it's that simple. I was honest about what being my sub meant-and it's pretty normal for a D/s relationship. I'm not going to compromise what I want out of a relationship for her sake. If she doesn't want that, she doesn't have to be in a relationship with me, I'm not forcing her into anything. We could just be lovers, as I said. As lovers, I wouldn't try to control her at all. But she called herself my sub, and that's entirely different. I'm not trying to get her to sign a contract at all anymore, I've realized that that's not what she really wants.



So now, she's showing screenshots of our conversation to a third party, a third party that she always was telling me thought everything I was doing was bogus until I talked to her and found it that wasn't true, and got me in trouble with said third party, because I warned her that said third party was, according to a fourth party, known for playing games and trying to break people up by lying about them. But now, she told third party that I warned her not to trust her, and now third party is pissed off at me, and third party talked to fourth party about what I said they told me, which they denied, which is causing drama between third party and fourth party and me.

I'm just so done with this drama that she keeps dragging me into. Seriously. It's like, a never ending roller coaster of ridiculousness. And I know I'm engaging in it, and I need to stop entertaining it.

i think she hasn't the maturity to understand the consequences of her actions. and i think she hasn't the maturity to understand herself either. and that's the whole problem here, like i said: she's a child.

of the whole sub thing, you misunderstand her intent. it was a term of endearment. nothing more.

what else do you want me to say here?

It's definitely not a term of endearment when you change your status to "submissive of Younglife", tell everybody that you're their Dom, and tell everybody that they're sleeping with that they need to get your permission first because they're your Dom. She was very serious about us being in a D/s relationship, as I was, she just wasn't serious about what that meant, and that's the problem. Like you said, she is a child. I didn't realize how much so until now.

Younglife wrote:Like you said, she is a child. I didn't realize how much so until now.

... well, that sounds like it might be progress. if I were you, i'd let that percolate for a while. this thread will be here, should you feel the need to come back to it.

by the way, i jumped all over you a bit because i thought that was obvious. perhaps it wasn't.

But how do you talk to somebody who can legitimately not comprehend anything they're doing is a bad idea or is wrong without losing your mind?

Younglife wrote:But how do you talk to somebody who can legitimately not comprehend anything they're doing is a bad idea or is wrong without losing your mind?

... i guess the answer to that is carefully. for sure, you know you can't confide in her about other people. you need to learn to not be too emotionally invested in her too. otherwise, for sure, you will go crazy. you also need to learn to suggest rather than tell. in short, don't give her any matches to play with. and if she does set fire to anything, make sure you're not responsible for putting the fire out. with a little gentle guidance, i'm hoping she'll learn. but you can't live her life for her. all you can do, and i know this is going to sound ironic, is try to be a good example to her.

Hello,

I read your post and I want to say something, I hope you don’t feel offended. I think you should be aware of the fact you have to be capable to trust each other if you plan to play BDSM games together. It is not a simple situation because you will cross your boundaries both physically and psychically. Do you both know what you will do if something unexpected happen, you should think about that.

You told your ex-girlfriend is very traumatized. You maybe want to reconsider the whole thing. I think you should be a stable person when you plan to play BDSM games.

Dahlia

She doesn't look up to me anymore. She told me today that I'm a horrible person. Because I told her what a friend told me about her friend not being trustworthy. She thinks I said so because I was jealous, but I told her because I didn't want her to believe any lies that her friend might have been saying about me.

The whole thing is a mess. It was incredibly stupid of me to seduce her in the first place. I knew it would end disastrously, but I didn't care at the time. Now I've lost the only real close friend I had, and everybody else is pissed at me too. This always inevitably happens to me. I never try to piss everybody off, but I always manage to somehow. I don't think I'm meant to have a social life.

I don't think I'm a good example, nor do I think I can help her. I don't think I care much anymore. I think I have enough issues to deal with myself. I need to work on myself before I can be any kind of good example for her. She can have the space she needs, all I can do is pray for her and try to be a better person myself. I'm just going to go back to being a loner. I don't need this in my life right now. I've deleted my social media again and I'm going to be avoiding everybody for a long while until I get my crap together.

As for BDSM I'm not planning on doing anything with anybody. She can do whatever the heck she wants.

Younglife wrote:She doesn't look up to me anymore. She told me today that I'm a horrible person. Because I told her what a friend told me about her friend not being trustworthy. She thinks I said so because I was jealous, but I told her because I didn't want her to believe any lies that her friend might have been saying about me.

... you did what you thought was right. you cared about her enough to put yourself on the line to protect her. you just can't feel bad about this. people will get to know her for who she is, just as you have. you can't trust her, and neither will they.

Younglife wrote:The whole thing is a mess. It was incredibly stupid of me to seduce her in the first place. I knew it would end disastrously, but I didn't care at the time. Now I've lost the only real close friend I had, and everybody else is pissed at me too. This always inevitably happens to me. I never try to piss everybody off, but I always manage to somehow. I don't think I'm meant to have a social life.

... i have to say you're one of the most honest posters that i've come across. i have to really admire that. curiosity kills but is there any chance that you're on the spectrum?

Younglife wrote:I don't think I'm a good example, nor do I think I can help her. I don't think I care much anymore. I think I have enough issues to deal with myself. I need to work on myself before I can be any kind of good example for her. She can have the space she needs, all I can do is pray for her and try to be a better person myself. I'm just going to go back to being a loner. I don't need this in my life right now. I've deleted my social media again and I'm going to be avoiding everybody for a long while until I get my crap together.

... i knew you'd say this. well, at least the bit about being a good example. i'm sorry that this has all blown up in your face. it can't have been a good experience. but you just have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again. perhaps, and i'm only saying this to try to be helpful, what you need to do is find some friends with a lot more maturity. in other words, too much focus on fun mightn't be a good thing for you in the long run.

Younglife wrote:As for BDSM I'm not planning on doing anything with anybody. She can do whatever the heck she wants.

... is this whole BDSM thing what you really want? i'm not wanting to judge here but it sure wouldn't appeal to me. it just sounds too contrived.