How do you win back somebody with HPD? Does my ex have it?

that wasn't what i meant. i think your tendency to want everything pre-defined will mean that you'll try even harder to set more and preciser boundaries. i think you're already limiting your experience of life because of this and that you're just going to go off and dig a deeper hole for yourself (with or without her).

How am I limiting myself? I'm happier than most people are. I am already content with my life and I have no need for a relationship. If I want a relationship, I'm not going to settle for something I'm not happy with. What's wrong with wanting something specific, or not wanting something at all? I'm not much of a relationship type, have been there, done that, several times-usually because people were always pressuring me and saying I need to "settle down" and get a boyfriend. I don't like it. It has NEVER worked out, never made me happy even when it was working. I know most people are desperate to find their "other half", but I'm not one of them. I'm a loner and I enjoy spending time alone. For the longest time I decided I was going to stay single, until I found out about D/s relationships. Now I'm open to trying that kind of relationship, but nobody is going to convince me again that I need to try a regular relationship, because I already have and guess what? They stink, and more than half of them end in divorce. It doesn't seem to be working out very well for the mass majority so I don't know why I would want to follow that route when I'm perfectly happy just being single anyway. It's not just that I'm afraid of intimacy, I just feel no desire for being in a romantic relationship to begin with. So it would be kind of like adopting a dog when I don't even want a dog. What's the point of that? I find more satisfaction from throwing myself into my work and spending my time that way, and I don't see how it's anybody else's concern what I do with my life or how I spend my time. It's weird to me that people are so focused on relationships. I really don't get it at all. I don't see the point of relationships.

i was thinking that too but in a different way.if i can't feel in love,i don't want to settle with someone i feel less .
but you really wouldn't mind being alone forever if you were unable to find what you want?
let's say the years pass and noone ever wanted to be your sub the way you wanted.
you wouldn't mind being alone forever?

my view of life is undoubtedly very different to yours. i'm just telling you what i see from my perspective.

it's interesting that you've taken my observations in the context of a romantic relationship, because i never said that at all. i can only think you've mis-interpreted the bit in brackets, which i only put in there to emphasise your prior mis-interpretation. my bad, i guess.

me, one of my top priorities is freedom: mine and everyone else's. i simply wouldn't want to have the kind of constrained relationships that you appear to want. they would quite simply be an anathema to me. and, here's the bit you're missing: i mean with everyone.

@ shock_the_monkey can i ask you too .what if you couldn't fall in love .would you settle?
i am curious about your opinion.
or you would wait for "the ideal"

-- Mon May 07, 2018 12:59 am --

i mean i think she says she can't feel anything unless is that d/s. so she gets it to the extreme.
but what if it was something less extreme.or more logical.
for example i can't feel anything unless.. should i settle because i will never find that

julllia wrote:can i ask you too .what if you couldn't fall in love .would you settle?
i am curious about your opinion.
or you would wait for "the ideal"

... all i've ever wanted is someone that i can love and care for who would love and care for me too. to date, there have been two women that fit the first two criteria. the first met the fourth criteria too. so, no, i wouldn't settle, as in accept anything less. but i'm by no means looking for anything ideal, or perfect. now, i'm not quite sure that answers your question, however, it's my best stab at it.

julllia wrote:i mean i think she says she can't feel anything unless is that d/s. so she gets it to the extreme.
but what if it was something less extreme.or more logical.
for example i can't feel anything unless.. should i settle because i will never find that

... i think she's being deeply contradictory, and i think it's fear.

julllia wrote:i was thinking that too but in a different way.if i can't feel in love,i don't want to settle with someone i feel less .
but you really wouldn't mind being alone forever if you were unable to find what you want?
let's say the years pass and noone ever wanted to be your sub the way you wanted.
you wouldn't mind being alone forever?

Not at all. I have been alone most of my life anyway. That's when I feel most comfortable. In fact, most of the time, people just get on my nerves and I wish they would go away. The few people I do like, I could take them or leave them. I don't feel like I need them on any level, and I certainly don't feel that way about somebody I've never met. It's about 50/50 for me, I'd be equally happy staying single the rest of my life as I would be finding the perfect person to marry. But they have to be perfect for me, and really add something to my life, which I know is a tall order, or else I would rather just stay single, because I'm already happy as is.

shock_the_monkey wrote:my view of life is undoubtedly very different to yours. i'm just telling you what i see from my perspective.

it's interesting that you've taken my observations in the context of a romantic relationship, because i never said that at all. i can only think you've mis-interpreted the bit in brackets, which i only put in there to emphasise your prior mis-interpretation. my bad, i guess.

me, one of my top priorities is freedom: mine and everyone else's. i simply wouldn't want to have the kind of constrained relationships that you appear to want. they would quite simply be an anathema to me. and, here's the bit you're missing: i mean with everyone.

One of my top priorities is freedom as well. But freedom to me means the freedom to make our own choices, whatever they may be. I don't blame you, I wouldn't want to be a sub either, nor would I want to be in a relationship with me. But if somebody's willing to do that, who am I to tell them what they want is wrong? If they have no problem with it, then I have no problem dating them. If they didn't like it, I wouldn't be interested in dating them.

Also, I've already told you I'm not like this with anybody else, only intimate relationships that require spending a lot of time and making decisions together. I grew up in a house without rules or boundaries or structure and trust me, those kinds of relationships are not healthy at all. It's chaos. Who would want to live like that? I'm sure the way I grew up has made an impact on the way I view relationships; but it's like that for everyone.

shock_the_monkey wrote:

julllia wrote:can i ask you too .what if you couldn't fall in love .would you settle?
i am curious about your opinion.
or you would wait for "the ideal"

... all i've ever wanted is someone that i can love and care for who would love and care for me too. to date, there have been two women that fit the first two criteria. the first met the fourth criteria too. so, no, i wouldn't settle, as in accept anything less. but i'm by no means looking for anything ideal, or perfect. now, i'm not quite sure that answers your question, however, it's my best stab at it.

julllia wrote:i mean i think she says she can't feel anything unless is that d/s. so she gets it to the extreme.
but what if it was something less extreme.or more logical.
for example i can't feel anything unless.. should i settle because i will never find that

... i think she's being deeply contradictory, and i think it's fear.

No, I'm not afraid. I just don't have any interest in relationships. I don't get what's wrong about that? I don't feel any need for one, or feel any lack in my life without one. So why would I want a relationship that doesn't do anything for me? To me that just seems like a lot of extra work and a big burden to carry around and I don't understand what I would be getting out of it or why I would want that. I don't understand why people think there must be something wrong with you if you don't want one. I think most people have such a deep need for relationships that they must believe that you cannot possibly mean it when you say you don't want one, that you're not being honest with yourself, that there must be some other reason that you're not in a relationship that you're not admitting to yourself, because they can't fathom that a person would really feel that way-but sometimes it really is just as simple as a person not wanting one, because they're already happy as is. And it seems that notion is so foreign to some people that they can't accept it.

I feel that way about most relationships. Friendships require less commitment and imo they are more beneficial, but friendships can get in the way too sometimes.

What is it that I have said that you feel is contradictory?

Also, to be honest-I don't usually really feel anything at all, D/s or not. I don't get the butterflies. I don't get lonely or miss anybody. I don't think I've ever really been in love. I'm not a very romantic or emotional person. I can feign romance to woo somebody. I usually just feel lust, and boredom, and that's the only reason I seek out relationships to begin with. BDSM is more intense than most experiences. It keeps me from getting bored with a person. If it's not super intense then I get bored with being with the same person within a couple days and move on to somebody else.

Younglife wrote:

shock_the_monkey wrote:... i think she's being deeply contradictory, and i think it's fear.

What is it that I have said that you feel is contradictory?

Younglife wrote:Still, after all this, even though I think we're better off without each other, I miss her.

Younglife wrote:It's weird to me that people are so focused on relationships. I really don't get it at all. I don't see the point of relationships.

... there are 5 webpages of your thread now, all about this ex-girlfriend. that's how little she meant to you. sure, you don't do relationships!

you're doing a great job of intellectualising all of this ... but emotionally ...

It seems contradictory to you, but it seems clear to me.
I did seem to contradict myself where I said I miss her but I said I don't really miss anybody. I don't think you caught that, but I just now did.
What I meant by that is: Some people I miss being in my life, but I don't miss them when they're gone for short periods of time. That is, I'm comfortable being alone, as long as that person is still "mine".
I know that's not what you quoted, but it just occurred to me that that sounded contradictory, so I'm throwing that out there.

I do miss her. But, I miss her being in my life. I miss hanging out with her, having fun with her, kissing her. I don't really miss the relationship aspect of it. I was ready for that to end, since it wasn't fulfilling to me. That's why I told her that it wasn't working for me. I wanted it to become something more casual and less.... what's a good word... less demanding? I just wanted to bang her and not have to deal with all the other messed up crap! So I miss the good parts of her being around, yes... but the bad parts were not worth that, and to me when it all fell apart was when we entered into a relationship. We had more fun before that happened. I just want it to go back to that.

What I mean is I don't get the point of romantic relationships. Why is it that everybody obsesses over finding this ideal person who doesn't exist and falling in love and spending the rest of their life with them? What drives people to do that? For me, I don't see that line of logic. My thinking goes more like this: "I'm bored out of my mind, I've got nothing to do. Oh lookie there, he/she looks fine today..." Then my brain just sort of goes blank, and I just sort of go on autopilot and approach them, flirt, which inevitably ends up with me going to bed with them. At what point do people decide this means we should spend every single day together, buy each other candies and flowers, stop seeing other people, move in together, get married and start a family? What does that have to do with anything? How is that even related to "You're cute, let's fool around"? I don't get what drives people to do that, to take that step.

Do you get what I mean now? Like I liked her as a friend, as a play partner, I liked holding a knife up to her throat and licking her, that was fun, but it became more of a chore when I was expected to spend all my spare time with her, pay attention to her, work out our problems, blah blah blah... I did my best, don't get me wrong, but I didn't feel it was worth it. I miss the fun parts, not the parts related to the relationship we were in. I miss how we used to do stupid things together, and I want that back. I don't want the relationship back, I don't see the point in that.

The only reason I'm interested in being in a D/s relationship at all is because I have a high sex drive and I'd like to be able to have one stable partner instead of sleeping around all the time. I've done the casual sex thing and it never really works out well. If it weren't for sex I would be completely confused why anybody would want to be in a romantic relationship of any kind.

In sum, I miss the person, not the relationship.

Younglife wrote:In sum, I miss the person, not the relationship.

... this is semantics. when you say you miss her, what you mean is you miss relating to her. in other words, you miss having a relationship with her.

and, before you tell me what you meant by a relationship, let me just point out that all forms of human contact are relationships of one kind or another. you liked her. you enjoyed her. it was a relationship. and it's one that you miss.

now, monkey rest his case, because monkey envisage the counsel for the defence will have a very long counter-argument!!!