terrible and constant control in relationship

I`m back since 6 years
my situation is growing more and more dire each day

previous thread
relationship/topic94619.html

My background:

I leave in Russia and hold a PhD Degree in political science. I work as a journalist . As a matter of fact I communicate with businessmen and even polticians and I am generally OK with that. I *used to be* socially awkward, but I overcame that. Also I work as personal tutor in poltical science and economics&management

However I suffer from some kind of mental disorder and my psychiatrists are not 100% sure whether it is OCD, or anxiety disorder or even shyzotypal personality disorder

However, my fears ansd phobias are not the matter right know. They poison my life to some extent, but I generally succesfully cope with them.

what is a terrible problem right know is my relationship with a girl that tortures me psychologically. And neither me nor she can end it. From my opinion she suffert also.

Our relationship started already 8 years ago and since that we both strife to end them with no success.

Last year we`ve been practically apart.

She unsuccesfully tried to start new relationship. She tells that she kissed with several guys etc - and I`m OK with that.

I drank coffe with a new girl for several times (just coffe, no kissing, no sex, no arms-holding). And when my ex learned about it she was unhappy.
She told me to end this relationship and threatened that she will never ever talk to me again, should I do otherwise. I obeyed but secretly continued chatting with this new girl via social networks. My deception was short-lived - to make long story short, after several months my ex learned about this and was even more furious.

From this moment on the real hell begone. She started controlling my each and every step. "Where are you?", "I`m sure that you are with her right now" and so on.

There was a moment when she asked me to send her a photo of one of my students to prove her that I was not hanging around with this girl.

I`m virtually trapped. I can`t go to the gym, I can`t properly enjoy the company of my friends since I am expecting her "where you are" call

What is more important - she refuses to leave. Once I said her that we probably should completely stop communicating to each other. She immediately re-dialed and said that she won`t tolerate it. In other words, she said that if I am indeed commited to end communication, I should send her to blacklist, ban her on Facebook etc . "If you expect me to say "OK, Farewell" - you are wrong".

Several weeks later she forced herself back into relationship with me.

I don`t want it. I am sick and tired of her control over my life.

Why on earth I tolerate this? There are two reasons
1) Somehow I feel that I am nothing without her, that I will cease to exist whithout her. I feel that way, not think. But I can`t cope with this feelings
2) Guilt-thing. I don`t want to hurt her even at the cost of my comfort. I am poisoned with toxic guilt

And the situation is so sick that I am really thinking of ending my life. And I`m not sure whether It`s extreme way of saying her "plz, leave me alone" or a plan to die.

this is a severely toxic relationship. any relationship that causes you suicidal thoughts has to stop immediately. you must tell her this and cut her out of your life.

moreover, she was your ex-girlfriend. she had no right to be controlling or jealous. and, candidly, i think she's guilt-tripping you into feel bad about yourself. i probably shouldn't say this but she sounds narcissistic to me.

and yes ...

Aka Manto wrote:And the situation is so sick that I am really thinking of ending my life. And I`m not sure whether It`s extreme way of saying her "plz, leave me alone" or a plan to die.

... this is so bad that you'd rather die than have her in your life anymore.

It`s easier said than done - due to the guilt-thing and "I am nothing without her" thing

My therepist says that I failed to separate from my mother in my childhood and now I re-live all childhood emotions and traumas in this relationship

What would you say - do I have some kind of mental disorder that keeps me in this relationship? Or is it just an extreme cowardice?

I`m not sure whether I`s OKAY to say it here, but I am really studyiyng the ways to cut my wrists or intoxicate myself with drugs.
I guess that deep insight I plan to keep it ineffective. Therefore it would be suicidal jesture, not pure suicide. It is an extreme way of saying "Plz leave me alone"

However, I`m not totally sure

Aka Manto wrote:It`s easier said than done - due to the guilt-thing and "I am nothing without her" thing

... yes, it appears that it would be easier for you to die. but, from what you wrote, it isn't you that's keeping this seriously toxic relationship going.

Aka Manto wrote:My therepist says that I failed to separate from my mother in my childhood and now I re-live all childhood emotions and traumas in this relationship

... i think your therapist is making excuses here. your mother isn't your problem - it's your ex-girlfriend.

Aka Manto wrote:What would you say - do I have some kind of mental disorder that keeps me in this relationship? Or is it just an extreme cowardice?

... like i already said, your ex-girlfriend appears to be narcissistic. and this is how narcissists behave. they suck the life out of the people they need to feed their narcissism. now, i can't be entirely sure of that but she's clearly using you and it's clearly to your detriment.

Aka Manto wrote:I`m not sure whether I`s OKAY to say it here, but I am really studyiyng the ways to cut my wrists or intoxicate myself with drugs.
I guess that deep insight I plan to keep it ineffective. Therefore it would be suicidal jesture, not pure suicide. It is an extreme way of saying "Plz leave me alone"

However, I`m not totally sure

... if you say that you're going to commit suicide, this thread will get locked. that's the policy here. this forum doesn't provide support for those intent on committing suicide. at the moment, and without thinking too deeply about this, i think you're only thinking about it, otherwise i'd have to report this thread.

if i were you, i'd seriously consider simply disappearing, if you feel that you can't end this relationship any other way. that's got to be better than committing suicide. even if you had to start from scratch somewhere else, you'd at least still be alive.

Ok, I will do my best to stop talking about suicide

I wiil try to focus on several issues
1. Ambiguity
I am disoriented by the ambivalence of this situation. In other words, she has redemptive qualities and this makes everything even more complicated. She can be kind and caring and than suddenly she becomes controlling and paranoid. It would be much easier if she were "100% evil" and that is not the case.
I actually wish her to cheat on me or physically assault me to make things more staightforward. Bottomline - my mind tells me that she is not "evil enough" to leave her, that she suffers and that she needs my help and support

2. Guilt with "sexual tendencies"
If we ignore oral sex, dry humping and other erotic practises, she is my first and only sexual partner. I was brought up in the extremly asexual family and until 23 years I had extreme aversion towards sex. When I tried something sexual I was immediately overwhelmed with guilt, fears of contracting HIV etc. What is moe important - I felt urges to confess about it to my mother.

Right now I don`t give a damn about my mother. This girl somehow competely replaced her figure in my mind. And Iam forced to set extremly high barriers in social communication. Should I ever touch another woman even socially, my mind immediately considers it as a sexual action and I feel myself cheating on my girlfriend. All my female colleagues know that I detest hugs though they probably a clueless about the reasons. And the reason is that I try to feeling avoid guilt as much as possible.

Guilt can be aleviated only by confessing to girlfriend and accepting her "judgement"

3. Guilt&Responsibilty
I feel that I am responsible for her happiness and I feel guilt if she is unhappy. This leads to vicious circle - I can`t leave her because of guilt and a feel guilty in a relationship.

4. Feeling the emptiness
I feel empty without her. I can cope with it, but it worsens the situation.

5. Wishing her to leave
I really wish her to leave me alone. I will cope with empitiness. I will welcome her cheating on me. Hell, I would even give money to a handsome guy to seduce her.

6. Not being able to leave on my own
This guilt-thing makes me unable to leave her. Somehow my need to feel good about myself outweighs everything else


I visit therapist for many years and yet I am stuck in this hell of a situation.

Hi Aka Manto,

This reply is for you (if it triggers anyone, look away)...

It really appears that you are stuck in a classic controlling and toxic relationship, and as you wrote, you are struggling with guilt, and fears of feeling even worse if you cut this off. No matter which way you try to solve this, it doesn't work. It is indeed hell for those of who have been through this, though you are not alone, others have been through this too.

It's going to take time to sort it out.

What really stood out in my mind is that a part of you knows she is 'evil', but she occasionally behaves like a human, so you hold out hope. That is what happens in these relationships.

Aka Manto wrote:1. Ambiguity
I am disoriented by the ambivalence of this situation. In other words, she has redemptive qualities and this makes everything even more complicated. She can be kind and caring and than suddenly she becomes controlling and paranoid. It would be much easier if she were "100% evil" and that is not the case.
I actually wish her to cheat on me or physically assault me to make things more staightforward. Bottomline - my mind tells me that she is not "evil enough" to leave her, that she suffers and that she needs my help and support

... relationships, at least healthy ones, are about mutual support. you can't possibly imagine this is a healthy relationship when you want to die in order to escape it. and you can't possibly imagine that you'd be any support to her dead. and wishing for her to make it worse so you have a better excuse to end it is kind of paradoxical when you already want to end yourself.

Aka Manto wrote:2. Guilt with "sexual tendencies"
If we ignore oral sex, dry humping and other erotic practises, she is my first and only sexual partner. I was brought up in the extremly asexual family and until 23 years I had extreme aversion towards sex. When I tried something sexual I was immediately overwhelmed with guilt, fears of contracting HIV etc. What is moe important - I felt urges to confess about it to my mother.

Right now I don`t give a damn about my mother. This girl somehow competely replaced her figure in my mind. And Iam forced to set extremly high barriers in social communication. Should I ever touch another woman even socially, my mind immediately considers it as a sexual action and I feel myself cheating on my girlfriend. All my female colleagues know that I detest hugs though they probably a clueless about the reasons. And the reason is that I try to feeling avoid guilt as much as possible.

Guilt can be aleviated only by confessing to girlfriend and accepting her "judgement"

... i'm beginning to see why your therapist is blaming your mother. it appears that your mother made you dependent on her for approval. that's not good parenting. indeed, it's quite narcissistic. so, now you're only able to relate to narcissists. as for judgement, we judge ourselves. we shouldn't need or want the judgement of others. however, that's not to say that we should be self-serving. but we are responsible for our own thoughts and words and deeds and no one can exonerate us of them.

Aka Manto wrote:3. Guilt&Responsibilty
I feel that I am responsible for her happiness and I feel guilt if she is unhappy. This leads to vicious circle - I can`t leave her because of guilt and a feel guilty in a relationship.

... you are only responsible for not making people unhappy. it's their responsibility to be happy. you can't make someone happy if they don't want to be.

Aka Manto wrote:4. Feeling the emptiness
I feel empty without her. I can cope with it, but it worsens the situation.

... you feel empty without the her that you like. you want to die with the her that you dislike. you can't change her. if you're empty, you can always be filled again, even without her. she's not the only woman in the world that could fill you. if you're dead, that's it - game over. this doesn't seem to be a difficult choice to me.

Aka Manto wrote:5. Wishing her to leave
I really wish her to leave me alone. I will cope with empitiness. I will welcome her cheating on me. Hell, I would even give money to a handsome guy to seduce her.

... this is you making excuses for continuing to suffer, instead of taking your life into your own hands and doing something about it. your mother taught you this to make you dependent on her. and now you've transferred this to your ex-girlfriend. and you'll keep doing this transferring until you realise that it's your life and it's your responsibility.

Aka Manto wrote:6. Not being able to leave on my own
This guilt-thing makes me unable to leave her. Somehow my need to feel good about myself outweighs everything else

... but you don't feel good about yourself. you're riddled with guilt. you're a nervous wreck. and you want to end your life because of these things. you need to really recognise what your mother did to you and what you're allowing your ex-girlfriend to do to you, and say to your self: ENOUGH, NO MORE, IT'S MY LIFE AND I WANT SOMETHING BETTER THAN THIS.

>>>ENOUGH, NO MORE, IT'S MY LIFE AND I WANT SOMETHING BETTER THAN THIS.

So there is no "soft" and "step by step" way out of this?