No courage to end relationship

Good Day to everyone
I believe I need serious help with brealking up the relationship that seem to turn toxic.
I am that type of people, who find it impossible to say "No". I`ve been brought up by extremly strict and coercive parents (especially mother) and as an additional bonus developed an OCD (suffer from it for 7 years already).

I live in eastern Europe. I have a bachelor`s degree in socilogy and have plans to continue my education.

But ( apart from OCD and parents) I have serious problems with my girlfriend. We`ve been dating for a year now and for the first time (when she learned about my trobles) she was very supportive. However I am grewing tired of this relationship and what is more important we have absolutely different vision of our future. She wants me to marry her, but I really don`t feel that I am ready for that. And I don`t want to marry her. She has many drawbacks and I she never attracted me phycically. However I am to weak-willed to tell her that and actually I can`t say that I don`t care about her. She is more like a sister to me or an extremly close friend.

So I need some piece of advice, some support etc. I`ve already received a lot of advices from trolls, who suggested stupid or cruel decisions (like "tell her you are gay" or "stop calling her and don`t answer her calls".

Also I`ve alredy got lots of advices like "Be man, tell her the truth". I can`t. I really can`t. Years of OCD and family opression stripped something from me and made me somebody who prefers to act indirectly. So I hope for some real deal and will appreciate that a lot.

It would be perfect to elaborate a course of action that will eventually lead to her loosing interest in me or simply breaking up with me. I want to protect her from pain and avoid responisbility.

And yes, I realize that my personality is far cry from masculine.

I am sort of even afraid of her.

Aka Manto wrote:However I am grewing tired of this relationship and what is more important we have absolutely different vision of our future. She wants me to marry her, but I really don`t feel that I am ready for that. And I don`t want to marry her. She has many drawbacks and I she never attracted me phycically. However I am to weak-willed to tell her that and actually I can`t say that I don`t care about her. She is more like a sister to me or an extremly close friend.

If I'm honest, I'm probably not very good at these sorts of replies, except to say that there has got to be a way you can tell her that that makes it easier - idk if you could write her a letter or something. If that is how you really feel, I expect she would want to know, even if it does make her sad.

Aka Manto wrote:I am sort of even afraid of her.

If you tell her she is more like a sister or extremely close friend, I don't think you should have to be scared of her, though if she loves you as a girlfriend does not just cares about you as a friend she will be sad, hopefully she'd appreciate your honesty.

I just have to ask why you'd end up in a relationship with her if you don't find her attractive? I'd probably advise sticking with telling her your feelings for her have turned more into a very close friendship and while you do care about her, not in the right way to get married and explain you don't think you want the same things.

Best to leave out telling her you don't find her attractive or how many faults she has, because its not necessary and would come across more as deliberate spite than as honesty/openness, and its your own damn fault if you got together with someone you don't fancy! lol

Katana, thanks a lot for your attention

She mentioned many times that we won`t be friends should we break up. Just because she loves me as a woman loves a man. And I don`t think she will be glad to watch me going out wih other girls etc. Though due to my OCD going out is no longer an option at all, but that`s a different story.

Also I should stress that she "feels" that I treat her more like a best friend/ sister, than like a woman. She asked me many times - isn`t that the case, but I denied and claimed to love her dearly. It wasn`t a lie though - I feel emotionally tied to her even now.

So I can`t tell her: " You know, my feelings grew into something different"

Actually I can`t imagine myself telling her anything like that

Anyway thank you!

I will be grateful for more exchange

Sorry to post exessively, I`m just grewing extremly tired of the situation

Its hard to write more exchange because I don't really know what to suggest when you are saying you feel one thing, she suspects you of feeling what you are saying you feeling... does it really leave much room for response ?!

So I'm just going to waffle about relationships instead, lol.

In a way I'm surprised a girl would say that, because most go on about wanting a man who is "both their best friend and their lover" etc, meaning they can get to know each other as people too. I'd say personally that I see some people "having relationships" who are constantly acting like a really cute couple - one of my friends is a good example, - every girl he'd date he'd shower her with gifts, cute messages, there was a lot of show of relationship behaviour, but underneath all that, they knew each other, most of the relationship was centred around cute behaviour - and him taking care of their problems, but the relationships were mostly surface deep and more about people being in love with being in love, and securing his own needs for codependancy than about them being in love with each other. It always fades cause its all about nothing.

Then you get those couples who act normally around each other until you catch them in a private (or public) moment being affectionate, who know each other as well as best friends do, don't have to feel like their whole conversation is based around being in love with being in love and exchanging cuteness or just lust, lol you can tell from the way they are around each other and look at each other that they know each other, but also that there is more between them than friendship, and the same for when they fall into bed... - just people don't usually see that bit unless they're into being exhibitionist! lol.

What I'm trying to say is that if you don't love your current girlfriend, if you want something real, you're gonna have to find a woman you can both love as a girlfriend and also like a best friend. that's what a real marriage would be about unless you're not the type to go in for real intimacy in marriages, so its kinda strange she says that, unless you really back off from any couple-like stuff at all. Why they have all those chick flicks where the girl who got "friend zoned" by the guy finally gets him, or something like that.

Lots of guys treat me "like a woman", I actually find it ######6 insulting what they think treating a woman "like a woman" is even if they did want to date me, but that's just personal, and don't take it from me cause I'm not typical of most women, lol. But I'm also not the only one.

I'm waffling, cause I can't give you advice on a situation you sound like you're saying you won't dig yourself out of, lol.

-- Wed Aug 01, 2012 7:26 pm --

Aka Manto wrote:Sorry to post exessively, I`m just grewing extremly tired of the situation

What do you expect me to do about it ? lol

Katana,
I neither never meant to consume your time, nor I expect you (or anybody else) here to solve my problem

I just wanted to accumulate ideas and opinions!

I am extremly grateful for your replies!

ok no problem
glad my random waffling was appreciated lol

the way i see it...

- you mentioned above that "she feels more like a sister" - you can use this truth, share your feelings "in terms of friendship" and make her realize that she's more like a friend than a girlfriend - especially when mentioning love - emphasize on this idea... furthermore - stop having any type of sexual contact with her, treat her exactly like a sister or a friend - if that's how you really feel...

...another way used by some to brake-up which proves to be very effective and fits your scenario - "make her dislike you"... complain a lot and act in ways you know she disagrees, start fights out of nothing - be her nightmare and she'll brake up with you - either that or you'll get to some fights where you'll loose it and tell her eventually...

- i'd go with the first advice - as the saying goes "the truth will set you free" ... the other idea - usually works but it's not my style, yet - i've heard of it from some friends that were in a similar position.

GemInI wrote:

...another way used by some to brake-up which proves to be very effective and fits your scenario - "make her dislike you"... complain a lot and act in ways you know she disagrees, start fights out of nothing - be her nightmare and she'll brake up with you - either that or you'll get to some fights where you'll loose it and tell her eventually...

Plan B seems to imply causing her some pain though in a sense that such behaviour will insult her etc. Generally I love the first idea, but I have to reflect on it a bit.
Thanks alot!