Very suggestive student (sensitive material)

Is there a school counselor you can direct her to? That's what I'd advise if you believe she is having family/personal issues.

I mentioned this before - sadly, there ain't... We don't even have a psychologist. And now, when her mother personally asked for help... I don't know.

I'll call my old teacher now, listen to what advice he might give.

All right, we just finished. It is as ironic as it could be...

When I told the situation to my old teacher via phone, he laughed for a minute. Then he explained that he had similar story, only he was 25, and the girl was 15 - she also fell in love with him, he didn't stop her, and she became his wife... They live happily until now (he is now 50, I think). "Don't let that happen to you" - he added, "one musician in the family is more than enough"

Then we got serious, and he said that it would be best if I could direct her to someone, but ONLY if I trust that person completely, that he will not take advantage of the poor girl, and will not dismiss her issue as petty teen troubles, because it might totally break her. "If you don't know such a reliable person, maybe you should take the matter in your own hands", he added.

He also said that I should let things go on natural way - not to take advantage, nor to become artificially cold, that the time will sort things out. "Worst case scenario, you'll end up like I did" - he ended.
It was so good to speak with him again. We weren't in contact since I finished my studies. It was very calming and reassuring talk.

So basically, that was it. I don't know, it sounds reasonable. On the other hand, I believe I must make clear to the girl that I can advice her at most, that she shouldn't expect anything beyond that from me. I'm sure she should understand.

What's your take on the situation?

Hi

I have read through this thread and have a few thoughts.

Firstly may I ask why you were banned from other forums for wanting to discuss this rather than ppl there helping you figure it out.

One thing that strikes me about what your old teacher said was that his ending up with a student was very unethical and given her age probably illegal at least initially so I would urge you very strongly not to go down that road.

I studied medicine and when I first worked as a Dr I wanted to save the world and bent over backwards to sort out ppls' problems going above and beyond the call of duty. It sounds to me like this might be what you are doing too - which is admirable but can also lead to inappropriate behaviour, poor boundaries and also burn out. It is imperative that first and foremost you are behaving professionally and ethically - this must be your primary focus. Sometimes we have to accept that for whatever reason we cant help ppl and we have to let go as this is the right thing to do - and I am wondering if you are there with this student, it sounds like you might well be.

I strongly think you need to discuss this with your colleagues even if from a purely safeguarding pov. If this girl turned on you and accused you of unethical behaviour you would not have a leg to stand on if you have not discussed things openly with colleagues and it is likely your teaching career would end. She sounds troubled so dont assume this wont happen.

The upshot is that how you are behaving however well meant does not appear to be too ethical or maintaining good boundaries and I think that you need to step back from the situation for your own good and also for hers as it sounds like she needs more input and help than you can appropriately give.

Cracked

I'd tell her to be on time, leave on time, not smile when she makes a mistake and to not dress sexual while in class.

Firstly may I ask why you were banned from other forums for wanting to discuss this rather than ppl there helping you figure it out.

Well, I really don't know. I just registered on some other forums, and tried to post the same information as in my first post on this topic. Afterwards, I received a message saying that I have been banned, no reason specified. I guess people there think that it is inappropriate thing to discuss... That's why I'm very thankful that people here gave me a chance to speak my mind, and tries to help.

One thing that strikes me about what your old teacher said was that his ending up with a student was very unethical and given her age probably illegal at least initially so I would urge you very strongly not to go down that road.

Well, illegal for sure, but unethical? Well, I'm not qualified enough to argue, but the way he described the situation, it appears that everything was very ethical. There was no pressure, no lies, no deception, no psychological terror, no preferential treatment for her as a student. I can't judge this, but he said that everything was clean from a moral point of view. I'm inclined to believe that, because their relationship turned out to be very successful and loving one - no one was harmed.
That being said, I do not plan to go down the same road. Hell no. Situations are different, and I must make my own choice.

I strongly think you need to discuss this with your colleagues even if from a purely safeguarding pov. If this girl turned on you and accused you of unethical behaviour you would not have a leg to stand on if you have not discussed things openly with colleagues and it is likely your teaching career would end. She sounds troubled so dont assume this wont happen.

All right, I'll try that tomorrow. I'm not very convinced, because I think, due to strained relationships between teachers, this might do more harm than good, but maybe, with some diplomacy, I'll manage to get someone on my side.

The upshot is that how you are behaving however well meant does not appear to be too ethical or maintaining good boundaries and I think that you need to step back from the situation for your own good and also for hers as it sounds like she needs more input and help than you can appropriately give.

As I said, I would very much like to stand down, if I could direct her to someone who could help her. I'm still looking for such a person. I talked to her family, even they want me to help her.
I'll still try to find someone more qualified to do this, but as of now, my choice is between helping her or leaving her alone to deal with her problems. Do you see second choice as a preference? I can't imagine myself doing that... Turning my back on someone who is in deep emotional trouble. Not as a teacher. As a person. Should I bring teacher attitude above moral attitude? If she wasn't my student, even if she was a person on the street, I couldn't just pass when someone is crying and has no one else to turn to. But I'm her teacher. Is more important than helping such a person?

I'm sorry, I'm a bit emotionally shaken. Please don't take offense for my thoughts. I really appreciate you taking time to help me. I just can't make myself abandon someone in plea for help. Could you?

Hi Fred -

You presented two choices. In most situations there are actually many choices. In this case I think you have some choices to direct her to others for help, or at least involve them.

Hope that helps,

X

Don't get me wrong. I won't stop looking for that someone. But it's just that I don't know what else I can try. The school doesn't have a councilor or psychologist. Other teachers don't want to deal with the girl. Family can't help, or is unwilling to help either (or the girl is unwilling to accept their help). What else can I try?

Maybe I'll ask her tomorrow about this. From her position, she knows best if there is someone she could trust her troubles with.

Fred -

Yes, sometimes people actually don't want help, and while it is hard to accept, sometimes it's not a person's goal even if they say they want help, they actually have no intention of stopping the path they are on (even if it leads to utter havoc).

It is a possibility too that you are dealing with someone who is at a point in their life where they are amused by havoc, and if you are not careful will find yourself in the path of destruction. For many good reasons, please re-read the advice you've received from others above.

You're right. I have considered this possibility, and I still have my doubts that it may be so. But don't you think I should explore the situation before making a decision, whatever it might be? Most people here just suggest that I drop the matter and leave the girl to her own fate. If she is just creating havoc as you say, it is the right choice, but what if she isn't faking it, and she is really at a critical moment in her life, with no one to turn to?
Imagine worst case scenario. I tell her that there won't be any further discussions about this, that there are lessons, and nothing else. Devastated, she kills herself. Not probable, but possible. These things happen.

I'm not arguing with you, the advice is good, but shouldn't I gather more information before I can make this decision?