Very suggestive student (sensitive material)

Hello,

First of all, I just joined here, it's great to see that there is such a corner for people who need help. I must confess, I have tried various several forums, seeking help on the very serious problem I'm having, and I ended up banned for the sensitive nature of this problem. No one even considered it...
I have nowhere else to turn, so I came here. I would really, really appreciate if anyone could help me...

So, long story short.

I'm 23, a piano teacher at local music school, just started this year. I have 11 students, mostly kids and teenagers, been doing pretty well, until... Well.

There is this girl who takes piano lessons, she's 16, although looks older (I know, it's usual). She's becoming too friendly during these private lessons. I try to ignore it, because I'm not a pedo, but this thing is getting out of hand. She looks with THAT kind of look, licks her lips all the time, smiles like she's hiding a secret, and makes ambiguous comments, like: "I like the way you touch the keyboard, teacher". She also dresses very sexually - not inappropriate, but on the line.

What's more, she usually comes last, after all other students, and we finish class very late, usually around 20:00, and school is almost empty by then. This adds to the tension, as she doesn't hurry to go home, she always wants to stay a bit more and chat. I try to be strict, and don't get "too close", but I think it encourages her even more.

We just had a lesson yesterday, she didn't play too well, so I said I was disappointed. I was standing behind her (while she sat at piano), and she turned her head, smiled REALLY suggestively, smirked, and said "I'm a bad girl... Punish me..." .
That left me jaw-open.

Of course, I didn't do anything, but I mean... She's very, very attractive despite her age, and although I would NEVER do anything, it's becoming real hard for me... Those late nights at empty school with barely dressed extremely hot teenager who does everything so that I would lose control...

Please help. What should I do?

Hey Fred! Welcome to the forum

Is there another piano teacher that could take her on as a student? That may be the best solution. Otherwise could you at least switch her lessons to a time when there are more ppl about? Could you speak to your supervisor or other administrator privately for advice, letting them know you are not comfortable with the situation? Perhaps they could help you get her switched to another teacher.

Well, actually, she was a very problematic student for other teachers, so she got transferred to me. From a professional point of view, we are doing extremely good. She became very motivated, tries very hard, and achieves a lot now. It would be very harmful to cut this kind of connection... I understand that maybe her motivation is based on love for teacher, but I also was in love with my first teacher... It was my main motivation at the time, and later motivation became natural. I guess it is common, to idealize and maybe fall in love with the teacher.

So I really don't want to transfer her to another teacher. She had enough of these transfers, and now, when we really started making progress... It is a huge help for her.

I talked with my supervisor to move lessons with her to another time of the day (not disclosing the reason), but school doesn't have enough classrooms earlier.


Basically, I have to deal with the situation as it is... Any advice?

It’s great you are looking out for her professionally and want her playing to improve. That’s understandable as that’s what good teachers want, but you need to look out for you and your career (that you just started) too. If anything were to happen, you could get fired or even “blacklisted” as a teacher, making it very difficult to teach again.

Perhaps you should disclose some more of this to your supervisor. You haven’t done anything wrong. Your student is the one acting suggestively. At just 23, you are still a novice teacher, so presumably haven’t had to deal with too many difficult situations, but there must be others at the school, that are older, with more experience, that could advise you, if they knew more about the problem. This can't be unheard of in the world of teaching.

You say she was a problematic student for others, but I’m guessing not in the same way? At least as a "problematic student" others will have knowledge of her or will perhaps be more sympathetic to your difficulties in dealing with her.

Other than that, just keep it very professional. You say she isn’t in a hurry to go home at 20:00 but once the lesson is over get her out the door. Leave no time for chatting. It’s late and you have had a long day at work, so once you have done your job, you have no further obligation. You aren’t friends. You are teacher and student and that is that. Period. Anything else would end badly, for both of you.

Thank you for your replies and advice.

It is true that her problems with other teachers were of a different nature. As much as I heard, she was very unmotivated, although talented. They couldn't find the right approach with this girl, so they just passed her on to others - that's how she came to me. We have only 4 piano teachers in our school, she already were at 3 others, so either I keep her and try to find a solution, or she has to take a different school. I'm not the kind of person that passes problems to others - I believe I must find a solution, or at least try.

I had 3 years of experience teaching children from 7 to 14 years of age before, under supervision, while I was studying. Had some problematic kids (lack of motivation, hyper-activity, low self-esteem and so on), but usually I found a way. I love teaching, my approach is not to artificially create student-teacher distance, but instead, keep warm and friendly atmosphere in the class, but not too relaxed. I emphasize that hard work and results are priorities.
I had wonderful teachers myself. Especially the last one. He was very warm and open with his students, they could ask him anything, not only matters concerning studies. We never hesitated to talk about personal issues, problems with other studies, and so on. It turned out to be very motivating experience. I try to do the same in my own teaching now. I find that the more students feel at class like at home, the more motivated they are, more interested. Every so often someone becomes too relaxed, but then I show my strict side, so they don't forget why they come to classes.

That is why it would be very unnatural to just become cold to this girl, when clearly, she has issues.

I believe some more information is in order. The girl comes from a good family, both parents are musicians. She is very intelligent, very talented, and extremely sensitive. As far as I know, she had good grades and was overall active until maybe 2-3 years ago. Maybe I should have mentioned this earlier, but about two weeks ago, she came to piano lesson very sad, it just showed on her face. Girl couldn't concentrate, couldn't remember what she practiced at home. Seeing that lesson goes to waste, I asked what is the matter, what has happened. She thanked me for asking, and with tears in her eyes, explained that a boy in school has turned her down. Then she burst in tears, and said that she just wants a boyfriend so bad, that she was longing for someone to love for 5 years, that most boys at her class are still kids in their minds, not concerned with such things. She wept for 3 minutes, then became very embarrassed, apologized like 10 times for "Crying out loud", and added that she has no friends to talk to about this, that relationship with parents isn't that close for such discussions.
I was quite shocked to see such a display of sad emotions. I believe she was genuinely sincere. I tried to calm her, complimented her merits as a person, and encouraged to keep trying to the best of my ability. I naturally understand her situation - I know what is it like to spend years looking for someone to love, and finding nothing - but I can' understand the reasons behind it. She is intelligent, beautiful, mature beyond her years, just with a little low self esteem - probably a result of these failed love-finding attempts. I believe this is also the reason for her lowered motivation to study lately.

All that time, I was still aware that I shouldn't comfort her too closely, because it may lead to attachment on her part. I know how it works, I've seen it before.

So, as I said, my estimation is that her early maturity, coupled with extreme sensitivity and some bad luck trying to find a boyfriend has resulted in her poor motivation, and now - clinging to me.


I want to help her. I really do. I know it is risky, but as a teacher, I believe I must find a way to guide her through this difficult situation. It doesn't come with job description, sure, but my own teacher never kept cold when I needed help. I knew, that besides the studies, I can always turn to him for help, no matter what about.
I just have to find the way to do this without giving in to the situation.

I have a class with her on Mondays' evening. There is some time to consider.
If you could further comment the matter with this additional information, I would be very thankful...

And I really appreciate you all taking time to consider my problem. Thank you.

You say you aren’t the kind of person to pass problems onto others but you can at least look to others for advice and council. While it's important to not shirk your duties, you are also not working in isolation. Lots of workplaces promote a team oriented environment. I still think being more open with your supervisor or co-workers as to the problem could help as you'd get input from those in the teaching profession, and from those who know you and your student.

Normally, warm and friendly sounds fine, but given the situation, I think less warm and friendly would be appropriate, to emphasis a proper student-teacher relationship. Maybe this is somewhat analogous to when parents want to be their kid’s best friend instead of a parent. It’s often best if parents act like parents, setting appropriate boundaries and rules, for the sake of their child, even when they want to be their child’s friend and not have their kid be mad at them for seeming strict. So, while the child might not appreciate it at the time, the parent is looking out for their best interests in the long run.

Wanting to help is fine, but again, given the situation, perhaps you really aren’t the best one to be the primary helper. Sometimes schools have guidance councilors. Perhaps you could direct her to someone else to help her out? Or at least encourage her to build closer relationships with her peers and family? You don't want to turn into the primary person supporting her.

Good luck Fred! I have to log out soon but perhaps someone else will chime in...

Fred -

You likely have many students of the same age, and as a teacher, you'll have many with issues. Ask yourself, if it was a 16 year old boy with issues, what you do? what would you advise a fellow teacher to do?

Please be honest with yourself. If you are sexually attracted to this girl, then there is a very real probability it is clouding your judgment. If you are treating her any different then you'd treat any other student with issues, then it's essential to be honest, that you are treating her differently for your benefit, not for hers.

Janjones, thank you for excellent advice. I'll try to direct her to someone. Things is, I really don't know whom to. We don't have guidance councilors, but I think I can encourage her to speak to her family members. Maybe I should even speak with her parents myself. Not to give any detail of the situation, of course, but just find out what are the options.

As for advice from other teachers, it isn't very good idea in our particular situation. First of all, I don't want to spread a rumor which might turn against the girl, secondly, relationship between teachers isn't that great here. There is a lot of competition between them, and as a new teacher, I feel being under some pressure, so giving out such a private issue might end up messy.

However, I think I'll call my old teacher, and ask him some advice. He must have had similar experience. Maybe he will share it. I know I can tell him everything in detail.

xdude, well, in your described situation, I don't know what I would advice. Even disregarding student and teacher gender. But I believe I understand what you mean - that in this particular situation, my judgment might actually be influenced by gender.
You're right, I should watch myself. I would never allow myself to favor my benefit over my students', but it might be uncontrolled.
I do not think I am sexually attracted to her, at least any more than to any other woman, however, I really feel her issue. I know what it is like to be girlfriend-less for many years, and what horrible psychological consequences it might lead to.

You're right, it's not something that a teacher should be helping with, but I just really hope there is someone else she can turn to. I'll call her parents right now.

Fred37 wrote:...I really feel her issue. I know what it is like to be girlfriend-less for many years, and what horrible psychological consequences it might lead to.

Fred, she is 16, an age at which children/teenagers may start dating, maybe. She isn't suffering from years of lack of having an adult/adult romantic relationship at this age.

Fred37 wrote:You're right, it's not something that a teacher should be helping with, but I just really hope there is someone else she can turn to. I'll call her parents right now.

Now that's a good choice.

X

xdude wrote:Fred, she is 16, an age at which children/teenagers may start dating, maybe. She isn't suffering from years of lack of having an adult/adult romantic relationship at this age.

Well, I started 12 myself And I know few others who did. So maybe she is romanticizing these "long 5 years", as she told me, but that may be not so far from the truth. Who knows.

So, I had a good long talk with her mother. I'm not sure what I was expecting... But basically, she confirmed my suspicions. I didn't tell of the girls affection, I just said that she often seems sad, that it is hard for her to concentrate, and asked if there is some trouble that she's having. Mother was very open about the issue. She said that the girl was indeed very successful, until 3 years back, when "the GREAT search started", as her she ironically described. It appears that everything comes down to this, as the girl didn't mentioned any other issues. Mother also said that they used to be close, and the daughter would tell all her troubles, but she doesn't anymore. "She probably doesn't think I can help her. She just needs a good loving guy to fix her self-esteem and lift her spirit". She also mentioned that the girl had at least 4 rejections from boys, and is totally heartbroken, and that she her daughter crying after going to bed more than once.
Mother sounded very anxious about this (naturally...), and asked me if I could talk with the girl. "She speaks fondly of you, maybe you could inspire some hope". I hesitated, said that I could, but maybe some friends would be more suitable, if the girl doesn't want to speak about this in family... "She doesn't have any" - mother added.

Of course, what I quoted is approximate, but I tried to depict the conversation as closely as I could.

What do you think of it? I'm still not sure.