Very suggestive student (sensitive material)

Fred,

She is 16, you are her teacher and an adult. There is no advice we really can give you but to maintain professional boundaries, so asking the same questions won't lead to a different answer. Both jan and Cracked gave you very good advice too.

All right, thank you. I'll re-read and try several things suggested.

I'll report back after tomorrow events.

All right, here are the news. I'll start with the "good" ones.

I took a colleague of mine at this school whom I trust most, and basically told the situation with the girl, holding nothing back, of course, in a manner that does not humiliate her in his eyes, should he tell someone else about this. He was very cold on this matter, almost defensive. He said that he doesn't want to be part of this, that "this is your student, deal with her yourself". Then I said that I only want an opinion, if he has ever had similar problems, but colleague said that he hasn't, and hurried out of the classroom with excuse that he has work to do. It was almost as if he didn't want to hear this at all.

Then I went to my supervisor. In a very diplomatic effort, I explained this problem to her too. She said that "these things happen all the time". Supervisor advised that if the girl steps out of boundaries, I should report her, and then she would be thrown out of the school. There was no further discussion, as supervisor saw the matter solved.

I can understand this is reasonable from a certain point of view, but I kinda expected something more than "best cure for headache is guillotine" approach... I just hope I won't have to regret that I told them about the situation.


Then I had the class with the girl. She came usual self - dressed within ethic norms, but barely, all-smiley, and said that she wants to show me something. She sat at the piano, and played Scriabin's Etude op.12 no.8 dis-moll. For those who don't play piano here, I'll just explain shortly that it is a extremely advanced piano piece, usually found in repertoire of musical academy students, and certainly not on the first courses. I only attempted it when I was 21, and it was a huge challenge. What I mean to say, is that this piece should have been FAR too difficult for the girl and her current playing level. I can only guess how many days, or maybe even months she put into preparing this piece without my knowledge. She said she wanted to make a surprise to me. Well, it certainly did. I never imagined she was capable of this. She must have worked day and night to prepare this piece.

When she finished, she turned to me, all shy and hopeful, and asked silently "I did this for you... Did you like it?". I wasn't exactly sure what to say (due to the nature of situation with her), but truth is, I was shocked by her achievement. So I said the truth - that it was very impressive, and that I am proud of her work, and that we certainly play this piece at her next exams. If you only saw how happy she was... Almost to the tears. She was very concentrated during whole lesson, extremely motivated, it passed very productively. Girl didn't display any suggestive behavior at all.

And just as I was starting to believe that all is well, and that the problems went away, after the lesson ended, she turned to me, and all crimson in shame, asked shyly - "teacher, forgive me for asking, but do you have a girlfriend?"
The question totally caught me off guard. She didn't ask it in suggestively, I could see that she tried to do put the question in the most polite, non-offending way. Nevertheless, I was shocked, got angry, and said that this is totally inappropriate question for a teacher, that this has to do nothing with the lesson and it is time for her to go home. "Forgive me, and thank you for the answer" - she replied with her stare at the floor, and hurried out of the classroom. Only then I realized that by saying that it is none of her business, I actually answered her question. Come to think of it, if I had a girlfriend, I would have said so, so that this student would lose all hope at making a pass. Maybe I should have lied, I don't know. Anyway, she got the answer she wanted...

I'm confused right now. I know that I did right from a teacher stand-point, because the question was totally inappropriate, but I feel bad for displaying anger at the poor thing. Inappropriate as it is, the girl asked the question in the most polite manner possible, and she prepared for the lesson on of the grand pieces of piano that should have been way too difficult for her, meaning that she put a hell of an effort during last few months that no one could have ever asked or expected.

I called her previous teachers, and asked if she has ever played that Etude, and one of their answers pretty much sum up what all 3 of them said - "no, she hasn't, why? Maybe she could TRY in 5 years". It confirms that even they didn't believe that the girl could have done this.

Either she is some kind of genius, or she worked 5 hours every day since September to impress me.

I don't know. Did I do the right thing?

Wow. Well the advice you got here isn't going to change. It's still the right thing to do. You could have just answered her, I often knew whether or not particular teachers were married in school. At least you've managed to establish boundaries, talked to your co-workers, and basically set things up so you are safe. And in the end, so she is safe. It sucks to know you could be there for someone, and her interests motivated her to accomplish great things, but her motivations would have been bad for both your long-term welfare. Let her grow up. If she can still work with you in class, all for the better, but I imagine establishing those boundaries may make it harder for both of you. The thing is, this situation and a girl at that age in those circumstances... not uncommon. Amazingly uncommon...

I've got some similar anecdotes I can share in PM, but I think you did what you had to do.

Well, I assumed if I told her of my single status, it would encourage her even more... But I didn't want to lie, so I didn't answer at all - or so I thought. She is smarter than she looks, and saw me through.

but her motivations would have been bad for both your long-term welfare.

Well, I had a huge crush on my first teacher, and I also was motivated by it - I tried very, very hard so I would impress her. In the end, of course, nothing happened, but what I learned I carry still, and motivation for teacher became motivation for music itself. So maybe it's not necessarily one-case scenario... Or maybe my story is the odd one.

Sure, write a PM, thanks

I don't know if you are sexually attracted to her, but if you are, it is what it is. Only a few hundred yrs ago you might be getting engaged, pending her parent's approval. You are less than 10yrs apart; when she's 18 if you went out on a date or even if she moved in with you it could raise the eyebrows of some, but others would see nothing wrong. Human sexuality often finds itself stretched across these fairly recent legal classifications.
But the fact remains that it would be illegal, and maybe definately immoral, depending on her level of maturity, and any abuse of power by you, her teacher. Note that this second aspect -abuse of power- is what justifiably gets university teachers fired for having affairs with students, even though all parties are adults. So you are right in your resolve not to succumb to her attempts to seduce you, however serious she is. I would say make it clear to her that you are first and foremost her teacher, and going farther, letting her know when her conduct is inappropriate. She is 16, not 12, and probably aware enough of what she is doing. In two years she will be a legal adult. Behavior that sexually excites and manipulates a man, interferring with his job, is really a kind of sexual harassment.
MAKE SURE you inform, perhaps even document, at least your immediate work supervisor. Even though this might be a little embarrasing, if you say nothing it could be construed that your silence was a sign of complicity on your part.

xdude wrote:Fred,

She is 16, you are her teacher and an adult. There is no advice we really can give you but to maintain professional boundaries, so asking the same questions won't lead to a different answer. Both jan and Cracked gave you very good advice too.

I agree with Xdude. A lot of great advice from everyone that has posted but I also think Jan and cracked nailed it. (No pun intended) I know you want to help but if you don't stray somehow from the situation you are headed for disaster. Your job, your career actually can ne over at any moment if one little thing goes wrong. Listen to the advice most on here gave and good luck.