Tempted to rape *May Trigger*

Anon2 wrote:I doubt that many (if any) women would actually let that happen. She is not going to be facing some brutal, sadistic monster. She is going to be facing a not particularly violent, not particularly determined, drunken pervert: someone who could probably be deterred just with harsh words. I've actually been more concerned about the harm being done to myself by a woman defending herself: but no-one seems to think about that.

I think you are really deceiving yourself here... and curiously making yourself into the victim rather than the attacker.

Not everyone fights back. Even the threat of assault is, in itself, terrifying. You've heard of fight, flight or freeze? Many of us use freeze, scared for our lives. That's what happened to me. I was so scared that he was going to kill me I just did whatever he said. And that had everything to do with my own past experiences, going back to childhood. How was he to know that?

If she doesn't use "harsh words" ... or try and fight back... does she then deserve it or want it in some way in your mind?

Read more about the "freeze" response at http://www.myshrink.com/counseling-theory.php?t_id=85

You say you will be "not particularly violent" -- how is a woman supposed to judge that? And what do you know about her history? Nothing. She may be a survivor of a previous assault, in the worst case she freezes and you complete the assault, in the best case she manages to get away and yet you have re-traumatized her.

Until you have received treatment for this, stop drinking. Who cares what your friends say, surely you can fend them off for a month. Get back in touch with your therapist and insist that you see her until your new counseling kicks in. These are just basic safety strategies, for both yourself and your potential victims.

And when I said this was a mental health issue, I didn't mean it in the sense of being used in court as a defence. I meant that somewhere, in your fantasies, you have tangled up the issue of consent re. sexuality. A good therapist will help you understand why this has happened, and will help you untangle it.

sylvievere wrote:
It seems to me you've said two things on this thread: one, that no one takes you seriously enough, and two, that people take you TOO seriously. Do you think that's accurate?

Sylvie

I think at first I didn't think that others take it seriously enough. Now, I am glad that they are taking it seriously but think that I am burdening them with something impossible.

sylvievere wrote:In a perfect world, what would you have that you don't have now? What could make you feel like you're an important part of other people's lives? What would make you feel at peace with yourself?

I would like to become more experienced, but I don't seriously regard rape as a way of achieving that - that would be like saying you become a black belt by beating someone up. I would like to be valued by society, and to be competent. To truly be at peace with myself I would have to know that I will never lose my abilities, will never lose respect, and to know that I'm trustworthy and that I can trust others.

-- Mon Dec 17, 2012 11:51 am --

bipedal wrote:One could be threatened by societies implications of beauty, feeling inferior them selves aesthetically and socially? maybe wanting to show them (and yourself) their not so great, buy committing such an act? Maybe you've had to many instances of being made felt inferior by others, bullying for example the lack of respect and the want to rise above them?.

I don't think this is is what it is about. Yes, there are those issues, but I wouldn't deal with them by pulling someone else down. I more just want to improve myself, become a better person so that I can earn others' respect.

I think I just find dominance sexy: and that extends to forcing myself on someone. I know that it needs to be within limits: nothing wrong with acting it out, but you don't go out and commit an actual rape. However, when you take away the inhibitions, morality goes out of the window.

QuackQuack wrote:

Anon2 wrote:I doubt that many (if any) women would actually let that happen. She is not going to be facing some brutal, sadistic monster. She is going to be facing a not particularly violent, not particularly determined, drunken pervert: someone who could probably be deterred just with harsh words. I've actually been more concerned about the harm being done to myself by a woman defending herself: but no-one seems to think about that.

I think you are really deceiving yourself here... and curiously making yourself into the victim rather than the attacker.

Not everyone fights back. Even the threat of assault is, in itself, terrifying. You've heard of fight, flight or freeze? Many of us use freeze, scared for our lives. That's what happened to me. I was so scared that he was going to kill me I just did whatever he said. And that had everything to do with my own past experiences, going back to childhood. How was he to know that?

If she doesn't use "harsh words" ... or try and fight back... does she then deserve it or want it in some way in your mind?

Read more about the "freeze" response at http://www.myshrink.com/counseling-theory.php?t_id=85

You say you will be "not particularly violent" -- how is a woman supposed to judge that? And what do you know about her history? Nothing. She may be a survivor of a previous assault, in the worst case she freezes and you complete the assault, in the best case she manages to get away and yet you have re-traumatized her.

Until you have received treatment for this, stop drinking. Who cares what your friends say, surely you can fend them off for a month. Get back in touch with your therapist and insist that you see her until your new counseling kicks in. These are just basic safety strategies, for both yourself and your potential victims.

And when I said this was a mental health issue, I didn't mean it in the sense of being used in court as a defence. I meant that somewhere, in your fantasies, you have tangled up the issue of consent re. sexuality. A good therapist will help you understand why this has happened, and will help you untangle it.

I am familiar with fight, flight and freeze. No, no-one deserves that to happen. I'd actually like to be stopped. It annoys me that people feel they have to avoid going out, while the troublemakers get to do whatever they want. If people were prepared to meet violence with violence, the streets would be actually be much safer.

I don't have the kind of air about me that a typical thug has - whatever else people are going to think, they're not going to accuse me of that.

At the moment, I'm sticking to a minimal amount of alcohol. It's absolutely fine - I stay in control of my actions, and it wears off virtually by the time I've left the pub. I do not actually have to meet my therapist until the next time, as I can write to her, but would need to be specific about what I need. Is there anything in particular that you think I need to discuss with her?

Im very Big on meet violence with violence Maybe thats why despite being in some unsavory circumstances I have never been raped, and seriously, Im one of those psychos who's just waiting for an excuse to fly off the chain..and raping someone is a pretty good way to make them lose their sh**.

Despite this I sympathise with you. It seems that if you were to rape someone you would be what is reffered to as a "power assurance rapist" most of them want women to aknowlwdge them on some level. Rape is a power trip.
There was one case where a man broke into a womans home and hid in her closet. when she was asleep he came out to her holinding a hammer (or was it a knife?) and told her he wanted to have sex with her. Terrified for her life, she complied with him, and afterwards he lay next to her, stroking her hair and complementing her on how beautiful she was. After he left and she called the police she found a sum of money missing from her home. a few days later the money showed up in her mailbox with a note where the guy was writing that his friend who was driving the getaway car stole it and that was very bad of him, so he was returning the money and was sorry.
Of course that didnt mean much, because hey, she had just been f***ing raped.

I think you do need help for this. It also sounds like it has an obsessive compulsive dimention to it. Dont dilude yourself into thinking that its some minor act that a woman wont take seriously, it will scar her for life and you may have to deal with the consequenses in the form of a furious victim that may try to kill you.
(also rapists dont get treated to well in prison so you may have to worry about what goes around may come around in that place)

HaxX wrote:
I think you do need help for this. It also sounds like it has an obsessive compulsive dimention to it. Dont dilude yourself into thinking that its some minor act that a woman wont take seriously, it will scar her for life and you may have to deal with the consequenses in the form of a furious victim that may try to kill you.
(also rapists dont get treated to well in prison so you may have to worry about what goes around may come around in that place)

Obsessive-compulsive disorder is more where you have a thought that you find distressing, and you try to get rid of it via compulsions. This is more about urges which I have been tempted to act upon.
Really what I meant by that was that it would probably be easily fended off, but as others have pointed out to me, attempted rape still affects the victim and carries legal consequences.
If she were to kill me, good for her. But none of it has to happen in the first place, and I'm beginning to believe that it won't, because you don't have to rape someone just because you feel like it. A few drinks and it seems like a better idea....that is perhaps what's difficult. Most people do not have to live like that, and it is difficult for them to imagine such a predicament. It is also something which is awkward to explain to them, and drinking is most of what social life centres around. I don't want to get desocialised, but I don't want to gamble with my future, or anyone else's. I just live in denial sometimes: it all seems so absurd, I just try and pretend it isn't like this, that I'm alright and it's something that I'd never actually do. And maybe I wouldn't. Maybe it was all just following and it would have never gone any further than that. Maybe I don't need to make any changes to my lifestyle whatsoever. But I always tell myself that. So lost and uncertain now I just carry on down that same old path, hoping it doesn't end in a cliff.

Must admit what I wrote then was very depressing.

Everything is going very well. I am still drinking but, in my defence, I am sticking to the minimum, and have not crossed the line in terms of my actions. My friend is also becoming more mature. So far, so good.

I still need to know the specific topics to contact my therapist about before the next meeting?

Since posting in December, I have seen a forensic psychiatrist, who has recommended that I have psychotherapy with regard to self-esteem and sex-related issues. Have you any advice about finding the right therapist?

I have finally given up drinking after another following incident. However, I find it difficult to relax in social situations without it: is there anything else that would help with this? Otherwise, I still find the urges very compelling but have my actions under control. I have no intention of going back to the mental health service but am thinking of taking emergency medication if need be. I have some Diazepam but that was prescribed for the anxiety relating to the situation. Do you think it is appropriate or would something else be better? If so, is there any way of obtaining it without having to have an appointment? (Bear in mind that I am in Britain - I tried getting Prozac but was put through the GP so would prefer other suggestions.)

I am waiting to see a forensic psycologist at the moment. my paraphilias are much different from yours im hoping these forensic people can help me..

pink wrote:I am waiting to see a forensic psycologist at the moment. my paraphilias are much different from yours im hoping these forensic people can help me..

It is worth a go, though they tend to deal with the risk of offending only. If you want help with the deeper issues, private therapy would make more sense. It also needs to be specifically about paraphilias: there is no point in going through the mental health service, as it is not a mental health problem as such.

Have read through the post again: I'm not convinced that I have a mental health problem. I am aware of consent, but find the urges very compelling and have been struggling to control the actions. I don't like to repeat myself, but this has particularly been the case, and still is the case, when drinking: I am not making excuses by telling you that just a few drinks and I have no control over how I behave. It probably doesn't help that I do not have a particularly high tolerance to alcohol as I do not drink much in the first place, but obviously I want to avoid getting drunk. Finding an outlet for aggression does not seem relevant, as I tend to express this in other ways. In light of this, do you think this is enough or should I get further treatment? I would also like to know if it is normal for someone with a paraphilia to react this way to alcohol, or does it seem particular to the situation?

Anon2 wrote:I would also like to know if it is normal for someone with a paraphilia to react this way to alcohol, or does it seem particular to the situation?

A lot of serial killers- who usually have pretty extreme paraphilias- say they were much more likely to kill when they had been drinking. Some of them even say that they'd want to kill sometimes, but couldn't make themselves do it until they were completely waisted. So, I know those cases are more extreme, but I think it still goes to show that alcohol can make you want to act out a paraphilia moreso than if you were sober.