Tempted to rape *May Trigger*

Sorry I'm coming in late to this conversation (just joined the site today).

I see a common thread to your urges: the pub. Can you not drink for the next month (at least?), as alcohol lowers inhibitions (probably true for most of us), plus it messes with the effectiveness of our medications.

Also, can you ask your therapist if you can see her more frequently until you start with the new mental health team? How often do you see her now?

Finally, I'm not really buying the "being thoughtful" by using a condom train of thought. As someone who has experienced rape I need to let you know that it's completely devastating, "safe" or not. I don't know what to suggest to help build empathy, but I do think that's one of the things to be working on with your therapist. I mean no judgement in saying this (if you read why I'm here, you will understand that empathy is something I need to learn, too).

Very glad that you are seeking professional help.

I'm willing to give up drinking for the next month if there is a good reason. The most difficult thing will be to explain to people why I'm doing so. It's fine with my friend, as he already knows.

I see her around once a fortnight at the moment. However, as far I'm aware, she does not deal with paraphilias so I doubt that seeing her more often will be particularly useful. I think anxiety and OCD are being ruled out now, but she seems to think I'm this nice, innocent, sweet guy who just wants a girlfriend. Even I have to admit that there's nothing nice, innocent or sweet about what I've been doing, even if it's only gone so far at the time of writing. And I know that I'm responsible for my actions, that just because it's tempting doesn't mean that I have to. Taking condoms isn't thoughtful at all, it just confirms that I'm not helpless. I think it's just that I've been living in denial: although it is being taken more seriously now, no-one sees the signs and patterns of a potential rapist, and if other people can't accept that there's an issue, I can't either, so I just carry on as normal. I find myself believing that I have it under control. I get cynical because I suspect that someone who was really going to do that wouldn't get help, and it makes me reluctant to bother people with something they don't think is a problem. The more help I request, the less risk there is in their eyes, and the less help I'll get. Do you know what I mean?

Yep, I totally know what you mean about asking for help being interpreted as you not really needing help in the first place.

Thing is, it's been my experience, so far, with the mental health system that this is not always true. For instance, when I was feeling suicidal I went to the ER. I thought that they would dismiss me, because I was there trying to explain myself rather than being down at the bridge getting ready to jump. Turned out they took me very seriously, and got me the help I needed. I have been back to the hospital several times since then (I'm bipolar, so these feelings come and go) and each time I have been taken seriously.

I learned that my fear of not being helped/listened to is really rooted in my childhood experiences, where I was 1. abused and not helped and 2. becoming bipolar and not taken to the doctor despite clear evidence of mental illness. Just because my parents failed to get me help, doesn't mean that the health system will fail me too.

I think the main thing is that you have to be 110% honest with your healthcare providers about what is happening, not just the thoughts, but the stalking incidents after a night at the pub. If you minimize or gloss over in any way they will not be able to help.

This week is the week I am getting in touch with my psych about my porn problem, and asking for a referral to a specialist unit. I am scared to death of being completely honest with her, but know at the same time that I can't get past this without complete disclosure.

About seeing her more than every two weeks, this will only help if she knows the full extent of your post-pub behaviours (and I admit I'm a little confused, does she know?). I think it's possible to be both things -- gentle and kind, etc -- as well as having this overwhelming urge to sexually assault someone. They are not mutually exclusive, although I know for myself I feel a strong thread of self-hatred in my use of underage porn. Obviously I'm not a doctor or some kind of mental health professional, just an anonymous person on the web, but I think what you are experiencing is some kind of complicated mental health problem, one that can be sorted out with treatment and maybe medication. But you have to take it seriously, and impress upon others, to the best of your ability, that they take it seriously too.

Finally, about the drinking. If the alcohol weakens your resolve then that is reason enough. You could always tell your friends, if they asked, that you are some kind of antibiotics and that you are not allowed to drink alcohol while on the pills.

Good luck with the psych. Keep me posted about what happens.

I'm not sure about about it being a general mental illness - I asked my therapist if I could plead diminished responsibility in court, and she told me that it wouldn't affect the outcome because I am too aware of the problem. It's strange, because I have other deviant tastes, but this is the only one that I find to be crossing the line. I went into a self-depreciating mode after that, and told her that I'll never like myself no matter what. I also said that I don't think anyone would take me seriously if I tried to rape them, that I have no effect on anyone whatsoever, so what I do doesn't matter. Although she offered therapy the week after, I know that she can be quite booked up and didn't think she'd want to listen after that, so I'm seeing her in the middle of January instead. I realise now it probably would have been a good idea to see her sooner, but it's how I felt at the time.To be honest, I wonder if anyone can really help. I don't think I'll end up being locked up, but it seems this could go on forever, and I don't want to give anyone an impossible job.

I do have an idea of how much drinking is safe, but it is easy to get carried away. It doesn't take a binge drink to render me out of control either - just a few pints and I just find myself following women. I thought I was over it last time I went out but it happened again- it was needing to sleep that put a stop to it. In theory, giving up alcohol for the next month is not much to ask. It just depends if I can take being the 'odd-one-out' in the pub, and whether my friends are going to be ok with it. They are not buying it at the moment, it's 'come on, can't you have just a couple?' Think it is going to be difficult to stick to, but can at least try.

I also said that I don't think anyone would take me seriously if I tried to rape them, that I have no effect on anyone whatsoever, so what I do doesn't matter.

You seriously think that a woman is not going to take it seriously if you try to force your penis inside her? To me, it honestly sounds like you might be trying to make excuses. Maybe you're trying to downplay the actual harm that raping a woman would cause.

Is it cause you want to get laid and have no avail? or hunger for the power of forcing someone into submission? Its normal for a human to be sexually frustrated and increasingly want to release its frustrations in copulation, and the concept of rape, isn't exclusive to our species but doing so entails social consequences, but you know that otherwise you wouldn't be here in the first place.

Use the internet to find some willing partner and have at it, let that beast out on a willing partner.

Kabuhi wrote:

I also said that I don't think anyone would take me seriously if I tried to rape them, that I have no effect on anyone whatsoever, so what I do doesn't matter.

You seriously think that a woman is not going to take it seriously if you try to force your penis inside her? To me, it honestly sounds like you might be trying to make excuses. Maybe you're trying to downplay the actual harm that raping a woman would cause.

I doubt that many (if any) women would actually let that happen. She is not going to be facing some brutal, sadistic monster. She is going to be facing a not particularly violent, not particularly determined, drunken pervert: someone who could probably be deterred just with harsh words. I've actually been more concerned about the harm being done to myself by a woman defending herself: but no-one seems to think about that.

It is probably true that it is difficult for me to fully understand the horrors of rape because, as a bloke, it is so unlikely to happen to you that you don't even consider it. And, sadly, experiencing it would probably be the only thing that would make me realise. However, I try to educate myself about it as much as I can, and try to consider what it does to someone.

bipedal wrote:Is it cause you want to get laid and have no avail? or hunger for the power of forcing someone into submission? Its normal for a human to be sexually frustrated and increasingly want to release its frustrations in copulation, and the concept of rape, isn't exclusive to our species but doing so entails social consequences, but you know that otherwise you wouldn't be here in the first place.

Use the internet to find some willing partner and have at it, let that beast out on a willing partner.

There are many theories about this, but I can't help being cynical about the idea that it's about not getting laid. At the risk of seeming like a loser, yes, it is an issue in my life, but it should probably be a secondary issue. There is evidence that a majority of people are turned off by the use of force and that people who are married still commit rapes. This is a relief to me, because if I really have to rape someone I have no reason to live at all. I think power has something to do with it, as I fantasise about being dominant and want to feel powerful in real life. Interestingly, I also find that the more attractive I find someone, the more tempted by it I am. I tend to feel funny about beautiful women: I fancy them strongly but I also fear and envy them, the liberty and the respect that they have in society.

By finding a partner, do you mean someone to act out the rape fantasies with or a 'vanilla' partner?

Anon, it sounds like you're feeling really powerless (that you "have no effect on anyone whatsoever"). It's very disconcerting to read that you don't think a woman would "take seriously" your attempt to rape her; being approached and physically attacked by a stranger who intends harm would be terrifying for anyone. It makes me sad to hear that you'd imagine otherwise, and it troubles me even more that you're so low in your sense of yourself that you doubt even the effect you'd have on a person in such a scary situation.

You don't need to experience rape to be able to acknowledge that acting on your desires is unacceptable, not just for your potential victim, but for your own sense of self. What you said about feeling conflicted in the presence of women you find attracted makes a lot of sense, and I think it's quite common. Beauty can seem threatening because it "controls" our response; we are attracted without consciously desiring to be attracted, and perhaps that makes you feel frustrated and out of control.

It seems to me you've said two things on this thread: one, that no one takes you seriously enough, and two, that people take you TOO seriously. Do you think that's accurate? You've written that you don't think your therapist "would want to listen" so you postponed meeting with her until January, and that you doubt if anyone can help you. At the same time, it seems like you really DO want help and you want people to listen and take you seriously. But you prevaricate on whether or not to stop drinking, whether or not to seek more help, whether or not you can be helped, etc.

You DESERVE help. It's not just about the potential harm you could cause another person, but the harm you are actively causing yourself now. Every thing you can do to help yourself feel more in control of your feelings, and what you can do to feel like you are able to lead a life that is healthy and satisfying to you, is a step in the right direction; stopping drinking is a good place to start. Surrounding yourself with people who bring out the best in you is another. If your therapist doesn't seem to be taking you seriously, look for another. If your friends and family brush your concerns off, keep approaching them for support. There's a lot more going on here than the desire to act out violently; there's a sense of self that is in shambles.

In a perfect world, what would you have that you don't have now? What could make you feel like you're an important part of other people's lives? What would make you feel at peace with yourself?

I truly wish you all the best. Please keep talking, and asking for help. The fact that you're here is a good sign; it means you're not at the end yet.

Sylvie

One could be threatened by societies implications of beauty, feeling inferior them selves aesthetically and socially? maybe wanting to show them (and yourself) their not so great, buy committing such an act? Maybe you've had to many instances of being made felt inferior by others, bullying for example the lack of respect and the want to rise above them? there could be much aggression stored in you. If you joined a marital art club or fighting thing you could take them out and hone yourself in better ways.
The idea for me of acting out such an act doesn't seem really good. Our brains are forever mailable and might begin to learn such behavior is 'normal' and 'healthy'. I think your just trying to kill 2 birds with one stone; aggression - show the world whose top dog, and sexually - ruff ruff (have really rough animistic 'relations'
your no loser, quite the man if you have to balls to talk about this stuff
Nothing is secondary in life, put yourself first, make you happy screw everyone (not literately lol) follow your desire but not at the risk of hurting others.