Possible Intergration - Need help understanding

Sara wrote:Now I'm thinking about the way in which orgasm dissolves the boundaries of the self - maybe that makes it easier for an integration to happen, when you're ready?

Yes, I think so. I think the dissolution of orgasm helps the insider to move out of the dissociative void and into the body. Certain mind altering drugs are known to have a similar dissolving effect, absent any sexual arousal and release.

I wrote about my integration with Alter 3 and then Alter 1 in more detail back in October 2011, in this thread: DID Forum: Spontaneous integration. Those two integrations have held. At first because in the past Alter 1 and Alter 2 always seemed to work as a pair I thought Alter 2 integrated with me along with Alter 1 but he (Alter 2) is still here as his separate self.

The website Sara2012 attached was very informative! I think it will answer most of your questions about how you feel. I like the word blending as it is a blending. Mine occurred so gradually that it was just natural. I still have integration to do and it's still scary, but the end result is more whole. If you wear glasses then imagine taking them off and seeing everything blurred and then putting them on and seeing the clarity. There's more clarity to yourself.

Hi! I was scared of integration but felt that it was the best thing for me to do. I chose my first integration.

What happened to me was that a part introduced herself to me, and then told me things that
I'd been hiding from myself- forgotten- and that I didn't need them anymore.
I cried, and cried, and it was painful, but I needed it. And when it was over, suddenly everything that I was confused about made sense- I could see the world from all their points of view, and it made up a big picture that made things seem less overwhelming and scary than they actually were.
I had all their thoughts, and abilities... I'll mention that the scary thoughts were less scary because I could see from other points of view so I could see they were irrational

I still have my gatekeeper, F. We still grow together. I don't know if he can actually integrate, he doesn't seem like a part. We have full co-consciousness now and we work together.
All my other parts/alters are us now and we can be all the silly and crazy we want to instead of them holding the personality, we have all of it!

The "real" challenge comes after integration, something no one really warned us about.
Then comes learning to live life as a "singleton" and to cope with everyday life without switching.
It was a little lonely at first and I wished a lot to be able to switch or just fade out of bad situations again, but I couldn't. But over time I got better and better at dealing with everyday life without dissociation. I learned new ways of doing things and coping with bad situations.
It wasn't easy but it's nice not having things so hectic anymore.

The second integration came about a year after the first, I had two previous parts fused together that surfaced as time went on, and they/she spontaneously integrated when I discovered that I had rejected the "dark" inside me and accepted that I was human and could have good and bad thoughts.
I didn't even notice until I realized that I was thinking the same things she was.

I've also had integration happen too soon, early on in my therapy. I had an integration happen- I forced it and it was bad. It only lasted an hour or so, because I wasn't ready for it.

I've become more of a "whole" person.. I used to be so stiff and joyless/emotionless. Now I have a full range of personality and emotions that continue to grow where I left off

Good luck in your healing!

There are oddly not that many barriers to us integrating. No one is hyper-committed to maintaining their individuality and all who can know we're all the same person. The littles who kind of get it don't want to remain children in a big man's body but they can't articulate much more than that. But my own sexuality, though shifting, has been too warped and doesn't match the body's. Until this is resolved, the gatekeeper has forbidden anyone from integrating with me, though we're not 100% positive he could prevent it. Marc has offered to integrate with me in the past because that isn't so much an issue for him and because he's not a "large" alter. He feels that what he had to offer I already learned and have, and he has little interest in taking over the body as others do. At one point, I had concerns that he was rather arrogant and what effect that might have on my presentation, but that trait seems to have softened, along with most of the extreme character traits of various people here.

I have read that gatekeepers aren't always able to integrate. Most aren't personalities the way other alters are. Certain things in my system have already shifted towards integration. We know the ability to lose time is gone and the ability to dissociate is mostly gone. What I call dissociating now is getting a little confused in therapy or during a flashback. The emotions even writing about integration right now are overwhelming, mostly good stuff, but simply overwhelming.

Johnny, I think I know where your thoughts are going. Do you know about Imago Therapy? That might be just the right approach for you.