DID without memory loss?

Alright, so this is my first time using this website. I assume that I have DID, but I never lose conciousness. I always just sort of take the back seat for a while. I have severely conflicting personalities that are well aware of each other. They often argue inside my head for days at a time, and it makes me a shut-in. I can't hold a conversation because I can't focus. The primary alternate personalities are a Christian personality and one than is constantly antagonizing my Christian self. One always comes with the other, playing off of each other and its driving me insane. This has eventually led to the creation of new sub personalities. I have my apathetic self, my outwardly angry at the world and all who emcompass it self, and my overly-sensitive, sympathetic self. I can only speculate that Ive invented these last three to deal with the first two. For the longest time, I couldn't sleep because they argued into the night. Now that I have more outlets, I sleep. I was a popular guy. A musician, with a great deal of friends. I'm 20 now, and already have the mentality of an old man, as I always feel death is right around the corner. In the one year since this has all began, I lost three jobs, my fiance, my friends, and my self confidence. I think that the reason I am posting this is to see if anyone else has ever been down this road and come out alright.

Many of us lose time and don't know it. In effect we have amnesia for our amnesia. Do you live with anyone? Ask them if they see any evidence of you having memory loss. My husband notices and tells me when I have lost time. Sometimes other people tell me. That is so embarrassing!

Hey TheGreatBigMouth, we too never noticed our memory loss and were in fact co-conscious most of the time so never noticed it. We had over 100 personalities at one point and couldn't hold a job to save our lives. No significant other, no life at all which is probably why we always seemed to suffer from depression.

I'm happy to tell you that if you work hard enough to achieve a stable system you can have a normal pretty happy life. Unfortunately I had to go through mental hospitals and shrinks to get there but I got there in the end and that's all that matters.

In only 2 years I went from an uncontrollable, depressive mess to the mother of a three month old son and the partner of a wonderful, understanding man. Been there, done that, came out just fine. I hope one day you can be too.

The major time loss for me happened decades ago in childhood, none of which I remembered until recently. The past few decades it's been only a loss of minutes once or twice a year.

It sounds like you need to build as much communication as possible with your alters. Everybody, including you, has to become willing for every alter to be there. They're already in your body and aren't going anywhere, so not welcoming them is pretty illogical. The chaos and disagreement can reduce dramatically with greater communication and setting up some agreements, in some cases some ground rules.

If what you have is DID, do you know if any of the alters have names? Names are not necessary, but many systems do have them and calling someone by a name is a lot easier and more respectful than hey you or even Christian guy. It's not going to do you any good over time to ignore your alters and hope they'll lay low. Sometimes they will but that will not go on forever. Pretty much guaranteed.

Well they dont have names that I'm aware of. I mean...should I ask them for names? Even if I tried I dont think that I could ask and get an authentic answer on command. So you can have memory loss and not be aware of it? I feel as if I remember my days. I couldnt ever tell anyone. Anonomously posting this is the farthest Ive ever come to revealing the inner workings of my mind. If I told someone they would try to send me to an institution and I would sjurely lose my job. And the looks people might give me if they knew. Looks loaded with judgemental overtones and fear of what they cannot comprehend. Im non-social as it is, but those looks would debilitating. I might never talk again and then Im forever caged inside with the others.

No one's going to send you to an institution, don't worry. Plenty of people just love to judge but if you do have DID, (I'm sorry no one here can actually diagnose you) no one's going to make you do anything you don't want to. The only way anyone can make you go to an institution is if you are a danger to yourself and DID does NOT make you a danger to yourself, it's simply proof that you survived where many others mightn't have. Please don't be scared of talking to someone about this if they can help you make sense of what's going on in your head.

The Great Big Mouth wrote:Well they dont have names that I'm aware of. I mean...should I ask them for names? Even if I tried I dont think that I could ask and get an authentic answer on command.

You can ask, or they can take the initiative and tell you. In all likelihood your insiders are reading your posts and our responses, and thinking it over. I like your alias: that pretty much describes how we all feel when we first start opening up and revealing our inner lives to the outside world.

The Great Big Mouth wrote:So you can have memory loss and not be aware of it? I feel as if I remember my days.

We remember only what we remember, not what we forget (or never experienced in the first place). After I first realized I have DID, for several months I couldn't find any lost time. And then I watched the movie Sybil, which simulates the subjective "glitch" of losing time and coming to at the end of it. Seeing that, I realized I do lose time. Here's an old thread from this DID forum that may help you notice if you are losing time:

DID Forum: a strange incident

Small steps, one at a time. One day at a time. You are on the road to a life that is richer and fuller and more wonderful and satisfying than you ever imagined was possible for you. You will find that your insiders possess a wealth of untapped resources and fine qualities.

Hello and welcome to the forum. I think it is good that you are reaching out here and trying to work out what is going on for you. If it helps, I was completely unaware of losing any time even though I do daily, so it is possible to just not notice that you are losing time...

Have you considered seeing a therapist to help you work through this stuff? Don't worry, they won't send you to an institution purely for having a mental health issue, otherwise half the population would be there. They usually only have people institutionalised who are at significant danger of severely harming themselves or others. You might find it really helpful to have a therapist in real life to talk these things over with too...

DID without memory loss is not unusual. But I also agree with Una's point. I didn't realise I was losing time until I looked. I don't lose tonnes of it. Only minutes. My assessor reported me as having "severe" amnesia though simply because of the amount of childhood I've lost to memory loss.

-- Mon Jun 18, 2012 3:55 pm --

Oh! and welcome to the forum

Well I would really liike to have a therapist. Sort of. Not really. But, I dont think that I could afford one at the moment. Besides, I work 7 days a week. I wouldnt have the time either. Anyway, I asked and got a name, but I dont trust him. He's a liar. I think I'll try and meditate on it tonight to try and see if things will coalesce. I thought about it some more and perhaps I do have a lapse of memory. Singular. Perhaps. I had a best friend for years and I remember a couple of months ago she kept sending me texts angry at me, seemingly, out of nowhere. We would be having a conversation and it would immediately take a wrong turn. I just assumed that she was being crazy...Time seemed to be consistent and not missing pieces, but I did always wonder why she thought that I was such an asshole. Another question, if I may...do you know who you really are or do you get lost in your alters. I can't find myself. I mean, I'm typing this, but I dont know that the I that is typing this is the I that truly is. Forgive me if Ive lost anyone. Its hard to describe.