Needing to let out the screams (triggers)

So, the last few days have been perfectly dreadful, and I have increasingly been hearing my kids screaming inside and needing to let those screams out. The safest place to do it would be in session, but there is no way that I am going to do it there, because my T's office is in an old, historic building with terrible sound control issues. They use white noise to cover regular and even slightly loud conversation up, but I know that everyone on that floor would hear me, if I let loose what was inside.

My husband works from home most of the time, but today he needed to travel for a meeting, so I knew that he would be gone for the whole day, so I decided to allow the kids to let out whatever they needed once he left. During the last 15 minutes or so while he was getting ready, I could hardly even stay on my feet and I just about had to crawl up the stairs to gather the nesting materials that I use to help me feel safer and more comforted. Once it started, it was like someone else had taken over my body, the best that I could do was to try to create a comforting shell around her and be a connection (slim as it was) to the fact that I am really in a here and now that is safe. I knew that there were screams in there, but I didn't realize that they would be as tormented as they are. I found my body acting out things, only some of which I could guess at what was going on. After awhile, I felt like someone was trying to tell me something, and when I asked what, it was at that point that I was drawn into the experience, and suddenly the different things that I have been experiencing this week made sense. It was horrible, and I find myself slipping back and forth between being solidly me and now and feeling drawn back into that place.

I was able to keep enough control over the situation, so that I stayed safe, but frankly, I am not comfortable with doing this alone, at home. What have other people found to do? I cannot be the only person who has issues with this...

I can relate to what you are saying. My therapist is trying to get me to loosen up in that way but he has sessions in his own home and sometimes I hear his partner pottering around downstairs... it just makes me far too self conscious to imagine that she'd be able to hear (and anyone else in neighbouring houses!)

Not yet found a solution to this. But what you described there sounds like a brilliant way of coping with it and I applaud you for your bravery and utility.

Bourbon

At the moment, I am just going to believe that none of our neighbors can here this, unless they come knocking on the door. Thank goodness we live in a single family dwelling that has old plaster walls and so is likely to keep the sound in.

At one point, I had a therapist who was a part of a small practice, only three partners and they had their own building that was built for their purposes, so the sound proofing was much above average. Her office was in the back, and often she was the only person in session at the times when I was there, so I felt much freer being vocal there. The practice did a lot of trauma work and I did hear someone else yelling 2 or 3 times during the 2 1/2 years that I was there. But it was relatively faint and my therapist used it as a way to help me see that it was OK for people to actually let the stuff that was trapped inside out, so it was OK. I wish that more building used for therapists were set up this well.

I don't know about bravery, I think that it was more desperation! I have been hearing the screaming for weeks and I knew that it wasn't going to stop if I kept it trapped inside.

As for the self conscious part, I really get that. I couldn't even do this while my husband is home, because I knew that he would feel like he should rescue me, but I know that there isn't actually anything that he can do. Even if I made that clear to him, I still would have been too worried about him to properly take care of me, if he had been home.

The Cat's Meow wrote:The practice did a lot of trauma work and I did hear someone else yelling 2 or 3 times during the 2 1/2 years that I was there.

I think perhaps if my T was in a trauma organisation type set up I'd feel a little bit more free-er? I think where it is his own home where his partner is pottering around getting on with her day I don't want to disturb! even though I am spending over the earth to be there...

I think a part of it with me as well is i'm still feeling self conscious in front of my therapist. Perhaps if he had a one-way mirror, or was somehow able to stand outside but still peep in to check we are okay, I would be able to release stuff a bit more. there's something about being able to see a face staring at you that puts me at unease !!

Bourbon

My therapist says I can make all the noise I want in her office but really that's not sensible.

Anyway, good luck processing this abreaction. Hang in there.

So many issues with negotiating the DID that we normally don't even think about. I live in a three-family condo with neighbor buildings just a few yards away and we've had to negotiate how to handle this. We've had about a hundred flashbacks and overwhelms where the crying can get loud. Fortunately nobody has wanted to scream yet, but close to it.

We've all absolutely lost it at times, including me and I'm the "calm" one, so we don't critique anyone for having the emotions and expressing them. We just want to be as careful as we can be.

We do not want to draw outsider attention (a big system no-no) so we all kind of know that if you feel something coming on, you need to close the windows or run into a closed room and, if it gets loud, cry into a pillow or blanket. Ashar can't really do this because he's mute and doesn't understand when we talk to him but we can muffle his overwhelms a tad by exerting influence on the body if he's getting loud. For a couple flashbacks though that has been impossible as the abreaction takes over the body and everyone. One of our biggest fears is someone hearing the crying (and even laughing) that the littles do. It's very high-pitched and we're pretty certain it sounds like a small child.

I guess we recommend finding the most sound-proof room or space possible and screaming into a pillow or bunched-up blanket or clothing. You can really let go then. Of course, limits may take-away the spontaneity but there are realistic concerns.

I go to the mountians and sit in the car let them scream

This is an older post but one I struggle with daily. My T's office is in a building with insurance agents, health care, you name it. My last most helpful T had a home, converted into nothing but psych offices, hers & two others, though I only once saw one other T there - no clients. She even had a Koi pond in the inner office beside the receptionist desk to muffle the sound which was awesome. I never heard a peep in the 7 years that I sat in the waiting room. However, I hear ppl talking/laughing in the next room of my current T & this will always stop me from releasing except on holidays which he is willing to work but that's like twice a yr. Why can't Ts understand that if you have trauma issues & they wish to treat you, you just don't want it placed in the daily paper!

It sounds like that was a great set up at the old T's office. I wish that there was a good solution for this.

Fortunately, for me, it has become much less of an issue, because we did an all out effort on reducing the hyperstimulation and the flashbacks since the beginning of June. It has been very successful and now we are very, very slowly starting to look at things again, paying close attention to my ability to tolerate what is being brought up.

How about scheduling a session on the weekend or early morning or late in the day, when all the other offices are closed?

Can you let the screams out on your own? At home?