I'm confused about me

Hello , I am new here. I am pretty new to the concept of support group and to therapy, however I have been trying to do a lot of self help books, writing, talking with friends, but overall speaking with knowledgeable people or professional people isn't something that I have done much of.

I am confused about what has been going on with me. I had been going to therapy for almost 6 months. At first when I started therapy I would cry, and feel small and meek, which considering the situation didn't surprise me, because I do that at the Dr.s office too. I have bad child experiences with Dr.'s (we were very poor growing up, and I only saw Dr.'s when I was hurt or very sick, never on good terms). After a few weeks of going to therapy I was able to have conversations and banter like we were friends, My therapist was helping me a lot and I felt like I was beginning to trust him. I felt like I was being myself.

Then he started to say things like he was my friend, trust me, he appreciated this about me, complimented me for this and that. His words made me feel uncomfortable and anxious, I didn't understand why he was saying these things. I tried not to focus on these words that he was saying to me, instead I tried to focus on the therapy as a whole. Then, I started to have a huge change in my demeaner and attitude towards him. I start to get anxious the day before therapy, then I would walk into his office and feel anger... I would speak oppositionally to him, I would become defiant to his suggestions, even though they were only suggestions. I would say things to him and he would say where did that come from. After therapy I could leave and feel like I was regaining myself. I remember when I was young and being abused regularly... I would get angry like this, I would direct my anger towards my Mother. I would remember not wanting to be so defiant but it didn't matter, I just didn't feel like I was in control of what was happening to me and couldn't control my emotions either.

It's rather scary, because I don't know what is happening to me. Could I have DID? I don't lose time, I am fully aware of what is happening, however I do feel as though there are aspects of my personality that take over my rational self? I don't know what is happening to me... sometimes I feel so rational in control and other times I just feel out of control and I do things that "I" wouldn't do, I behave in ways that aren't like me. I stopped seeing my therapist because I was embarrassed that I couldn't control my anger around him, he didn't stop me from leaving either... I think he was relieved to see me go. I felt my anger leave me when I stopped going to therapy.

OH one other thing that my be interesting. When I was in therapy, my body started to feel like it was vibrating, but my husband could not feel it when he touched me. It worried me enough to see a naturopath she tested my cortisol levels and neurotransmitters. My cortisol levels were off the charts high with only a very minor drop that occurred in the middle of the day, most of my transmitters were elevated too. She said that my body is telling me that a bear is chasing me and is going to eat me.

Any insight would be appreciated. No one has ever told me specifically what is wrong with me... but then again I don't go to the Dr. nor did I hang around the therapist long enough to ask what he thought was wrong with me.

Hi, there. I'm no doc but what you describe sounds consistent with DDNOS (dissociative disorder - not otherwise specified), a dissociative disorder diagnosis for a condition like dissociative identity disorder (DID) but with ego states rather than alters, though I'm dissociation-centric in my thinking seeing as how I have DID. There are many people on this board whose condition fits DDNOS more closely than DID. Amnesia and losing time is fairly common with DID and alters, but less so with DDNOS and ego states. But being taken over by another part of yourself is common to both.

In DID and DDNOS both, it's common to have one or more parts that hold intense anger. Now even if you have DDNOS, any single therapist might determine that you have BPD, borderline personality disorder, as symptoms overlap somewhat. Another might give you another diagnosis. Misdiagnosing dissociative disorders as something else is still extremely common, unfortunately. In fact, all the above may exist on some hypothetical spectrum of disorders.

There are online tests that you can take for yourself that can help you determine whether a dissociative disorder may be consistent with your symptoms. Others can better point you towards these resources.

I love your subject heading, TyedAlive. I don't know if you meant to be humorous or ironic but it's kind of both and probably describes how everyone on this board has felt at one time. I'm pretty confused about me daily even though I know the basics of what's wrong with me and what happened to cause it.

Nobody on here can actually tell you what exactly is going on with you, but from what you describe it sounds like some sort of PTSD. Having extreme reactions similar to your interactions with parental figures is actually normal and part of the method behind most therapies. Your anger reactions and anxiety were likely due to something being stirred up from your past. Your naturopath described it well. PTSD is extreme anxiety in triggered situations, high cortisol levels, and that shaking feeling is the subjective experience of extreme anxiety and/or panic. Anger, btw, is also very common when one is so highly aroused. It's too bad that your t didn't handle your reactions well. But, at the same time, a t should be willing to let you go if that's what you want to do. In any case, you might benefit from finding a t who specializes in trauma and who can handle what your reactions. You need to be able to let it all out in therapy, regardless of how angry or defiant you feel- that's what therapy is for...to work through what you couldn't before.

Johnny-Jack wrote: DDNOS (dissociative disorder - not otherwise specified), a dissociative disorder diagnosis for a condition like dissociative identity disorder (DID) but with ego states rather than alters...

I was hoping someone else would address this so I don't have to. I am confused. My thinking was that DDNOS-1 and DID both have alters, but there is less of a dissociative boundary between the Alters in DDNOS-1. The time loss happens when there are two or more Apparently Normal Parts, which is absent in DDNOS-1 because there is always just one Apparently Normal Part, but there can be numerous emotional parts.

What you wrote JJ makes sense in that the dissociative boundary causes Alters and thus DID, but ... I am not sure alters are exclusive to DID. Could someone straighten me out please?

Now Complex PTSD is different. I think this is where you find ego states - but I am not sure. I never thought of it as you wrote it before JJ.

Am I wrong?

More
"A person who felt she had alternate personalities but in whom those personalities were not fully developed or autonomous or who was always the personality in control might be diagnosed DDNOS, as might someone who suffered depersonalization episodes but not of the length and severity required for diagnosis"
http://www.palace.net/llama/psych/diag.html

DDNOS-1
Symptoms: Dissociated and compartmentalized parts, but the major hallmark symptoms of DID such as current time loss are not present. This means time loss in a present day, not an inability to remember childhood. In some cases this can actually be harder to treat than DID.
Etiology: Similar to DID etiology
Structural Dissociation: 1 ANP and 2 or more EP



More info..
http://dx-dissociative-identity-disorde ... ative.html

-- Thu Mar 15, 2012 9:46 pm --

This is a great description of DID Etiology:
Merek Manual - "Children are not born with a sense of a unified identity; it develops from many sources and experiences. In overwhelmed children, many parts of what should have blended together remain separate. Chronic and severe abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional) and neglect during childhood are frequently reported by and documented in patients with dissociative identity disorder. Some patients have not been abused but have experienced an important early loss (such as death of a parent), serious medical illness, or other overwhelmingly stressful events. In contrast to most children who achieve cohesive, complex appreciation of themselves and others, severely mistreated children may go through phases in which different perceptions, memories, and emotions of their life experiences are kept segregated. Such children may over time develop an increasing ability to escape the mistreatment by “going away” or retreating into their own mind. Each developmental phase or traumatic experience may be used to generate a different self-state."

Hello Flutterfly and welcome to the forum.

Overall, I think while you are talking on the forum, it's probably not hugely important to iron out the distinct differences in between diagnoses and work out where you fit exactly. When it comes down to it, all of the diagnoses mentioned by everyone here could be a possibility for you given what you've described in your post, but all of the diagnoses exist on the continuum of dissociation in different degrees of severity. I think it's less important that you work out which diagnosis you would have (as you can get a professional to help you with that) and more important that you can recognise that yes, from what you have written, it certainly sounds as if you are experiencing some degree of dissociation. So feel free to stick around here and discuss anything you see as relevant to helping you move forward. The DDNOS and PTSD forums are not that active so even if it is one of those, you might want to talk about your issues here anyway because here is the most active place related to dissociative issues.

Do you think you will consider seeing another therapist to help you work out all of this stuff? I think it would also be beneficial for you to have a new and trustworthy therapist so that you can work through your past experience with that other therapist...

Tylas, I want to respond briefly to your question without hijacking this thread. But it is important to the original question at hand as well.

All the terms of "ego states" "ANP's" "hosts", etc. are all conceptualized theories that are not actually tangible things. As much as alters may feel like real people, they are, in actually, still part of one person. I think most of us can agree on that. These concepts are based on different scientists and patients' perceptions of a phenomenon that is nearly impossible to accurately describe. There is not enough hard research out there to definitively decipher any true hard line between PTSD, Complex PTSD, BPD, DDNOS, DID, and often times Schizophrenia (psychosis and loss of reality can occur with any of these disorders and are quite common). These are all on a similar continuum with many overlapping experiences that most often are based in trauma, extreme stress, and early loss. Getting so hung up on the specifics will certainly cause confusion and might drive a person bonkers, because so much of this is not hard science and is not actually conceptualized well. The different terms are often used differently by different people. Much of the research I have read considers all alters to be ego states that are just further dissociated from awareness than in the normal person. Personally, I find this to make the most sense, especially once you get into the neuroscience of it.

To Flutterfly, it is most important that you find a T who fully validates your perception and experience of things, who can work with all parts of you, who is trained in treating trauma, and who doesn't push medication on you. They will help you to figure out what makes the most sense to you, and you hopefully should feel safe in revealing all of your experiences as you see them.

boopsy26 wrote:Tylas, I want to respond briefly to your question without hijacking this thread. But it is important to the original question at hand as well.

Yeah, let's move it to a new one.
dissociative-identity/topic85186.html

Flutterfly, I've had similar experiences -- the strange feeling that my whole body vibrates, which used to happen particularly lot in 2005-ish when R first surfaced. I've never made a connection between him and the feeling, but it could be more than just a coincidence.
Moreover, I react to certain persons in the same way you described, feel the need to be defiant without any reason at all, and those people have been friendly and encouraging towards me. I haven't been able to pinpoint why my alarms go off like this because it doesn't happen with everyone who is nice to me.

Thanks for the support, comments and suggestions. I hope to continue working on myself and hopefully learn from this very supportive group. I have connected with a new therapist that has experience specifically with persons that were abused as children... hopefully I can figure me out. Thanks again

Reply to the first post....

Perhaps it's because he is male.