what should I do?

Okay so I called my current T today (the one I felt no connection with) and left her a message letting her know that it just doesn't feel like a good fit, and that I've made the decision not to continue together. I told her (in the message) that it was more to do with my feelings of the therapy not "fitting" for me, and nothing to do with anything she did specifically. I told her she seemed very good at what she does, but it just wasn't really meshing for me. I thanked her for her time, and told her I really appreciated everything she had done for me up until this point.

She called me back (I didn't have my ringer on) and left me a message. She sounded upset, but it sounded like she was trying hard to sound professional. She said she still wants me to come in for our session tomorrow, and that she thinks it's important that we talk about this in person, regardless of whether or not we'll continue together. She expressed her own hopes that I would at least try to give it another couple of months, since we've only seen each other for a month now. She said she doesn't usually have such strong feelings about someone ending therapy, but in this case she does, and that she'd like to talk to me further if and when we see each other tomorrow. (Tomorrow is our regularly scheduled appointment.)

Ugh. What do I do??? She almost sounded like she was going to cry! I also don't want to tell her I've already found someone else, because that feels like a stab in the back. I thought that she would call and leave me a nice message saying something like, "Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but everyone is different, and has different needs, and so I respect your decision..." or something like that. Now I don't know what to do. I have issues with hurting people in general, and that's one of the reasons I put it off for so long... I also wanted to make sure I had someone else lined up before I ended things with her, so that I would always have the proper support that I needed.

This therapist is very nice. Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with her. I just never felt a connection. It never clicked. In fact, something about her kinda rubbed me the wrong way. I don't know what it was, but I just didn't feel like I could tell her anything or open up to her. Maybe I took the wimpy way out, rather than addressing this with her. But some people you just don't click with, right? There's nothing wrong with that, is there?

I HATE feeling like I hurt someone, or that I did something, in her mind, hastily and without thought. I'm also afraid of going in to talk to her in person, because what if she convinces me to continue seeing her when I don't really want to! I have a really hard time being direct sometimes when I feel like I might hurt someone's feelings. I thought that by saying, "It just didn't feel like the right fit" that she would get the picture and realize that I just didn't feel a connection. But I think that she thinks that I am running from my problems or something. Ugh.

Any advice? Please???

Brandic, you sound more professional than the T does! For what it's worth, I'd feel exactly the same way. Plus, I'd feel pressured. You're under no obligation to tell her you've found another therapist. Plus, she might make you feel guilty about it, and there's nothing to feel guilty over.

If you want to meet with her one more time to tell her in person and find out what she really wants to say, I'd tell her just what you said here. That there's nothing wrong with her and that it just wasn't a good fit. (I'd skip the rubbing you the wrong way part though, ha ha)..

I am an SO of a man who has DID. I'M in therapy to help cope! I'm on my second T. The first one rubbed me wrong in a BIG way because he didn't believe in DID! I never made another appointment, and found a specialist in dissociative disorders. It's going much better.

Best of luck to you!

I think if she had responded differently, and not so strongly (and emotionally), that I would have absolutely no problem going in and seeing her one last time for a "closure" session. However, I'm now quite nervous about the prospect, because I do feel like she's going to try to pressure me or something. Or at least that's what I'm afraid of. But if I don't go to see her in person, then I'm afraid she's going to think I am running from something.

I like things to end on a nice note, whenever possible! I just am surprised at her response, and I don't know the best course of action. I feel like it's a lose/lose. If I go see her (which I really don't want to), it's going to be uncomfortable and awkward. If I don't go see her, there will be something left hanging in the air, and I know she'll be upset.

I know I shouldn't be worrying about her feelings, but it's hard not to. I really don't want her to remember me and think of me as the girl who "ran from therapy." A part of me feels that I should just go, however difficult it will be, and stand my ground, and be very clear and straightforward. I just really don't want to. I already know that I don't want to see this person anymore. Why do I have to drive all the way out there (about an hour) just to sit in front of her and tell her the same things I said on the voicemail message! I just don't know...

Sorry everyone... now I feel bad that I'm wasting everyones time on here on such a minor thing.

Ugh. MAJOR UGH! I totally understand why you are feeling the way you do right now.

After my therapist terminated me, someone on this board said something that really hit home. Therapists are human, and they can get triggered too. She practically admitted that this was pretty triggering for her when she said she usually doesn't react this way.

Before I say anything else, I want to say this is YOUR therapy, YOUR life. Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with. That being said though, maybe a "closure" session would be good for you? You are not married to any one particular therapist. Things are still very much in the beginning stages, both with this current T you have and the new one you called. I don't think she was trying to make you feel guilty or anything, especially if it sounded like she was trying to sound professional over the phone. But you may end up feeling more guilty if you don't talk it out in person.

You definitely don't have to tell her you contacted another T though. I mean you haven't even met her yet, it was just a phone call. I can't tell you how many Ts I have made appointments with, only to cancel before the first one and say "I found someone I am comfortable working with, thank you anyway." Maybe you should at least meet the new T in person before making a final decision on the switch( no pun intended ). I know when I went for round number 2, I thought she was a winner, until my second session lol! It all just went downhill from there.

Again, I'm sorry this happened, because I imagine this really threw you for a loop. A real ironic turn of events! Keep your cool, and remember you haven't done anything morally or ethically wrong, in my opinion. It sounds like this T may have her own personal reasons for feeling the way she does. But nevertheless, that's not your problem, and hopefully if you do end up sticking with her, she will be able to separate these feelings from therapy so that the focus is on you, the client.

Hugs if wanted, PM me if you just feel like getting your thoughts and feelings heard

-- Tue Nov 01, 2011 9:34 pm --

brandic wrote:Sorry everyone... now I feel bad that I'm wasting everyones time on here on such a minor thing.

This is not minor! You are wasting no one's time!!!

Could you phone her and say essentially what you just wrote, over the phone and not in a voicemail? I mean just wait until the two of you are able to make contact via phone before getting into things? She may be able to give you more insight into what she wants to say "in person", and that may help relieve some of your anxiety on the matter.

Sorry I hate to start talking about myself, but I can't help but relate my own experience. When my T called and terminated our relationship in a voicemail, I was so cut up. I won't ever forget it, and she did indeed sound very emotional and like she was trying to be professional! I felt awful and as if I had hurt her. Which I'm sure I did but that was a totally different situation obviously.

When I actually spoke to her on the phone though, all that was gone, like she had had time to collect herself and she was able to just be professional with me again. What I'm trying to say is, it sounds like the next step is talking to her on the phone at least, if you do indeed make the decision to NOT go in for a closure session.

I really hope I'm not sounding pushy or anything. I know if it were me though, I would probably want to at least meet the new T in person before calling it all off with the current one. Maybe you could reschedule the "closure" session until after you have met the new one??? That would give you more time to collect your own thoughts and feelings about everything, as well.

She expressed her own hopes that I would at least try to give it another couple of months, since we've only seen each other for a month now. She said she doesn't usually have such strong feelings about someone ending therapy, but in this case she does, and that she'd like to talk to me further if and when we see each other tomorrow.

WTF?!?! This is not appropriate to say that after one month, maybe, maybe, maybe a lighter version of that after a couple years. It matters not in the least that she has strong feelings, not in the freakin least. Red lights are flashing in my brain. I've met this therapist before. I think I went to her three different times and she was always a man and looked different each time and had a different name. In other words, I've met her type before. HONK, BEEP-BEEP, AH-OO-GAH, NO!

Sorry everyone... now I feel bad that I'm wasting everyones time on here on such a minor thing.

I don't think it's minor, I've actually encountered it several times, something very like it, and it's SCARY. Therapists should not be acting like that. It's manipulative and very wrong.

One thing. Are you YAVIS? YAVIS stands for young, attractive, verbal, intelligent, successful*. Every therapist in the world wants to deal with patients who are YAVIS. If so, you're almost always going to get this response from a T and most of them will want to keep you coming. Therapists deal with a lot of patients whom they can't really help heal, they can just help them maintain the severe illnesses they have. You're rewarding to work with and you're curable!

On top of all that, Caroline, you are absolutely addicted to pleasing people and worrying about their feelings, wondering if you said anything that might in someway have hurt someone and if you're being nice enough. The flip side of that, and thank goodness for it, is your ANGER. I'll just bet you're WONDERFUL for any therapist to deal with. Heck, why would they want to lose that? They get addicted to you! My comments here are not a slam at all but I think you know that. Don't give in and don't go back. Trust your intuition and the judgments you've made. They're reasonable and wise.

*I've also heard vital for verbal and sensitive for successful, but whatever, it's an acronym for "I'd like all of my patients to be like this please"

I left her a message basically saying that I don't think it is necessary to have an in-person session, and suggested we talk on the phone at the time we would normally have our regular session tomorrow. That way, we can talk about it, and she can discuss whatever she wanted to discuss. But since we won't be in person, I won't feel any more obligation or pressure to appease her or agree to continuing to see her. I'm basically going to reiterate the same thing I said on the voicemail message, and the same thing I've said on here. I felt that this was a good compromise. I need to take care of myself first and foremost. I can make decisions about my own life, and I don't have to do what she wants me to do. I don't have to have another session with her if I don't want to.

Johnny-Jack wrote:HONK, BEEP-BEEP, AH-OO-GAH, NO!

John LOL!!!
[you always seem to be able to put a smile on my face!]

Johnny-Jack wrote:One thing. Are you YAVIS? YAVIS stands for young, attractive, verbal, intelligent, successful*. Every therapist in the world wants to deal with patients who are YAVIS. If so, you're almost always going to get this response from a T and most of them will want to keep you coming. Therapists deal with a lot of patients whom they can't really help heal, they can just help them maintain the severe illnesses they have. You're rewarding to work with and you're curable!

It's strange to admit this, but yes I do think I'm a YAVIS lol. I've always been told I express myself very well, and therapists in particular have always commented on how insightful I am and how well I "know myself." I've just never had a therapist react as strongly as this one did when I ended the therapy, especially after just one month! Thank you JJ (and divided) for reminding me to trust my gut. I tend to question myself at times. I feel like I have made the right decision. (Can you imagine how she'd react if I had waited a year and then tried to end it???)

Johnny-Jack wrote:On top of all that, Caroline, you are absolutely addicted to pleasing people and worrying about their feelings, wondering if you said anything that might in someway have hurt someone and if you're being nice enough.

Yes, this is sadly true. I worry way too much about how my actions affect other people, and I worry very much about upsetting them and hurting their feelings. Why do I do that??!! (rhetorical question - I actually have a clue as to what the answer is )

When my old therapist did this I freaked out and never rang her back... so the fact you're facing it head on shows your real strength!

I like Johnny-Jack's advice a heck of a lot better lol!

Johnny-Jack wrote:One thing. Are you YAVIS? YAVIS stands for young, attractive, verbal, intelligent, successful*. Every therapist in the world wants to deal with patients who are YAVIS. If so, you're almost always going to get this response from a T and most of them will want to keep you coming. Therapists deal with a lot of patients whom they can't really help heal, they can just help them maintain the severe illnesses they have. You're rewarding to work with and you're curable!

That makes SO much sense.

Don't worry brandic, I too am addicted to pleasing people, and I hope someday this changes lol! Sometimes my life revolves around whether or not others are happy. Cuz if they're happy, they won't be mean Not to mention I just freaking hate to hurt other people's feelings cuz I myself am extremely sensitive and would hate to put that kind of pain on someone else. But that is not what you are doing in this situation, you are not causing her any pain. She may be upset for her own reasons, but it has nothing to do with your choice to terminate.

Good luck when you call her and let us know how it goes

Well i know i posted on here last night. I dont know where it went. Anyway, trust ur instincts. And u r not meant to mother ur thearpist. Ur doing good, and everyone gave really good advise. I posted on another forum and then the next day it wasnt there either. Well i will pay more attention. I thought i had looked at them 2 make sure they posted. Maybe not.
Let us know how the phone appt goes k

divided said:
Don't worry brandic, I too am addicted to pleasing people, and I hope someday this changes lol! Sometimes my life revolves around whether or not others are happy. Cuz if they're happy, they won't be mean Not to mention I just freaking hate to hurt other people's feelings cuz I myself am extremely sensitive and would hate to put that kind of pain on someone else. But that is not what you are doing in this situation, you are not causing her any pain. She may be upset for her own reasons, but it has nothing to do with your choice to terminate.

I absolutely used to be just this way too. Fortunately, over time Quato got absolutely fed up with the to-him nauseating niceness and through his passive and opposite influence, I moved to a helpful median. And, by switching to him without me knowing it was him, we could do a verbal b*tch-slap and cut the strings with certain people from his overwhelming nihilism, cynicism, and skepticism about any human motivation anywhere. Yeah, he's dying to add a little more "colorful" language about your brief therapist's "pain" but I think we'll leave it with that. Sorry, Quato, but you know why.