what should I do?

just one thought,

maybe she just wants to make sure you are in therapy with someone? Maybe she was emotional because she thought you were quitting therapy and really felt that you need therapy. Maybe if you tell her you are trying someone else, you can assure her you are getting the therapy you need. If she is a professional about it she will understand that while she might not be able to fit your needs, someone else can, and should.

I don't know, just a different pov.

Sam

hey brandic, how did the phone call go?

We had a really good conversation. Probably the first real, honest conversation that we've ever had. Well, first on my part anyway. I think this T has been present and open and supportive all along, but I've been very guarded and closed off and... well... deceitful. I have walked in to every session with a smile on my face, exuding calm and confidence, despite all the crazy turmoil going on inside. I was determined (in a fairly unconscious way) to keep her at arms length because I had just been hurt very badly by a T, and I was gonna make damn sure that was not going to happen again.

Okay so yeah the phone conversation. Umm... basically she asked for my reasons for leaving, and I very clearly and eloquently expressed how I just wasn't feeling a connection and felt that it wasn't the right fit. I can't remember exactly what she said, but it got around to the point of her suggesting that maybe I was closing myself off because of how much hurt I felt from my previous T. The way she was talking though was not at all emotional or trying to convince me of anything. Just very open and honest and straightforward. And I realized she was right. I was so determined to not let her in, that I was shutting her out. And as a result I was closing off trust and therefore closing off connection. At some point in the conversation she said, "I'm not sure, but maybe you are afraid I'm going to abandon you...?" When she said that I had a really strong visceral reaction inside. She definitely hit a nerve. That's exactly what I'm afraid of. That she's going to abandon me the same way my last T abandoned me. Therefore I'm going to do whatever it takes to make sure I don't get hurt. Ugh even writing this just makes me have the tight pain in my chest and the knots in my stomach. I am deathly afraid of being abandoned again.

Okay I need to stop thinking about this for now, I feel like I'm gonna have a panic attack.

Take this decision slowly. If this is to do with abandonment then it will happen with every therapist. I'm glad this therapist was able to open this issue up for you even if it does leave you feeling pretty rotton now. Fear of abandonment is a massive issue and something I have always struggled with as well. You are not alone. Come back and tell us more about what you are thinking when you are ready.

Bourbon

Wow. I must say it was difficult for me to read that, though I'm glad I did. I was thinking of how I present myself in therapy versus how I present myself at work(I'm on break right now). I don't feel like either is fake, which confuses me, but they are SO different.

At work, I am much more vulnerable, I think because I am around a lot of very real, positive people, who seem to embrace me for who I am. All my quirks, all my talking to myself out loud, all my weirdness. I also get hurt at work VERY easily. I got super triggered when my manager was telling me about some things I can work on when I'm closing, I guess I didn't do such a great job last night. On the outside I was nodding with understanding and agreement, but on the inside I wanted to cry.

Lately, the last few sessions in therapy, I have this real tough girl attitude about me. Kind of "oh well I don't give a $#%^" teenager type deal. What in the world? Argh it makes me wonder who I AM!!!!

Sorry I guess my point is, I think I probably have the same problem. I am VERY SCARED I could screw up with my current T. I apologize in therapy constantly, to the point where she told me to stop. I am so concerned that I will do something to offend her or make her not want to work with me. Just writing this I feel the worst feeling creeping up. Lol I can't cry or anything cuz I'm in the library.

You've really inspired me to bring up my own abandonment issues with my own T now. I don't think healing is possible if I continue to be under this constant fear that I could do something wrong.