Curious *may trigger*

Hi Linaeve,

I just want to say welcome to this forum. From the sounds of it, you're in the right place. As I'm sure you're noticing, this is a great place to be able to voice well, really anything. Thoughts, concerns, worries... and know that it is safe and that people just want to help and support each other.

I really feel for you and your pain. I struggled for many years with feelings of depression, sadness, suicidal thoughts, angry voices, feeling 'possessed'... I was diagnosed with bipolar myself. It wasn't until my therapist a couple months ago suggested DID that I truly started feeling some semblance of control in my life. Since then, it's been like a barrage of 'stuff' - alters, I guess, and their various emotions, thoughts, feelings, fears, etc etc. I go back and forth about it - do I "have" alters, do I not have alters...? I've found that when I can be most open, loving, and accepting of myself (which can be really hard!) is when I feel the most sane. When I doubt the parts inside, well that's when the craziness seems to get even worse. It was like, for me anyway, they were dying to be heard and recognized. They just needed someone to say, I hear you and I do believe you exist.

A book that might help, or that helped me anyway, was called Amongst Ourselves by Tracy Alderman and Karen Marshall. It's a DID self-help book of sorts.

Just know that you are not alone with all this stuff. I'm glad you reached out on here. I hope you find it as helpful and supportive as I have.
Caroline

brandic wrote:Hi Linaeve,

I just want to say welcome to this forum. From the sounds of it, you're in the right place. As I'm sure you're noticing, this is a great place to be able to voice well, really anything. Thoughts, concerns, worries... and know that it is safe and that people just want to help and support each other.

I really feel for you and your pain. I struggled for many years with feelings of depression, sadness, suicidal thoughts, angry voices, feeling 'possessed'... I was diagnosed with bipolar myself. It wasn't until my therapist a couple months ago suggested DID that I truly started feeling some semblance of control in my life. Since then, it's been like a barrage of 'stuff' - alters, I guess, and their various emotions, thoughts, feelings, fears, etc etc. I go back and forth about it - do I "have" alters, do I not have alters...? I've found that when I can be most open, loving, and accepting of myself (which can be really hard!) is when I feel the most sane. When I doubt the parts inside, well that's when the craziness seems to get even worse. It was like, for me anyway, they were dying to be heard and recognized. They just needed someone to say, I hear you and I do believe you exist.

A book that might help, or that helped me anyway, was called Amongst Ourselves by Tracy Alderman and Karen Marshall. It's a DID self-help book of sorts.

Just know that you are not alone with all this stuff. I'm glad you reached out on here. I hope you find it as helpful and supportive as I have.
Caroline

Thank you for the welcome. I will definitely be looking into some books, and other helpful tidbits. You said you were diagnosed bipolar; how is bipolar and DID the same? I do have manic episodes and, if I don't take my meds, I will get very, very angry. It's as if all the emotions hit at once, and only anger is strong enough to break my 'wall'.

Una, I tried calling those three, and others. Unfortunately, it looks like my insurance company will not allow me to see other doctors because it is considered a 'double whammy' or something like that...seeing two doctors at once. I keep trying to tell them I want to get rid of the one I'm seeing now, but they won't allow that because I MUST see a military psychologist... ugh.

I found a few of my old 'writings'. Would you be interested in reading them? They are short pieces where I'm pretty much talking to myself, but it doesn't make sense. I used to call them my 'schizo writing', and I say that with respect; I had no other name for them.

LinaeveWorkman wrote:how is bipolar and DID the same? I do have manic episodes and, if I don't take my meds, I will get very, very angry. It's as if all the emotions hit at once, and only anger is strong enough to break my 'wall'.

BD and DID have some symptoms in common, but if the inexplicable emotions are coming from an alter then they are explicable, you just don't know what the reasons are, and the most appropriate and effective treatment is psychotherapy for that alter rather than medication.

LinaeveWorkman wrote:Una, I tried calling those three, and others. Unfortunately, it looks like my insurance company will not allow me to see other doctors

You would have to pay out of pocket? Did any of them know a contract psychologist with your service in your area? Can you go to someone with another service? How about contacting your psychologist's chain of command? Or ask your psychiatrist to help you find a more qualified psychologist.

LinaeveWorkman wrote:I found a few of my old 'writings'. Would you be interested in reading them? They are short pieces where I'm pretty much talking to myself, but it doesn't make sense. I used to call them my 'schizo writing', and I say that with respect; I had no other name for them.

Sure.

You don't have to read 'em if you don't want to. ;p I was hoping someone would say 'hey, I do that! That is you talking to your alters and not just you acting nuts!'

You would have to pay out of pocket? Did any of them know a contract psychologist with your service in your area? Can you go to someone with another service? How about contacting your psychologist's chain of command? Or ask your psychiatrist to help you find a more qualified psychologist.

Yes, I would have to pay out of pocket. None of them knew of a specialist in my area at all. The last time I tried to pull away from this psychologist, he turned everything around on me and asked why I was being so difficult. I'm being difficult because he hasn't helped me for squat! Sorry...going on a rant there... I know more about that guy's dog and garden, and vitamin use, than any useful psychotherapy. I think the only things he's told me were to meditate, eat right, exercise, and use daily affirmations. Those may be good things to some people, and I have been eating right/exercising more, but the rest doesn't work for me and just stress me out more.

I may ask my psychiatrist if there is a more appropriate psychologist to see. My psychiatrist has been very helpful so far.

Linaeve, I'm definitely interested in reading your writings, as I'm sure others would be on here, if you felt comfortable sharing.

LinaeveWorkman wrote: You said you were diagnosed bipolar; how is bipolar and DID the same? I do have manic episodes and, if I don't take my meds, I will get very, very angry. It's as if all the emotions hit at once, and only anger is strong enough to break my 'wall'.

Well, it's very tricky. Many symptoms can overlap, and many DID people present symptoms that are present in other disorders. Two of the more common things people who are DID seem to be misdiagnosed as are 1) schizophrenic and 2) bipolar. Schizophrenia because of the hallucinations, delusions, hearing voices, etc. Bipolar because of the extreme, sudden, unexplained fluctuations in mood. I can really really relate to your overwhelming sense of anger, and not being able to keep it at bay. I have experienced the same thing. I'm not sure that's mania though, it could be really angry alters making themselves known. I could be wrong... I just know that I was diagnosed bipolar when I really think the symptoms were actually more due to my DID/DDNOS. During my (what I thought was) manic state, I would start to feel really "crazy", have all these crazy wild voices/thoughts in my head going a mile a minute. I wouldn't be able to sleep. I tried doing things to distract myself, like online shopping and keeping really busy, which is apparently another symptom of bipolar. But I would get super busy to distract myself from the crazy thoughts and feelings, it wasn't that I couldn't help it... if that makes sense. I have a good friend who is bipolar. When she is manic, she feels on top of the world. She feels like she can do anything. See, I never had that. Mine were much darker. Which isn't to say she doesn't have her dark moments, but it's usually when she's coming down from being manic. Mine was sort of the opposite. All I wanted to do would be to make the uncontrollable thoughts and feelings go away. I know now it was my alters, who had a lot of anger, and who did not want to be pushed away, who were rearing their head. This may or may not be the case for you, I don't know.

LinaeveWorkman wrote:You don't have to read 'em if you don't want to. ;p I was hoping someone would say 'hey, I do that! That is you talking to your alters and not just you acting nuts!'

So many people here do that, it is no big deal. I'm kind of envious that you have journal dialoguing; mine don't write to me, just through me.

Sorry your current psychologist isn't helping. Would he be resentful if you give him homework? Hand him your DES form and score and some background info about how the DES is a thoroughly validated screening instrument, and see what he makes of that.

brandic wrote:During my (what I thought was) manic state, I would start to feel really "crazy", have all these crazy wild voices/thoughts in my head going a mile a minute. I wouldn't be able to sleep. I tried doing things to distract myself, like online shopping and keeping really busy, which is apparently another symptom of bipolar. But I would get super busy to distract myself from the crazy thoughts and feelings, it wasn't that I couldn't help it... if that makes sense. I have a good friend who is bipolar. When she is manic, she feels on top of the world. She feels like she can do anything. See, I never had that. Mine were much darker. Which isn't to say she doesn't have her dark moments, but it's usually when she's coming down from being manic. Mine was sort of the opposite. All I wanted to do would be to make the uncontrollable thoughts and feelings go away. I know now it was my alters, who had a lot of anger, and who did not want to be pushed away, who were rearing their head. This may or may not be the case for you, I don't know.

This made tears come to my eyes, for some reason. I relate to it completely. I was diagnosed with BPNOS because I barely had the 'euphoria', but it went to BP 1 the second I started having hallucinations. I was always angry, and yes, I would fill up every single second of my time to keep myself busy. I would spend money, do something risky (recently got my tongue pierced again, to keep from cutting. Also gives me something to play with), overload at work/school, start taking other classes like new martial arts, etc. I'd try to fill up every single second of my day. But that anger! And it would feel righteous sometimes too, as if I deserved to feel angry, let someone take that from me... It was so weird, and so terrifying.

I'll go ahead and post a few of the writings, but first I want to get this post up. I'll see what I can do about taking pictures of the actual paper, to show just how crazy the writing could get, and the different styles.

Linaeve, I can totally relate to this, although in my case the alter was flooding me not with rage, but with desire. To distract myself from it I buried myself in extra work, project upon project for months on end. I do have at least one ego state, though possibly not an alter, full of rage at my FOO for their part in causing this chaos in my life.

I finally found what I have left of my 'writing episodes'. Not much remains that is still legible; I still have some books from middle school! But I pulled out the more relevant ones. Most of these pages have tons of doodles on them, some are slashed, some have so many different styles of writing, and some is in short bursts of song or poetry. You'll see what I mean. BTW, most of this I don't remember writing. I usually keep all my poetry in one book and don't remember writing any of these, so I don't know if anything will cause a trigger, therefore *****TRIGGER WARNING******* just in case.
I also apologize for length.

On one page: dashes mean the next lines don't exactly mesh with the rest.

-Sooner or later
-As I burn another page, the acrid smell enters my nose and it's easy to forget.
-Tear you apart
-What did you take me for?
-Take me away...before I lose it.
-Take a look at me now. Quickly, the light may blind you.
-So disconnected, out of touch. Out of touch.
-Closure has come, belong to me.
Poetry on same page:
-Composure, composure, composure
fake it for the condescending world
breathe the lies that used to keep you sane
and the pain might subside.
Don't be, don't be don't be.
Who you are, transcend your own ignorance.
Naivete got you walked over
made you bleed
it'll bleed you dry.
Breathe, breathe, dammit breathe!
Close your eyes, be blind once more
ignore the cuts and scrapes, the blood
it'll heal.
You'll heal.
Hopeless, I have become.


Next page, just two poems that really relate and lots of odd drawings:
There are a ton of people
dancing in my head
playing with my stories
leaving behind their dread
smiling their empty smiles
grabbing at my shreds of hope
pulling me to pieces
with brilliant strands of rope.
Happy, dancing people...
slowly killing me.

I was trapped inside with no sign of life
just a caged mind and no where to hide
there was nothing but the dark tonight
It ate my light and devored my sight
even if I tried to break away
I'd always find I was bound to stay
the chains were tight, I couldn't find a way
and inside a child cries, a child cries.

Next page (in big scratchy letters):

So disconnected, out of touch.

Next page (seems to be written from lines of different songs):
-In my head
-you took me anywhere
-show you how I feel
-I can't go anywhere I want to go
-It still hurts, never easy to forget
-I want your eyes on me
-I want to be your new victim!
-I'm right here, I'm right here, I'm right here, I'm right here (this goes on for a while)
-Leave me alone, you want to see a reaction?
-Stand up, I have had enough.
-Walk away
-everything will change
-I don't want to be left alone
-Why do I rush to slow down?
-The masquerade has started now.

Next page (this one is very jumbled, and in cursive):
-My head hurts!
-Can I go horseback riding?
-I love horses!
-OMG MY. HEAD. HURTS!
-OW!
-Stop hurting!
-Can't take this $#%^ anymore.
-Demons masquerade about, with angelic wings.

Next page (mix of cursive and regular):
-Yeah. Yeah right.
-Ugh.
-Catch you on the flip side! Flip flip!
-I am so bored!
-Whatever, whatever, can I get some peace up here please?
-Ugh. Ugh.
-Which one is which? Blue witch. White witch.
-COME CLOSER!

Next page (cursive, scratchy cursive, clumsy writing, eyeball drawings):
-Well, I'm not saying I'm sorry!!!
-Live my life!
-Can't you see?
-Beseech me.
-My pretty little.
-Mockery. (sounds like a poem, but is written in different forms of writing...so talking?!)

Next page (extremely cluttered with so many different writings, I may not be able to make it all out.):
-Slam! Bam!
-So pardon me while I burst into flames
-Thank you!
-All sense of the word reality?
-What is reality?
-Keep it
-zit, lit, kit
-Nope.
-Be STILL!
-NO (takes up half the page)
-Thank you!
-Perception is everything.
-Is that a word?
-They will find you.
-Of the law!
-Baked caked.
-Can you cry a tear, dear?
-Nope.
(There's more, but can't make it out due to all the words written on top of each other.)

Next page (filled with eye doodles, very sloppy cursive):
-I have lost control.
-What happens now?
-My belly hurts.
-Kiss it?

Next page (In HUGE script):
-SMILE!
-YOUR ON CANDID CAMERA!
-Absolutely not.

Next page (my name is written a few times in script, then in normal writing...):
-We will open your mind
-Can you take me away?

Next page (is very garbled again):
-Catch me if you can, leave me if you want!
-Blah blah blah blah blah
-What the hell are you thinking?
(as an answer) -I don't know.
-Take a good look...that's the sight of a girl struggling to hold up her world.
-Curse!
-Can you say....
-Piss me off.
-Maybe
-Potty mouth.
-I can't say that at one... (garbles off)
-Can't you come with me? Can't you come with me?
-Take me away. A million miles away from here.
-Booyah, booyah, booyah!
-I've had enough!
-Too LOUD!
(Then, this little number at the bottom...): Don't you start with me. Don't even look at me. I don't even wanna hear my name on your lips. I don't wanna know you even exist. Leave me alone or suffer what I have in store for you you are no longer my friend you have no rights in my eyes. Take it from me. Leave.

Last page (Lots of doodles, with print and cursive):
-Blah blah blah
-I think I like print more
-Don't go
-I say NAY!
-Don't worry.
-Don't worry....
-We need you....you need us. (this is weird... considering)
-Please don't go away from us! Don't go away!
-Please don't!

Those last three lines were all in cursive.

Anywho, those are my writings. Not much of a 'journal dialogue'. What do you guys think about it? Crazy ramblings? Half-thoughts? I still don't know what to make of them really.

It's hard to say what it means... it seems strangely familiar, in a comforting way somehow. I'm not sure how. For some reason, I burned all my journals (and there were a lot of them) when I was about 23 or so...? I remember doing it, but I don't remember why. I vaguely remember thinking that if I died, I didn't want anyone to think I was crazy... maybe?

LinaeveWorkman wrote:-Composure, composure, composure
fake it for the condescending world
breathe the lies that used to keep you sane
and the pain might subside.

Wow, I can really relate to this. Very powerful. That probably has been something like a motto to me - remain composed at all costs. It doesn't matter the pain inside, just remain composed and go on acting like everything is fine. Maybe if we just pretend hard enough then the pain will go away. So yeah... this one hit home with me.

LinaeveWorkman wrote:There are a ton of people
dancing in my head
playing with my stories
leaving behind their dread
smiling their empty smiles
grabbing at my shreds of hope
pulling me to pieces
with brilliant strands of rope.
Happy, dancing people...
slowly killing me.

Well, even though you may not remember writing this, you definitely have a way with words. Although this could be metaphoric, it could be alluding to alters inside your head. Maybe that was your way of expressing what was going on inside...

LinaeveWorkman wrote:I was trapped inside with no sign of life
just a caged mind and no where to hide
there was nothing but the dark tonight
It ate my light and devored my sight
even if I tried to break away
I'd always find I was bound to stay
the chains were tight, I couldn't find a way
and inside a child cries, a child cries.

Wow... again really well written. And something I can very much relate to. I remember feeling that way for a lot of my life - like a caged animal.

Also, "inside a child cries, a child cries." I just want to comfort that child. I can relate.

Then a lot of what seems like ramblings, maybe you (or alters) just being bored...?

Then...

LinaeveWorkman wrote:(Then, this little number at the bottom...): Don't you start with me. Don't even look at me. I don't even wanna hear my name on your lips. I don't wanna know you even exist. Leave me alone or suffer what I have in store for you you are no longer my friend you have no rights in my eyes. Take it from me. Leave.

Sounds very familiar. Threats and punishment (from inside).

It's of course hard to interpret any sort of writing like this, so I just gave you my initial thoughts/reactions. Maybe more sense of it will come to you over time, maybe not. I would give anything to have some of those journals that I burned... I wish I could see what was inside their pages. I wrote consistently in a journal from about age 11 to age 23. Since so much of that time (especially what I was thinking/feeling) eludes me, I wish to anything I could have some clue as to what types of things I had written about.

I think everything that you are uncovering/discovering is exciting but maybe also scary? I know it was for me. But I'll tell you something. I always felt like I was a puzzle that wasn't quite put together right. It didn't matter how I tried, or what I was diagnosed, or what medication I took, there were always pieces missing or in the wrong place. For me, discovering I am DID has actually been a huge gift, because for the first time ever, my life actually makes sense. I'm not inferring you are DID, since I don't know... but I just want you to know that I understand what a difficult journey it is trying to figure these things out. I just really hope you can find the answers to what you are looking for, and am here to help and support you in any way I can. It's a hard road, but just know that you are not alone.
Caroline