Curious *may trigger*

Hello.

My name is Linaeve. I have been officially diagnosed with Bipolar 1, however today my Psychiatrist mentioned Dissociative Disorder. We ran out of time and will be talking about it next week, but I figured I would talk to someone on here in the meantime.

I've always felt 'fractured'. This is way before Bipolar was an issue. I had a fairly rough childhood, though I didn't think much of it. For example, my first memory ever was being inappropriately touched by my uncle. My mom says that happened when I was about three years old; she had walked in on it and my dad almost killed him. She had hoped I wouldn't remember, being so young, but I do. It doesn't bother me really; I was so young. My next memory is shoving my one year old brother under the kitchen table to save him from our dad, who was drunk and had shattered a beer bottle to threaten our mother with. I only remember his red eyes and the sharp bottle, and my screaming brother. No real abuse ever happened to me or my siblings, but my parents fought like hyenas, and I was always the savior when it came to my siblings. I would lock them in their rooms and call the cops when things got out of control...and they usually got out of control.

Any who, since I can remember I have had other 'mes' in my head. There is one who screams and screams and screams. She is very primal, very angry; I can visualize her perfectly when things get hairy or someone really tweeks that final nerve. She doesn't speak, doesn't have a name or anything. All she does is rage, and I have to visualize her in a cage sometimes. Is this an 'alter'? I have other me's as well, so many others. A child me, who cries often. I imagine hugging her sometimes because it just rips me to pieces. There is a nice me who will forgive anything. I don't know if I'm making much sense. It seems to make sense to me, like I thought everyone had other 'thems'. I used to wonder if these other mes would ever be one, and I would feel whole again, but so far no luck. There is one me who does say some nasty things, like that terrible voice in the back of your head you can't quite get rid of. The one that always has a #######5 answer, or a terrible comment.

Ah, I almost forgot to add how sometimes I don't always feel like I'm 'in the moment'. Actually, it's most of the time. Like I can't connect with what's going on, almost like I'm watching a tv instead of truly living. It's weird and hard to explain.

Thanks for reading, and any advice. I'd like to go in and talk to my Psychologist and my Psychiatrist about this since it's already been brought up. Is there anything I should think about, or ask while I'm there? I really appreciate the info, thank you.

Hi! To get started you might self-administer the Dissociative Experiences Scale and take a printout of your DES responses to your next session with your psychologist. Not everyone with dissociative symptoms has DID. Some have other dissociative disorders, and for others the symptoms are temporary.

Thank you. I just tried it out, and scored a 61. I'm going to print it out and take it with me the next go-around.

I didn't think you could be diagnosed with two different disorders. I wonder if one will feed off the other...that's a scary thought.

It's common for someone with one mental illness to also have others. Some things do feed into each other - I've noticed that when my eating disorder was bad, so was my OCD, and they both made each other worse. But not all do. I think you would already have a few clues on if the bipolar and dissociative disorder will do that.

pheonixrise wrote:It's common for someone with one mental illness to also have others. Some things do feed into each other - I've noticed that when my eating disorder was bad, so was my OCD, and they both made each other worse. But not all do. I think you would already have a few clues on if the bipolar and dissociative disorder will do that.

Well, I never thought that these visualizations were abnormal, so I didn't really think about it. However I do notice that, while manic, the raging girl will scream forever and I'll automatically be angry with whomever/whatever is around me. I'll feel myself...turning into her?...I can't really explain it. I just lose control and she gains it, which the mania gets blamed for. I haven't told anyone except my psychiatrist about these thoughts. I figure my husband thinks I'm crazy enough.

I'm not trying to say I have this disorder or not, just trying to see if anyone else visualizes and hears...emotions? I guess that's the best way to put it. She is Anger, and she visits me often. Just looking for other ways to understand my mental workings. I appreciate you both pitching in to help me understand.

There was one thing that struck me while doing the online test, and that was the memory lapses. I've talked with my psychiatrist about them, and had asked him if they were the medications fault. I'll be driving, stopped at a redlight, and suddenly I'm pulling into my driveway with no recollection of the entire 13 mile ride. It scares me, and is starting to happen more often than not.

It is common for individuals with DID to be misdiagnosed as bipolar. And yes, many of us end up being diagnosed because we are being flooded with inexplicable emotions. A few months ago I found myself in love with and simultaneously terrified of a man I hardly knew, who had done nothing to inspire any of my extreme emotions. That led fairly directly to my entering therapy and discovering my DID. The man for some unknown reason activates several of my alters.

Wow, with someone you barely knew? How did you find out it was because of your alters?

I wrote something a while ago, something that really brought attention to these other 'mes'. Will you let me know if you feel this way sometimes? It was part of a diary entry after a particular driving episode where I had to pull over, shaking and crying, because I was hit with this feeling and couldn't describe it. It was when I saw the other mes all standing together, with the same mask over their faces. It's incredible to describe. If I'm in the wrong forum, I apologize, but its something I guess I need to talk about, and you seem very nice. I'm still not too comfortable with my psychologist, and my psychiatrist tries to keep our talks about medication.

Anywho, here it is:

"Ever felt....lost?

Or like you're hiding something from yourself?

Or that, perhaps, you have forgotten something very, very important to your existance?

Ever felt like you're lost in thought one moment and your mind is lazily running circles around random thoughts, when suddenly you hit this wall?

Where did that wall come from? What is it hiding? Or is it a void, something should be there but isn't?

Ever had that mind numbing, breath holding epiphany close at hand, when suddenly it dances away? And you forget everything you were just thinking about, as if those thoughts never existed in the first place, leaving you empty and sad?

I've been thinking of this a lot lately.

There has always been something...missing. Or forgotten. Or lost. Something that I had once, and don't have anymore.

I've tried many different things to remedy it: most of the time it feels like hunger. I'll eat. It'll feel like thirst, so I'll drink. It'll feel like a raging, out of control monster that is on the brink of stripping away my entire existance, drowning in its own fury. I'll fight. It'll become a little child, crying incessantly but unable to articulate its desire. I'll cry. It'll be a black hole, where I feel nothing, want nothing, need nothing; I only want to cease to be, to exist at all. I'll collapse in on myself and speak to no one."

Oh yes, this all sounds very familiar. I think you are in the right support group here.

A psychiatrist's job is to prescribe medications. I would focus on working with a psychologist. Does your psychologist have prior experience working with someone with DID?

I still don't know what my alters see in the man; they probably don't know either. But, that is not unusual. That is how trauma triggers work. Trauma triggers occur in PTSD and in DIDNOS and DID. I know that my alters are the source of my infatuation because back in January while I was talking to him they came out and were briefly co-conscious with me. Later, they began shouting his name at various awkward moments, even begging me for contact with him. Fortunately, I have a very open relationship with a very understanding husband.

I'm glad it sounds familiar, that I'm not alone when it comes to that feeling. That missing, incomplete part of me has been really, really bothering me.

My psychiatrist is a very nice man with a great listening ear; if only he was a psychologist! He politely leans our conversations back into medicine territory. He's very easy to trust, is probably the reason, and I just...get an uneasy feeling about my psychologist. I'm in the military, so he's a civilian contracted psychologist; I have no idea what he specializes in. I can tell you this, though; it isn't bipolar and I'm sure it isn't DID. He talks a lot about himself, his dog, his family and holistic medicine....I barely get a word in. And when I do get a word in, he tells me 'you need to let go of that and practice some meditation with positive affirmations'. Then "DING", times up. It's frustrating, and I can't change psychologists.

Would this explain uncontrollable crying fits for seemingly no reason? I'll be listening to music, and suddenly I'll have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. Or I'll be cooking dinner, or cleaning, or any other mundane task. I've been thinking it was due to depressed episodes, but I'll even experience it when I'm 'normal'.

I read your thread on the man, and found it very interesting, and familiar. I had a guy who I lusted (still lust) after and can't scratch him from my mind. He isn't my type at all, on any level. He's rude, drinks, is blonde (I like dark hair), smokes, spits...everything that I really, really don't like. Yet, I was willing to throw away my marriage for him; he had only to ask. I question myself about it all the time, and I always get the response 'well, I must have liked SOMETHING'. It bothers me still; he had added me on FB because we had worked in the same squadron. At one point, while working together, the entire squadron had to meet for a talk with the CO. I went to walk out of my work space. A good thirty minutes of my life disappeared then. I came to sitting at the desk wondering when Mat would be back, and wondering where everyone else went. When Mat came in, he asked me why I wasn't at quarters (meeting) like I told him I was going to attend. I stared blankly at him, and he shrugged and walked off. I freaked out when I realized I couldn't recall the last thirty minutes, told my dr, who told me it was stress related and not to worry about it.

Thanks so much for talking to me, btw. I really appreciate it!

Your psychologist sounds even more out of his depth with you than my first therapist was with me. Could you see a psychologist privately? You might have to pay out of pocket but it could be worth the expense. The ISSTD website has a therapist search tool, and if you are willing to risk PMing me where you are based, I'll try to find a likely name or two. One option is to get an expert to consult with your current psychologist, or with your psychiatrist since he sounds like he has at least some clue.

LinaeveWorkman wrote:Would this explain uncontrollable crying fits for seemingly no reason?

Yes, that is consistent with DID. It has happened to me all my life. Certain TV ads that are meant to be funny cause me to weep hysterically, and I have no idea why.

LinaeveWorkman wrote:I read your thread on the man, and found it very interesting, and familiar. I had a guy who I lusted (still lust) after and can't scratch him from my mind. He isn't my type at all, on any level. He's rude, drinks, is blonde (I like dark hair), smokes, spits...everything that I really, really don't like. Yet, I was willing to throw away my marriage for him; he had only to ask. I question myself about it all the time, and I always get the response 'well, I must have liked SOMETHING'. It bothers me still; he had added me on FB because we had worked in the same squadron. At one point, while working together, the entire squadron had to meet for a talk with the CO. I went to walk out of my work space. A good thirty minutes of my life disappeared then. I came to sitting at the desk wondering when Mat would be back, and wondering where everyone else went. When Mat came in, he asked me why I wasn't at quarters (meeting) like I told him I was going to attend. I stared blankly at him, and he shrugged and walked off. I freaked out when I realized I couldn't recall the last thirty minutes, told my dr, who told me it was stress related and not to worry about it.

That sounds highly DID-ish. Is Mat the guy you lust after?