Curious *may trigger*

Yes! TV ads are a big one! I started crying over a herpes commercial (I don't have it, btw), and my husband asked me if I was pregnant again (he was trying to be funny, which made it worse).

Yes, Mat was/is the guy. To tell you the whole truth, without being thought of wrongly, I managed to kiss him once. He was married too. I was so torn between those stupid feelings and me shouting at myself that this was so wrong, on so many fricken levels. Then, when he stopped talking to me, I had a nervous breakdown, blew up his phone...he called me a freak, then left the command. I still don't know why I reacted like that to him, we only worked together for about three-four months.

I'll PM you where I live. I've been thinking about getting outside help. I can visit a psychologist outside the Navy six times through Tricare for free, but I really wanted to make those six times count, you know?

I sent you a PM with names and phone numbers of 3 therapist members of ISSTD in your general area. None very close to you, though, but they may know of a qualified therapist who is close. I also looked at your posts in other forums here, and I have to say all your symptoms may be explainable as activity of DID alters. Many people with DID get a grab bag of multiple other diagnoses before the DID is recognized. For our convenience, could you give us a run-down of your symptoms?

Thank you for the PM! I'll be giving them a call tomorrow and will give an update as to which one will work with me.

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by symptoms, though. I've been attributing most of this with BP 1 with psychosis. As I was reading other posts here, I found a lot of things that are similar. I can give some examples and things that have happened to me so far in life, and perhaps we can go from there? I can also tell you what I answered for the online test.

This is the test. I'll write some experiences as I go along.:

1) Some people have the experience of driving or riding in a car or bus or subway and suddenly realizing that they don’t remember what has happened during all or part of the trip.

A) This happens often, and usually when I'm driving. I'll be thinking about groceries, or my daughter, or something else normal, then...BAM! I'm home without even realizing how I got there. Or when I was supposed to go to quarters (Navy meeting), and instead I found myself sitting at the desk, wondering where everyone has gone. These episodes induce a lot of fear for me, because I don't like 'blacking out'.

2) Some people find that sometimes they are listening to someone talk and they suddenly realize that they did not hear part or all of what was said.

A) This is more frequent then I'd like to admit. It'll either sound like the person is speaking another language entirely, or that I've simply blanked on half the conversation. I thought this was normal, or a manic symptom, or even ADD.

3) Some people have the experience of finding themselves in a place and having no idea how they got there.

A) I'll do this sometimes. My husband has been with me the few times it has happened and never reported anything weird. He'd say I 'acted normal', but I couldn't remember how we had gotten to our destination. He'd tell me to stop messing around, but I'm completely serious; I've kind of suppressed these moments and shrugged them off as episodes of forgetfulness.

4) Some people sometimes find that they are approached by people that they do not know who call them by another name or insist that they have met them before.

A) I've had a few people come up to me and say they met me before. Being in the Navy, I figured I just forgot their face or that my face is just slightly familiar to them. I've brushed it off for them most part.

5) Some people sometimes have the experience of feeling as though they are standing next to themselves or watching themselves do something and they actually see themselves as if they were looking at another person.

A) I've done this throughout my life. Figured it was a coping mechanism. Especially during my parent's battles and boot camp. I clearly remember watching myself jump over a hurtled phone (dad threw it at the floor, but it was going to hit me), managed to twirl from a vaulted knife in the same movement and made it to the door and my neighbors house before I could count to ten. I was young then, but I still remember it. I also remember being 'disconnected' when I thought a drug dealer was going to come to my house and hurt my family because my husband was paranoid after smoking weed. I sharpened my swords (I'm a martial artist), kicked my husband out of bed, slept in the living room, and literally felt like a different person...could see that person as if I was looking in a mirror. It had been a strange experience that even my husband couldn't understand.

6) Some people have the experience of being accused of lying when they do not think that they have lied.

A) This happens very, very often. My husband will say 'honey, you said you'd do this' and I'd have no recollection of it. Yet he will insist to the point it maddens me. He'd say I said something, or said I'd do something, or have done something....it's very frustrating for both of us.

7) Some people have the experience of feeling that other people, objects, and the world around them are not real.

A) I'll get very deep thoughts where I feel like I'm not real, that nothing is real. Not even my daughter. I'll be lost in these thoughts for hours at a time. They are depressing thoughts, very depressing.

Some people have the experience of sometimes remembering a past event so vividly that they feel as if they were reliving that event.

A) There have been a few events, though none very major. But I could smell, feel, taste, and hear everything as if it was happening again.

9) Some people have the experience of not being sure whether things that they remember happening really did happen or whether they just dreamed them.

A) I was once so sure, so absolutely sure that I had watched a tornado come toward my aunts house while my brother and I were outside, that I bet my life on it. Everyone in my family says it never happened. I remember the wind, the tomatoes we were picking, the smell, the roaring sound, the fear...all of it. Yet, it never happened. They say it was a dream. There are a few memories like that, and then sometimes I question what's real and what isn't.

10) Some people have the experience of being in a familiar place but finding it strange and unfamiliar.

A) I'll feel like this sometimes. I'll go into work, and, instead of finding it familiar and normal, I'll be freaked out and scared. I couldn't explain it, except that maybe a ghost was following me (a friend of mine offered that up once), but it really didn't feel supernatural. Just that I didn't quite recognize everything and everyone, or that something was missing, or something wasn't quite...there. It was odd.

11) Some people find that when they are watching television or a movie they become so absorbed in the story that they are unaware of other events happening around them.

A) This happens every time. It also happens when I read. I can become so engrossed, my parents, my husband, and my daughter have screamed my name right in my face and I don't acknowledge them. They all find it hilarious. I find it frightening.

12) Some people find that they become so involved in a fantasy or daydream that it feels as though it were really happening to them.

A) Daydreams were my escape. I used to write a lot, so they also helped me write. But they did always feel a little too real, and I would always get a little too involved, even so much as shouting something or talking while daydreaming. Again, everyone I know finds it hilarious.

13) Some people find that they sometimes are able to ignore pain.

A) This is a big kicker. I can always ignore pain. My martial arts teacher said I had the mind of a warrior. I was always able to block it out. I gave birth to my daughter with no pain meds. Cutting never really hurt me; it was the blood I craved to see.

14) Some people find that that they sometimes sit staring off into space, thinking of nothing, and are not aware of the passage of time.

A) This one scares me too. I do it a lot more than I'm comfortable with. It's one reason I don't like meditating; I can lose track of time so easily.

15) Some people sometimes find that when they are alone they talk out loud to themselves.

A) I always talk out loud to myself when I'm alone. I don't like being alone.

16) Some people sometimes find that in certain situations they are able to do things with amazing ease and spontaneity that would usually be difficult for them (for example, sports, work, social situations, etc.).

A) This is practically my daily life. Scroll up and read about dodging a flying phone and a knife. It changes with the day; sometimes I'll be socially awkward, sometimes I won't. Sometimes I'll do fantastic during martial arts, sometimes I'll bomb it. Sometimes I can draw, and sometimes I can't. It's very, very strange, though I've learned to accept it.

17) Some people sometimes find that they cannot remember whether they have done something or have just thought about doing it (for example, not knowing whether they have just mailed a letter or have just thought about mailing it).

A) I do this one all the time! I constantly ask my husband if I paid the bills, because I'll have thought about paying it, felt like I paid it, and hadn't.

18) Some people sometimes find writings, drawings, or notes among their belongings that they must have done but cannot remember doing.

A) I used to have writing fits. I'd sit and just start writing. Weird things would come up, like names and 'how could you?' or 'I miss you' or 'why don't you think about me?'....I used to think I was schizophrenic. I kept all those writings and showed my psychologist now; he says it was a great way of getting my emotions out, but he didn't read what was on the papers. Some of them are hateful and some are sad. There were some names, if I remember correctly....I should dig them out again.

19) Some people sometimes find that they hear voices inside their head that tell them to do things or comment on things that they are doing.

A) The only one that I really ever hear frequently is the one that likes to make terrible comments. Like, I'll think 'that girl was nice' and immediately that idiot voice will whisper 'yeah, for a fat chick'. I instantly mentally squash it, because I'm not mean like that...or at least, thats what I tell myself...it gets so confusing.

I know that's not all the questions. Sorry this is long. Those other questions didn't really happen as much or at all. Does this help?

That's a good addition to your DES score. What I had in mind though was the other, non-dissociative stuff you've mentioned in other forums on this website: cutting, hallucinations, sleep paralysis, etc.

Una+ wrote:That's a good addition to your DES score. What I had in mind though was the other, non-dissociative stuff you've mentioned in other forums on this website: cutting, hallucinations, sleep paralysis, etc.

Ah, I see! I'm apologize, it had been very early in the AM and I was tired.

I'm off to work right now, but when I get there I'll hop on and write down the symptoms.

-- Wed Jul 06, 2011 12:44 pm --

Okay, so I'll start with how my life started spiralling out of control.

During the last few weeks of December (which I spent at my parents house) I noticed I was falling into a depression. I couldn't quite understand why, but Christmas can be nostalgic so I didn't think much of it. A week after we got home, however, I started noticing that couldn't keep still. My mind raced with thoughts that didn't seem like they were my own, thoughts I never would have given a moments notice to. I did my best to push them aside and continue on with work and home life. Then, while happy and at work, I found myself heading toward our supply office and asking for some straight razors. That was when things got stranger, because I didn't quite feel like myself when this happened. And, as an AO, I definitely didn't need the use of razors, but they gave them to me regardless. So, there I was, standing in the shop looking at my hand curiously, my mind racing with so many thoughts...the most prevalent at the time (that I can remember) was 'what the hell are you doing?!'.

Then came the moment when I found my first two cuts. I didn't remember them, not really. I was sitting at my computer next to the Gunner's desk with one of the straight razors in my hand. When I saw the cuts, and the blood, and felt the twinge of adrenaline/pain...my mind went from being hazy and 'okay but thinking' to full on panic. I couldn't tell you what I thought at that moment, because it was like a cacophony inside me, like a storm barely contained. I felt like I was on the verge of a major breakdown. When I went home, I consciously added another cut, just to see what the hell was going on, and realized that it caused the cacophony to cease. I could think, even if just for the moment, but then I didn't want to think because...well, the thoughts were terrible. They came unbidden 'why am I cutting, who am I to do this, what kind of mother cuts herself, why can't I stop thinking of suicide, am I going to commit suicide, I don't want to die, I don't want to end up like the lady in the bathtub, etc...etc.'.

At that point, the hallucinations started. First, it was paranoia and flashes of images in my head, things I had never seen but sure as hell felt real. The lady in the bathtub was one of them, and I found I couldn't enter a bathroom that had the curtain drawn on the bathtub. The young lady had dark, long hair, was naked, and dead. She had either brutally killed herself, or been killed because there was blood everywhere. She had been slashed with something larger than a razor, but not in places that weren't unreachable...and the entire image causes a deep sadness as well as terror in me. Almost like I knew her, but couldn't place her. Then came the 'shadow people/animals/bugs'. I'd see the people move around the corner of my eyes first. Then one of them would wave at me from the side of the road while I'm driving, yet when I look no one is there. They would hide around the corners of my house; I could sense them and I wouldn't go anywhere without my husband or dog. The bugs were everywhere too; sliding up and down the walls, flying in front of my eyes, skittering along a desk. And cars would try to run me off the road, shadow cars of course. After about a week of that, then came the 'real' people. I saw a man coming toward me through my car's side mirror while parked, smiling and seemingly okay, but when I turned to see what he wanted, no one was there. That one really got me, because I can still see his smiling face and plaid shirt. I'd also hear my name being called, sometimes sensually, sometimes as if my daughter was calling me, and sometimes as if something evil was taunting me. I'd hear music, and other weird things like carnival noise. Some of it I chalked up to living in an apartment....but not all the time could it be explained away.

The Sleep Paralysis I hadn't given much thought to during this whole thing. I've always had them; they've just gotten worse since I 'melted down' in January. They are probably one of the most terrifying things to occur, because I feel so vulnerable when I sleep...and it's not like I can go without sleeping forever or I'd try. Mainly I get 'shadow people' that will watch me sleep, sit on me, ect. I'll get the occassional 'Grudge' looking girl (those few could have given me heart attacks!). I'll get creatures that look like they are made of noise (scratchy looking with Chesire grins) that dance around and mock me. There was one instance where I opened my eyes to see my living room, unchanged except for an extra front door right next to the real one (I had been sleeping on the couch). It had a lot of locks on it. As I watched, those locks started to unlock and the door opened just enough for the chain to engage. A shadowed head peeked in curiously, as if watching for my reaction. When the terror started, it slowly closed the door and the locks re-engaged. I quickly tried, and succeeded, in waking myself up fully and turned on the tv for a while, unsure what to make of that episode.

That's about it so far. The first few months of my crazyness are still pretty hazy; I'll have to look in my journal to see if I missed anything. I had been documenting changes and other strange occurances in it from the beginning.

I apologize for the length again. Is that what you were asking for?

Yes, that's the stuff. It sounds to me like you have DID and your system is trying to come out of the closet. Was it your psychiatrist or your psychologist who raised the possibility of DID with you?

It was my Psychiatrist. When I spoke about life not really seeming 'real' sometimes, he suggested the possibility of some form of dissociative disorder. I didn't know what it meant, so I decided to look here.

Is what's going on a usual thing for other DID suffers? Does it just suddenly come on like that?

DID is caused by trauma in early childhood, yet many of us go for decades without anyone (including us) realizing we have DID. Our system hides it from us and everyone else. Many of us find out we have DID when abruptly the containment of our DID starts to leak and suddenly we "come undone". We experience flashbacks, hallucinations, inexplicable emotions; and "made" thoughts, speech, and actions. Others of us live for decades with various problems (self harming, eating disorders, depression, etc.) until in therapy one day an alter comes out to the therapist. These problems belong to our alters, and once it is known that we have DID the problems are relatively easy to treat.

You have a young daughter? She may be the age now that you were when your DID began. Likely you have no memory of trauma (not necessarily abuse) in your early childhood. Do you remember your childhood at all? I have no memory earlier than shortly before my 7th birthday, and I have other gaps. For example, I have no memory of ever being inside one Middle School I attended for two almost two years. In my 20's I lived in one town for 2 years but I have no memory of ever shopping for groceries there. I cannot even imagine the town. I remember the house I lived in and where I worked, and the route between them, and a few other places, but that's it. I remember driving from there to attend a wedding of a friend from college and when I drove back again I recognized nothing and felt that I had never been there before. I had to use a road map to find my way to my house.

For me, finding out I have a dissociative disorder came as a relief. I hope you may feel relief too.

Una+ wrote:DID is caused by trauma in early childhood, yet many of us go for decades without anyone (including us) realizing we have DID. Our system hides it from us and everyone else. Many of us find out we have DID when abruptly the containment of our DID starts to leak and suddenly we "come undone". We experience flashbacks, hallucinations, inexplicable emotions; and "made" thoughts, speech, and actions. Others of us live for decades with various problems (self harming, eating disorders, depression, etc.) until in therapy one day an alter comes out to the therapist. These problems belong to our alters, and once it is known that we have DID the problems are relatively easy to treat.

You have a young daughter? She may be the age now that you were when your DID began. Likely you have no memory of trauma (not necessarily abuse) in your early childhood. Do you remember your childhood at all? I have no memory earlier than shortly before my 7th birthday, and I have other gaps. For example, I have no memory of ever being inside one Middle School I attended for two almost two years. In my 20's I lived in one town for 2 years but I have no memory of ever shopping for groceries there. I cannot even imagine the town. I remember the house I lived in and where I worked, and the route between them, and a few other places, but that's it. I remember driving from there to attend a wedding of a friend from college and when I drove back again I recognized nothing and felt that I had never been there before. I had to use a road map to find my way to my house.

For me, finding out I have a dissociative disorder came as a relief. I hope you may feel relief too.

*trigger warning, just in case*

Well, I remember some things. When I was very young, and yes probably my daughter's age now (she just turned three), I was inappropriately...handled. I remember that. I remember some things that my mother swears I shouldn't remember, that I should have been too young to remember. But then again, I don't remember being five up to about 14-15 years old, now that I really try to. I used to have a diary that I kept, but it infurated my mother; I don't remember what was in it, but she burned it.

I keep a Garmin on me at all times, because sometimes that will happen to me also. I've lived here for three years now, and will still get 'lost' on what should be familiar roads, or feel turned around.

Now that I'm contemplating, and seriously considering, DIDs...what should I do? Should I try to make contact with those inside me? I don't even know where to start, really. After reading posts on here, ya'll make it sound kind of easy to speak with your alters, or have them speak through you. To me, that sounds damn near impossible....

The first step I would take is to call those three therapists and talk to each of them. Tell them your DES score, and an outline of the stuff you have described here. You have given more than enough history to be diagnosed DDNOS. Some therapists may even accept your self report of lost time and diagnose DID without further evidence. (I am diagnosed DDNOS pending further evidence.) If you have DID, then it is likely you do not have bipolar disorder and you do not have psychosis, only DID. Your current medication may be not appropriate.

Communication with other alters begins differently for each of us, but usually at first it is difficult. Hypnosis by a therapist has been a popular way of establishing communication but is not necessary. For me, posting on a support group has enabled some of my alters to speak through me about their issues, and I have the most direct communication with them in bed before falling asleep at night. They want to talk to my therapist too, but so far haven't quite managed to do it.