Dissociation From 'True Self' vs Split From All Selves~ Help

Hello


I was wondering if you could help me determine the difference between a dissociation from who you know you should be (you but not you kind of thing) where you're still aware of what's going on and can remember most of it upon breaking back into your 'true self' (some parts missing, but everything fogged over like a distant memory or dream almost) and the kinds of dissociations that are complete black outs of time and space?

I've read this board a few times and I see that everyone has 'alters' and that those alters seem to communicate to the self and between each other to some extent, but my dissociation doesn't happen like that all and my pieces don't communicate to each other of to me. I'm not ever=n e=sure if they completely separate or fully 'split' from me even. It's kinda hard to explane, but I'll try.

There is a child in me, and when I do things like go to an amuzment park with my own children the child comes over me and is there. I'm still there too, but I'm not 'driving the car anymore' if you know what I mean, it's like I'm a passenger in my body and someone else is making it move. It's right there, and the kids call me mom, I still am mom, but I'm not a mother- I'm a child. I laugh too much, I run too much, I bounce up and down in excitement (I'm 32 years old btw) and other adults in the area look at me as I'm nuts. I'm me, but I'm not me- I'm a different me that's so not me, it's a complete child, and I'm not like that all the time (sometimes, but it has to be stimulated to happen)

There's another me, a strong me, very beautiful and sexual me, who is powerful, confident and desired by many. I am not this person in my own self. The me I am is nothing special or noticeable, but when this piece of me takes over, the world is mine and I can have anything I want (and I usually get it too) This me is stimulated a few ways; either through sexuality or through necessity (unable to cope in my own mind and this me takes over with grace and confidence to get me through a time where I feel meek and shy, or fragile and scared, etc...) This piece of me has been around the longest (that I can pin point) and like I said when I'm this other piece of me, I'm still ME, but I'm no longer driving the car- someone else in control of it and she does such a great job at me happy and being strong for so long, I let her take the wheel and keep it for LONG periods of time- YEARS even! She is my favorite part of me, everybody loves her!

My rage is beginning to build it's own entity as well lately, the more I try to control it, the more it seems to be leaving the whole of me and becoming its own part. A monster.

I have many other pieces of my self too.

But they are not 'alters' (I don't think) because I can still stay lucid (powerless and an observer mind you) while these things are happening. The other pieces are in control of me (the car I say) but I'm only a passenger in my mind, and the vessel (car) in which they maneuver/drive.

I've been told these are 'fugue states' by some and perhaps that's somewhat true, but there just seems to be a bit more than, and not quite as much a true 'split' or DID itself.

Is anyone out there like me?

Are you still during your dissociation?
Are your pieces of self inside you to save you when you need them to and not there struggling for face time and conversing with each other?
Like pieces that are part of you, more than they separate?
Do you know what I mean?
Or am I just crazy?

Thnx

I really think you have DID. I am exactly like that. I have learned that many people with DID have blank spots of memory, but others don't. I Sable, am most often forward, however when others come forward, I am in the background, aware of what is going on.

it's like I'm a passenger in my body

Yes, I feel like that when the others take over.

I'm a different me that's so not me, it's a complete child, and I'm not like that all the time.

The me I am is nothing special or noticeable, but when this piece of me takes over, the world is mine and I can have anything I want (and I usually get it too).........this me takes over with grace and confidence to get me through a time where I feel meek and shy, or fragile and scared, etc...)

These quotes signify to me that you have DID. That there are different personalities inside you, that are noticeably different from one another when they take over. Do your "alters" (if I may call them that) communicate in your head, can you talk to each other?

I've come to learn that one of the most confusing things about DID is how many different forms it comes in. I am still trying to figure myself out. Each of my personalities is their own person, and represents a different part of me as a whole. I have a personality, Sable, who is out the majority of the time, kind of like a narrator, omnipresent. Sable is aware of everyone, and they are aware of each other.

Your DID may be different than others, but it sounds like you're a candidate to me

I hope that helps.

Sable

Yes, I'd say that you have the syptoms of DID too. I'm almost always still there when the others are out; as far as I'm aware, I don't lose time. Sammy, who's 9, will come out when she wants to have fun. The others tend to only come out when needed, whether it be to pass a test or push away someone who wants to hurt. Of course, we do communicate with each other, at least sometimes. But then, maybe your alters communicate too, you just can't hear them yet. When one of them is present, try asking them a question. Just don't be afraid of them answering, or they may very well decide answering would only frighten you.

I find that very interesting because it's been said that this is dissociative fegue of sorts and not the same thing as a true 'split type' of dissociation. Obvoiusly I'm unsure as to just what it is in its full sense, but when I was trying fill out my STIPO (Structured Interview of Personality Organization) and I got to question #12. "Superficiality versus Depth" I couldn't describe myself as just one self, because I'm not one self- I'm pieces of selves who interchange and act completely different.

When the question was asked

I want to shift gears a little bit here and ask you some questions about yourself as a person….about your personality. Tell me about yourself, what are you like as a person? Let’s say that you wanted me to get to know you as quickly as possible, in just a few minutes – how would you describe yourself to me so that I get a live and full of picture of the kind of person you are?

I couldn't tell what kinda of person 'I' am, because 'I'm' not anything on my own- I'm empty inside me and I only drift between personas or states of being, it's so hard to explain
I could sort myself into 8 states of 'being' and only one is 'me' (or at least who I think I am, the empty shell of me when I'm none of the other pieces) I don't know I'm so confused here

I've never tried talking to my pieces before, I'm not sure if I want to either If they answered me back I'd probably have a nervous break down or something I know that I'm Borderline and Histrionic, I've been diagnosed as such about 3 years ago, but has this morphed into something more? I wasn't in thereapy for more than 3 or 4 months at that time, so perhaps I wasn't there long enough for him to see 'everything' in its full toytality?

May I ask you all something?

When you switch in and out of your selves, can you feel it hapenning?
Like, not just know it's hapenning, but actually feel a physical sensation when it hapens? Something physically stimulating that differs between each fdifferent state of mind?

Allow me to explane what I go through myself here:

At times I become very childlike and even now at the age of 32 I will literally run through the amusement park and scream on the rides like an insatiable child/teenager fixated on the adrenaline rush. My head gets light, my arms feel weightless and my face tingles as I 'become a child' once more. I am coherent through this transition, before, during, and after the fact as well. I remember almost everything (only short term usually, with some things remaining in long term memory) and the entire time I am 'me' but another piece of me who is an eternal child...

Sexuality has been a major part of my life and big piece of 'who I am' as a whole, but I go through periods of my life were it literally consumes my life, every hour of every day for months and even YEARS at a time. I'm intensely sexual and sexually perverse. When I get sexually aroused or inspired my heart starts beating hard and heavy, my nipples tingle, my clitoris aches, I can feel a sexual hunger and passion pour through my body. It encompasses my face, my neck, shoulders and spine; it travels all the way along my legs and the heated thick sensation is my only driving force for the moment. It literally reverberates through me like a blazing, fiery energy; it's a starving hunger that cannot be satisfied by masturbation alone. It's almost animalistic in nature and it's overwhelmingly intense. If I do not get satisfied to my liking, either by direct action by a random party or a specific object (person) of my lust- it can last like this, at this intensity for days on end.
It's terrible!
While I am there I am 'me' but a different part of me that is set on pleasure bent and has no reason of right and wrong in my desires. Again, I remember most things, and although my sexual fog hazes my perceptions I am still 'me' and there in the moment...

taken from my STIPO under question #15. Self Consistency across time

Do you see what I mean by physical symptoms when these changes ocurr?
Do you experience any kind of physical sensation when your changes happen too?
Can you explain what it feels like?

NOTE: Not all of my pieces ellicit these kinds of physical symptoms upon shifting, ony the child, the sexual beast and the monster of my rage have any physical symptoms that I've been able to pin point thus far....

Thank you for any feed back on this

Hi,
After dealing with a deep clinical depression, I have been in therapy for two years. Last Monday my therapist told me she is almost certain I have DID. It was shocking and I started crying... I did not go into denial, I guess I already knew but I was very afraid of it, mainly because of what people think about having multiples. All this week I have been through so many emotions... and I am trying to learn more about it. I know of about 2 alters a girl and something scary like a demon. I am not sure if I have more. I have talked to the girl several times, but it works better if we talk in writing, because that way later I can go back and look more carefully at our conversation.
Now I am realizing that all those times I thought I was going crazy...it was probably one of my alters. There are things that I cannot remember... very few memories about certain things, for example a sexual abuse I know it happened but I can't remember much. But for most of the time or at least lately I am still aware of what is going on..
I am not very consciously familiar with switching but I guess I have been doing it for a while now.
I am still scared, I feel alone, I have not told my family since I don't know if it will be more like a burden to them or they would not understand...
One thing...since Monday I have had constant headache... is this normal, related to DID?
any feedback would be appreciated.

Xtreme wrote:When you switch in and out of your selves, can you feel it hapenning?
Like, not just know it's hapenning, but actually feel a physical sensation when it hapens? Something physically stimulating that differs between each fdifferent state of mind?

When I am switching between alters at a rapid pace, for instance when I get emotional, I feel a strangeness inside my mind, like it's all fuzzy. Whereas normally I feel a blankness, when my alters are switching I feel like a void has been filled, sometimes it feels like something is swirling inside my mind. While that is a more mental sensation, I can't say I have any strong physical sensations while switching between alters, however I can feel the difference between each alter physically and very potently. For instance, when I am Adnan, I feel confident and physically imposing, despite my actual stature which is 5'3". When I am Isis, I feel withdrawn into myself, and I often constrict physically because he is painstakingly shy. When I am Rinata, I'm clumsy. When I am Sable, I am very intelligent. When I am Mannette, I feel on top of the world, like people are ants. I feel an obvious difference when I am each person.

Xtreme wrote:I couldn't tell what kinda of person 'I' am, because 'I'm' not anything on my own- I'm empty inside me and I only drift between personas or states of being

I find this quite disturbing, only because it fits me so well. Before my alters, I had no idea who I was, at that question, I'd always draw a blank. Alters have helped me define myself more. I have tried to convince myself that it is Sable who does most daily life activities....but then there are some instances where I'll notice "hey, that was Sable!" and it's different than what I am normally... So this leaves me with a frightening question.....can there be times where no one is forward? Am I an empty shell, as you mention? Disturbing...

Because if this is true, I don't want to be an empty shell anymore, or ever. I want my alters to be present at all times.

wendywolf wrote:

Xtreme wrote:I couldn't tell what kinda of person 'I' am, because 'I'm' not anything on my own- I'm empty inside me and I only drift between personas or states of being

I find this quite disturbing, only because it fits me so well. Before my alters, I had no idea who I was, at that question, I'd always draw a blank. Alters have helped me define myself more. I have tried to convince myself that it is Sable who does most daily life activities....but then there are some instances where I'll notice "hey, that was Sable!" and it's different than what I am normally... So this leaves me with a frightening question.....can there be times where no one is forward? Am I an empty shell, as you mention? Disturbing...

Because if this is true, I don't want to be an empty shell anymore, or ever. I want my alters to be present at all times.

I know just what you mean in that. I hate to be 'myself' there is no value in 'myself' as me, even when people call me by my name, it pains me, because I am so completely nothing... I preferr to think of the 'real me' as Just Me, no name, just the me I am am with no one else around (inside looking out- arround I mean) Honestly when people call me by my 'real name' I physically cringe. I don't want to be that person, that shell, that worthless bit of nothing. I have so many other great pieces inside me, I much prefer to be them instead. There are 3 pieces I don't like:
The Monster (which a term I use for my enraged anger, it's not just being mad; I actually loose touch with reality and succumb to rage and destruction- it's terrible and I can ruin peoples lives and cause them great personal or even physical injury) I fear that piece, not because of what it could to me (end up jail because of it perhaps) but what it can do and does do to other people. It's hard to control that piece, but I am trying NOT to give it to it when it comes heavy and growling in my mind.
The Plebe (which is a mass lump of flesh that I become in moments of severe depression and sucidial type dispare) I feel this one physically too, tierd, heavy, a cloud of fog covering my happiness and wieghing me down physically. My shoulders move inward, my back lumbers forward, all I do is cry, eat, sleep and want to die. It was because of this state we origionally thought I was bipolar, but it can switch in an instant, or last for months. When I'm like this, this plebe like being, there is no happiness in me, everything is dark and bleek. If you've ever seen the movies Harry Potter, where the dementors suck happiness out of the world- that it what I'm left with when plebe is there, a lump mass of fat flesh with not a single shred of happiness in the world. A sick pitiful discusting mess....
And then there's 'FD' and she's just not right at all. Sexually perverse and twisted to the core. She does things and lusts for things that are sick and not normal, beyond taboo- It honestly makes me nausious just to think about it!

Those are the worst pieces of 'me' but I do have some wonderful pieces of myself who I like and enjoy very much.

There's the 'Eternal Optimist' who has a hope and love for the world that is beautiful and inspiring. She loves to open peoples eyes and inspire others who that little ray of hope in their lives She's a little piece of sunshine and when she's here the world looks so bright and full of wonder. Everything has possibilities. New growth, new change, new beginnings abound with the bounty of hope that she has and gives so freely!!! I LUV HER!!!! She hasn't been around for a while though... Little bits coming out behind others, but not fully in the front and manning the wheel so to speak
The child is wonderful, I like her- don't love her. She scares me because I just don't know who she is where she came from at all. She comes out rarely, and I'm glad of that actually... Although I think she comes out as 'the Brat' too sometimes, unless that's another piece. From what I can tell the child is happy and has no mal intentions to anyone, so maybe the Bratis another piece I've not yet sorted- who knows???
Pamela is a Goddess, every mans desire and so beautiful, confident and strong, she is graceful, happy, smart, funny, playful and so many great wonderful things. She's all the good pieces combined- she's the best one here. The one with most value and the most sledour. She has her own name, simply because when I was a stripper (years ago now) that was the name I used, and she was there. She's had the most real time, driving the car (face time) I gave myself over to her for almost 10 years at one point, another 2 years just recently and I think she's been around for quite some time, though I don't know how long exactly? She's my favorite piece by far. She takes the world by storm and it's afraid of anything really. She's so strong, and if I could be anyone of these parts for the rest of my life- it would be her!

A new piece has just recently been created (I think by myself) because I was waiting & hopping for someone to save me from my madness. My cyclling life and all the troubles I've had, the pain, the heart aches, the despare and drama of it all... When no one came and I still needed help, needed to be saved and try to pull my life together, a new piece was made... A piece that has the strength of Pam, the curiousity of the chid, the hope of the optimist and I dunno what else; but she's been made to look inside and find the source of the pain, to investigate our life 'safely' so that we can get to the bottom of this and figure out how to carry on?

So yeah those are all the pieces I have 8 (possibly 9, the Brat could Pam being silly, or the child being naughty- I'm not sure) but I've only begun to sort these fragments out and see who's all here.

How do you find them?
If there's more hiding?
How do you figure out who's all in there and why they're here?
Do you ever know 'why' or how they came to be?

Thank you for you help in this

Xtreme wrote:when people call me by my name, it pains me, because I am so completely nothing

I know what you mean. When I'm talking to people in this forum who have gotten to know my alters, my real name seems irrelevant, alien even. This is so confusing to me. How did this happen? Is this a different form of DID?

Your parts sound very severe, which is interesting, because I find mine are severe as well, (perhaps a little bit less than yours) although they have mellowed out over time.

I have 9 pieces, or, alters, as I've called them. I just recently named them, I originally referred to them by their characteristics, as it sounds like you do.

Micah (Mohawk): depression and bitterness, he is very protective of the other alters and feels no obligation to please others.
Nonnette (Nice): sounds a lot like your "Eternal Optimist" she thinks that each moment is precious and that people are astoundingly beautiful.
Rinata (Random): very spontaneous and childlike, is easily distracted and gets excited quickly and easily.
Adnan (Aggressive): "The Monster" reminded me most of Adnan and Mannette. Adnan represents anger and aggression. When he is forward, life is war, and he's always prepared to stand up for himself. Other than that, he's quite sarcastic and anti-social.
Sable (Sensible): has a very organized mind. Constantly observes and formulates theories on her observations that are very astute. I also identified my drive to do well and responsibility with her. She is kind of in charge of everyone else.
Ingrid (Insecure): she is my child, however she doesn't act much like a child. She sounds similar to "The Plebe" she huddles in a little ball, afraid of everything, she is constantly afraid of dying and feels like she's going to just disappear.
Isis (Boo) (Insane): I haven't fully discovered my sexuality yet, but Boo, as we call him and Lou(is) have the more peculiar sexual desires and fantasies. Other than that, Boo is very dark and he loves gory horror films. He is also very shy because he is ashamed of his darkness.
Louis (Lou) (Loopy): Lou is very theatrical and has an eccentric way about him. He is very funny, in an unusual way, and he is also very clever, and is often a few steps ahead of everyone else. He has his own way of doing things, being him is very very fun. He's also a tad perverse...

Xtreme wrote:She's so strong, and if I could be anyone of these parts for the rest of my life- it would be her!

My choice would be Lou
Mannette (Meanie): is cruel. she used to belittle my other alters to the point of severe depression and feelings of worthlessness. Lou was able to convince her to stop, and now she is able to control herself, but she needs some place to unleash her hatred. When she is forward, I feel like there is no one higher than me. She isn't often forward, and I have never let her out around other people, because I'm afraid of what she'll do. She finds great pleasure in tearing others down with her words. She seems to think she's helping them by "discarding any illusions they held onto."

Alters I notice that come out most often are Sable, Nonnette (called Nonny) and Rinata. The others rarely come out, although I wish they would. My previous theory is that Sable was keeping everyone from coming out because she is afraid of what they'd do in the outside world. She is particularly concerned about releasing Ingrid, Mannette, or Isis.

In the future I hope to be able let all my alters out, and feel comfortable that they won't do anything incredibly dangerous or destructive. >< I am working on developing a trust within myself and further exploring my individual alters.

Here are two other posts (if you haven't already read them) about my alters, if you are interested.

dissociative-identity/topic57803.html
dissociative-identity/topic57654.html

Xtreme wrote:How do you find them?

I "found" mine actually by hearing their voices. I mean, I don't literally hear their voices, but they are like thoughts. The thoughts of each alter have a different feel to them, almost like they have different voices. It's taken me a while to be able to identify who was speaking at a certain time, but I'm slowly getting the hang of it.

Xtreme wrote:(how do you know) If there's more hiding?

I knew I was complete when I had 9 alters. I just feel whole, like there is no more. I don't know if this matters, but I was born on the 9th day of the month, so if you're a numerologist that could be significant ^^. I had a 10th alter for a while I called "Broken" but she soon disappeared and I believe the emotions I identified as her are now expressed by Micah and Ingrid. Sometimes, I'll hear a voice-thought and I won't be able to figure out which alter it is. So this makes me slightly unsure....because I don't think there are any more of us. So I figure I need to get to know my current alters better to figure it out.

Xtreme wrote:How do you figure out who's all in there and why they're here?

I basically was a combination Nonnette, Sable and Rinata for several years. When an abusive friend finally drew the last straw, (I was age 14) Micah/Mohawk arose to protect me and to express all the feelings of hurt this 'friend' had caused me. Nonnette was eternally nice, Sable handled school, and Rinata made me move on and forget, whenever this friend would hurt me. Adnan/Aggressive and Isis/Insane formed to express my intense anger and hatred after the friendship finally blew up. When Mannette first showed up, her behavior resembled that of my ex-friend. I've heard that often times an alter shows up that resembles the abuser. I'm not totally sure why, maybe to give the victim a second chance to stand up for themselves? Or a habit? I'm not sure......because Mannette didn't help me learn how to stand up for myself....Anyways. Insecure came along somewhere at the same time as the others, and was expressed through panic attacks I often had a night. Loopy arose last, as this part of myself I'd always been afraid to express, but knew was in there. A funny, quirky and confident side of me.

Xtreme wrote:Do you ever know 'why' or how they came to be?

These revelations have taken a while to figure out, but they make more and more sense as time goes on.

I have often felt different that other DIDs because as a child, I was not abused physically or sexually. I “split” at age 14 when Mohawk arose and that's also when Nonny, Rinata and Sable became noticeably separate entities.
In some ways, my alters were a defense mechanism, but they were also parts of myself I'd repressed for years and years – I'm still not entirely sure why. Also, some psychiatric professionals (though they know little about DID) recommend integration of your alters for a full recovery. But I know I never want to integrate. I love my alters, being them is who I am. I need them.

Do you know when you first noticed your “parts” even before you recognized that they may be separate personalities?

Do you know if any particular event triggered the creation of these parts?

Would you want to integrate?

What is the ideal relationship you envision having with your parts/alters in the future?

ps. about talking to myself. I have been talking to myself from a young age, I just used to imagine the others as characters in stories I created, so I suppose I was used to having multiple thoughts, so it came more naturally when my personalities arose.

Awww your pieces sound so nice (I'm sorry I have a hard time with the term 'alters' and I hope you don't mind, I just can't call mine alters until I get a clear diagnosis as DID, so until then they are Pieces and that's as far as I'm willing to go right now and I don't understand 'alters' persay; but pieces I totally get- I hope you don't mind???)

Lemme see here about these questions you asked....

Do you know when you first noticed your “parts” even before you recognized that they may be separate personalities?

I didn't realize I had parts until this past year. I knew a few years ago (even before I was diagnosed with BPD/HPD) that I wasn't a complete person. Things would come and go unexplainably. Like one minute I could draw the most beaultiful pictures, and the next I couldn't make a stick figure. One minute I was mythodical and full of goodness, and the next I was looking to be as bad as I could be. It wasn't rebelion or 'just my teens' it was completely me, but completely different, and totally not me I still don't understand it all...
The first time I encountered that insane rage with no real cause for being so enraged, was in grade 2. I would try and rip the water fountains off the wall. I would pick fights with boys and bash myself in the head to get my even madder so I could run out and tear them to shreds in the school yard. I was rapped by my brother at around age 7 or so, and rage (or the Monster) came after that insodent.
I went into my head the first night of the assult, like you said with one of your pieces, so I became a little mouse like ball in my mind. Something helped me survive that night, and all the other nights like that that followed. I didn't become someone else, but I wasn't there in my body- I was in my mind and my body was seprate from 'who I was' it was vessle, an empty box, and nothing more...
Permisquity came at about age 12, when the older boys would pass me around between them. I knew I was just looking for love and attention but something else happened then too. I would dissociate from what was happenning. It wasn't Pamela that came, she has much more flair and confidence than that, but some kind of split happened. Kind of like assualts_ I still don't know clearly about all of this stuff.
Pamela was born in a strip club (it's been speculated that she's been around longer than that, but I know for sure she was there then, and that's how she got her name) She garded the inner me from everything else that was going on, she kept the monster at bay too. I don't know how she did it, or how she still does it, but she doeswn't allow that beast to come through. She's increadibly strong!

The other selves I'm still investigating right now, but I speculate the optimist came after the birth of my son, because that's the only time I've ever been truly happy and optimistic in my life

Do you know if any particular event triggered the creation of these parts?

The first trauma (that I know of) was the sexual assault when I was 7 years old, there have been many more since than, some sexual, some emotional abuses, even some physical abuses as well- many abusers and attackers of all kinds. I've had a brutal life. I'm still getting flash backs of many new things all the time. Things I never knew, things that I represed, things I'm beginning to remember and many things I don't want to know- but they want me to know them! It's very scary in my mind right now!!!!!
So I'm sure that my fragments of self have been created to compensate or forget/cope with the many bad things in my life. The only thing is, that some of these pieces are bad and twisted. I'm not sure why my mind would have made bad pieces (sick perverse pieces) but it did.

Would you want to integrate?

That question scares me probably more then it should- you know that?
I'm not sure...
I guess it would depend what that meant exactly? If it meant that I wouldbe mentally and emotonally stable, able to be a productive part of society and good person/role modle for my children; then yes!
If it meant that I would find out that I'm really this sick disgusting twisted angry mess of a person- than NO!
I'm not sure what intigration means exactly? But if I have to be that moster, or any of the bad pieces of self- I don't want that at all!!!

If I have to remain fragmented, than I want the good parts to live and thrive in life, while the bad ones can go to H-E double LL!!!

I love my good parts- I really do, and if I had my way I would be the good ones all the time. But when the bad ones come, my whole world falls apart, and it's so hard to keep picking up the pieces of my LIFE let alone the pieces of myself the bad pieces destroy me and others. They're viscious,evil, just plain wrong!
I hate them!

I hold a lot of guilt about the bad parts of me, the ones that hurt people and LOVE doing it. The good part of me would never do those things, but the parts of me LOVE to hurt those that cause us emotional damage. When it's over and the monster's been fed it's next victim. I feel so bad, so guilty and almost dirty when it's over.

There's only so many times you can appologize for the damage caused by the beast, until that's how people view you as a person- a dangerous, hidious monsterous beast!

Yeah, I'd much rather be the good parts all the time

@ghs1308

I'm not sure what's normal and what's not for DID. I'm still not sure that I have it? Until I receive a true clincal diagnosis, it's just suspect right now. Mind you I've been diagnosed clinically as Borderline & Histrionice Personality Disordered, so I'm not sure if this is just a dissociative fegue that goes with that, of it's something else?
Many of the BPD/HPD's that I've heard from or about with this, will go into there fegues and not feel there, or feel removed from the situation, etc... BUt in my dissociations I AM THERE! Wellnot 'me' put a pice of me is right there in the moment and feeling every sensation, gust of air, emotion, everything- fully; but as I come back to myself the memory is hazed, like a dream or distant memory... Hard to explain really.

But I don't black out or 'loose time' Time may go by quickly and by the time I come back to my faculties I'm running late, but it's not like 'Cyble' you know the movie? Where she's missing for days and weeks at a time, can't remember where she was and stuff like that. I'm not like that at all. Not anymore. I used to black out all the time before I had my son, but I think those were all drunken black outs- not DID black outs.

I will however dissociate myself from things cause me pain. I will cut myself from the person, the issue, what have you and press it away until it's no longer in my mind. Completely forget about it as if it never happened at all. Create that split from that which pains me.

I don't know? Maybe if you keep doing that all the time, pushing things down, repressing pain, avioding dealing with your traumas and stuff like that- maybe that's how personalities or pieces split of in to these fragments?

Like I'm pretty aware that there's got to be some kind of origional trauma to create the first split- right?
But what about after that? How big does the trauma have to be crreate more selves?
How many selves can come from a single trauma?

Hmmm????

I wonder?