New and questioning

Hi all. I'm not even sure this is a good idea, but here goes anyway.

I think I don't have DID, but I guess I'd like to be sure, because while I have only noticed a few potential signs, they seem to be rather strong ones. So, I guess I'll list them and then you guys can tell me what you think. Also, apologies in advance if I say anything that might sound rude or something; I am both trying to convince myself I do and don't have it so some things might sound a little strange.

I guess the strongest one is that I'm pretty sure I have at least one alter... Here's the story about her. I first remember her showing up when I was around 9 or 10, when she tried to beat up my (then) best friend at a sleepover and got laughed off. Cut to 5 or 6 years down the road, she got thoroughly pissed off at my (again, then) boyfriend for some slight or another, I have no idea what, and ranted at him over IM for a good long time. Actually I do kind of remember part of that, but not most, and definitely not what she said, or even really what he said, but afterwards she vanished suddenly and we both agreed that I had sounded like a completely different person there, but I think he was still sore about it... I made a snap decision not to save that conversation and have since regretted it, but maybe that's for the best... Anyways, another 5ish years later, she came out again, I don't even know what she did that time, but it was for a very stupid reason, but I still understand why. Another 5 years of small slights and insults had built up and so she snapped at one of my friends. Afterwards, I found out that he was seriously afraid of me over that, from another friend. So I took her, and drew a picture of her chained down, and explained very sternly that she was not to come out again, ever. She hasn't. I think she may have tried once when I loosened the chains in an, er, experiment recently, but I figured that wasn't very good and reset them.

...Okay saying all that maybe it really does sound like DID but that's only one alter and one who is essentially gone so I'm not sure it would still count, would it? That was only one reason though, there are others, but less obvious.

I only have one friend I really talk to right now, and we get into arguments sometimes, that's normal right? One seemed to be pretty big and we stopped talking for a while but that's been over with for a while. I don't know what we were mad at each other over, and I know I don't want to know, but I figured that was just typical memory blocking. That happens, right? Well, that's what I figured until I realized just now that I don't remember what we were arguing about a few days ago. I remember it happened, and I remember how we dealt with it, but I don't remember what it was, or I just don't want to... Is that still normal? Is it even normal in the first place?

The last is a bit of an odd reason, I think, but I'll list it anyway... I roleplay sometimes, and recently I ended up with a character who has DID, but that wasn't really my intention, it just kinda happened. We just went with it for a while, and then eventually I wanted to make sure I was portraying it accurately so I started researching. I was really surprised when I found out I was actually doing it pretty well (according to the internet anyway). For one, I'd never even heard of co-consciousness before, and some other things I'd just made up but they all turned out to be perfectly viable (I can't think of other specific examples at the moment). While relieved, it made me rather suspicious that I was able to just "guess" that well.

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Now for some reasons opposed... Well, the main one is, I actually do remember my childhood, quite a bit of it apparently. When I was younger I used to say that I had a good long-term memory and a bad short-term one. That still kinda holds true, apparently, though I had my doubts for a while. Middle school is a bit fuzzy, but that was a dark time in my life and I'm fine with pretending that never happened. (I do remember it happening though.)

Other reasons opposed... Well, I guess I just don't ever feel "switchy", not like those times I mentioned above. Sure I get mood swings sometimes, but that happens to lots of people. And other than the stuff I mentioned above, I don't really get gaps in my memory, or at least I don't think I do. Maybe just none that I can remember, ha. Anyway, it seems to me that, if anything, I'd have to be co-conscious without realizing it, and that sounds a bit strange to me. Is that even possible? I guess I should say that I do have conversations with myself a lot, but that has never struck me as being something odd...

More reasoning opposed, adding down here because that's when I thought of it. The angry me up there could be just that, me losing my temper. Maybe the circumstances are a bit strange, but I wouldn't know. Well one extra thing, I used to not be able to hold a grudge. I'd tell this to people like it was a virtue, but in retrospect that might not have been a good idea. Well, I got really offended for the first time a few years back, and since then, grudge-holding has not been a problem for me. I don't know if this is relevant or not, but I thought I'd throw it out there because I thought of it.

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That ended up longer than expected, my apologies. To anyone who read it all, thanks. I'd really appreciate your feedback.

Skink,

Only a psych doc can diagnose you. And even then it might take quite some time to come to that diagnoses because we change so much and it's difficult to pin us down. Having said that, I have been dealing with this a long time and if I can help in anyway I will.

To be diagnosed with DID you have to have at least two distinct alters. It is, I've found, common to become aware of one alter to begin with and as you relax with the idea others are apt to begin to show themselves. It's also normal not to be aware of others until something happens that causes them to 'show' themselves. It is also possible to be aware of things they said and done, sometimes through co-operation and shared memories.

You can negotiate and compromise with alters. I'm not sure chaining them up is such a good idea. Better to try to make friends with them in my experience.

You can look for signs that there are alters, lost time, memory loss, clothes you don't remember buying. When I first became aware of mine I was in my late teens and my dad had just died. I was confused and didn't know what was going on. So I started a journal but it wasn't easy, I would find pages ripped out and there was stuff that I didn't remember writing. But with a little work it can be done.

It was over time and very gradually that I learned of other alters. And that they had been there all along.

I'm new here and I'm not sure how much to post. I don't want to scare anyone.

It does seem to resemble mood swings.

I wasn't aware of lost time either until I became aware of one or two alters, then a lot of things just seemed to make a lot more sense to me. I used to get frustrated when family members were talking about things that happened when we were young, things I couldn't remember for the life of me. I grew up thinking I had a terrible memory.

I think we all have 'conversations' with ourselves but to my mind they are mostly about plans and decision making or telling ourselves off for getting into some situation or other. Conversations with alters isn't so easy to describe but it is more like a 'real' conversation where there is wants and don'ts and give me..s, there can be threats, I don't think we threaten ourselves and if we did I don't think it would scare us but from an alter it can be scary. We can tell ourselves to go take a hike but just try telling an alter to go take a hike.

When I began to become aware of my alters, I asked all the same questions you are asking now. My anger didn't seem to be a part of me. I got the blame for stuff I didn't remember doing. I thought I was an angel in school and yet I was always getting into trouble.

I hope something above helps.

Welcome, Skink!

Well, there's a difference between losing your temper, and actually not being in control of what you're doing. People do get mad and get carried away or even black out from the rage... but it sounds like you're confused about what's happening, when it happens. Do you feel like you have control over your body, when it happens (can you say/do what you want to?)?

Skink wrote:So I took her, and drew a picture of her chained down, and explained very sternly that she was not to come out again, ever. She hasn't. I think she may have tried once when I loosened the chains in an, er, experiment recently, but I figured that wasn't very good and reset them.

...Okay saying all that maybe it really does sound like DID

Yeah, that really does

Skink wrote:but that's only one alter and one who is essentially gone so I'm not sure it would still count, would it? That was only one reason though, there are others, but less obvious.

Yes, one alter, even if they're not around right now, would still count. And if there are others... What are the others like?

Skink wrote:I only have one friend I really talk to right now, and we get into arguments sometimes, that's normal right? One seemed to be pretty big and we stopped talking for a while but that's been over with for a while. I don't know what we were mad at each other over, and I know I don't want to know, but I figured that was just typical memory blocking. That happens, right? Well, that's what I figured until I realized just now that I don't remember what we were arguing about a few days ago. I remember it happened, and I remember how we dealt with it, but I don't remember what it was, or I just don't want to... Is that still normal? Is it even normal in the first place?

It is normal to get into arguments, sometimes. Are you saying you remember resolving the argument, but not what happened before it? I'm awesome at blocking out arguments from my memory I hate fighting... it makes me incredibly nervous. So I will remember being there, I'll remember the fight, generally what it was about, and I do remember being in control when it happened, but I block out any details about the fight. I can get the memory back if I try really hard, but I end up with a bad headache, so sometimes I have to ask people what the fight was about If you can ask your friend what it was about, and you then remember, I would think you just blocked it out. If your friend says you said/did something that you don't remember, that might have been an alter

Skink wrote:I wanted to make sure I was portraying it accurately so I started researching. I was really surprised when I found out I was actually doing it pretty well (according to the internet anyway).

That is interesting. Maybe there is a reason you knew about it

Skink wrote:Well, the main one is, I actually do remember my childhood, quite a bit of it apparently.

I read somewhere (can't find it now ) that it is possible for some multiples to remember a lot of their childhood. I remember more than most singular people do.

Skink wrote:I don't really get gaps in my memory, or at least I don't think I do. Maybe just none that I can remember, ha.

While I do remember most things, I do have blank spots here and there, that I had no explanation for, but I had tried to forget about those times, because it freaked me out too much I thought I was never going to figure out what was going on. Maybe you're ignoring some odd things?

Skink wrote:Anyway, it seems to me that, if anything, I'd have to be co-conscious without realizing it, and that sounds a bit strange to me. Is that even possible? I guess I should say that I do have conversations with myself a lot, but that has never struck me as being something odd...

Well, if you are co-conscious, you could be having conversations with them and think you're talking to yourself. I talked to "myself" all the time, and thought it was normal. People talk to themselves. But any time I heard a thought that definitely could not be coming from me, I would freak out, because I thought I was developing schizophrenia or something.

Could you try talking to them, and ask them some questions? Like their name, why they're here... stuff like that...?

Lillyrose wrote:Only a psych doc can diagnose you. And even then it might take quite some time to come to that diagnoses because we change so much and it's difficult to pin us down. Having said that, I have been dealing with this a long time and if I can help in anyway I will.

Thanks.

Lillyrose wrote:To be diagnosed with DID you have to have at least two distinct alters. It is, I've found, common to become aware of one alter to begin with and as you relax with the idea others are apt to begin to show themselves. It's also normal not to be aware of others until something happens that causes them to 'show' themselves. It is also possible to be aware of things they said and done, sometimes through co-operation and shared memories.

You can negotiate and compromise with alters. I'm not sure chaining them up is such a good idea. Better to try to make friends with them in my experience.

I guess I meet the first requirement. I wonder about the rest though. I have a feeling that if they do exist, they don't really want to be found out. It was really tough for me to get around to posting here in the first place, but I felt better once I did so who knows. As for the one, I did explain why she wasn't allowed to come out anymore and I think she understood... I really don't want to risk her getting out again and blowing her lid at someone unsuspecting again though.

Lillyrose wrote:You can look for signs that there are alters, lost time, memory loss, clothes you don't remember buying. When I first became aware of mine I was in my late teens and my dad had just died. I was confused and didn't know what was going on. So I started a journal but it wasn't easy, I would find pages ripped out and there was stuff that I didn't remember writing. But with a little work it can be done.

The only thing I can think of really is that I'm really good at misplacing things. Like, I can get up to grab something, then get distracted by something else and put it down, and then go back to what I was doing before and completely forget that I'd grabbed anything or have no idea where I'd put it. That could just be absent-mindedness though.

Lillyrose wrote:I wasn't aware of lost time either until I became aware of one or two alters, then a lot of things just seemed to make a lot more sense to me. I used to get frustrated when family members were talking about things that happened when we were young, things I couldn't remember for the life of me. I grew up thinking I had a terrible memory.

I think we all have 'conversations' with ourselves but to my mind they are mostly about plans and decision making or telling ourselves off for getting into some situation or other. Conversations with alters isn't so easy to describe but it is more like a 'real' conversation where there is wants and don'ts and give me..s, there can be threats, I don't think we threaten ourselves and if we did I don't think it would scare us but from an alter it can be scary. We can tell ourselves to go take a hike but just try telling an alter to go take a hike.

When I began to become aware of my alters, I asked all the same questions you are asking now. My anger didn't seem to be a part of me. I got the blame for stuff I didn't remember doing. I thought I was an angel in school and yet I was always getting into trouble.

I don't really have anyone I talk about the past with so I've never had that problem, heh.

Those do sound a lot like my conversations. There's always a lot of back and forth about what are and aren't good ideas, and sometimes I get yelled at. I don't really have problems with blame though...

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canolime wrote:Welcome, Skink!

Well, there's a difference between losing your temper, and actually not being in control of what you're doing. People do get mad and get carried away or even black out from the rage... but it sounds like you're confused about what's happening, when it happens. Do you feel like you have control over your body, when it happens (can you say/do what you want to?)?

Well, the first time, I think maybe we weren't separate yet, because I can remember pretty well that above all I wanted her to feel pain, and then when it didn't work it was very upsetting. The 3rd time, like I said I don't remember really at all so I can't say how that went. The 2nd time was over IM so that one I was able to just look at the screen and see some of what had been said. As for being in control, I'm not really sure. I want to say that it felt like I was watching, but it was so long ago I wonder if it's just me assuming now. Though, I do remember how I felt afterwards quite well. It really felt like, I guess, a "switch", like stepping out from behind her back or something. I think I said "Whoa". It definitely hadn't felt like I was the one ranting. That was the only time that really felt that obvious though.

canolime wrote:

Skink wrote:but that's only one alter and one who is essentially gone so I'm not sure it would still count, would it? That was only one reason though, there are others, but less obvious.

Yes, one alter, even if they're not around right now, would still count. And if there are others... What are the others like?

Oops, I meant that I had other reasons for thinking I might have it. I don't know what others might be like.

canolime wrote:It is normal to get into arguments, sometimes. Are you saying you remember resolving the argument, but not what happened before it? I'm awesome at blocking out arguments from my memory I hate fighting... it makes me incredibly nervous. So I will remember being there, I'll remember the fight, generally what it was about, and I do remember being in control when it happened, but I block out any details about the fight. I can get the memory back if I try really hard, but I end up with a bad headache, so sometimes I have to ask people what the fight was about If you can ask your friend what it was about, and you then remember, I would think you just blocked it out. If your friend says you said/did something that you don't remember, that might have been an alter

Yes, I remember the resolution but not the argument. Although, I just now remembered the cause after I accidentally thought about it for a while, so maybe it was a false alarm. The thing is I asked my friend about it like you suggested, and she said she couldn't remember either.

More on that point though, I really hate conflict and I usually try to avoid it at all costs. I'm getting better about resolving things peacefully though. It used to be that every time something started to heat up, I'd get this feeling, that's really hard to describe, and then I'd get scared that I'd snap again if things kept up so I'd just cut off the conversation prematurely and try to make myself scarce if that wasn't enough. That seemed to upset people, but it was better than the alternative. I mentioned an 'experiment' earlier, where I tried letting myself get angry, just so I could figure out how to describe that feeling. It worked, but now I can't remember the description I ended up settling on. Maybe like a pressure behind my eyes and my whole body going tense? I don't know, but I don't think I want to try that experiment again.

canolime wrote:I read somewhere (can't find it now ) that it is possible for some multiples to remember a lot of their childhood. I remember more than most singular people do.

That's something I hadn't heard of before. Hmm... My ex used to complain that I talked about my childhood too much, because it was ridiculous to remember that much. I'd figured that was pretty good evidence against.

canolime wrote:Well, if you are co-conscious, you could be having conversations with them and think you're talking to yourself. I talked to "myself" all the time, and thought it was normal. People talk to themselves. But any time I heard a thought that definitely could not be coming from me, I would freak out, because I thought I was developing schizophrenia or something.

Could you try talking to them, and ask them some questions? Like their name, why they're here... stuff like that...?

I've never really thought about where my thoughts are coming from before, though I've been a little paranoid about it since I started considering the possibility of DID. I still don't know if that's just me talking to myself or uh "myselves". I did try asking stuff like names, but for the most part, everything got silent after that. Every time but once I got a couple of names but I was half asleep so I don't know if that was just me being halfway into dream mode or something. I, uh, also kinda forgot one of them, but I'm just terrible with names in general.

Also thanks so much for your reply!

Skink wrote:Well, the first time, I think maybe we weren't separate yet

Or maybe she was, but that time it was you who was angry

Skink wrote:Though, I do remember how I felt afterwards quite well. It really felt like, I guess, a "switch", like stepping out from behind her back or something. I think I said "Whoa". It definitely hadn't felt like I was the one ranting.

That does sound like you weren't the one in control. I think it gets easier to recognize what's happening, the more times it happens.

Skink wrote:Oops, I meant that I had other reasons for thinking I might have it. I don't know what others might be like.

Oh, okay

Skink wrote:Yes, I remember the resolution but not the argument. Although, I just now remembered the cause after I accidentally thought about it for a while, so maybe it was a false alarm. The thing is I asked my friend about it like you suggested, and she said she couldn't remember either.

It's not too unusual to forget an argument. You hear people in shows say things like "I don't even remember how it started...", a lot I think it depends on how much of it you can't remember, or if you didn't feel like you were the one in control during the fight.

Skink wrote:It used to be that every time something started to heat up, I'd get this feeling, that's really hard to describe, and then I'd get scared that I'd snap again if things kept up so I'd just cut off the conversation prematurely and try to make myself scarce if that wasn't enough.

Understandable. It's not fun to lose control (and maybe do something you'll regret). If it happens again, could you ask someone inside about it? Or could you ask them now, about what happened before? See if they know what's going on.

Skink wrote:My ex used to complain that I talked about my childhood too much, because it was ridiculous to remember that much. I'd figured that was pretty good evidence against.

Yeah, I used to think it was good evidence, too...

Skink wrote:I did try asking stuff like names, but for the most part, everything got silent after that. Every time but once I got a couple of names but I was half asleep so I don't know if that was just me being halfway into dream mode or something. I, uh, also kinda forgot one of them, but I'm just terrible with names in general.

Well... how do you talk to yourself? I have arguments with like 3 different points of view
It can be easier to talk to alters before falling asleep. You could ask for names, again... and this time, write them down.

There may be some cases where alters just don't want to tell you names, too. I'm not sure how often that happens but I know mine don't. They tend to flip out and hide if they draw too much attention....

I'm pretty sure they have names (they have different ages and appearances so I'm sure there are names to go with), they just don't like to be known.

Well, last night I was very determined to get something out of them or bust. I guess I won't go into detail, but I was able to identify 3 others. In addition to the angry one, the two whose names I got last time eventually answered too, once I put uh, let's call her "D" back away again. (I'm pretty sure the name she gave me isn't her real one, since it's one of my screennames, but this is a compromise.) The other two we chatted for a while. They were reluctant to give out too much information, but at least I got their names again (and this time I wrote them down!). Teznol (male, at least in his mid-teens) and Margaret (female, younger, but also of indeterminate age). Teznol is the one I couldn't, and still can't remember... I get it wrong almost every time I try. The thing is, I'm pretty sure that's the same name he gave me last time, so that kind of discounts my theory that someone (me or them) just made up names on the spot last time, which was my original theory as to why they got quiet when I asked.

Even without asking, the names gave me some clues as to "when" they came from at least.. Well, I looked up "teznol" because it's such a weird name, I figured it had to be made up, turns out there's a drug for hypertension called "tesnol"... It's also used to treat anxiety. I was put on something at some point but I can't remember what it was or what it was for (and asking would be incredibly awkward), but either way, it's still weird... Margaret was (I think) the name of one of my friends in preschool, so that puts her at a point before I forgot her name, so pretty early on.

Then Teznol said, quite firmly, that he showed up in 8th grade. I don't know what happened in 8th grade, but that was also around the time I started seeing some psych doctors so that would explain the name, I guess... The other thing I learned is that none of us know how to switch, besides D, apparently. They also seemed very against the idea of trying so there's that too.

So that was last night... Today has been eerily quiet however. No talking to myself, or any of those guys, but not for lack of trying either. Assuming I wasn't just being delusional last night... Did they just get tired, or maybe they're hiding? Or maybe I really was deluding myself? It's so hard to tell stuff... On the other hand, if it was just my imagination, I'd be able to bring them back whenever right?

Good, you got some names

Skink wrote:The thing is, I'm pretty sure that's the same name he gave me last time, so that kind of discounts my theory that someone (me or them) just made up names on the spot last time, which was my original theory as to why they got quiet when I asked.

Same kind of thing happened when one of my kid alters named her stuffed animal. A couple of days later, I forgot what she named it, so I asked her... I was pleasantly surprised when she quickly said the same name that she had said the first time

Skink wrote:Today has been eerily quiet however. No talking to myself, or any of those guys, but not for lack of trying either. Assuming I wasn't just being delusional last night... Did they just get tired, or maybe they're hiding? Or maybe I really was deluding myself?

They do that, sometimes. The day after I made my first post here, my head was the most silent it's ever been

Skink wrote:On the other hand, if it was just my imagination, I'd be able to bring them back whenever right?

That's what I think

Skink,

I agree with canolime. Imagination is great for writers but for us it's a bad word, especially when someone tries to tell us that it's just our imagination.

Sounds to me like you did really well talking to them and getting all that information.

I freaked out when I realised what was going on. They could talk to me (one or two at the time) but I thought I was going mad and tried to ignore them. To begin with I didn't realise I could talk to them. Then I accidentally caught a part of a kids programme about a young boy experiencing something like I was, he told his dad and his dad was very good with him and told him to tell them to let him have some rest. I wondered if that would work for me - then I told myself to stop being so stupid and that it was just my imagination. But later, very tired and going crazy, I tried it and it worked. I would like to say things got better after that but it was like world war three for awhile. I know for everyone it's different but for me we were like warring siblings, we fought over everything, what to eat, what to wear, it got funny sometimes but it has settled down enormously to the extent that I am in control most of the time now.

They did hide away sometimes, like at the psych doc’s etc. And there was also some restrictions on what I was free to tell the psych doc without their permission.

I can talk about it now and even laugh at some of the stuff they did but I did go through a very frightening time when I first realised what was going on. I didn’t have any of the information that is available now, the net has been a god-send to me.

Lillyrose wrote:we fought over everything, what to eat, what to wear, it got funny sometimes but it has settled down enormously to the extent that I am in control most of the time now.

And there was also some restrictions on what I was free to tell the psych doc without their permission.

Ugh. I was going to make a thread about this kind of thing, today