JJ’s Journal

I decided to start my own journal as I don’t actually identify with a lot of how past alters felt especially in the more recent months.

I still seem to be the one with executive control of the body but K & T are able to experience the same day ‘through me’ as long as they stay blended in the background (but still ‘up front’).

We haven’t received any messages/dreams etc from the inside for a couple of days…it’s possible they’ve gone dormant for a while until we see if Kit’s issue will be fixed if she remains out front full time for a while instead of constantly flitting between front and inside.

ok ...so apparently some are still awake inside and are acting as the ‘mirror avatar’ for us when we do physio out here (as a distraction strategy for the FND)

Kit is out here with me full time at the minute I’m not sure who is in ‘her integration’ (neither is she entirely) but she seems to be able to switch between being a younger more tomboy style ‘Kit’ and a more feminine NT older lady ‘Kitty’ ..whereby she can take over the voice box but I’m still controlling our limbs.

She still appears to struggle with motor control of the entire body at once though when we’ve been laid down in bed watching TV (semi reclined so body is fully supported) she was able to take over control of thumbs/fingers once I had the Switch in my hands and manage the smaller movements needed to control the character on-screen. That way she has been playing the new Zelda at night while I’ve been watching TV. we are working on typing but it requires a bit more movement (due to size of onscreen ipad or laptop keyboard)..maybe a smaller more compact bluetooth keyboard would work?

If we need to get up though like to go to loo, make a drink or let our dog out she lets me take back full control of the hands to go do what needs to be done.

Tinks is still a background worker, more the 'distraction for the brain’ so we can at least manage the basics even if others aren’t ‘mirroring us’ inside. She works as our emotional support and inner strength too. Between the 3 of us the 'host body' appears to the outside world to be at least ’semi-independant'

The Tiinnitus has increased the last couple of days I don’t know if it's cos we had to take painkillers (I know some are considered ‘Ototoxic’) or if there’s a supplement I’ve not been taking that the others had …that had made it reduce in volume?

Unfortunately they had not written down the exact combination of what they were taking and our worktops and cupboards have loads of different supplements in/on them! ..so frustratingly I’ve no idea what it was that had been working!

Maybe its just that its suddenly turned cold which has re-triggered the arthritis to flare up and in turn re-triggered the increase in volume in the T?

Sorry its a long one!

It’s been a very erratic time over the recent years with the perimenopause and constant severe mood swings affecting who fronts…. some of us were not sure if we had DID/OSDD and preferred to believe they were Tulpa but having read many posts from non-DID people who have created Tulpa it is clear we definitely have some level of some kind of a Dissociation Disorder probably heavily influenced by the Autism and a lifetime of feeling the need to ‘mask’.

Also from going on Autism forums talking to people with Autism only (none DID) the differences in their ‘social masks’ and ours. ..Most with autism only - their ‘social masks’ do not take on their own identity and they don’t communicate with them as seperate individuals!

We definitely appear to have both! ... we have alters who were originally formed by and still triggered by ‘bullying’ (in any form) and we have some that are clearly Tulpa as they were deliberately created by one of the past alters at some point in our life…..once created everyone in the system can ‘see and communicate with them’. (once everyone knew of each others existence!)

However our Tulpa’s also very quickly acquire 'alter skills’ such as being able to front…much faster without us having to consciously go through with any ‘forcing techniques’ that non-DID/non-autistic people have to go through to create theirs.

We believe its possible that some older (original alter) parts who either

* previously had the ability to front as a social mask but had not originaly had ’their own identity’

*. or was one of the ‘secret selves’ who preferred to remain ‘unknown’ as themselves but were still curious enough to want to sometimes experience the outside world ……

blended with the ’Tulpa spirits’ as a new way for them to experience life on the outside too and giving the Tulpa thoughtform’ the ability to front and function in the body too. They each get what they want out of the relationship/experience…to experience being up front .. with or without ‘being seen’ by the outside world (or by a very limited audience - ie visiting Tulpa online groups).



***TW mentions in passing beings created specifically for sexual acts - no details***


There also seems to be a big difference in the Tulpa’s function too ...the Tulpa of non Neurodiverse individuals often seem to have been created to satisfy a ’sexual need’ in some way. (and they are more often NT males creating anime style females).

We noted NONE of our insiders felt comfortable in that atmosphere even one’s that believed they were Tulpa too and otherwise generally liked going to Tulpa groups to talk about their ‘wonderland’…they would often leave any chat/discussion that started to look like it was ‘heading that way'


**END OF TW**



Autistic (but not DID) individuals often create animal or part animal Tulpa Pets for comfort and companionship often in the memory of passed (real life) pets and the relationship with them is ‘innocent’ …purely like that or pet & owner. (Jess and Tinks have played that part for various alters, Phoenix has played that part for Bobby and LS for many years inside).

Yet Phoenix was created many years ago in childhood when we had no idea of the existence of Tulpa’s ….could Bobby still have accidentally created one with absolutely no knowledge of what one even was? ..to them it was just an innocent imaginery companion they preferred to spend time with over other RL kids who just made fun of them for being different.

I believe some of our ‘imaginative skills’ come from the fact we possibly have ADHD mixed in too…now being referred to as AuDHD and ours is particuarly well developed due to the issolation Bobby grew up in before video games and colour TV existed! (or before we had it!) Hyperphantasia seems more common (higher number than found in the average population) in people with Autism, Inattentive ADHD and other forms of NeuroDiversity.

It would explain why Bobby enjoyed the inner world more than the outside world so never viewed the dissociation as traumatic, it was more of an escape for them. Oddly video games didn't become an obsession for them until they reached the stage they were more ‘photorealistic’ and like ‘being in a movie’..ie Skyrim, Breath of the Wild etc and purely so they could reproduce the exact same maps in our ‘internal holodecks’ to escape into.

When we were younger films were more frequently copied (having an internal version of Narnia, the Enterprise etc). It explains a lot but it also confuses alot as I find myself asking have we imagined these ‘alters’ or are they really there?

It's been a somewhat (internally) chaotic week for us. Multiple blends have been going on in each sub-group....chopping and changing ..I think to transfer information between parts or help parts/fragments re-blend into the sub-group they believe they should be in.

so I've consequently had quite severe brain fog this last week and trouble working out 'who I am' as multiple parts have tried to temporarily blend, integrate or just pass on information then disappear!

Some information has also been passed on in dreams resulting in some really weird vivid dreams this last week! Even Baz visited me via a dream to take me for a (virtual) walk through the woods and explain some stuff!

Tinks has integrated with Jess and Jess has come back to the front to blend with me. I use the words 'integrate' and 'blend' to mean different things here.... Integrate (to us) means they are no longer 2 seperate selves...Jess and Tinks are one and the same.... blend means she sometimes chooses to blend with me to experience 'outside world' with me but also can choose to go for a break inside when she wants.

Kit and I have decided .... her 'Kitty-self' makes an appropriate older social mask (to match the bodies chronological age) when we are blended and acting as 'legal name' out in the real world...so when we have to blend for external stuff that side of her takes the front seat but we're still sharing the role, (legal) name and body but working 'as one'. We have been able to test this when we went out for a meal this week, Kitty was able to 'take the front' and it went well. so EH (External Host ie legal name) is a blend of our personalities, likes/disikes etc.


We have enjoyed making joint decisions on everything and our ability to communicate internally (telepathically) and switch control of limbs is happening quicker and quicker.

I think we’ve each reached our final integrations!…The system has decided we function far more efficiently with 3 as seperate individuals (at least for the front). ..so we will probably never fully integrate completely down to ‘one self’

Jody has fully integrated with Jess & Tinks to give them better languague skills and ability to hold human form better when its needed at the front.

They have decided their integrated name will be Jessy from now on..adding the Y to acknowledge Jody being in the mix and their ‘base form’ (they are changeling) is that of Tinks’ body when they do not need to be in human form. They all agreed on this before they fully integrated and agreed whoever ended up being the strongest personality once integrated would honour that agreement.

Phoenix has remained seperate inside as her loyalty pledge has been to the littles for our bodies entire life really..that whilst ever there were littles in the system she would be their guardian and companion. Her job now is to look after the ‘insiders’ - ones who have chosen to remain living inside. She has matured alot during the menopause years despite initially really struggling with the mood swings.

Bobby is remaining seperate mainly inside in charge of maintenance of the inner world but occasionally visiting ‘to get new material’ for the holodeck programs ie new scenery from open world video games/films etc. ..they have also matured alot over the last 8 years but still find the outside world quite overwhelming and prefer the sanctuary of the ‘inner world’.

Kitty has decided on Kitty as their final integration name…..they have Juno as part of their integration. Juno and Yuna wanted to be able to blend together but as seperate individuals so they could still feel and interact with each other..so Yuna is part of my integration that way they get their wish too.

Mila is part of my integration but Ellie has stayed inside as part of the 'inside family’ as the littles and Baz know her as ‘Maya’s sister’…so she told them she lost her job in the city and has moved onto the farm with them permenantly.


Also progress on the physio front…. we have found we are moving better and able to do the exercises when they weren’t mirroring us inside…discovered this quite by accident when we had our regular physio session which had been good and we just assumed they were inside doing the same then later found they hadn’t been! Just having the extra distraction of a changeling up front and blended with us now seems to be enough to distract the FND. ..so 3 really does seem to be ‘magic number’ for us!

We’re having a PJ day today as its Bonfire Night here ... and although its supposed to be a school day (for local kids) its not uncommon for some to be skiving off setting fireworks off on the local playing fields or woods!

There was a huge pile of discarded (used) fireworks in the field when we went yesterday from the weekend….so not going to risk taking doggy out especially for off-lead time incase some idiot thinks it will be fun to spook people’s dogs!

We’ve got one of the Adaptil plug in things thats been plugged in near his bed for a couple of weeks now and been slowly increasing a mild sedative/calmer (for dogs/cats) throughout October. This weekend just gone they’ve been going off like mad all night from as soon as it starts getting dark…so expecting the same again tonight!

We’ll play puzzle and tracking games with him in the garden while its quiet to tire him out mentally during day and we have a den (his old puppy crate) we leave it covered in a corner so he can go in there if he wants, put a radio next to it..some radio stations play calming music for pets bonfire night and he has one of those teddies you can put an heartbeat and heat pack in..he’s had the 'stuffie puppy' since he was a puppy..(though had to get replacement heat packs and heart for it).

Depends how loud things get ...if its only one of two going off further in distance he will just stay on the bed next to us but if it starts sounding like a war zone right outside our house he sometimes retreats to his den.

Don't know why people can’t use silent fireworks they still get the visual display without frightening all the local animals for miles around with all the noise! They shouldn’t allow them on housing estates where loads of people have dogs and cats in immediate area that are going to be terrified!

…anyway. rant over! ..best go let him play out for a bit while its still ‘safe’ in the garden!

We have some progress..thanks to a visual image of how DID develops Bobby has finally accepted that they cannot be ‘the core’. (I don’t know how to add a picture but it’s a series of 8 images with stick people illustrating how personality fails to come together as one)

I know Kit (the original who came here 2018) did a lot of research but we’ve had a stroke since and really struggled to relearn that amount of technical detail or understand the stuff due to the memory problems (and brain fog/fatigue from peri too)

That little picture representation along with knowing our early medical history leads to only one possible conclusion in our case …..that our early medical issues all added up and led to the personality never properly integrating in the first place.

We know we were SIGNIFICANTLY developmentally delayed in the very early years due to

* Our mum had Blood poisoning (Toxaemia) while pregnant with us leading to our thyroid not developing properly (she had the rarer Rhesus negative blood group)

* this was then not discovered until we were 23 months old when we failed to reach developmental milestones.. couldn’t sit even up unsupported, let alone attempting to walk or speak, very floppy limbs.

* were put on Phenobarbitol due to ‘febrile convulsions’ we believe us possibly staring into space a lot was also mistaken for ‘petit mal’ so were kept on this medication until we were 7.

* scientific/medical journals online now show they know Phenobarbital can change the structure of the developing brain the longer an infant is on it.

* there were a couple of other significant accidents that could have also caused additional brain damage…a fractured skull from falling off a low wall and a couple of incidents of ‘drowning’ (in the allotment pond at around 5yrs old and during school swimming lessons at around 9-10yo)

* although the cut off age is about 7-8 I think for a child to have developed DID by (from personality not integrating by then) we were still significantly behind by several years in social/emotional development due to the autism too which had been queried but not officially diagnosed back then as it was seen to be something only boys had (1970’s) and the thyroid specialist had told my parents it was because of my ‘slow start’ in life and `I would ‘catch up’ once they had stabilised my condition. hence the intensive ABA therapy to learn to be a ‘normal child’.


Also reading specifically about DID in children, articles state that imaginary friends are common, with many more of them and it continuing further into childhood. …that would explain our ‘changelings’ I guess if the brain has remained fragmented all those years due to early damage then it could have also believed those early imaginary friends to be as real as other human alters and later social mask alters treating them all the same…. and also explain the speed at which some of our alters can still create fully sentient Tulpa that quickly develop the same skills as other alters (ie been able to front/co-host) even in adulthood.

This practice is apparently supposed to take years of focused meditation to achieve in neurotypical brains! Because our brain believes our changelings can be anything instantly this process is much faster for us. ..though not all alters have access to this ability to summon changelings. (it was never given to ‘social mask’ alters as their job was to convince the outside world we were just like them).


Still we do have some that prefer to think they are Tulpa rather than alters (and that all remaining alters can now see and communicate with) but I think it’s because DID due to early medical trauma is rarely discussed with many still insisting it can only be caused by severe early childhood abuse and they (our insiders that choose to be known as Tulpa rather than alters) obviously don’t want that association with who they feel they are.


To them it is simple ..a Tulpa is created from love & dedication and an alter from abuse but I hope now knowing ours was definitely caused by the intensity of our early ongoing medical problems throughout the critical period of brain and personality development that our parts that would not previously accept the possibility we had DID will now eventually accept it.

So far we have agreed that we definitely have some level of ability to dissociate very easily, some seem to enjoy it and use it as a form of escapism they aren’t interested in medical diagnosis or being cured of it, it helps them cope with how stressful life is due to the autism.

others are... ok I understand we have this thing but we kind of like being a family and are attached to the ones they live inside with so again have no interest in learning more or integrating any further than we have.

The only ones who did integrate seem to have been parts that had never fully formed into seperate identities and maybe appeared in a couple of situations as host in external world when needed for one off situations (and so identified as host personality of body at that moment in time). They integrated with the ones most similar to who they had believed they were…who then sometimes did the same if they felt another alter had a stronger personality they wanted to be part of.

Of the ones inside only Bobby reguarly visits the front to spend time out here usually to play specific video games for a couple of hours before returning inside..mainly at weekends so we swap places so I can get a break from the front.

They still have the ability to take over 'executive control' even though they now understand they are not 'the core’ so to speak… they are still the one that has been around the longest from the furthest back and have abilities that most (who have only previously been ‘social mask’ hosts) - don’t have!

Due to an internal crisis JJ’s parts have had to re-split so some could return inside to help so technically there’s no JJ as they were an integration of different parts and JJ was their ‘integrated name’.

At the minute its just me (Jessy) and Bobby providing emergency cover at the front as we have our external dog to take care of too. Kitty has gone inside to help too.

I’m really not sure at this stage how long its going to take to re-organise ourselves

Hi Mila here today.

So..update….

We have found out what the issue inside was. it seems there has been a relationship breakdown between Maya and Baz..though tbh it had only been a platonic relationship between them since Baz and little boy were found with memory issues and Baz had been sleeping in a seperate room (in the internal farmhouse)

Firstly ..Maya.

(Previously the one known as ‘Sue’ on here) has been struggling with Depression

In her original role in our teens she was the ‘carer’ of our mum when she had cancer and then of our sibling and dad (and the family dog of the time) after she passed whilst also having to cope with starting work in a new job only 4 days after the funeral.

Even when she returned inside after ‘Thea’ appeared to go to university…Sue was then the carer of the littles inside ..LS and Bobby still both being under 10 back then and many of us others been unaware of each other. She doesn’t feel ‘Maya’ is her but doesn’t feel she knows who she is beyond that role.

She sometimes feels she no longer wants to exist but sometimes longs for freedom. Rather than her shut down she has agreed to take a break in the Holodeck and go on (a virtual) holiday with Ellie to see how she feels after she has had a break from responsibilities.


Baz

It seems Baz is more attracted to Kitty and they have been meeting up in secret while Maya was busy with the littles or sleeping. He seems to have a little more awareness now though doesn't remember having a relationship with Maya in the past and can’t understand why he can’t remember the littles 'being born’ if they are ‘his kids’.


Aly (pronounced ahlee)

The little boy we found who is not Bobby (who's now in adult form) is now saying his name is Aly and he too feels more connected to Kitty than Maya. Although he seems to know she is not his mother and Baz is not his father. We are a little confused as to where Aly has come from but Kitty has taken him under her wing and has said she will stay on the farm and look after the littles while Sue is away. Aly is currently around 6-7years old.


Little Susie

LS found her way to the front recently triggered out by a snow day, but said her name was Lily and she was 8. …we do know that a past child alter Lily who previously came out at around 11-13yrs old) hadn’t been seen since the last incident and we had suspected she could be still be integrated within LS who had regressed to age 3.

She is currently still 8, but we don't yet know whether they will re-split if she ages up to the original age that Lily split off from LS?


So lot happening…as I was part of the JJ integration and we all re-split I find myself as 'just Mila’ again.

We don’t have a stable front host currently it just seems to be whoever finds themself up front when the body wakes up! …we can then be either here all day or there’ll be multiple switches to get us through the day…either way the dissociation doesn’t seem to be as bad and communication (with others inside) and connection to the body when up front seems to have improved overall.