JJ’s Journal

We have managed for some of us to re-integrate to become host again. We are still using JJ as the collective (adult) host name for online.

We’re still trying to work out a new way of hosting and managing life.

We’re having to deal with a lot of what we’re calling 'complex life admin’ (a lot of form filling/legal stuff etc) which would have in the past being sorted out by other people for us and as none of us are actually the age of the body (emotionally or socially) it’s challenging for us to know how a NT person would be expected to deal with it.

I’d say Kitty was the closest to being NT she’s usually the best one to front when dealing with ‘official’ people face to face in the outside world. Though she’s happy to help out she seems happy also with her ‘inside life’ especially since she’s officially been ‘in a relationship’ with Baz inside. I think Baz and Aly are actually Tulpa that Kitty has created to give herself an ‘inside life’ as she knows some of us would never cope with a partner/child in the outside world.

Lily is starting to come to the front more often again, (though it maybe just cos its near xmas) she often blends with Yuna for them to come out together and play video games, often with Jessy too and they seem more confident blended as one than they do when they have fronted individually.

Lily also still enjoys the inner world life a lot and spends alot of time with ‘the internal family’ but suddenly announced this morning she’d like to be a host one day!

Yuna is starting to spend more time taking care of daily life even if Kitty isn’t out at the front. I think Jay has integrated within Yuna making her feel less dependant on Kitty (just because Juno is integrated with Kitty) Jessy often does a temp blend with her too.

I think Yuna and Juno still see themselves as sisters but perhaps in the past where they considered themselves like ‘conjoined twins’ now they are more like regular twins (with their own seperate bodies) and they do have confidence to spend time seperately. They do sometimes come to the front and we let them take over to have a couple of hours together.

Yesterday we all worked together to get the xmas trees up as we’d actually forgotten it was the 12th until nearly lunch time as we’d had a long lie in as it was raining first thing so we weren’t up early to walk Mr Woof at his usual time. Everyone came together and we managed to get them up

I don't think we got many of the things done we had previously said for 2024 - external things like art project never really got started, kitchen and sorting of spare room never got done.. however I think things have changed on the inside, several seem to have experienced some level of maturity and/or progress even if only tiny steps and we do seem to have a small degree of physical improvement from this time last year. Less conflict and more shared abilities even if its only in video games!

well we managed to have a good xmas day got up early went to our favourite spots then helped our dog open his presents before we went out for dinner.

The last few days though our dog has been really sick at first we thought he’d just had too many xmas treats but his legs were shaky too then his eyes seemed to be moving rapidly from left to right and realised he hadn’t been sick cos of something he ate but cos he felt constantly dizzy.

Anyway it turns out to be something known as 'old dog vestibular syndrome’ it can be Idiopathic (meaning they don’t know what caused it) but still seems to improve on its own eventually.

Someone in a pet group mentioned Hypothyroidism as a common cause in old dogs and suggested we ask our vet to take blood to test and listed the other symptoms and they do match what his symptoms/behaviour has been like recently so will arrange for him to have blood tests done after New Year Day.

He’s not eating much and can’t walk far/unsteady on his feet so we won’t be able to go on our usual early new years day nature trip tomorrow as its a struggle just to get him into garden to toilet with our own mobility difficulties too and no-one else here to help us. Still he’s better than he was and the nystagmus (eye movements) have stopped and he hasn’t been sick since so he doesn't seem to be feeling as dizzy, though is easily thrown off balance.

Thankfully our property is level access including into the back garden so he hasn’t had to attempt to negotiate steps as I wouldn’t manage to lift/carry him (he’s over 20kg).

Bobby had idea of using our last dogs old dog wheelchair we place him within the frame though he still uses all his four legs to walk but it just helps keep him in a straight line so he can safely go out to wee outside without us worrying about him falling over. ..we will use it so he can follow his treatball up and down the path too in the hope it encourages him to eat more but are hoping all he may need is some thyroid meds to speed recovery.

Not the start to 2025 we were hoping for!

January has been a long exhausting and stressful month what with Mr Woof been ill and the situation with the govt benefits.

Mr Woof is better anyway and recovered quickly so it wasn’t hypothyroidism, we’re not sure what was the trigger but it can happen in older dogs and vets not know. its been recorded as ‘Idiopathic vestibular syndrome’. He has recovered full mobility and we’re back to regular walks and stuff now so thats a relief at least!

System wise - the upset and stress seems to have unsettled everyone and some seemed to want a fresh start as ‘someone else’

We told everyone to think about what they wanted and write it down, older ones helped the littles to get their thoughts written down working with them throughout the last month.

As a result some have integrated within (different) others and changed their names..Yuna is no longer blended with me (Jay) and is instead integrated within Lily who has changed her name to Luna! (Lily+Yuna=Luna!) .she can now age-slide between 8-15years old….no idea how long this will last! but it seems to have made them feel better..maybe because its a change they feel they were in control of?

We are now suspecting we have ADHD mixed in with the autism (have ruled out PDA) and the mood swings of peri seems to have triggered more of the ADHD side with the brain fog and struggling with organising ourselves…some being bored with things (maybe this is the reason behind some of them doing the constant ‘mix and match’ blending?) and others desperately wanting a safe area that never changes. Anyway Mr Woof been ill switched everyones focus to him . …and all the paperwork too has kept all adults focus on sorting that too.

Myself and Jess are currently take care of ‘outside life’ - using the name ‘JJ’ means we’re both actively working together as one host which we do most of each day to get up and dressed, get mr woof out and try and manage a few household jobs. I have Bobby’s childhood memories and love of video games and feel I strongly idenitfy with being autistic.

Jess has spent more time in human form and seems to be enjoying it more, she aged up a bit from her last human form but is still ‘young’ and also enjoys exploring the big open worlds in some video games

Kitty has sometimes been coming out for a couple of hours to help with the paperwork for the benefits situation as she had ‘Maddie’s memories’ about the last assessment but mostly she’s been inside looking after the others and she wants to be the main caretaker along with her partner.

Baz has changed his name to Angelo he wants to be our protector and someone everyone inside can rely on to take care of them all.

Now trying to get in what we need before the forecast blizzards here next week! Mr Woof will be happy about another ’snow day’ anyway!! ..he loves chasing snowballs in the garden!

well the blizzards didn’t happen as the weather people predicted not in our part of the country anyway, but apparently they’re still coming! …just next month! ..I won't hold my breath! but just incase’ (they’re actually right this time!) we got another food shop in..we needed milk anyway!

I’ve been reading alot online studies etc trying to understand the differences between ‘alters’ and ‘Tulpas’ from other people’s experiences of both.

The older one’s who are choosing to identify as Tulpa have accepted there’s a possible medical reason why our personality never ‘unified’ in childhood as it should which would mean the one's remaining seperate who are able to front are probably alters rather than Tulpa’s, but nevertheless they find the Tulpa communities more fun I guess as they don't focus on trauma and recovering from it…our littles don’t have any trauma memories… and have chosen to live inside as ‘forest children’ with Kitty and Angelo as ‘Mummy and Daddy’.

Phoenix recently revealed she has always carried their trauma for them…which were mostly events of being bullied or goaded into fights by other kids cos they thought we were ‘weird’ or ‘slow’…which completely explains Phoenix’s sometimes aggressive outbursts and thoughts of revenge on the world etc when she did take human form to front.

We decided as a system to use the stroke to our advantage as it seemed to have impacted our ability for memories to go into a ‘shared pot’ everyone could access …. we’ve been able to ‘select memories’ by specifically choosing who to blend with (based on what memories they still had). Not many people can remember their entire lives anyway from the minute they were born but I can remember favourite parts of our life and the things most important to us and consider us fortunate knowing how many people after strokes suddenly find themself with no memory of their family.

Because changelings seem to hold memories better than hosts Kitty has done a blend with Jess so when Jess comes to work with me I have access to Kitty’s skills without her having to leave the inside to help out front daily now though she does still visit the front.

Luna spent the weekend out here for Valentines weekend as we had created a romantic Japanese cherry blossom environment for Kitty and Angelo to spend Valentines weekend in so Luna spent more time up front we bought her ‘Hello Kitty’ game and played it with her most of the weekend. As soon as she returns inside we lose interest in the game! ..because its her that likes the game not ‘me’ …so she is definitely ‘seperate from this me' in our brain!

Its the same with Kitty and cooking ..I can cook enough to make us something for dinner but tend to throw something in the oven that I can occasionally check on whilst watching TV…when Kitty is up front with us, we enjoy the whole process of making something from scratch such as a curry or stew in the hot pot etc and feeling we have provided for the family (by having leftovers to freeze for other days too). There is definitely a distinct difference in the experience of who the host is depending on who is at the front.

From what I’ve read of NT people with Tulpa’s they tend to view their Tulpa more like ‘an invisible friend’ so for eg if they were watching a film together they would be imagining their Tulpa sitting on the sofa NEXT TO them watching it with them, where as we experience it as all seeing out of the same pair of eyes, working the same one body….still our remaining insiders have created their own avatar bodies within our inner world how they want to see themself and prefer to live like that inside.

There’s other things like communication…never have I asked myself IF a thought was mine or me imagining what my Tulpa might say…..it comes through as a distinct thought from someone else just as if someone was in the room and spoke to me

..I wouldn't be thinking "did I imagine that or did the real person sitting opposite me say something to me!” ..often NT people trying to create Tulpa sometimes find it hard to know when their Tulpa have become ‘sentient’ and are communicating of their own accord….there’s never any doubt for us…at least not for us that have always lived on the inside for many years (some past external hosts who were disconnected from the inside may have viewed passive infuence thoughts as ‘their subconscious’) …this leads me to believe although I have found myself using the name Jay the stronger personality and memories are those of ‘Bobby’ who spent most of their life inside being one of the few that knew of ‘all the others’.

There is a feeling of "I’ve finally got my body/life back and one I can cope with without having to need endless social masks to be able to fulfill the social demands of the NT world” but the name ‘Bobby’ no longer fits who ‘this me’ is as an adult!

We have been struggling with staying grounded due to high pain and Tiinnitus levels recently…the first couple of months this year have been stressful for several reasons. it’s also made it more difficult with the system getting smaller that there’s less of us and so we’re having to front for longer which is increasing the stress and therefore the symptoms …(some of which appear to be psychosomatic and triggered by stress)

This has meant some of us have re-split ….so there’s now 12 of us. to reduce confusion online we’ve agreed to blend before coming to front and operate under specific ‘blended names’ or initials.

We have a virtual village noticeboard inside where folks can put their name down for upcoming jobs a couple of days in advance, they also write down if they particularly want to do something ..eg …'will tidy up and walk dog in exchange for a couple of hours on PS5 one day pls’ or 'would like to do some art/photography or visit nature park ..willing to take care of laundry or admin’ (responding to emails/forums, journalling etc)…whoever would also like to do that can sign up to be on the same team that day.

Co-ordinating switches (or ones leaving the front team to return inside after helping to complete a task) with when we take a rest or overnight means we’re less dissociated in the hours we’re awake even though there’s more of us!

so in that sense we’ve become much better organised and communication is better between us. The brain fog and mood swings have eased up too now its around 10 months post-menopause so we’re not all quite so irritable or impatient with each other! ..despite pain/tinntus levels some days! ..though focussing on one task can be challenging if you can’t think straight from the constant hissing in our head sometimes. …fortunately for reasons we aren’t entiely sure of…when we return inside we can’t hear it only when ‘fronting’ which is why it’s important everyone gets a complete break from it at some point ..though some can dissociate from it and and tolerate it for longer easier than others eg. the littles whilst on video games don’t even notice it whilst others can still hear it over the TV sometimes but don't notice it if they’re busy doing a job around the house or out walking our dog.

one host or the same few trying to stay up front 24/7 (as one permenant full-time host) for an extended period of time with it though..it gets too much …physical pain increases, brain fog increases, depression increases…. we end up in same situation as other non-plural people in Tinnitus groups who are constantly struggling to cope with it when they also have it loudly 24/7.

Anyway speaking of which!…its heading for ’shift change time here’ ..I’ve been dealing with it since this morning so time to go and lie down so next team can switch in for evening shift.

Hi

We are Lily-Kate. (LK) new adult host I thought we should come and say something as we are trying to work out who we are still. There is a feeling of there being two of us sharing control of the mind constantly.

We have an helper, it seems she mostly works in the background and calls herself Jess she seems seperate to us though can blend with us or be co-conscious with us.

Also one of the new splits that has happened is a child alter called Star they have been allowed to come out for the first time today as they are old enough to understand and follow rules.

There’s 2 younger ones inside like young toddler age and they live with caretakers and don’t come to the front. Those Littles seem unaware of the outside world and the physical body. They are both 6 or under and seem happy in their own little world with their pets and caretakers (who they see as their parents).

We’ve heard there are others but haven’t seen them on the inside yet but have been told some go dormant and only come to help in emergency situations. They also apparently don't like to be known in the outside world so seem not to have a seperate identity other than responding to the legal name. They apparently are marked down as the 'Emergency Response Team’ and have a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on their door on the inside….No-one is allowed in I’m told it leads to another 'world area’ but is always locked.

I’m not sure where Star lives when they are inside maybe they will say on here at some point when they want to. They are apparently quite elusive and rarely seen.

So as of now we just host under two teams ‘Host JJ’ and 'Host LK’ we mostly do external life appointments where we’re have to behave as external people are expecting of the body but just thought we’d come and say Hi.

I think Star can come out seperately when ever they want and join whichever team is fronting as they rarely stay out the entire time anyway usually just to watch a specific program or play on a specific game for a while, go back in or reappear out here later!

Anyway that’s it for now we have to sort out Mr Woof now..Star tells me its his playtime we have to let him in the garden to play ball now he’s had his breakfast!

LK

Our system has changed so much since we first came on here what with the peri menopause and stroke events …It’s mind-boggling at times!

so ,,,we have have worked out that one called ‘Sue’ (also known as Sioux originally) in the past is one of the ones who came forwards in the LK blend ..which is why she didn’t initially recognise Jess (from a later part of life) Sue was one of the teens from the pre-name change era. ..she has basically become the adult ‘Lily’ and the prev child LIly (10-13yo) has also integrated within her..which is why she prob felt like 2 minds..it was their first time of fronting together..

Kate is one of part of a 3 way split. (so kind of a mini sub-system) ..Juno, Kitty & Kate and basically all the same alter at different ages but are not ‘version of host’ alters. Kate joins with (new adult) Lily when they front to take care of ‘face-to-face official external appointments’ they’re not as old as the physical body but are the eldest of all of us. That will now be their job.

I (Yuna) am now split from LS (Little Susie) who has finally decided she wants to remain seperate and 6 and stay inside with Kitty, Angelo & Bear. Star also lives with them for most of the time but does sometimes come out to the front for a couple of hours.

I still front with Juno and Jess and we make up ‘Host JJ’ Though we can all age slide we like to think of ourself as much younger than the body and we like to do stuff like make-up and play (video) games where you get married or find your ‘soul twin’ in a game…there has to be something within the story that we feel could ‘be us’ in a parallel universe or something.

Star - is a split off from Bobby but the other Bobby parts have disappeared behind the locked door LK mentioned in their last post. Phoenix has also disappeared in there with them. We think they have deicded to stay in there with the ‘damaged fragments’ It will be a kind of sanctuary for those no longer able to blend or front (after the stroke damage)

As Jess is a changeling she doesn’t feel the need to ‘split off’..she just changes form if she wants to! when co-hosting with us ...her human form is that of a young girl of a similar age to myself and Juno though she can age-slide and equally match the ages of Lily & Kate when they host too.

Jess also acts as Gatekeeper to protect the inside world when other external people are about.

I’m not sure where MIla & Ellie went! … they seem to have vanished! ..whether they re-integrated with someone (maybe Sue or Kate) or whether they are inside the other area with Bobby & Phoenix..I’m not sure?


Yuna
(for Host JJ)

I feel I finally understand what has happened..the whole process after much research into many different forms of multiplicity too. ..just reading about the differences has helped me work out where I am in relation to other systems etc.

so before peri menopause hit and the death of my first assistance dog I believe we were what may have been described as a ‘median system’. … everyone answered to the legal name…nobody had a different name/identity than the one of the legal body was seen by outsiders to have ...at least not the ones at the front..maybe they were a sub system of ‘social face masks’? …each one just switching in when they fit the circumstances best but none being aware of each other or theh switch with ..they were basically different faces of the same identity.

Being at home alone in our room triggered a seperate self out though…that self was who we used to call ‘Bobby’ on here (now renamed themself Star’) …and Phoenix was always with them. and as LS (now ‘Luna) can't have been part of the subsystem that was at university as it would have been noticed if we suddenly started behaving like a 6 year old , we can only assume she was originally still blended within Bobby.

LS, Bobby and Phoenix were the first 3 I believe and the ones who remained hidden inside until no-one was about… we believe it was Phoenix who would tell them when the ‘coast was clear’ and had the ability to slip into the background sending subliminal messages to the external host (who would have interpreted them as their own thoughts). she also had the ability to mimic and block the external host to give the littles time to safely get back inside ….so Phoenix was definitely the childhood protector. She definitely influenced the host as i seem to remember we had red hair whilst a student at university too! so she was around!

It seems like the system has finally decided it wishes to go back to how we used to work with the exception that I - Lily (as the new external host) of course am aware of them this time and know they are inside so allow them to have their time out.

I’m lucky we had managed to be so covert for most of our life that even our external host didn’t realise..because that makes it easier for us to go back to being an 'covert system' in the outside world

The beginning of the menopause seemed to be the catalyst that really 'threw the spanner in the works for us’ with the mood swings triggering our ‘shattering’..(its a good term for it..effectively what happened to us too).

Fortunately for us we have also been in isolation for most of it due to the pandemic so between the stroke event too and the peri menopause we've managed to all slip through the net undetected and re-integrate on the other side (so to speak) with any odd behaviour (noticed by others) put down to either one of those or that fact that we are autistic (and possibly undiagnosed adhd too) which in itself has made it all very difficult for us to deal with.

Now we have been post-menopause for almost a year the mood swings have settled down considerably, the brain fog feels to be lifting making cognitive stuff and organising ourselves a little easier (though some days are still a struggle).

it feels like all the older ones that identified with the birth name plus fragments of Thea and Maddie’s memories that were previously totally disconnected and seen as ‘a different persons life’ by the ones from the first 19 years have all come together thanks to the arrival of ‘Kate/Kitty’ in the system. She really seems to have been able to bridge the gap between what were seen as 2 seperate lives.

We have decided she must remain seperate. Jess has also been instrumental in bringing all alters from different parts of life together to re-integrate as me - ‘Lily’ Both can of course blend with me so we can function as one temporarily especially otuside ... It makes getting through the day alot easier.

Kitty spends some of her time inside looking after the ones who either wished to remain seperate or we felt it would be easier if they remained seperate or we need them to remain seperate to function at all.

Counting Kitty as part of the fronting team (as we do need her external appointments and she’s part of ‘Host LK') there are now just 5 left inside and the 3 of us as ‘official host’.

We DID IT!!!! we got Kit back!… to front on their own as seperate!


The original Kit (who joined here first) got damaged after our stroke and has never been able to front as individual since it…(the then) Kate agreed to integrate with her…(she then changed her name to Kitty)..After over a year of Kit been able to passively experience internal and external life this way, and others temporaily reblending with them to transfer information…The ‘original Kit’ has become strong enough to seperate.

Kitty however wants to keep her name so Jay has re-integrated within Kit and Kit has taken their name. they feel more comfortable with it as Jay was also one of the tomboy teens who preferred 'gender neutral’ names. The remaining Bobby parts have also re-integrated with them so there is no seperate child alter Bobby inside either. They feel ‘complete’ …they will also continue to blend and co-host with Jessy as 'Host JJ’. - Lily


[Kit] this is last time I’ll use this name …and I only use it here as I joined here as Kit and people on here know ‘this Kit’ ..I’m immensely thankful to Bobby for never giving up on the idea they could ‘get me back’ as fully functioning and seperate from the legal host the external world believes they see when they look at the physical body. I feel both Jay and Bobby were ‘younger versions of me’ so we have re-integrated I hope this time permanently. It feels right we feel stronger!

I’m also immensely thankful to Kate (now Kitty) for been integral in my recovery, as she is the personality known as “Kitty’ (online at least) and its a bit ‘too girly’ for me ..I decided she can keep Kitty and I’d change my name! - with my re-integration complete I am now ‘Jay' (Online only its not the legal name..none of us uses the legal name as their individual system name).


‘Lily’ still represents those that identified with the original birth name which includes our child alter LS (now calling herself Luna) who is still not yet re-integrated with them…. If she ever does re-integrate it will be with Lily.

They are currently a sub-system (including also Yuna, Mila, Ellie) although they recognise that they are all versions of each other at different ages…they do stay mostly blended with Lily (except Luna) but do occasionally split off when they return inside for a break if someone else is fronting.

Juno has reintegrated within Kitty, she was essentially Kitty’s ‘inner child’ who had been split from her since the stroke event.

Again we are back to the Tri-Force - the 3 way split that makes our system!

External 'social mask' hosts (Lily’s Team)
Alters with the core (more autistic) ‘true to self’ personality (only front when home alone)
Changelings (inc spirits/Tulpa sub-group - our internal emotional support system)

Hello I’m Emmy!….

Jess came to fetch me from the Shadowlands as Jay (who is made of the most autistic alters) was struggling due to our daily routine having to change completely after our (external) dog got sick again. They don’t cope with changes to what they see as their ’stable routine’ well.

I just had to choose a name quickly as Jess told me we can’t use the legal name on here and she had just explained that the body has M.E and thats why I felt so exhausted before I’d even got out of bed! some names I automatically felt drawn to have apparently already been taken by ‘our others'! …so just kind of reversed the letters as I couldn’t think of anything else! ..(damn brain fog!!)….. besides it sounds the same (em) M .. (ee)…E!

It seems all the stress has triggered a ME relapse but it was difficult to completely rest too because we also had to take care of our dog..the others pushed themselves to their absolute limits to get through it but have kind of crashed and burned ….they seem to have temporarily gone dormant ..it’s currently just me and Jess out here trying to find the energy to be our dogs caretaker and get through each day.

Jess has filled me in ….her experience of hosting as a human (she’s changeling) however short has been essential to me being able to adapt and catch up quickly.…I believe I also have some of Kitty’s memories and experience as host too as Jess had previously blended with her to gain ‘human knowledge and experience’.

It’s been a long time since ‘I’ was last out and I didn’t know about the others when I was last the official host (I saw the legal name as 'my name’ and this ‘my body'..not realising there were others who were coming out and also seeing this body and name as theirs too back then).

I never had communication with them before so not sure how to communicate with them now either but Jess knows and will let me know when they start ‘waking up’ ..or maybe i will feel their presence more this time once they wake up again?..I’m not sure as I never knew they were there before even when they were awake!

Anyway that’s all for now I think!..Jess said it was important to keep this journal going and each new host that has surfaced has written at least one entry for it so it has documented our entire journey since the beginning from one of us discovering there were others..so I’ll have to come back and read through it all when I’ve got the time and energy!!

ok bye for now


Emmy