JJ’s Journal

After I’ve had a couple of days to think..I’ve decided I prefer Esmie to Emmy. ..not that there’s anything wromg with the name Emmy but I guess because I just picked it randomly cos it sounded like M (em) E (ee) as I just couldn’t think of anything else at the time (as other names I liked had also been taken by our own system members..and they will probably come back at some point..it would get too confusing!) it makes me feel that I’m just about being constantly exhausted.

so yeah ...I’m still here I’ve been reading some of our past blogs…I don’t think I’m just one past alter …it looks like I maybe a new integration or part-fusion?

I don’t seem to be able to leave the front at least not right now....even when I’ve gone to lie down for a rest and actualy gone to sleep it’s still me that’s in control of the body when I wake up. Jess does appear to be seperate from me but she can also blend very tightly with me so we become one. ..we did that to go out in the garden as neighbours were out in theirs too. Jess can leave the front, she says she can take over if necessary (in an emergency) but her job is to be the guardian/gatekeeper and it is my destiny to fulfil the host role.

I can age slide without becoming a completely different personality..which felt weird at first but Jess encouraged me to have fun with it she blended with me too to show me how we could experience feelings of fun and happiness through role play (using video games as my holographic world as I can’t seem to leave the front).

I did find it fun..i don’t think i used to go on video games when I was last the front..apparently I was more one of the hosts who had to deal with the more serious stuff.

I remembered using the wii for physio though I remember it being white not black..Jess says that was the original one we got when it first came out so that means I or at least one part of ‘me’ must have been host in the early 2000’s.

Jess says if we can work out what kind of things ‘I’ like it may indicate who is in 'my blend’ We’re going to try some cooking today to see if ‘instincts’ (or knowledge that usually belonged to another) take over when I start.

Esmie!

This is Lily…

Esmie it seems were several parts playing up they found it fun to go back onto a different sites where we had been told that only one person in the system can post..because E.S.M.I.E is in fact an acronym of 5 different parts fronting together! ..It was silly and immature and they got told off by Kitty and made to re-split inside.

Later Kitty was researching (she took control to stop them fronting again) and found some sentences online that changed everything for us.


one was talking about wearing glasses but it equally applies to any different condition/disability an alter may have

“if you need glasses but another alter doesn’t that means the alter who doesn’t has the base line eyesight whereas ‘glasses needing alter’ is having conversion disorder type processing making their eyesight not as well as it would be”

In our case we now realise that Thea who believed she was deaf had conversion disorder we believe she was created from the littles fear of speaking in public plus the NT expectations put on us after years of ABA therapy (for the autism - which is not conversion disorder..it was present from birth and caused by the thyroid never working)

the next sentence Kitty found that explained alot for us was

“A system can end up with FND where a disabled alter can cause the body to experience that disability in a body while they are fronting"

‘Maddie' was also conversion disorder because the episode the body did actually originally have happened after our fathers death…however Maddie got stuck in that moment because she had been the one present when the Neuro had told us they didn’t know why we had the symptoms we just had to get used to the wheelchair…Maddie then believed she was a full time wheelchair user because a neurologist had told her so and never walked again when she was out front.

The fact we also didn’t have communciation between alters back then like we have now meant if another alter switched they didn’t have any memory of how Maddie had presented herself…and hte others were so paranoid that they had to remain secret or be locked up (from belief’s drilled into us in the 70’s) they were too afraid to come out when anyone else was about anyway and would only emerge when no-one other than the dog was present!

I was stumped as to how they knew when to secretly emerge at first but we now believe Phoenix was the orginal gatekeeper and as the littles protector also, she would come into the background looking for or creating opportunities (via passive influence - Maddie would think were her own thoughts…eg. I’m really tired I must go to bed early tonight) when the littles could come out to play…she (Phoenix) still never communicated that she did this to anyone else, though I believe many others were either still dormant at the time or were part of Maddie’s integration and not aware either.

It explains then the original Kit’s confusion when they had perhaps followed Phoenix to the front and watched and was then surprised to see the difference in mobility between the littles and Maddie. ..which eventually led them here to find help/explaination for what was going on. (we did not know DID existed at that point)

I’m guessing it was Phoenix that first discovered by accident that we had recovered from the original episode but has the neuro had told Maddie they didn’t know what it was (at the time..maybe she genuinely didn’t know of FND either?) and Maddie had been told to get accept she needed a wheelchair …she remained stuck in that belief whenever she fronted for years after the event.

Phoenix being a secret alter who rarely got time out would have quickly realised the longer Maddie believed she was that disabled, unable to work and took more rest the more opportunities she could create for the littles to get more time out! …and host getting the wii Fit for physio was perfect for the littles who were fascinated with it..Phoenix then managed to convince Maddie she also needed the DS to practice ‘Fine motor’ so the Littles had one of those too to play on in bed for shorter periods when they wouldn’t have time to get the Wii board or maybe seen etc.

Kitty came back and told me all this and then said she thought I should be the official host because I have the same baseline as the body currently has when I’m in the front. I was the one who experienced the more recent stroke and effects (previously known as Yuna ..I now have the younger Lily integrated within me and we use her name)

All the ones who identified with the birth name except little Susie (also Star/Bobby who never identified with the birth name) from 11-21 have re-integrated with ‘this me’ - to become ‘Adult host Lily’.

LS (now Luna) is still seperate so is Star and Phoenix. Phoenix owned up to creating the Tulpa’s for them as comfort and to ‘enhance their inner life’

I think the ones that integrated with me will remain now we understand this ..I think it may have been a part fusion of the system?…. obviously some still remain seperate so it can’t be a full one. The one’s left seperate have expressed the desire to always be seperate and be thought of as Tulpa’s rather than alters. ..so this may be our last post. ..the system has resolved itself and decided what they want their future to be!

Lily