Heavly questioning and lowkey scared

Hi!
It's my first time using a forum in YEARS, so I'm very nervous heh :']

As is stated in the subject, I suspect that I might have DID or OSDD. For the past 3-5 years (I'm not sure) I have read scientific papers and personal blog posts of people already diagnosed. There are periods where I track and journal about my possible indicators of DID/OSDD for days, weeks or even months, and there are periods where I either forget, ignore or am terrified by the possibility of having it.
I have constant grey-outs. Sometimes I dissociate and then "wake up" and suddenly realise that I've lost days, weeks or even longer and that I remember little to nothing about what I've been doing in that time. And if I do remember, it feels more like someone described what happened than really remembering.
I'm very much used to finding drawings, journal entries, clothes, food I don't remember making/buying etc.
Often people tell me that they've had conversations with me I don't remember at all. Sometimes my friends tell me that they know that I like or dislike something because I've told them that, and I'm just like "Hahaa! Yeah, totally!" even though I feel totally opposite.
I've even found poems, art and dairy entries from years ago about feeling like I'm multiple people. I'd write pages and pages about different people I am, the names the different parts use and what they like and dislike.
I constantly have to discuss with my other parts to establish what to do. I can... not hear per se, but more feel when they comment on situations we find ourselves in. They give me advice, joke, comfort me when I'm in distress, argue with me, and sometimes they insult me when I do something stupid.
They like and dislike different things. Some of us are writers, some prefer drawing, some are obsessed with music, and some only want to walk around the forest 24/7.
Some remember more than others, some are still reliving our trauma, while others are at relative peace.

But I'm afraid of the possibility that I'm wrong about this. I'm already diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, Depression and Anxiety. I can't tell which gaps in my memory are dissociation and which are just ADHD forgetfulness. And I'm scared that maybe that feeling of being multiple is just a way to cope with being neurodivergent and physically disabled, or just my identity/personality not being able to stabilise due to years-long trauma. I also often feel like my parts don't have specific names. They have their identities and interests, I can more or less tell how they look, but frequently they have placeholder names. I can feel them say "I need to find a good name. I don't have one right now", and I've never heard anybody else talk about having this experience.
And the worst part is - I'm not even able to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist about it. I live in a country where the fields of psychiatry/psychology are years behind the rest of the world. I can't even find a therapist who understands autism and ADHD, and most specialists don't even know about the existence of DID.

Does anyone have any advice on what to do?

Hello and welcome to the forum. We are Theta, but this is Violette writing this out. We are also autistic, may have ADHD, have some physical disabilities, and gender dysphoria. Our system sits at 48 currently, but it may be more.

Let us start with the situation regarding names. Until we actually knew we are a system, internally we had designations like Sister 1, Brother 1, etc. The solid alters who hold trauma just had those designations. It wasn't until after we started knowing that we are a system that we took names that fit, and some of us have changed names over time. It's alright if your alters don't feel that they have the right name just yet. Delphy decided to change her name to Lavender, as an example. We have a lot of introjects and they have taken their names from their origins.

We don't have a lot of loss of consciousness. We have a great deal of co-consciousness, in fact. It all depends on who is 'on stage' at the time. It is most definitely possible to have grey-outs and not remember certain events. Yes, there might be some component of ADHD and autism at play, but there's also the very real possibility of the DID or OSDD.

With regards to how long you've been questioning this...it took us the better part of 24 years and a friend who caught that we are a system to figure it out. We always questioned and just didn't know where the trauma was. Being autistic often means having low coping skills with regards to trauma. Nearly all of the systems we know (most of whom are OSDD systems) are autistic.

As for the different hobbies...we have two alters (Lilith and Stolas) who tend to our plants. I'm a writer. Pippa loves music. We all have our different interests and we've worked to try and get it so that we're all given time to pursue those interests if the alter wants to come forward.

Hope that helped you,
Violette

blueandyellow wrote:But I'm afraid of the possibility that I'm wrong about this. I'm already diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, Depression and Anxiety. I can't tell which gaps in my memory are dissociation and which are just ADHD forgetfulness. And I'm scared that maybe that feeling of being multiple is just a way to cope with being neurodivergent and physically disabled, or just my identity/personality not being able to stabilise due to years-long trauma. I also often feel like my parts don't have specific names. They have their identities and interests, I can more or less tell how they look, but frequently they have placeholder names. I can feel them say "I need to find a good name. I don't have one right now", and I've never heard anybody else talk about having this experience.
And the worst part is - I'm not even able to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist about it. I live in a country where the fields of psychiatry/psychology are years behind the rest of the world. I can't even find a therapist who understands autism and ADHD, and most specialists don't even know about the existence of DID.

Does anyone have any advice on what to do?

Hello and welcome!

Dissociation IS a way to manage the stress and anxiety from trauma, autistic sensory overload, ADHD chaos, physical disability... That's how the brain splits different issues into different, separate areas of the brain called "dissociated parts". Because they are not properly connected, it causes feelings of "this is not me", grey-outs, blackouts... You are NOT making this up! Dissociation to manage stress is something all human brains do but when it becomes too much all of the time, it becomes a dissociative disorder.

The different parts can develop their own specific identity, interests, tastes... but it does not need to be a full-on detailed Pokédex in order to be real and valid. It's pretty common for the identities/alter to develop just what they need to manage their existence on a daily basis. Including having placeholder names and a vague sense of what they look like. Don't be fooled by the popular online representation of people who are like the 1% more dissociated with the 1% stonger symptoms. They are the exception.

What you describe is a completely normal and common complex dissociative disorder (DID / OSDD). Down to the "OMG am I making this all up?" we've all been here done that got the Tshirts. I you are asking yourself "am I making it up?" it means you are NOT making it up. When we make things up we know we are making it up. If it comes "out of nowhere" then it's at the very minimum a symbolic way for your brain to communicate with you.

Moreover, it's super common for us neurodivergent folks to develop dissociative disorders because of the daily stress of being AuDHD* and bullied because of this and all the world's validism and sensory overload and chaotic emotions and everything. Just like we have higher rates of depression, anxiety, phobias, traumas... or of being queer. Our brains are built different so we are odd folks through and through.

I feel you about the "nobody understands Autism, ADHD or dissociation in my country". Finding a dissociation therapist in France was like a miracle, getting an official autism diagnosis was another miracle. I manage my AuDHD with tips from other AuDHD people on the internet and CBT exercise sheets I purchased online and the peer-support of my AuDHD friends.

You'll find additional documentation in the list I linked in my signature, including self-help and therapy books. Don't hesitate to add up to the list if you have additional ressources! It's like our Trauma and Dissociation Bookclub. Very select. Super hype. Much healing. Wow. So learning.

__
* AuDHD : a popular way of saying having Autism and ADHD at the same time. Not an official DSM thing but used by neurodivergent folks to talk about the specificities of having both at the same time.

Hi and welcome!

Our host is diagnosed Autistic too but we don't have other MH diagnosis (only additional dx for some physical issues).

We have insiders that don't like to think we have this and tell others that our host just made us all up!

I know some of us are originally based off fictional characters from TV series or people/pets important to the host that passed away but the ones that are/were seemed to have evolved and developed their own sense of self. ..some never did but stayed inside (we had a 'Spock' and 'Aslan' years ago when host was a young child).

I think that can happen with DID or OSDD too though and doesn't necessarily mean they are 'deliberately created companions'? (in the sense of being a Tulpa's rather an alter).

Some of our system think we have OSDD as alot are 'versions of teen self' who at the time had no memory between them when they came out and all believed they were the owner of the body at time of hosting and that the ones that aren't versions of self are 'made up' (imaginary friends etc) and some of us think the host has full blown DID.

Like yourself we are not in an area where MH support is good or knowledgeable and don't even get understanding re being autistic let alone anything possibly more complex! ..unfortunately for us too ...medical trauma is one of our hosts major triggers due to amount of physical interaction needed.

Jess

Hi! I'm not sure if anybody who has kindly replied to my post will see this, but I'll still post it and hope for the best heh
I just wanted to say thank you! I'm a little ashamed of myself, I think my anxiety has got better of me and that's why I didn't respond earlier :'] I honestly don't fully remember making that post or this account, I found it kinda accidentally while looking through my emails khdsgkfdsgh
But I'm very grateful for every reply - I do have a vague memory of reading those replies before and I'd like to let you know that even though we still really struggle with accepting the possibility of being a system we did find two MH professionals that specialise in DID/OSDD (a true miracle)! We already attended a visit with one of them and we've been trying to motivate ourselves to arrange a visit with the other, to see which one we prefer. It's been hard, our chronic fatigue hasn't been treating us kindly for the past few months, and our anxiety has been getting worse recently but we're trying to work on it, even if it'd get better just enough to make that one phone call :']!
Honestly this forum was the first place where anyone has been open to the idea that, yeah, maybe what we're describing is happening, is affecting us and should be taken seriously (we've tried discussing it before with less than a handful of friends but it never got far), and I'm so grateful for that.
We've been generally feeling worse due to some outside stress-inducing factors, and that made it harder to look for help that we need, but re-reading this thread gave me a small energy boost and a healthy dose of fresh hope of figuring out this mess of a life I'm trying to navigate.
Once again - Thank you for your kindness! I'll be forever grateful for this small moment of understanding and support, it has helped me more than I can express :'] <3

I live in a country where the fields of psychiatry/psychology are years behind the rest of the world. I can't even find a therapist who understands autism and ADHD, and most specialists don't even know about the existence of DID.

Just a thought but is it possible that the persons who diagnosed you might be off on one or more of the diagnoses you've been given. A very large portion of the members of this DID forum and beyond were misdiagnosed before getting an actual diagnosis of DID. Even psychotherapists who are well-trained in countries where DID is recognized mistake DID for a wide variety of other psychological conditions, depending on the presentation of the client.

Therapists may diagnose based on the symptoms of the one alter who happens to present in therapy. It's quite possible to have DID and mood swings, but a therapist not trained to look for and consider DID may well see the mood swings of a client with DID and arrive at a core diagnosis of bipolar, depression, avoidant personality disorder, or something else.

We have to stay true to our experience. Without that we're lost in a maze of good intentioned misdirection. When only one person shows up for therapy, that's the only part that's diagnosed. Show up as a sytem. Make them expand their thinking.

Good luck,

Raven

Yep I second ravens point let them see as many of you as possible as early as possible it will make a huge difference if you have other conditions they may be spread unevenly between alters. We have one mute alter our audio procecing abilities vary wildly from one alter who is 90% deaf to the kids who can pick out bird song. We actually damaged our hearing because the deaf alter was the only one who ever went to hearing tests so we were having sound blasted into our eardrums at a level we physically didn't need.

Good luck and we are so chuffed you found not one but 2 someone's to choose between.