Journey for Harmonic Resonance

I will start with what I know.

Nobody has talked to me in words I don't think. Usually sensations and emotions. Each has a "signature felt sense."

There is a protector, older male, uses aggression, was very biased against my husband. Didn't like him and didn't think he was safe. Protector has done a lot to keep me safe, which also harmed the relationship. We worked through our different opinions about the relationship in therapy. Protector is now supportive of my goal as the host to be a safe person for our husband. I *may* have had a conversation with this one in my phone journal recently, where he said he wanted to take over the body to tell our therapist something he didn't want me to know. I told him I am not comfortable letting go of the body entirely and if our goal in therapy is integration of things I don't see why I can't be informed also.

(Of course I feel like I made that whole thing up, but idk)

There is a younger girl who carries a lot of trauma. She seems depressed primarily, broken, defeated.

There is a different younger part that carries anxiety and panic. This one also carries a strong attachment need. This one has been popping up before therapy sometimes, or when therapy is over this one comes to the front for a while. This one is probably close to front for most therapy sessions but I don't always realize it. This part switched to the front back in 2018-2019 when we were trying to hold awareness of having parts, we were going to see the rheumatologist for a check up, and when the part came forward we lost the knowledge of how to get to that doctor's part of the big medical building. We had been there many times before. The system helped the little look it up on an email. Me as host was present for all of this but the little was controlling our mind more than me I guess or we could not have forgotten how to find the Dr's office.

I have a part that just holds overwhelming shame. At least I think this is a separate part. This one also has SH urges but we mostly don't do that.

I have a gatekeeper who I believe is also my "inner self helper."

***Trigger warning: sex***
I have a protector part that takes over for sex. This one mostly does not jump forward anymore. It used to do it almost every time, turning sex into mechanical experience divorced from feeling. She is dead inside and just going through the motions. We used to switch into one of our littles during sex frequently. Our husband has always been very understanding about this even when we weren't sure what was happening. We are not aware of having ever had CSA.
***End trigger warning***

I have a perfectionistic part that focuses on order, tidiness, etc. Has very high standards of self and others. Is very performance oriented. This one tends to leave whenever she is trying to learn something new because she cannot handle not already knowing how to do it.

I have a social part. I guess this one stays the age of the body. I say this is a part because I don't always feel like this during a social situation. But when this part is active I am relaxed, confident, present, funny, involved. When this part is not active I tend to be withdrawn, focus on concrete tasks vs connecting with people, nervous, feel myself pulled inward.

Different from the social part, I have a playful part who really does not feel weighed down by our responsibilities, can let go and enjoy herself. She enjoys being in the moment and is comfortable with happiness. Most of us are not, we get anxious when the system is happy due to our history.

We also have a "work me" who is probably a workaholic and uses a lot of our time doing work things. When we first started therapy for dissociation, there were a few hard days where whatever part was out at the end of therapy got stuck and we couldn't get to our work self and had forgotten how to do some things. But someone suggested calling on the gatekeeper to fix it, and it worked.

It feels like maybe we used to have a different host. I am not sure about that or when there was a change.

I'm not sure what else is true at this point. I've tried system mapping and not sure I'm doing it "right."

It sounds like you've already learned a lot! Hopefully therapy has been helpful for you, I hope it continues to aid your goal of integration.

I hope the journey thread is helpful to you, as well. I'll be reading and listening.

HarmonicResonance wrote:I told him I am not comfortable letting go of the body entirely and if our goal in therapy is integration of things I don't see why I can't be informed also.

Sometimes, parts of you are not ready yet to know some things and the role of the protector (or gatekeeper or others) is to keep the amnesia walls as long as they are needed. Some other parts might also need to be ignorant of the trauma in order to be able to function on a daily basis.

Maybe your protector's goal was to discuss this with your therapist and form a plan on how to slowly allow some of the difficult material to pass through the wall, at a rythm you will be able to deal with, and only in the context of therapy so the therapist can be here to keep you all safe and balanced and anchored.

HarmonicResonance wrote:(Of course I feel like I made that whole thing up, but idk)

This feeling is common among dissociative people. The line between "imagination" and "objective facts from the physical world" is often blurred because the filter of "imagination" is needed in order to bear with the painful events from the physical world.

Do not hesitate to talk with your therapist about it.

HarmonicResonance wrote:I have a part that just holds overwhelming shame. At least I think this is a separate part. This one also has SH urges but we mostly don't do that.

Shame is a very strong an painful emotion. It would make sense that for you, shame is contained in a separate part/alter who does their best to deal with it in any way they can (i.e. SH). Your therapist can help this part find other, less destructive ways of expressing and dealing with the painful shame.

HarmonicResonance wrote:***Trigger warning: sex***

Regarding this part, it might be interesting to see with your therapist what can be done about it. Such as, finding a way to reconnect in the here and now during this kind of activity, reconnecting with your emotions in this situations, and so on.

One does not need to go through full-on abuse in order to have strong emotional reactions to this kind of situation. It could also be tied to amnesia. I advise you not to dig into this by yourself but rather see with your therapist to find the best time for this. Some need to wait untill a few years into therapy before they are ready for this.

HarmonicResonance wrote:I have a social part. I guess this one stays the age of the body. I say this is a part because I don't always feel like this during a social situation. But when this part is active I am relaxed, confident, present, funny, involved. When this part is not active I tend to be withdrawn, focus on concrete tasks vs connecting with people, nervous, feel myself pulled inward.

I admire how you managed to become aware of the subtle differences. Well done. We still have issues trying to understand how se function exactly in social situations.

HarmonicResonance wrote:Most of us are not, we get anxious when the system is happy due to our history.

It is not unheard of in dissociative people. Congratulations on becoming aware of it.

HarmonicResonance wrote:When we first started therapy for dissociation, there were a few hard days where whatever part was out at the end of therapy got stuck and we couldn't get to our work self and had forgotten how to do some things. But someone suggested calling on the gatekeeper to fix it, and it worked.

It was a good idea. Getting stuck in "work mode" can sometimes be (subconsciously) used to dull away the painful emotions and memories. Therefore if therapy made painful material re-surface, it makes sense your "work part" took over in order to dull the pain a little.

HarmonicResonance wrote:It feels like maybe we used to have a different host. I am not sure about that or when there was a change.

It happens. Do not worry about it. Observe what happens, take notes so you can discuss it in therapy, and keep going the way you already did in this first post. It is a nice job you did here.

HarmonicResonance wrote:I'm not sure what else is true at this point. I've tried system mapping and not sure I'm doing it "right."

Whatever feels right at any given time, is right in this point of time. A system evolves through time therefore it is normal if you draw a map one day and a few weeks later, discover your inner structure shifted a little.

As an example, ourselves can re-map our own system every few months and discover structural shifts. It is normal. Even rocks and mountains change through time.

Good luck on your journey.
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David.

allyamber and David, thank you for sharing on my journey thread! Your support is very welcome and appreciated.

David, for better or worse my therapy is usually in the middle of the work day, so I do have to find a way to return to my work self somehow. Just a small point to clarify. I agree though, I also use work mode to avoid.

I did mention to my T that I think maybe I have not always been the host, we discussed it a bit, now I am not so sure, but I feel distinctly different. Maybe the other me is just not out here as much as before. I tried to explain to my T how I experience memories sometimes, as if I am explaining to someone and have to get the information fed to me vs directly recalling it.

Journey
In therapy this week, we started the dissociative table exercise. We only got a chance to discuss two parts. I am thankful for therapy as my T is very good at being respectful about all the parts, and bringing out the positive role, and noticing the relationship between them in ways I have not noticed before. T mentioned integration today, and clarified that it is not the same as fusion but more about understanding so everyone can work together well, and the parts that do a lot of work can learn to take more breaks, other parts can bring in their strengths. It sounds great, much better than the randomness and confusion we are used to with this stuff.

We talked about a part that keeps life together, does a lot of stuff, very action oriented and non-feeling, and another part that came in with a lot of emotion and depression and will be working together next time to understand more about that second one, its positive purpose and strengths.

Therapy was hard work today. We deserve a little treat. We told the therapist that we would do some yoga for grounding/containment so we are off to handle that now.

HarmonicResonance wrote:Nobody has talked to me in words I don't think. Usually sensations and emotions. Each has a "signature felt sense."

Interesting your wording, a "signature felt sense." This is how we've sometimes figured out who's fronting or near fronting. When we can't identify the signature, our internal self helper Sphinx can usually tell us who that was. He actually used that word originally so it's a standard term in our system vocabulary.

Everyone has a unique "signature," a unique felt sense when they're fronting or near the front. If it was someone we hadn't encountered before, Sphinx or sometimes the hosts could state that this was someone new. The more time we spend with specific alters the more distinct the signature. I'm guessing this is true for a lot of systems.

In our experience it's during or immediately following this felt sense visit that we've been able to establish communication, even if it's only one way at first. Before the time we had a name for everyone, we just address them generically, for example, "I know someone was just here, don't be afraid, you can talk to me." And if I didn't hear anything back I could just keep addressing them with a strong intention to communicate with benevolence. We discovered we needed to take the opportunity when they were nearby to reach out.

Over the years we've identified everyone by name and we can call anyone by name to talk to them. That's not saying that we do because some -- fewer and fewer -- are too traumatized or too far away inside to engage directly, except somewhat during therapy or a scheduled reverie at home, by which I mean lying down in a relaxed stat in bed when I'm not tired. I guess that's sort of like a meditative state.