Journey Thread- Ponyta

Thank you David! We greatly appreciate it!

-- Fri Jul 09, 2021 7:47 pm --

I have what seems like an endless list of things I need to do. Both in the inner world and the outer world. The thing is, I have no motivation (or it seems, not enough time) to do all of those things.

I need to bring myself to do at least one thing per day, but lately I have no "energy". I don't know how to get the motivation to do those things.

I think it is because I'm so overwhelmed with how bad my to-do-list got backed up. It doesn't help that more and more things keep getting added to it (especially with procrastination). UGH!

Partial reason why I'm sad. As for the BIG (main) reason, I still have no idea.

UGH. I don't know what is wrong. We don't know what is wrong. Such a horrible feeling. So miserable sad again.

Plus the inner world is acting strange yet again.

I still have yet to find the item that I'm supposed to find (in our inner world). I haven't been able to get to that area (that I need to go to) yet.

The inner world is acting strange again. Severe waves of denial too. That doesn't help anything. I feel as if I'm losing my mind.

We've been wanting to tell someone (that we trust) in the outer world about our DID. We decided to do so today (BUT we were nervous). They actually were very nice about it. So we feel somewhat relieved now. We always felt pressured to act the same way every single time we saw them (That is our own way of trying to hide/protect ourselves from anyone we meet/talk to), now we don't have to worry about that as much now. So it feels like some weight (stress about that) was lifted.

Just don't know what is up with the agonizing sadness. I got somethings done on our to-do-list. Both last night, and today. So that should've made us feel better (at least me anyway). It seems to have done nothing. UGH!

Maybe it is partly nervousness about our upcoming appointment with our T? I don't know, BUT since it's been a large gap in between our sessions (due to issues with our old insurance), we are terrified to go again. That is just the way we are. And it doesn't make sense, because we like our T. We also really want to go there. It's just, we panic. REALLY BAD.

I think it is partially due to the feeling (of having to act the same way, every single time, we talk to someone). That goes way back to our trauma.

If we didn't act the same way everyday, we felt that made things far worse (and some days it did). So not sure how to "fix" that feeling. I mean, make the horrible feeling of having to do that, any less severe. It drives us insane. Not to mention, gets some insiders mad at me. Like it is my fault. I'm not the one who put that rule in our inner world (for interacting with the outer world).

Someone in our inner world is saying really mean things about me (Emily). I don't know who it is (I have two guesses, BUT don't want to assume without proof). It sounds like a male voice. He is being very disrespectful. I don't know if the others can hear him or not. No one said anything about it, so probably not. I know my inner friends would've said/done something about it by now.

He is laughing about the mean stuff that he is saying. In fact, I know he is planning on either writing a mean note about me, or recording a mean note to me. He mentioned that he was going to do either one, or both, of those things. He said he was definitely going to make it known. Whatever that was supposed to mean.

He is saying really mean, hurtful stuff about me. Plus I asked his name. He replied with a name, BUT I know, for 100% fact, that the name he gave me, isn't who he is. I know the guy who is named that, and he wouldn't act that way. He has issues like all of us (me included), BUT he's NOT like that. So this guy apparently is trying to frame that guy. Besides he laughed after he said that name. He thinks its amusing.

I'm kinda wondering now if I'm not the only one he is being mean to. Maybe that is why I keep feeling horrible agonizing waves of sadness. He could be doing the same to the others.

Ponyta wrote:We always felt pressured to act the same way every single time we saw them (That is our own way of trying to hide/protect ourselves from anyone we meet/talk to),

I think it is partially due to the feeling (of having to act the same way, every single time, we talk to someone). That goes way back to our trauma.

If we didn't act the same way everyday, we felt that made things far worse (and some days it did). So not sure how to "fix" that feeling. I mean, make the horrible feeling of having to do that, any less severe. It drives us insane. Not to mention, gets some insiders mad at me. Like it is my fault. I'm not the one who put that rule in our inner world (for interacting with the outer world).

Hi

Our system has always had a ANP social host for things like going to college/work/socialising etc. Back in the old days it was easier when college was residential (away from home) as was university,cos Thea dealt with that stuff however it meant other students could always walk in anytime so Thea got stuck out for entire terms unless we managed to get home for the weekend! No social media back then, mobiles or internet. It was easy to switch somewhere along the journey there or back with neither worlds knowing of each other!

Being forced onto social media like it was a condition of us not having to go back into the unit (cos we were proving we were keeping in touch with people and real life) led to 'Maddie'. Maybe it was the stress that led to her physical conditions but we still had no idea the term DID even existed,or that we could have it.

Once I started to come out and stay out long enough to see view daily life, SM then made it harder to stay out as myself cos people were pinging us constantly and expecting they were talking to 'Maddie'.
People who knew us as Thea and visited in person wanted to add us to their friends list, so then for the first time ever we were having to juggle people who knew Thea with people who only knew Maddie 'live' everyday. We still didn't know of DID until the body was in it 40's, even then I was unsure. We still haven't told anyone in real life!

Kit

Thanks for your reply, Kit!

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I'm having a really hard time focusing today. There is numbness and horrible feeling in brain. I don't even know who I am right now. What happened to the entire day? It's bad. The dissociation is awful today. Plus on top, there is a horrible feeling of impending doom.

Hang in there, Emily!

- Marcella

PS: I like your new name. I used to be called "Marcey" myself but felt the need to change some years ago. I totally know how that is!

Thank you Marcella!

We aren't doing so good. We have another inner world dilemma. Our main host is having big trouble with an insider. Emily is his main "target", but he is also messing with a lot of us.

He used to be a protector, but went "rouge" over the years. He apparently claims he wants to get rid of Emily and at least one other one (in our inner world). He wants to take over as the "one and only" host. He has serious issues. We have yet to figure out what happened to him, but he used to be nice.

Oh, and by "get rid of Emily" we aren't 100% sure what he means. Shapeshifters in our inner world can regenerate over time, so even if he would succeed, she would be back eventually. Plus even non-shapeshifters have an area where they would also eventually recover. I think he maybe wants to do the same thing to her, that had to be done to him, when he went rouge. It was pretty harsh, but the protectors (from the inner world location, where he is from((there are several "worlds" in our inner world))) had no choice at the time. He was that bad.

We aren't sure what to do. We are at a standstill, but it is very clear that the only one (in our inner world) that can stand a chance at reaching this guy, is Emily. At least- according to what we were told. Plus he truly is "untouchable" (due to his strength/powers) for any of us- except Emily and one other insider (Both he claims he wants to get rid of).

-R

I'm guessing "R" wrote the above post because it is distressing us. It is Emily's problem however. I'm not sure why he is worried about it. I'm not. I don't even like her. Although, Emily, since you helped my brother. Check the far western wall of the southbound cave. I can guarantee you have no clue what I'm talking about. Chasing after clues can be hard. It is a far fetched hint to what happened. If you are clever enough to figure it out, then you're welcome.