Journey Thread- Ponyta

I don't know. I feel so horrible right now, I can't get myself to read or write much at all. All of a sudden the horrible waves of Dissiociation became a huge blockacde. Can't even really see into the inner world at all. The little I can see is very distorted and blurry. We aren't doing good. and I don't know how to help. My vision is waves of blurriness all day. That only happens if it is real bad dissciotian. Ugh. The more I type the more my brain is straining. Even the easiest words are very hard to recall. And now I lodst train of thought. numb just numb brain feeling. horrible like stuck in quicksand or slowly sinking in sludge. horrible feeling what is wrong. we dont kmow. it bad

I don't know what happened. Someone wrote the post above. A lot of the insiders went "missing". I feel they are around somewhere, but where is unknown.

We are having even worse waves of dissociation. I'm starting to question if that is even the correct word for what we are feeling. It's that bad, but yet it feels like what we've had for years (BUT far, far worse).

Right now though, I feel so-so. Not terribly bad, BUT not good either.

I'm being terrorized in my dreams again. Last night was really scary. It seems to follow a similar "routine" though.

Possible Trigger warning

I scream for help and no one (Not one) bothers to help me. People stare, but don't bother to help.

End Trigger

I kinda feel the guy after me last night was one of my personalities. I would not be surprised one bit, if I'm right. One main reason why I figure that is because he seemed confused by the crazy stuff I said. He must've knew he was dreaming, but I didn't. I was talking nonsense. He acted strange (like he was dumbfounded) and was like, "Yeah. Let's just go with that." I don't feel a dream character would act like that. He felt "too real" to be a dream character.

I don't understand what is going on with us lately. One second we are "fine" (not really, but we feel that way), next second ugh, the feeling is beyond awful. I don't even know how to describe it. I wonder if it is partially due to lack of sleep. We haven't been getting the best of sleep, I don't think anyway. Mainly because we wake up still feeling tired. I think that is due to the scary dreams. When we actually don't have a night with scary dreams, we feel well rested.

I don't know what is up with that. I mean, the scary dreams. Like I said before though, I feel certain troublemaking insiders are terrorizing me in my dreams. Maybe the others too. I do know one (in my dream) told me to tell Brian that they are coming for him next. I had no clue what they were talking about in my dream. They thought that was hilarious. I realized once I woke up. I didn't tell Brian anything, because I worried he would think I was crazy. I have no clue if it was just a crazy dream, or if those guys really were going to terrorize him too. Maybe I should ask Brian. I don't know. We (All of us) don't really talk about our dreams to each other (unless we might talk about a shared dream we had).

I feel the "missing" insiders are very sad. I don't know where they are though. They went into isolation, or something.

I feel them, but even so, I can't figure out their exact location yet.

Want to note that I had yet another AWFUL dream last night. Following same pattern, but this time I didn't "ask" for help.

Feeling sad and worthless again. Not sure who is feeling that way. No one answers me when I try to speak to them.

Very sad. Not sure why, but even I am sad. A lot of us are. We also feel like pests again.


We keep getting these feelings on and off with the bad feelings of dissociation. It's a mess.


I'm so tired but don't want to go back to sleep. Only got about 6 hours of sleep last night. If we get less than 7, we often get a horrible headache later in the day. Lovely.

I don't know what to do right now. Feeling numb and sad. On top of feeling the broadcasts of some of the others.

The closer our T appointment gets, the more stressed we're getting. Unless of course it has to do with this month. It could be that too.

Not sure how to get out of this sadness. Over half of us are "isolating" from each other. No one (from what I heard) saw or heard from them for weeks/months, but yet they are around somewhere.

That is making me worry that either I did something wrong (that upset them: maybe they are mad at me), or I don't know what. Hopefully I didn't upset them. If I did, I have no clue what I did. I just worry about that.

Message to our insiders:(Sorry if I upset any of you. I don't know why over half of us are isolating. Is it my fault? Sorry if it is. Can we please talk? I write in our journal, but no one is bothering to answer me lately. Well, other than the "usual" ones I've been talking to. It's worrying me. I want to speak to at least one who is isolating from the rest of us. I'm worried what is wrong. I care about every one of you.)


I don't even know if any of them will see this message, let alone my journal messages.

I have another problem (as of last night). I'm being accused of being an egg thief (in our inner world). Two of our non-human insiders claim that I stole their egg (from their nest) many years ago (well over ten years ago). I tried to kindly explain to them that it wasn't me. They insist it most certainly was me.

I saw their nest last night (when I accidentally met them). I didn't know they were living where I went to explore. They have one egg (which is a new one). They told me the egg looked identical to that one. I know it wasn't me who took it, but they call me a liar. They were really mean. They claim I came back to steal their new egg. Which I tried to explain wasn't the case. I was actually trying to find someone else, when I accidentally found them instead.

It didn't help anything that for some reason their egg almost fell out of their nest, when they were yelling at me. Without thinking (it was a reflex) I carefully grabbed the egg so it wouldn't fall out of the nest. They got even angrier at me. They didn't see what happened, apparently only I know, and they won't believe me that I prevented their egg from falling out of their nest.

I managed to escape from them, but they are really mad. The one is looking for me now. He won't listen to me. He thinks I tried to grab it to steal it. It's a mess. If I wouldn't have caught it though, it might have cracked. Anyway, they want their egg (from over ten years ago) back. I told them it probably hatched a long time ago. I don't know what is wrong with them. They don't believe anything I say.

I understand why they are angry. I'm innocent though.

I'm sorry things are so difficult, Ponyta. I hope your new T can help you manage all the grief and stress.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:I'm sorry things are so difficult, Ponyta. I hope your new T can help you manage all the grief and stress.

Thank you!

Very sad. Things are a mess. Both inner (it's been) and outer world (VERY Recently). UGH!


We have been switching a lot today, at least I think. Someone is EXTREMELY moody. I don't know who. I don't know what to do. I have A LOT I need to talk to in inner world, and right now it is extremely hard to do so. I'm stressed out myself. REALLY BAD.

We didn't even say what we wanted to at our appointment with our T now. We panicked and was scared to talk. The stuff that was said didn't do anything to help us, because we didn't say all the stuff we really wanted to say. I don't know why we panic so much. We should've wrote it down, but we didn't feel that was necessary, PLUS someone prevented us from doing so anyway. I don't know who, but at least one of them is against us writing again.

I need to solve the inner world dilemma and I don't know how. Especially if no one wants to talk about it. We have another appointment coming up soon, but I don't know. We plan ahead who is going to talk, etc. BUT when the time comes, the plan falls apart. We all panic and whoever the "unlucky" one is, gets shoved out. Whether they want to be out or not. I'm not sure how that works, but it seems random. We can't seem to help it either. We really like this T, but due to the bad experience with our last one (especially) we are literally terrified to even say our names.

A lot of us will literally lie and say someone else's name. Even pretend to be them. That is NOT helping things, and we know it. It's just, how do we overcome this fear? It's a mess. A major mess.

Plus we already had a case where the one guy (who someone else claimed to be) came out to speak and our T was like, so you told me this last time we spoke, and he's like "Huh? Oh yeah." Even though he has no clue what our T was talking about.

Someone is pretending to be me apparently too (at our appointment's with our T). I know because I was told I was "out" the entire appointment and I spoke A LOT.

I remember being out for approximately 5-8 minutes. I didn't say much at all, as far as I'm concerned. But yet I supposedly was out for the entire 30 minutes and spoke the entire time. What?

About what? What did "I" even say? It doesn't make any sense. Either I was out for that time frame and my memory was wiped somehow, or someone (maybe even multiple for all I know) was pretending to be me.

Plus no one (insiders) will tell me what was said. What? I have no clue what is going on. Maybe I'm "splitting" again. A while back a bunch "merged" with me. I feel (for a while now) that we are splitting again. The "gaps" feel like they keep getting bigger and bigger. Those ones do sound a lot like me, so maybe it was them? I have no clue.

I just feel as if I'm losing my mind again. Well yesterday was not good. I think it traumatized us a little, what happened. So no wonder our appointment with our T didn't go so well today (But I heard our appointment was one of the "best" ones because of how much "I" spoke). We are VERY Spacey feeling all day. It is possible maybe the others don't know who was out at the time, due to that, BUT it wasn't me as far as I know. Unless somehow my memory was wiped (because I don't recall the appointment at all, other that the first few moments and a tad of the last moments.

My vision did go blurry before the area of "memory wipe", so I am certain someone else came out (at some point). So that proves my theory, probably anyway, that someone is pretending to be me.

Not very surprising, but we seriously need to stop doing that. I'm guilty myself of trying to hide who I am, so yeah, I know how it is. We all need to stop that though. It's just making things worse in the long run.