Terrified and in denial

Therapy was today. We talked about the incident Friday that triggered folks across the system.

One of the kid parts this incident brought out eventually talked, and so did a part I didn’t recognize, and they said things, made claims that I don’t remember and frankly think are either false memories or just plain bull.

I know I’m in denial mode. I know this. I want to trust these parts. But nothing adds up. The claims don’t make sense. There aren’t enough, weren’t enough signs for what they described. It couldn’t have happened. I really think they’re wrong. Even with the body reactions, even with the emotional reactions, I can’t believe it as real. I’m this close to just chalking it all up as fake and pretending the session didn’t include this stuff.

Feels unstable. Someone wants to hurt the body. I think they also might want to do worse then that - I can hear something about that repeating - it might be me? I think I’m dissociated. I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. Please help. I’m so afraid.

- Wolf

Take a deep breath. It might not be true for you, but your alters feel that these things happened to them. Therefore, before trying to know if it is objectively true or not, in my opinion, it is important to listen to them and to help them process their emotions and memories.

At least it's how we do it in here. It's difficult for a lot of us to accept that "this happened to us all since it happened to one of us" but nonetheless, we do our best to be supportive of each other and non jugemental. We focus on the hurt and how to deal with the hurt and help each other through the hurt. Processing the raw informations of the events is not our priority right now. (noteworthy because some of us have a lot of "cryptomnesia" i.e. the objective events and emotions are "encrypted" into another, fantasy story because it makes them easier to carry and deal with)

You do not need to accept all of the informations as being "100% objectively true". But at least, in my opinion, it's important to care for your headmates without jugement. They suffer from some hurt and painful memories. Therefore, let's care for the hurt and the pain in them - the rest will come with time.

It's a bit like taking care of a toddle who woke up from a nightmare. You know it's not objectively real. But for them, the pain, fear, from the nightmare, is just as real - maybe even more real and scary - than something from the physical world. They need to be comforted and listened to. Only once they are comforted, can the rationality kick in.

So, we do our best to do the same in here . No jugement. Only comfort. We will piece the events together later. What's important for us now is feeling safe and at peace and cared for.

Hope it helps you!

--Zami--

Hi Wolf,

Sorry you're hurting. I think Zami has good ideas. If you can't listen to your parts because it's too much - that's ok. Find someone inside who can. You don't need to judge. Things get clearer if you let your parts deal with stuff for a while. Maybe talk to your T about all this.

Iain

We second everything that Zami and Iain said. We're sorry that you're struggling, Wolf.

MDs

Thank you all for the kindness. We’re doing better today. It isn’t quite safe to deal with what these parts have brought to the table, so while they and some other parts who wholly believe them work on it with each other and the T, I’m going to focus on taking care of us and surviving trough the last couple years of higher education. We are so close to freedom. We just need a little more time. Once we are free... then I think I will be ready to personally start confronting what’s been revealed.

It’s ok to wait right? I would have us delve deep now, but we NEED this degree to escape. I hate saying ‘just a bit longer’ bc these parts have waited so so long... it’s a complicated situation I think.

Bottom line I am gonna focus on us and our well being and be as gentle with ourselves as I can. I can at least do that.

- Wolf

Yes, it's okay to wait until it's the right time! If you need to feel safe and comfortable before you face the bad things, make yourself safe and comfortable first!

Wanting to wait is not the same thing as not wanting to know. You are just making sure everybody is ready to face the bad stuff before you do. It's like preparing to go on an adventure! You need to train and make sure you have all that you need first.

Take care and be safe!

@ Saul @

Agreeing with @ Saul @. You have a good plan, Wolf.

MDs